I'm going to try this thing that I found on tumblr. I am going to try to describe the guy I like like an author would in a book. Here goes lol.
He was the type of guy you fell in love with, with the kind eyes and gentle smile. He had passion in his eyes and hair so nice. (lol i am so failing at this) Maybe he'd be the nice guy you could spend the rest of your life with and maybe he was the beast you could not tame. From experience he was the latter. He drew me in with his kind words and his lust. He was a wildfire and burned everything in me, leaving nothing but pain in his wake.
Monday, July 27, 2015
64 things you don't think about often
I'm going to answer some more tumblr questions because I need a distraction from my feelings of sadness.
1. Do you ever doubt the existence of others than you?
Do you mean aliens? I don't doubt the existence of life on planets other than earth. The universe is huge and anything is possible.
2. On a scale of 1-5, how afraid of the dark are you?
probably a 3.5. I freak myself out in the dark sometimes and think things are there when they aren't/
3. The person you would never want to meet?
A serial killer? I think they're geniuses but completely messed up...
4. What is your favorite word?
Dress. I LOVE dresses lol. I own over 50 dresses.
5. If you were a type of tree, what would you be?
I would be a weeping willow. Those trees are beautiful.
6. When you looked in the mirror this morning what was the first thing you thought?
What is my hair right now? I put my hair in a loose bun and it kind of came undone but not really so it looked really bad.
7. What shirt are you wearing?
I am actually wearing a dress right now lol
8. What do you label yourself as?
The quiet shy girl who sits in the back and doesn't like attention
9. Bright room or dark room?
I prefer a darker room (but not completely pitch black). My room in the mornings is my preferred lighting.
10. What were you doing at midnight last night?
Crying over a guy who probably doesn't care about me *sigh*
11. Favorite age you’ve been so far?
19. I don't really like 20 right now. 19 was when I gained more confidence.
12. Who told you they loved you last?
I think it was my best friend in February probably. I don't hear it often.
13. Your worst enemy?
Fuck boys. ugh.
14. What is your current desktop picture?
Inuyasha and Kagome on a bicycle lol it changes every 30 minutes.
15. Do you like someone?
Yes.
16. The last song you listened to?
Toes by Glassy Animals
17. You can press a button that will make any one person explode. Who would you blow up?
I don't know actually.... probably some serial killer or something
18. Who would you really like to just punch in the face?
Right now? The guy I like. He's an idiot and I am sad and kind of angry.
19. If anyone could be your slave for a day, who would it be and what would they have to do?
I don't like this question. I wouldn't want to force anyone to have to do something for me.
20. What is your best physical attribute? (showing said attribute is optional)
I have been told I Have a nice butt and also nice shoulder muscles... but I like my hair
21. If you were the opposite sex for one day, what would you look like and what would you do?
I would probably look like some tall nerdy asian lol and I'd probably do the helicopter dick thing haha
22. Do you have a secret talent? If yes, what is it?
I don't really know what is justified as a secret talent. I can write in cursive (sad that this is dying)
23. What is one unique thing you’re afraid of?
Loud dog barks?
24. You can only have one kind of sandwich. Every sandwich ingredient known to humankind is at your disposal.
White bread with lots of roast beef, lays original chips, mayo, mustard, lettuce.
25. You just found $100! How are you going to spend it?
on school. Broke college student life
26. You just got a free plane ticket to anywhere in the world, but you have to leave immediately. Where are you going to go? Hong Kong
27. An angel appears out of Heaven and offers you a lifetime supply of the alcoholic beverage of your choice. “Be brand-specific” it says. Man! What are you gonna say about that? Even if you don’t drink booze there’s something you can figure out… so what’s it gonna be?
Reid's apple ale or Verdi champagne
28. You discover a beautiful island upon which you may build your own society. You make the rules. What is the first rule you put into place?
No fuck boys
29. What is your favorite expletive?
fuck
30. Your house is on fire, holy shit! You have just enough time to run in there and grab ONE inanimate object. Don’t worry, your loved ones and pets have already made it out safely. So what’s the one thing you’re going to save from that blazing inferno?
