Well, this is an even greater miracle. Three posts in one day! If you read my post on my violentness and my messed up head, then keep reading this.
Here are some things that came straight from my head. Maybe then you'll get how messed up it is.
The ravens were in a frenzy, cawing and screaming to each other. With every new arrival, the sky darkened because of the shadows of their dark wings. The ravens swarmed to the body. She was already long dead and forgotten, only to be remembered by the birds. Once they have pecked off her flesh, she'll be nothing but a memory.
I ran. The cold snow was nipping at my bare feet. My shoes had fallen off while i was in the house. I could hear growling. The beast was getting closer. I shook my head and pushed ahead. It was freezing. I could feel the cold deep in my bones. I was breathing rapidly. The fog of my breathe streamed out behind me. I heard it, it heard the beast. The monster was on my trail. My limbs were screaming but i ignored the pain. The only thing that mattered was survival.
I girl stared straight into the mirror. Who I saw was not who I wanted to be. The girl looking back was disgusting. She was 115 pounds, still 15 pounds too much. I shifted away from the mirror and eyed the scale. What ridiculously high number would it be this time? I took a deep breath and stepped on. The scale read 110. I'm getting closer to my goal. I'll be amazingly perfect when i get to 100. I heard my stomach grumble. This was no time to eat, i lost 10 pounds. If I allowed myself something i would gain it all back. I can't do that to myself. I can't. I stepped off the scale and put my clothes back on. My brother knocked on the bathroom door, begging to be let in. I let him in and walked down to the basement. The treadmill hummed to life as I turned it on. I got on. Yesterday, i ran 6 miles. Maybe i'll go to 7 today. Anything to lose those last 10 pounds. I ran. The only sound I heard was the thump thump thump of my feet. (i'm not anorexic or bulimic. I weight a healthy weight)
It was us, in a room full of people. My eyes were drawn to him. My ears flickered and my sentitive hearing picked out his breathing patterns. I knew him, but he didn't know me. His name was Daniel. He was tall and lanky with dark drown hair. I wanted to get closer, to feel the texture of his hair, his skin. He shuffled along in the room. I must talk to him, but not here. I must isolate him.
My hands wound around her neck. She immediately started to thrash about, clawing at her throat. I kept my grip and squeezed harder. Her thrashing weakened. I was draining the life out of her. She was so weak now. I turned her head around, careful to keep up the pressure i had on her windpipe. Her eyes started to bulge. A few more moments; she was dead.
WOW, Fantastic Baby. (with that, i leave you.)
Wednesday, March 7, 2012
Some people deserve to be punched in the face... extremely hard.
Oh look, a miracle. I'm updating twice in one day. I'm actually writing this right after i finished my other one. That's because people do more things that infuriate me. *sigh* If you know me, which most of you probably don't (there i go again, thinking people actually read this... but anyway, indulge my fantasy) then you would know i'm a pretty violent person, not physically but like in my mind.... Like i don't actually hit people (unless they push me over my limit and my limit is pretty high or whatever word you use). All the violence happens in my mind.
One day, i just want to change that. For all you stupid people who think i'm just a quiet girl who's weak and can be pushed around, i want them to know other wise. I'm actually full of sass. I say things to myself in my mind all the freaking time. I just can't voice it. It's sad actually. But anyway, sometimes people make me so mad. I can barely contain my anger, but i do... somehow i do. Sometimes, i wonder. I wonder if i unleashed my anger and used violence, would that solve anything. It seemed to work for A. (remember A?) Sometimes i want to freaking punch people over and over again, and maybe then they will stop using me and all my niceness. If you ask people, some will say i'm the nicest person they know. I'm actually not that nice if you dive into my mind. Nice people aren't violent.
