*sigh* I am trying to be more careful about who I vent to, which means that this blog is my only other option to get out my feelings since I don't have very many friends.
It's times like this I miss my friend. I totally would love to talk to her about this pain and then have her give me advice and then say I told you so when I don't listen. These are the times I miss her the most...
but anyway.... back to the point. I am so sick of crying over someone who doesn't care about me. What have I done to deserve this? I deserve at least one good relationship don't I?
With alan, I literally thought he was the one. Maybe I was stupid and naive because I was so young (that was probably it) but I really really cared about him and obviously he lied and did not care about my feelings (evidence was our breakup). Then now, with the guy I like... I obviously care a lot more than he cares. He probably doesn't even care.
Why do I have such bad luck with guys? Why do I have to like every attractive guy who is nice to me, even though his personality/ past is shit? Why?
I am so tired of being hurt, of crying over guys, of everything. I have not cried this much since alan broke up with me and I feel the same pain even though we aren't together (and he probably doesn't even want to be my boyfriend).
I am such an idiot. I am such a stupid stupid idiot. Crying over a boy who doesn't give a shit is stupid. I am so stupid. and this is what I do. I blame myself for this and it was kind of my fault. I shouldn't have gotten into this, but would it have been any better if I tried to not like him from the beginning? It was inevitable that I be hurt. Either by watching him flirt with other people with no idea that I liked him or.... still watching him flirt with other people knowing that I like him.... oh my goodness. The second is so much worse because he knows about it and doesn't give a crap about my feelings.
Ugh. Still feel like an idiot. Still crying. Still angry. Still so so sooooooo stupid. I need to talk to him. I need to and yet he runs away every time I try. He sucks. I'm stupid. I'm being played (something I never wanted).
This post is all over the place. I have stopped crying now but give it a few minutes, I am sure I will start again.
Fuck this and fuck him but also ugh he makes me laugh and I like his personality. I am in deep and either this needs to stop or I need to talk to him so I can figure out if being a temporary toy is worth this pain.
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