My purse. All of my personal information is in it
31. You can erase any horrible experience from your past. What will it be?
ET ride at disneyland. It was more embarrassing than horrible lol
32. You got kicked out of the country for being a time-traveling heathen who sleeps with celebrities and has super-powers. But check out this cool shit… you can move to anywhere else in the world!
Soooo am i supposed to chose a place to live? London.
33. The Celestial Gates Of Beyond have opened, much to your surprise because you didn’t think such a thing existed. Death appears. As it turns out, Death is actually a pretty cool entity, and happens to be in a fantastic mood. Death offers to return the friend/family-member/person/etc. of your choice to the living world. Who will you bring back?
My grandpa on my dad's side. I would have loved to see what kind of person he would have been.
34. What was your last dream about?
The guy I like was scared to be with me but I told him I wanted to be with him because of his personality. Not because of anything else so he didn't have to change.
35. Are you a good….[insert anything you’d like here]?
I have been told I am a good kisser.
36. Have you ever been admitted to the hospital?
not on accident. I've had some sort of teeth surgery or something and had to go to the hospital for it.
37. Have you ever built a snowman?
yes
38. What is the color of your socks?
I wear black socks with color accents
39. What type of music do you like?
I like sad ballads with wonderful and whispy voices
40. Do you prefer sunrises or sunsets?
sunsets are beautiful
41. What is your favorite milkshake flavor?
Chocolate
42. What football team do you support? (I will answer in terms of American football as well as soccer)
Since I don't follow sports I will say Broncos and Rapids
43. Do you have any scars?
Yes. I have a scar on my wrist from when I broke my last jade bracelet. I now have a scar on my leg from overly scratching a thing I had on my thigh.
44. What do you want to be when you graduate?
I really want to synthesize and test medicine
45. If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?
My inability to be comfortable in a large group of people. It hold me back.
46. Are you reliable?
Yes. 100% yes.
47. If you could ask your future self one question, what would it be?
Was it worth it?
48. Do you hold grudges?
Yes I do.
49. If you could breed two animals together to defy the laws of nature, what new animal would you create?
I have no idea..... I would breed a horse and a narwal to create a unicorn!
50. What is the most unusual conversation you’ve ever had?
We had a conversation about porn once... it was weird.
51. Are you a good liar?
Not really
52. How long could you go without talking?
A week.... probably more if I am not seeing my best friend.
53. What has been you worst haircut/style?
7th grade. Bob.
54. Have you ever baked your own cake?
Not my own cake but I have baked cupcakes.
55. Can you do any accents other than your own?
not really
56. What do you like on your toast?
Jam and sometimes a little bit of butter
57. What is the last thing you drew a picture of?
an upside-down heart
58. What would be you dream car?
some sort of Mclaren
59. Do you sing in the shower? Or do anything unusual in the shower? Explain.
Sometimes I sing in the shower if I have my iPod in there with me. I have a weird routine when I shower.
60. Do you believe in aliens? It's possible.
61. Do you often read your horoscope? Yes.
62. What is your favorite letter of the alphabet? N
63. Which is cooler: dinosaurs or dragons? Dragons are WAY cooler.
64. What do you think about babies? They're cute but I am NOT ready for one yet.
1. Do you ever doubt the existence of others than you?
Do you mean aliens? I don't doubt the existence of life on planets other than earth. The universe is huge and anything is possible.
2. On a scale of 1-5, how afraid of the dark are you?
probably a 3.5. I freak myself out in the dark sometimes and think things are there when they aren't/
3. The person you would never want to meet?
A serial killer? I think they're geniuses but completely messed up...
4. What is your favorite word?
Dress. I LOVE dresses lol. I own over 50 dresses.
5. If you were a type of tree, what would you be?
I would be a weeping willow. Those trees are beautiful.
6. When you looked in the mirror this morning what was the first thing you thought?
What is my hair right now? I put my hair in a loose bun and it kind of came undone but not really so it looked really bad.