In my mind, i'm extremely violent. People who use me are the worse. This is where my sisters come in. They make me hate hypocrites because they are one. They make me want to punch people because most of the time it's them i want to punch. You may ask why i harbor all this anger towards my sisters, and that sisters are supposed to love each other. Just call me the fucking exception because i absolutely hate my sisters. There are times when they are decent and i want to believe that i can love them, but in the end they always freaking abuse my niceness. I'm willing to do anything to get on their good sides. Then i find out they're just using me for my niceness. I would do anything for them to love me, but no. All i get it their anger. All they do every single fucking day is yell at me. I know they're scared of me. They are fucking cowards that send a little 8 year old to tell me to be quiet. I just want to release my fists into them one day, see if they want to use me ever again. I know violence is not the solution to anything, but sometimes, i wish i would. It's like JYJ's scandal and how they hit a private. That private freaking deserved it, but it doesn't fucking matter because they still do what they do. It's different with my situation though. When i released my fist on A, she just left me alone. I know she's freaking scared of me and yet she STILL talks bad behind my back when she think's i'm sleeping. That's just how my sisters are. They're all little demon people who are fucking idiots. I'm probably the best person out of all of them. They're all demon children who backstab people all the time. I hope my sister ends up 16 and pregnant. I would laugh at her, i really would. That's a terrible thing to wish on her, but it would be karma kicking up her ass. What kind of real person wants to date as many people as she can in high school? What kind of real girl says she aspires to be one of the girls who always has a boyfriend and makes out with them in the hall? That isn't a girl. It's called a slut. A whore. It's like a few steps from being a prostitute or a stripper. Ugh. I hate my sisters so much. One may be tolerable, but they're over-rated. This, annoying people, is the reason i don't really want to live on this planet anymore. The reason why i just want to be isolated from the rest of the world. The reason why i would be perfectly content being stranded on an island by myself, as long as i have internet connection and an extremely fast laptop with electricity. I'd be set. I'll elaborate in a new post eventually ( i hope?) but anyway. I. Hate. People. That is all.
One day, i just want to change that. For all you stupid people who think i'm just a quiet girl who's weak and can be pushed around, i want them to know other wise. I'm actually full of sass. I say things to myself in my mind all the freaking time. I just can't voice it. It's sad actually. But anyway, sometimes people make me so mad. I can barely contain my anger, but i do... somehow i do. Sometimes, i wonder. I wonder if i unleashed my anger and used violence, would that solve anything. It seemed to work for A. (remember A?) Sometimes i want to freaking punch people over and over again, and maybe then they will stop using me and all my niceness. If you ask people, some will say i'm the nicest person they know. I'm actually not that nice if you dive into my mind. Nice people aren't violent.
In my mind, i'm extremely violent. People who use me are the worse. This is where my sisters come in. They make me hate hypocrites because they are one. They make me want to punch people because most of the time it's them i want to punch. You may ask why i harbor all this anger towards my sisters, and that sisters are supposed to love each other. Just call me the fucking exception because i absolutely hate my sisters. There are times when they are decent and i want to believe that i can love them, but in the end they always freaking abuse my niceness. I'm willing to do anything to get on their good sides. Then i find out they're just using me for my niceness. I would do anything for them to love me, but no. All i get it their anger. All they do every single fucking day is yell at me. I know they're scared of me. They are fucking cowards that send a little 8 year old to tell me to be quiet. I just want to release my fists into them one day, see if they want to use me ever again. I know violence is not the solution to anything, but sometimes, i wish i would. It's like JYJ's scandal and how they hit a private. That private freaking deserved it, but it doesn't fucking matter because they still do what they do. It's different with my situation though. When i released my fist on A, she just left me alone. I know she's freaking scared of me and yet she STILL talks bad behind my back when she think's i'm sleeping. That's just how my sisters are. They're all little demon people who are fucking idiots. I'm probably the best person out of all of them. They're all demon children who backstab people all the time. I hope my sister ends up 16 and pregnant. I would laugh at her, i really would. That's a terrible thing to wish on her, but it would be karma kicking up her ass. What kind of real person wants to date as many people as she can in high school? What kind of real girl says she aspires to be one of the girls who always has a boyfriend and makes out with them in the hall? That isn't a girl. It's called a slut. A whore. It's like a few steps from being a prostitute or a stripper. Ugh. I hate my sisters so much. One may be tolerable, but they're over-rated. This, annoying people, is the reason i don't really want to live on this planet anymore. The reason why i just want to be isolated from the rest of the world. The reason why i would be perfectly content being stranded on an island by myself, as long as i have internet connection and an extremely fast laptop with electricity. I'd be set. I'll elaborate in a new post eventually ( i hope?) but anyway. I. Hate. People. That is all.
When has facebook...