7. What shirt are you wearing?
I am actually wearing a dress right now lol
8. What do you label yourself as?
The quiet shy girl who sits in the back and doesn't like attention
9. Bright room or dark room?
I prefer a darker room (but not completely pitch black). My room in the mornings is my preferred lighting.
10. What were you doing at midnight last night?
Crying over a guy who probably doesn't care about me *sigh*
11. Favorite age you’ve been so far?
19. I don't really like 20 right now. 19 was when I gained more confidence.
12. Who told you they loved you last?
I think it was my best friend in February probably. I don't hear it often.
13. Your worst enemy?
Fuck boys. ugh.
14. What is your current desktop picture?
Inuyasha and Kagome on a bicycle lol it changes every 30 minutes.
15. Do you like someone?
Yes.
16. The last song you listened to?
Toes by Glassy Animals
17. You can press a button that will make any one person explode. Who would you blow up?
I don't know actually.... probably some serial killer or something
18. Who would you really like to just punch in the face?
Right now? The guy I like. He's an idiot and I am sad and kind of angry.
19. If anyone could be your slave for a day, who would it be and what would they have to do?
I don't like this question. I wouldn't want to force anyone to have to do something for me.
20. What is your best physical attribute? (showing said attribute is optional)
I have been told I Have a nice butt and also nice shoulder muscles... but I like my hair
21. If you were the opposite sex for one day, what would you look like and what would you do?
I would probably look like some tall nerdy asian lol and I'd probably do the helicopter dick thing haha
22. Do you have a secret talent? If yes, what is it?
I don't really know what is justified as a secret talent. I can write in cursive (sad that this is dying)
23. What is one unique thing you’re afraid of?
Loud dog barks?
24. You can only have one kind of sandwich. Every sandwich ingredient known to humankind is at your disposal.
White bread with lots of roast beef, lays original chips, mayo, mustard, lettuce.
25. You just found $100! How are you going to spend it?
on school. Broke college student life
26. You just got a free plane ticket to anywhere in the world, but you have to leave immediately. Where are you going to go? Hong Kong
27. An angel appears out of Heaven and offers you a lifetime supply of the alcoholic beverage of your choice. “Be brand-specific” it says. Man! What are you gonna say about that? Even if you don’t drink booze there’s something you can figure out… so what’s it gonna be?
Reid's apple ale or Verdi champagne
28. You discover a beautiful island upon which you may build your own society. You make the rules. What is the first rule you put into place?
No fuck boys
29. What is your favorite expletive?
fuck
30. Your house is on fire, holy shit! You have just enough time to run in there and grab ONE inanimate object. Don’t worry, your loved ones and pets have already made it out safely. So what’s the one thing you’re going to save from that blazing inferno?
My purse. All of my personal information is in it
31. You can erase any horrible experience from your past. What will it be?
ET ride at disneyland. It was more embarrassing than horrible lol
32. You got kicked out of the country for being a time-traveling heathen who sleeps with celebrities and has super-powers. But check out this cool shit… you can move to anywhere else in the world!
Soooo am i supposed to chose a place to live? London.
33. The Celestial Gates Of Beyond have opened, much to your surprise because you didn’t think such a thing existed. Death appears. As it turns out, Death is actually a pretty cool entity, and happens to be in a fantastic mood. Death offers to return the friend/family-member/person/etc. of your choice to the living world. Who will you bring back?
My grandpa on my dad's side. I would have loved to see what kind of person he would have been.
34. What was your last dream about?
The guy I like was scared to be with me but I told him I wanted to be with him because of his personality. Not because of anything else so he didn't have to change.
35. Are you a good….[insert anything you’d like here]?
I have been told I am a good kisser.
36. Have you ever been admitted to the hospital?
not on accident. I've had some sort of teeth surgery or something and had to go to the hospital for it.