When the heck has facebook became a place for making people feel bad or whatever. I don't mean to offend you people, but liking things that are "like if you think she's beautiful, ignore if you think she's not" are freaking annoying. I sound like a very heartless person, but i don't freaking give a crap about this sort of stuff. I don't intend to like it even if i think they are the most beautiful people in the world. I don't freaking care to publicize the things i like on Facebook. Why the heck would i do that?! I especially hate those people that like extremely weird pictures. I kept seeing one of Jesus Christ nailed to the cross and he was all bloody and stuff. I'm sorry, but i don't want to see some bloodied up man on my dashboard. I'm Buddhist. I also highly think that people would have an actual picture of Jesus Christ. I don't care. I honestly don't care, especially on facebook. I especially hate those things that are like "share this, have a heart. If you don't you're a heartless person" or stuff like that. I know i'm not a heartless person. I don't need some random post on facebook telling me that i'm a heartless person just because i don't want to clog up other people's dashboards with the stupidest stuff. I even bet those people only did it to get likes. Why? I ask all you stupid people why? I'm extremely irritated at the Kony thing. Cry all you want. Spread all these words, but that isn't going to freaking convince me to do anything. I'm against him. I know i;m against him. I don't need a new status update with the same video reminding me i need to be against him every five minutes. I am aware that many people don't know about Kony and what he is doing, but I feel these videos and wall statues are annoying.
I saw a status on facebook and it went like this "Okay wow, thats pathetic. Stop complaining about how we post the Kony stuff too much. We actually CARE. Some of us JUST found out. Its hard to spread the word. Some found out last year, cool. You didnt bother to help spread the word. Now that people are, dont go complaining because people with hearts did what you didnt bother to do long ago. We rather do it now then never do it. So shut up or have a heart." WHAT IS PATHETIC IS THAT YOU HAVE TO MAKE A FREAKING STATUS UPDATE CALLING PEOPLE LIKE ME PATHETIC. You post what you want about Kony and how ignorant to world problems if you don't know who kony is and I'll complain all i want about your stupid little status updates (p.s. this status isn't about me because i don't actually voice my annoyance since i have a high tolerance level. I'm voicing my opinion through this anonymous blog post) Seriously, i knew about Kony for a while now. It is not my fault that some people do not freaking give a crap about other people in the world. They only respond when their celebrities or their friends start talking about it. Seriously, she said she didn't know about it until this week or last year. Doesn't freaking matter. It's their fault for being ignorant of what goes on in the world. Why should i be the one to suffer all these constant Kony 2012 updates (all over youtube and Facebook and tumblr now) which annoy the crap out of me just because some people don't bother to read the newspaper or search the web for something more interesting than cat videos. Seriously, i saw an article in the newspaper about the LRA and how they moved to the Congo like last year. If people decide to educate themselves on the other things that happen in the world BEFORE it escalates and becomes a huge movement then maybe they could have banned together earlier. Ugh, you can obviously sense my annoyance at these people who know nothing and then find out and think they know everything. Whatever, peace out.
I saw a status on facebook and it went like this "Okay wow, thats pathetic. Stop complaining about how we post the Kony stuff too much. We actually CARE. Some of us JUST found out. Its hard to spread the word. Some found out last year, cool. You didnt bother to help spread the word. Now that people are, dont go complaining because people with hearts did what you didnt bother to do long ago. We rather do it now then never do it. So shut up or have a heart." WHAT IS PATHETIC IS THAT YOU HAVE TO MAKE A FREAKING STATUS UPDATE CALLING PEOPLE LIKE ME PATHETIC. You post what you want about Kony and how ignorant to world problems if you don't know who kony is and I'll complain all i want about your stupid little status updates (p.s. this status isn't about me because i don't actually voice my annoyance since i have a high tolerance level. I'm voicing my opinion through this anonymous blog post) Seriously, i knew about Kony for a while now. It is not my fault that some people do not freaking give a crap about other people in the world. They only respond when their celebrities or their friends start talking about it. Seriously, she said she didn't know about it until this week or last year. Doesn't freaking matter. It's their fault for being ignorant of what goes on in the world. Why should i be the one to suffer all these constant Kony 2012 updates (all over youtube and Facebook and tumblr now) which annoy the crap out of me just because some people don't bother to read the newspaper or search the web for something more interesting than cat videos. Seriously, i saw an article in the newspaper about the LRA and how they moved to the Congo like last year. If people decide to educate themselves on the other things that happen in the world BEFORE it escalates and becomes a huge movement then maybe they could have banned together earlier. Ugh, you can obviously sense my annoyance at these people who know nothing and then find out and think they know everything. Whatever, peace out.
Saturday, February 4, 2012
Well, this is different
I went into this, planning to write a really depressing sort of blog post (as i normally do) but that is quite impossible now after watching something completely adorable. So instead, i will talk about how strange i am.