37. Have you ever built a snowman?
yes
38. What is the color of your socks?
I wear black socks with color accents
39. What type of music do you like?
I like sad ballads with wonderful and whispy voices
40. Do you prefer sunrises or sunsets?
sunsets are beautiful
41. What is your favorite milkshake flavor?
Chocolate
42. What football team do you support? (I will answer in terms of American football as well as soccer)
Since I don't follow sports I will say Broncos and Rapids
43. Do you have any scars?
Yes. I have a scar on my wrist from when I broke my last jade bracelet. I now have a scar on my leg from overly scratching a thing I had on my thigh.
44. What do you want to be when you graduate?
I really want to synthesize and test medicine
45. If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?
My inability to be comfortable in a large group of people. It hold me back.
46. Are you reliable?
Yes. 100% yes.
47. If you could ask your future self one question, what would it be?
Was it worth it?
48. Do you hold grudges?
Yes I do.
49. If you could breed two animals together to defy the laws of nature, what new animal would you create?
I have no idea..... I would breed a horse and a narwal to create a unicorn!
50. What is the most unusual conversation you’ve ever had?
We had a conversation about porn once... it was weird.
51. Are you a good liar?
Not really
52. How long could you go without talking?
A week.... probably more if I am not seeing my best friend.
53. What has been you worst haircut/style?
7th grade. Bob.
54. Have you ever baked your own cake?
Not my own cake but I have baked cupcakes.
55. Can you do any accents other than your own?
not really
56. What do you like on your toast?
Jam and sometimes a little bit of butter
57. What is the last thing you drew a picture of?
an upside-down heart
58. What would be you dream car?
some sort of Mclaren
59. Do you sing in the shower? Or do anything unusual in the shower? Explain.
Sometimes I sing in the shower if I have my iPod in there with me. I have a weird routine when I shower.
60. Do you believe in aliens? It's possible.
61. Do you often read your horoscope? Yes.
62. What is your favorite letter of the alphabet? N
63. Which is cooler: dinosaurs or dragons? Dragons are WAY cooler.
64. What do you think about babies? They're cute but I am NOT ready for one yet.
Thursday, July 23, 2015
hahaha what.
Well those 3 days passed and ugh I don't even know. I didn't snap him on the second day but I did like his moment on tinder. Then the third day I did not snap him at all. After the 3rd day, I snapped him and asked him if I could come over the next day. He basically said no and said we should stop this, whatever it is we had. He even unmatched me on Tinder, which is when I knew he was serious. But then he sent me another snap and then we kept snapping.
Long story short, he gave in and I went over. And now where are we? I don't even know. He still wants to stop this but his actions say otherwise. He said he wanted to say no to me yesterday... but he didn't. I asked him why? He has yet to respond yet.... but I WILL get a response. This isn't fair to me. Being in this situation and him stopping this. I have so many feelings for him. He got everything he wanted and what do I end up with? A broken heart and new insecurities. I gave him basically what he wanted and what did that get me? Nowhere. He discredited me and labeled me as undatable before even giving me a chance. ugh. I just want answers.
This will not be another alan. He will not leave me without answers. I deserve at least that.
Long story short, he gave in and I went over. And now where are we? I don't even know. He still wants to stop this but his actions say otherwise. He said he wanted to say no to me yesterday... but he didn't. I asked him why? He has yet to respond yet.... but I WILL get a response. This isn't fair to me. Being in this situation and him stopping this. I have so many feelings for him. He got everything he wanted and what do I end up with? A broken heart and new insecurities. I gave him basically what he wanted and what did that get me? Nowhere. He discredited me and labeled me as undatable before even giving me a chance. ugh. I just want answers.
This will not be another alan. He will not leave me without answers. I deserve at least that.
Sunday, July 19, 2015
Well i failed lol
Lol I failed. I sent one snapchat to him today. He saw it and did not send me one back. I will not snap him tomorrow. I refuse.
Saturday, July 18, 2015
Three Days.
Hello. I am going to give him three days. I will not contact him first for three days. If he contacts me first, I am allowed to look and reply. I am not allowed to ask him questions. I am not allowed to contact him first.