I am a really weird person. Ask my friends, they will confirm this (but i'm not going to give you my friends' names so if you really do want to ask, you must get my identity first, which will probably never be revealed). I will probably be one of the weirdest person you will ever meet. I'm like not bipolar but like infinitypolar. I have so many different moods and they all change constantly. My moods are also extreme. Like if i'm mad, i'll be extremely mad. If i'm sad, i'll be extremely sad. There is rarely any in between. Even when i have no mood, i will literally not have a mood. It's really weird and really hard for people to actually deal with this. I mean, what kind of person would want to be friends with someone who is just constant change. You have no idea what to expect from me, no idea at all.
I know i'm insane. I can't help it. I'm extremely awkward and i have secret personalities. You know, i want to slut it up one day and just see what people think. In my mind, i can be several things. I actually think i have an extremely slutty side in my mind that i'm like forcing to stay hidden or something. I'm a dancer in my mind, even though i don't think i'm actually that good. If only i had dance classes as a child. I love dance. I'm also a cheerleader in my mind. Dancing and cheerleading, that's probably the cause of my whole slutty side. But anyway. I'm super insecure but weird at the same time. I'm insecure in the sense that i compare myself to everything and i hate it. I'll never be thin enough (which is supposedly stupid because everyone says i'm thin). In my mind, i'm not thin enough. That makes me sound sort of anorexic but i'm not. Believe me, i'm not. I love food so much. I'm not bulimic either. I have no eating disorder. I'm just an almost 5 ft 7 in girl who weights more than i should (this is in my mind ok?). I'll never be good enough. I'll always think that i'm extremely easily replaced. This also doesn't fit with me being weird because i also don't care what other people think sometimes. I'm extremely weird. I act weird when i'm with my friends, even with people i don't know but i don't care. If they think i'm weird, they think i'm weird. I already know that and now they do too. I guess i'm just full of contradictions. My whole mind doesn't make sense, even to me. I'm supposed to understand myself but i don't. I don't think that i will ever understand myself. I'm discovering new things about myself all the time. Who know, in a few years i could be completely normal (er, society's idea of normal) but that would just be boring. (thinking back.... i'm wondering why i'm calling myself a slut.... I'm sorry i'm random)
UGH! This is exactly why i don't post things unless i'm emotionally charged. I tend to not finish. Like ever. so i'm just going to post this in hopes that it satisfies whatever it satisfies.
HE IS MINE. I'M THE ONLY THING ON HIS MIND. HE THINKS ABOUT ME ALL THE TIME......... (guess where that's from? I'm listening to it now)
I am a really weird person. Ask my friends, they will confirm this (but i'm not going to give you my friends' names so if you really do want to ask, you must get my identity first, which will probably never be revealed). I will probably be one of the weirdest person you will ever meet. I'm like not bipolar but like infinitypolar. I have so many different moods and they all change constantly. My moods are also extreme. Like if i'm mad, i'll be extremely mad. If i'm sad, i'll be extremely sad. There is rarely any in between. Even when i have no mood, i will literally not have a mood. It's really weird and really hard for people to actually deal with this. I mean, what kind of person would want to be friends with someone who is just constant change. You have no idea what to expect from me, no idea at all.
I know i'm insane. I can't help it. I'm extremely awkward and i have secret personalities. You know, i want to slut it up one day and just see what people think. In my mind, i can be several things. I actually think i have an extremely slutty side in my mind that i'm like forcing to stay hidden or something. I'm a dancer in my mind, even though i don't think i'm actually that good. If only i had dance classes as a child. I love dance. I'm also a cheerleader in my mind. Dancing and cheerleading, that's probably the cause of my whole slutty side. But anyway. I'm super insecure but weird at the same time. I'm insecure in the sense that i compare myself to everything and i hate it. I'll never be thin enough (which is supposedly stupid because everyone says i'm thin). In my mind, i'm not thin enough. That makes me sound sort of anorexic but i'm not. Believe me, i'm not. I love food so much. I'm not bulimic either. I have no eating disorder. I'm just an almost 5 ft 7 in girl who weights more than i should (this is in my mind ok?). I'll never be good enough. I'll always think that i'm extremely easily replaced. This also doesn't fit with me being weird because i also don't care what other people think sometimes. I'm extremely weird. I act weird when i'm with my friends, even with people i don't know but i don't care. If they think i'm weird, they think i'm weird. I already know that and now they do too. I guess i'm just full of contradictions. My whole mind doesn't make sense, even to me. I'm supposed to understand myself but i don't. I don't think that i will ever understand myself. I'm discovering new things about myself all the time. Who know, in a few years i could be completely normal (er, society's idea of normal) but that would just be boring. (thinking back.... i'm wondering why i'm calling myself a slut.... I'm sorry i'm random)
UGH! This is exactly why i don't post things unless i'm emotionally charged. I tend to not finish. Like ever. so i'm just going to post this in hopes that it satisfies whatever it satisfies.
HE IS MINE. I'M THE ONLY THING ON HIS MIND. HE THINKS ABOUT ME ALL THE TIME......... (guess where that's from? I'm listening to it now)
Friday, December 2, 2011
Untitled
(It's untitled because i want it to be untitled (<--- i am lazy...) written 10/3/11
What shall I say today? Hmmm, I've decided not to post during the weekends because I always forget to. I'm on tumblr all the time and I guess I don't really think of doing these during the weekend. Sometimes I do write durin the weekend when something that makes me feel happen. I don't post those though. I never remember to post on the weekend. Well what happened this weekend. I found a new drama that is going to allow me to write new posts. It makes me feel so much, the drama. I'm glad it doesn't remind me of anything though. By that I mean someone. I'm like addicted to it. This weekend I watched like eleven hour long episodes. So I spent 11 hours of my life, weekend, watching this. Everything in it happened so fast. 9 episode of it happened over the Spanish of nine months. Then it skipped ahead three years. There are 55 episodes. What more could possibly happen. Although, the love interests didn't start falling in love after the baby. Yes, I do say baby. I guess this is enoug for now. I really don't know what else to write at this point. I don't really like typing things out unless I have to release some built up energy and feelings. If you look back, almost all my posts are because I come up with a subject and get super fired up about it. I don't like writing posts where I just write about my day or something (I know, I did those near the beginning, if you looked back far enough, but those were when I was a happier girl. A naive girl.......)
What shall I say today? Hmmm, I've decided not to post during the weekends because I always forget to. I'm on tumblr all the time and I guess I don't really think of doing these during the weekend. Sometimes I do write durin the weekend when something that makes me feel happen. I don't post those though. I never remember to post on the weekend. Well what happened this weekend. I found a new drama that is going to allow me to write new posts. It makes me feel so much, the drama. I'm glad it doesn't remind me of anything though. By that I mean someone. I'm like addicted to it. This weekend I watched like eleven hour long episodes. So I spent 11 hours of my life, weekend, watching this. Everything in it happened so fast. 9 episode of it happened over the Spanish of nine months. Then it skipped ahead three years. There are 55 episodes. What more could possibly happen. Although, the love interests didn't start falling in love after the baby. Yes, I do say baby. I guess this is enoug for now. I really don't know what else to write at this point. I don't really like typing things out unless I have to release some built up energy and feelings. If you look back, almost all my posts are because I come up with a subject and get super fired up about it. I don't like writing posts where I just write about my day or something (I know, I did those near the beginning, if you looked back far enough, but those were when I was a happier girl. A naive girl.......)
Saturday, November 19, 2011
I'm just a shy person
I'm a person who is painfully shy. It's extreme. Extremely extreme. I feel like i have another person trapped inside of me. A person who's spontaneous and extremely outgoing, but she never comes out. The person i am on the outside is an outsider. A freak. gosh, this is so hard to write. It is so hard to write about myself because there are so many things i'm not, but want to be. You know that feeling? The feeling that i was supposed to me more than who i was? the feeling of being another person on the inside?
Well, i have two personalities. Possibly three. There is the person i am at school, the person i am with my friends, and the person i am in my mind. Today, i'll explain my school person. The person i am at school is the extremely shy person. The person i am at school is the quiet girl who never speaks. I'm not overly smart, although some would say that i am. I'm not confident. I walk through the halls with my head down. I'm the girl who never does anything daring. I'm the girl who doesn't want to embarrass herself. I'm the girl who rarely does anything besides read, sit quietly, and sometimes laugh and smile. I went through elementary like a regular elementary student, but that was before all the hormones. As an elementary student, i was still shy but i had an easier time talking because the kids were little and didn't care about much. I wasn't bullied or anything. I was just me. When i went to middle school, everything changed. Maybe it was because it was so different. Maybe it was just something that messed with my mind. Maybe it was supposed to happen how it did. Maybe, just maybe. I went through 6th grade not talking. I never talked in class. I just went from class to class. I rarely smiled. I fast walked through the hallways. I did everything i could to avoid people. I hated people touching me, even in the halls. I felt trapped. I didn't have any friends. My one friend from elementary was in the other core so i had no friends. I sat with people at lunch, but i never made conversation with them. I avoided people as much as possible. I got extremely nervous when the teacher called on me in class. I get extremely embarrassed and nervous whenever i bumped into someone or had an interaction with someone, even in group work. It was really really sad. I hated who i was. I hated who i was but i couldn't change it. I couldn't change it. I was so scared of change. I took my escape in books. I was a nerd, a geek.