I need to do this for myself. I need to do this to see if he cares about me as anything other than just a body.
I am writing this to hold myself accountable for it. If I fail, I am a fool. If I succeed.... I might be heartbroken. I am scared that he really won't contact me at all but maybe i'll finally realize the truth.
I need to do this. At the end of the three days and he does't contact me, I will confront him about it and call him out on all his fucking bullshit. I am getting freaking tired of this.
I need to do this for myself. I need to do this to see if he cares about me as anything other than just a body.
I am writing this to hold myself accountable for it. If I fail, I am a fool. If I succeed.... I might be heartbroken. I am scared that he really won't contact me at all but maybe i'll finally realize the truth.
I need to do this. At the end of the three days and he does't contact me, I will confront him about it and call him out on all his fucking bullshit. I am getting freaking tired of this.
Friday, June 12, 2015
Ew. What am I even?
Hello world. I feel like crap right now emotionally and I don't know who to vent to so what better place than this lovely blog i have here.
I know I haven't posted in a while. I usually just cry to myself now a days. Ugh. What are college problems? I am a college problem. Never have I ever thought I would be in the position I am in right now.
To be honest, I have feelings. Strong feelings. Strong feelings of like, maybe even love (many people would say it isn't but they way I feel with him is just happy). All these feelings for one guy.
One guy who is going to break my heart and I know that but the part of me (my heart) is convincing me that the happiness I feel is worth all the pain I feel when I am not with him.
You don't know the happy feelings I get when his name pops up as a notification on my snapchat (which it doesn't happen often because he sucks at responding and out 92 day snap streak scares him).
You don't know the happy feelings I get when he's sitting across from me and I am just looking at him, wondering what I got myself into and how i'm going to survive the heartbreak that is going to come one day or another when he's decided he's done playing with me/
He makes me feel alive. I can even tell you when I knew that I feel the way I do about him. I knew I liked him but I knew I had fallen completely on that one snowy night at a party and he taught me how to salsa (kind of lol). That's when I knew.... This is going to end badly.
All the reason's I like him. Let me tell you.
-When he gets passionate about what he's talking about. It makes him so totally attractive.
-When he talks to himself while he's playing video games
-The way he kisses me
-He makes me laugh. All the time.
-The way he mumbles and then says never mind when I tell him to repeat what he said but he refuses to tell me until i push it out of him
-He salsa danced with me
-He tucked me in that one day he had to leave really early
-His interest in space
-His nerdiness
I could think of many more moments that made me realize how much and why I like him so much but there are so many reasons he aggravates me as well. Why? just why? I don't even know. I don't.
I know I haven't posted in a while. I usually just cry to myself now a days. Ugh. What are college problems? I am a college problem. Never have I ever thought I would be in the position I am in right now.
To be honest, I have feelings. Strong feelings. Strong feelings of like, maybe even love (many people would say it isn't but they way I feel with him is just happy). All these feelings for one guy.
One guy who is going to break my heart and I know that but the part of me (my heart) is convincing me that the happiness I feel is worth all the pain I feel when I am not with him.
You don't know the happy feelings I get when his name pops up as a notification on my snapchat (which it doesn't happen often because he sucks at responding and out 92 day snap streak scares him).
You don't know the happy feelings I get when he's sitting across from me and I am just looking at him, wondering what I got myself into and how i'm going to survive the heartbreak that is going to come one day or another when he's decided he's done playing with me/
He makes me feel alive. I can even tell you when I knew that I feel the way I do about him. I knew I liked him but I knew I had fallen completely on that one snowy night at a party and he taught me how to salsa (kind of lol). That's when I knew.... This is going to end badly.
All the reason's I like him. Let me tell you.
-When he gets passionate about what he's talking about. It makes him so totally attractive.
-When he talks to himself while he's playing video games
-The way he kisses me
-He makes me laugh. All the time.
-The way he mumbles and then says never mind when I tell him to repeat what he said but he refuses to tell me until i push it out of him
-He salsa danced with me
-He tucked me in that one day he had to leave really early
-His interest in space
-His nerdiness
I could think of many more moments that made me realize how much and why I like him so much but there are so many reasons he aggravates me as well. Why? just why? I don't even know. I don't.
Saturday, February 7, 2015
All this frustration....
Hello. It is currently 9:37 AM. I am really angry and frustrated and just really shaken up by a dream I just had. I am so upset that I even considered going to the gym to help relieve some of it but nope. I'm just not the gym going type so here I am venting to you again, my blog.
Ok, here I go. My dream was really really fucking sad. Like all the stuff that happened last night just blew it up so much. It was based on what D had said. Like I was snap chatting him, seeing if he would be down to hook up again last night. He said that I was drunk and he was not so it wasn't a good idea but I wasn't drunk and i really really really wanted to hook up. But he said no and I was really fucking sad and also fucking paranoid that he was just saying no so he could sleep with some other girl because M said he was with 3 girls last night when he told us he was with his friend. Also, he had dinner with people that we didn't know.
I'm not saying he isn't allowed to have friends outside of my little friend group and I am not saying that he isn't allowed to go to parties by himself and have fun... but what I don't like is how he has to like play around and lie and not tell us what he's doing. Like it was stupid. He invited us to go to a house party and yet he wouldn't tell us a clear address or anything. I was so fucking confused and it only made it seem like he was hiding stuff. I just want him to be truthful to me and to his friends. I don't fucking understand.
Which brings me to my time at the party. The whole time I was hoping he would come back. I was watching the door and then I was just like fuck it, he isn't coming back so I danced with another guy and made out with him and I never got his name because the cops came and busted it up. Ugh, not a very smart decision but D wasn't there and I wanted to dance and then when they turn me around, I always end up leaning in and kissing them. Like fuck me right? I am so stupid. I should really stop doing that but whatever. It happened and I was frustrated D wasn't there and wouldn't give us a straight answer and I just really fucking like grinding.
So then that brings me to the after and how I was acting like a stupid desperate bitch and trying to get him to let me come over so we could hook up. and then he said no and like I went over this already. But seriously, what is the whole point of being sex buddies if I can't have sex whenever I want? There really is no point to it then. My sexual libido is pretty high, like seriously. I am almost never satisfied when having sex with D. But maybe I am saying that because I am really frustrated right now.
That brings me to my dream. In my dream, it was kind of based on this whole things that just happened last night. D was being a huge douche and like not being clear with anything. I don't remember exactly but it was extremely upsetting and like I felt like he hooked up with another girl last night in my dream and he wouldn't give me a straight answer even though I asked him. Then after all of that frustration, in my mind it like panned to a flashback of his room last night and there was another girl in his bed and he was snap chatting me no and that was just the most devastating thing ever.
Seriously. I am just really fucking angry right now. I really really need to have a talk with him and actually talk because it really isn't getting any better for me. I am just holding all of my frustrations inside and now they are being released into my blog. Seriously, what did I expect from him? Not a lot but I expect him to be truthful. I don't know how to act around him. I don't know if he's ever genuine with his words because he could just be saying things to keep me happy or whatever so I would continue sleeping with him but I am not. I am not very happy. Never have I ever thought I would be in this kind of fucking situation where I am vying after the attention of some douche who doesn't even want me.
I am being played, hard core and I know it but I really fucking like him and I don't know how to deal with this right now. I am not happy. I am not okay. I really fucking need to have a talk with him where I actually say things that I need to say, concerns that I am feeling, and overall what he's doing to me. I don't think I am going to have sex with him again, but I really need our friendship to be okay because he would make a pretty nice friend. I just have all these confusing signals coming from them. They're probably not real because he was drunk for a lot of it but fuck it. I just need to sit down and have an actual conversation, not one where I am trying to talk to him and he's trying to take off my clothes.
I don't want a repeat of what happened Tuesday night when I just got an overwhelming wave of sadness come over me for absolutely no reason and then me having to be awkward and take a walk to stop myself from crying profusely. I don't want to do that again because it sucked feeling that way. Ugh. I think this rant it done. I hate guys. I hate people. I just want to live in solitude for forever and ever so I could avoid being hurt.