Seventh grade wasn't much better. I actually cried. I cried in the cafeteria. I think at that moment, i vowed i would never show people my sad emotions. I sat there by myself, at a table, and cried to myself. I tried to hide it. I tried to hide it from the people who were sitting at the next table over, but i think they saw me. I hated it. I think i subconsciously vowed to myself that i would not let anyone know whenever i was sad. I would not let anyone know. I would keep it inside of me. I would keep it inside of me and never let it out.
Eighth grade was better. I gained more friends. I was less shy. I was still the geek and nerd. I would never be considered the popular person. I would never be considered the fun outgoing person. I was never loud enough to be voted anything. I was still the shy girl. I was still the person who rarely smiled in class. I was the person who blended in the background and didn't catch the attention of anyone. I was such a sad excuse for a person.
Ninth grade came. So did tenth. I was the same person as in eighth grade. There were those classes that i NEVER said anything in. I still had those classes. The classes where i did not have one friend in, i hated. I hated all the people. I've developed an interesting reaction to people. I hate being accidentally touched in the hallways. I scrunch my arms close to my body when i'm walking alone, hoping i won't bump into anyone. I'm still doing that. I'm still so worried. I'm still nervous. I'm still a person who is incredibly embarrassed whenever i accidentally run into someone. I'm also extremely embarrassed when i walk past a guy. I hate this about myself. I hate how submissive i am. I'm not assertive. I let everything slide. I do a lot of the work with groups. I am just a weak stupid person ok? I hate myself. I hate this physical shell of myself, hiding the person i really want to be. I regret so many things. You know those things that i mentioned in my other post? Yea, i regret so many things. It's way too late to change it now. I SUCK AS A PERSON.
Well, i have two personalities. Possibly three. There is the person i am at school, the person i am with my friends, and the person i am in my mind. Today, i'll explain my school person. The person i am at school is the extremely shy person. The person i am at school is the quiet girl who never speaks. I'm not overly smart, although some would say that i am. I'm not confident. I walk through the halls with my head down. I'm the girl who never does anything daring. I'm the girl who doesn't want to embarrass herself. I'm the girl who rarely does anything besides read, sit quietly, and sometimes laugh and smile. I went through elementary like a regular elementary student, but that was before all the hormones. As an elementary student, i was still shy but i had an easier time talking because the kids were little and didn't care about much. I wasn't bullied or anything. I was just me. When i went to middle school, everything changed. Maybe it was because it was so different. Maybe it was just something that messed with my mind. Maybe it was supposed to happen how it did. Maybe, just maybe. I went through 6th grade not talking. I never talked in class. I just went from class to class. I rarely smiled. I fast walked through the hallways. I did everything i could to avoid people. I hated people touching me, even in the halls. I felt trapped. I didn't have any friends. My one friend from elementary was in the other core so i had no friends. I sat with people at lunch, but i never made conversation with them. I avoided people as much as possible. I got extremely nervous when the teacher called on me in class. I get extremely embarrassed and nervous whenever i bumped into someone or had an interaction with someone, even in group work. It was really really sad. I hated who i was. I hated who i was but i couldn't change it. I couldn't change it. I was so scared of change. I took my escape in books. I was a nerd, a geek.
Seventh grade wasn't much better. I actually cried. I cried in the cafeteria. I think at that moment, i vowed i would never show people my sad emotions. I sat there by myself, at a table, and cried to myself. I tried to hide it. I tried to hide it from the people who were sitting at the next table over, but i think they saw me. I hated it. I think i subconsciously vowed to myself that i would not let anyone know whenever i was sad. I would not let anyone know. I would keep it inside of me. I would keep it inside of me and never let it out.
Eighth grade was better. I gained more friends. I was less shy. I was still the geek and nerd. I would never be considered the popular person. I would never be considered the fun outgoing person. I was never loud enough to be voted anything. I was still the shy girl. I was still the person who rarely smiled in class. I was the person who blended in the background and didn't catch the attention of anyone. I was such a sad excuse for a person.
Ninth grade came. So did tenth. I was the same person as in eighth grade. There were those classes that i NEVER said anything in. I still had those classes. The classes where i did not have one friend in, i hated. I hated all the people. I've developed an interesting reaction to people. I hate being accidentally touched in the hallways. I scrunch my arms close to my body when i'm walking alone, hoping i won't bump into anyone. I'm still doing that. I'm still so worried. I'm still nervous. I'm still a person who is incredibly embarrassed whenever i accidentally run into someone. I'm also extremely embarrassed when i walk past a guy. I hate this about myself. I hate how submissive i am. I'm not assertive. I let everything slide. I do a lot of the work with groups. I am just a weak stupid person ok? I hate myself. I hate this physical shell of myself, hiding the person i really want to be. I regret so many things. You know those things that i mentioned in my other post? Yea, i regret so many things. It's way too late to change it now. I SUCK AS A PERSON.
Monday, October 24, 2011
Some people
*sigh* I'm really bad at updating..... oh well...... this was written SO long ago
Some people are manipulative. Yes, that's right. Some people don't deserve to live because they cause so much pain to others. Some people should think through what they're saying and what they do because some day, you never know who will be after you because you tortured them throughout their life. There are many people who fit into this category. There are some people that karma needs to beat with a freaking mallet. Some people deserve to much more than that. People who are manipulative, always doing things for the good of themselves are stupid. I know everyone is hypocritical, but there are some people who are just all hypocrite. Every. Single. Word. they said is the opposite of what they actually do. I know one of these people. We'll call her A. A is stupid. A knows she's stupid. A likes to argue. A needs to get an ass whooping because she's a bitch ok? A just needs to get whatever she deserves from Karma. A likes to yell at people. She likes to bitch about everything to everyone. She's manipulative and always gets her way. When someone else gets their way, she'll complain to NO end and force people to do things for her to make up for it. A starts arguments for absolutely no reason at all. She's stupid and complains about the littlest things. Apparently A has good hearing. FACT. She doesn't. She says one thing and then later, she'll say that she never said that. She makes the person she's talking to feel like a freaking loser. She's the person who isn't happy unless others are miserable. She's the person who would bully a person to commit suicide. (Personal experience, caused me to hurt myself and now i'm scarred).
I actually feel bad for A. She has NO true friends because her personallity sucks. Her mouth runs on and on and on and tells people, even her friends, when they do things she doesn't like. For example, her friend gives her hugs everyday. A tells her friend that she doesn't like her friend's hugs and tells her to stop or she won't hang out with her anymore. A is the freaking demon from hell ok? When she dies, she'll probably rule all the demons. You think i'm exaggerating about this A person? Well i'm not. I'm so not. I'm not being harsh, i'm being honest. I'm telling the truth about A because she bothers me SO much. I actually wouldn't care if A died. People say i will, that i'm being way too harsh, but I don't. I don't give a fuck if A dies. My life, my grandmother's life, my parents' lives would be so much easier without A being alive. What i really hate is when A yells at older people. So disrespectful. Talks back 24 hours, 7 days a week. Right now, writing this, she's yelling at a person. She's yelling at a person right this instant. How stupid is that. It's like her mind is on an endless loop of yelling at people. Some day, she'll meet a person that'll get their revenge. I hope she meets that person. I hope she gets mugged on the streets. I won't feel bad for her. I would laugh at the justice that A deserved.
And what else, A won't ever get married. She won't freaking find a man who will put up with her shit. Her manipulative shit. If she met a guy, and stayed with him, then she'd be being fake. She even knows. A even knows that she'll never find a man. She realizes that no one wants her. She tries to pass it off as her not wanting to get married because she's "scared". But whatever. I know she knows the truth. I know she knows she's not as pretty as anyone else. I hope she feels like that every single day of her adulthood. She made me feel like that every single day of my freaking childhood. She's the reason i hate people and confrontation. I've been her little boxing bag and i haven't said a thing to her about it. Maybe that's why i let people walk all over me? Is that possible? She leaves my life and i'll be happy. I'm going to egg and fork and do everything i possibly can to her freaking house when i grow up. I will do everything i possibly can to make her feel like the dumbest person in the world. A has admitted to me several times that she's not as smart as me, that I am WAY smarter than her. Yea, then she goes and turns that around and calls me stupid because of some little thing. She called me stupid today because I just woke up and went to the bathroom and waited for her to leave so i can pee. I was just standing there waiting and she freaking called me stupid because i was waiting. Yea, I'm an idiot for waiting until she leaves so i can pee.