Would it be better to be extremely lonely or face all of this pain? I don't even know. I don't even know.
Ok, here I go. My dream was really really fucking sad. Like all the stuff that happened last night just blew it up so much. It was based on what D had said. Like I was snap chatting him, seeing if he would be down to hook up again last night. He said that I was drunk and he was not so it wasn't a good idea but I wasn't drunk and i really really really wanted to hook up. But he said no and I was really fucking sad and also fucking paranoid that he was just saying no so he could sleep with some other girl because M said he was with 3 girls last night when he told us he was with his friend. Also, he had dinner with people that we didn't know.
I'm not saying he isn't allowed to have friends outside of my little friend group and I am not saying that he isn't allowed to go to parties by himself and have fun... but what I don't like is how he has to like play around and lie and not tell us what he's doing. Like it was stupid. He invited us to go to a house party and yet he wouldn't tell us a clear address or anything. I was so fucking confused and it only made it seem like he was hiding stuff. I just want him to be truthful to me and to his friends. I don't fucking understand.
Which brings me to my time at the party. The whole time I was hoping he would come back. I was watching the door and then I was just like fuck it, he isn't coming back so I danced with another guy and made out with him and I never got his name because the cops came and busted it up. Ugh, not a very smart decision but D wasn't there and I wanted to dance and then when they turn me around, I always end up leaning in and kissing them. Like fuck me right? I am so stupid. I should really stop doing that but whatever. It happened and I was frustrated D wasn't there and wouldn't give us a straight answer and I just really fucking like grinding.
So then that brings me to the after and how I was acting like a stupid desperate bitch and trying to get him to let me come over so we could hook up. and then he said no and like I went over this already. But seriously, what is the whole point of being sex buddies if I can't have sex whenever I want? There really is no point to it then. My sexual libido is pretty high, like seriously. I am almost never satisfied when having sex with D. But maybe I am saying that because I am really frustrated right now.
That brings me to my dream. In my dream, it was kind of based on this whole things that just happened last night. D was being a huge douche and like not being clear with anything. I don't remember exactly but it was extremely upsetting and like I felt like he hooked up with another girl last night in my dream and he wouldn't give me a straight answer even though I asked him. Then after all of that frustration, in my mind it like panned to a flashback of his room last night and there was another girl in his bed and he was snap chatting me no and that was just the most devastating thing ever.
Seriously. I am just really fucking angry right now. I really really need to have a talk with him and actually talk because it really isn't getting any better for me. I am just holding all of my frustrations inside and now they are being released into my blog. Seriously, what did I expect from him? Not a lot but I expect him to be truthful. I don't know how to act around him. I don't know if he's ever genuine with his words because he could just be saying things to keep me happy or whatever so I would continue sleeping with him but I am not. I am not very happy. Never have I ever thought I would be in this kind of fucking situation where I am vying after the attention of some douche who doesn't even want me.
I am being played, hard core and I know it but I really fucking like him and I don't know how to deal with this right now. I am not happy. I am not okay. I really fucking need to have a talk with him where I actually say things that I need to say, concerns that I am feeling, and overall what he's doing to me. I don't think I am going to have sex with him again, but I really need our friendship to be okay because he would make a pretty nice friend. I just have all these confusing signals coming from them. They're probably not real because he was drunk for a lot of it but fuck it. I just need to sit down and have an actual conversation, not one where I am trying to talk to him and he's trying to take off my clothes.
I don't want a repeat of what happened Tuesday night when I just got an overwhelming wave of sadness come over me for absolutely no reason and then me having to be awkward and take a walk to stop myself from crying profusely. I don't want to do that again because it sucked feeling that way. Ugh. I think this rant it done. I hate guys. I hate people. I just want to live in solitude for forever and ever so I could avoid being hurt.
Would it be better to be extremely lonely or face all of this pain? I don't even know. I don't even know.
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