As you can tell, I swear up a storm when talking about A. She's responsible for me swearing in my mind. I can't control what I type once i start typing. A is a dumb bitch. One day, karma will kick her ass and keep kicking it because she deserves EVERYTHING that's coming to her. I hope she gets it soon. I hope she fucking gets what she deserves soon.
Some people are manipulative. Yes, that's right. Some people don't deserve to live because they cause so much pain to others. Some people should think through what they're saying and what they do because some day, you never know who will be after you because you tortured them throughout their life. There are many people who fit into this category. There are some people that karma needs to beat with a freaking mallet. Some people deserve to much more than that. People who are manipulative, always doing things for the good of themselves are stupid. I know everyone is hypocritical, but there are some people who are just all hypocrite. Every. Single. Word. they said is the opposite of what they actually do. I know one of these people. We'll call her A. A is stupid. A knows she's stupid. A likes to argue. A needs to get an ass whooping because she's a bitch ok? A just needs to get whatever she deserves from Karma. A likes to yell at people. She likes to bitch about everything to everyone. She's manipulative and always gets her way. When someone else gets their way, she'll complain to NO end and force people to do things for her to make up for it. A starts arguments for absolutely no reason at all. She's stupid and complains about the littlest things. Apparently A has good hearing. FACT. She doesn't. She says one thing and then later, she'll say that she never said that. She makes the person she's talking to feel like a freaking loser. She's the person who isn't happy unless others are miserable. She's the person who would bully a person to commit suicide. (Personal experience, caused me to hurt myself and now i'm scarred).
I actually feel bad for A. She has NO true friends because her personallity sucks. Her mouth runs on and on and on and tells people, even her friends, when they do things she doesn't like. For example, her friend gives her hugs everyday. A tells her friend that she doesn't like her friend's hugs and tells her to stop or she won't hang out with her anymore. A is the freaking demon from hell ok? When she dies, she'll probably rule all the demons. You think i'm exaggerating about this A person? Well i'm not. I'm so not. I'm not being harsh, i'm being honest. I'm telling the truth about A because she bothers me SO much. I actually wouldn't care if A died. People say i will, that i'm being way too harsh, but I don't. I don't give a fuck if A dies. My life, my grandmother's life, my parents' lives would be so much easier without A being alive. What i really hate is when A yells at older people. So disrespectful. Talks back 24 hours, 7 days a week. Right now, writing this, she's yelling at a person. She's yelling at a person right this instant. How stupid is that. It's like her mind is on an endless loop of yelling at people. Some day, she'll meet a person that'll get their revenge. I hope she meets that person. I hope she gets mugged on the streets. I won't feel bad for her. I would laugh at the justice that A deserved.
And what else, A won't ever get married. She won't freaking find a man who will put up with her shit. Her manipulative shit. If she met a guy, and stayed with him, then she'd be being fake. She even knows. A even knows that she'll never find a man. She realizes that no one wants her. She tries to pass it off as her not wanting to get married because she's "scared". But whatever. I know she knows the truth. I know she knows she's not as pretty as anyone else. I hope she feels like that every single day of her adulthood. She made me feel like that every single day of my freaking childhood. She's the reason i hate people and confrontation. I've been her little boxing bag and i haven't said a thing to her about it. Maybe that's why i let people walk all over me? Is that possible? She leaves my life and i'll be happy. I'm going to egg and fork and do everything i possibly can to her freaking house when i grow up. I will do everything i possibly can to make her feel like the dumbest person in the world. A has admitted to me several times that she's not as smart as me, that I am WAY smarter than her. Yea, then she goes and turns that around and calls me stupid because of some little thing. She called me stupid today because I just woke up and went to the bathroom and waited for her to leave so i can pee. I was just standing there waiting and she freaking called me stupid because i was waiting. Yea, I'm an idiot for waiting until she leaves so i can pee.
As you can tell, I swear up a storm when talking about A. She's responsible for me swearing in my mind. I can't control what I type once i start typing. A is a dumb bitch. One day, karma will kick her ass and keep kicking it because she deserves EVERYTHING that's coming to her. I hope she gets it soon. I hope she fucking gets what she deserves soon.
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