Annoyed.

Well, here I am again letting out all my annoyance and feelings onto a blog post because I have absolutely NO one else to talk to. One of my so called best friends turned out to not be as good of a friend as I thought. My other one, I don't really share things with even though she is one of the best people in my life. I am just angry. I am not happy, and it is just not good to keep everything in.

I just don't understand. I don't understand how some people could do the most idiotic acts ever. I don't understand why some things make people change for the worst, sometimes for the better, but I am not sure at the moment. I am just extremely frustrated with everything and everyone and ugh. Everything is just terrible.

Let's start off with the straw that broke the camel's back. Stupid stupid stupid. I can't even describe the rage that I have. Sisters should not hate each other, but there is no doubt that I absolutely despise my two sisters with a burning passion. We aren't even going to talk about the evil one because that would make me too angry to even type everything else.

Let us talk about the slutty one. Apparently my mother came home today to discover that she had "stolen" (according to the evil one, she was asleep while this happened but I call bullshit on her stupid lies) my sister's car keys and have driven somewhere and refuses to come home. Part of this frustration is because I can't really think that a girl who doesn't even have her license could do such a thing (but no, she's done it on numerous occasions and has even broken the side view mirror off of my mom's car. She said my dad planned it that way because she always parks it 'perfectly' back into place. That idiot.) but a major part of my frustration is at my parents for not really doing anything about it besides just yelling at her. I am not saying that I am condoning my parents beating the crap out of her, but I sort of am because there is really no other way I can possibly see them getting through to her thick fucking skull (please excuse my language but I am so full of frustration and rage. I can't even comprehend this idiot.).

To be honest, my parents are afraid of their children. They kind of deserve it too. I suppose I was raised in a culture (don't quote me on this but my mother tells me this all the time) that when we have children, they will be demon children because of the way we treat my parents. Sometimes I think that's true. My mother doesn't treat my grandmother very kindly (and I hate her for it). Looking at how she backtalks to my grandmother, there is no surprise where my sisters learned such disrespect for my mom. My mom has actually admitted that she was scared of my sister (to quote her, not directly of course because she said it in cantonese, I better go get your sister her doughnuts [my sister demanded my mom buy her krispy kreme doughnuts] or she'll yell at me and I am scared of her). You know, I don't really understand why she, the slutty one, has all the power. She's my dad's favorite despite all of this stupid crap she tries to pull (I know for a fact she drinks alcohol and smokes weed even though she is only a sophomore in high school). Even the evil one bows down to her wishes. I am the ONLY one who is not afraid of her and yet I don't care enough for her wellbeing to tell her. I haven't spoken to her for over a year and I don't plan to because she's a bitch to be honest.

Actually, I could give her a lecture but I know for a fact that I will end up exploding with anger and beating her myself. I don't want to resort to that because I know I will feel bad about myself, not necessarily guilty (because I will NEVER feel guilty for giving her what she deserves) but I will be disappointed in myself for letting her get to me in such a way that I would be too angry to even think. I have a lot of pent up anger inside of me but I don't always feel it. Sometimes it bursts out in random blog posts and other times I just have to cry it out by myself because no one is really 100% there for me.

I don't know. I just hope the slutty one gets retribution in one form or another. Either she gets pregnant, drops out of high school, doesn't go to college, gets arrested, gets pulled over, i don't care what as long as it makes her take a good look at her life and where she's heading. You know what, I hope that she actually ruins her life because that teaches more lessons than thinking she will get away with whatever she wants.

You know I once told my other sister a difference between expecting to get whatever you want and being a good person, gaining good karma points, and having good things happen to them. Maybe I will rant about that in another blog post but anyway...

What this blog post made me realize (and it's a really sad realization) is that I really have no one to go to. Sure I could start telling my cousin things, but will she really understand? No. I know that for a fact she won't. I will just get angry with her because she's friends with the slutty one and sometimes says things that also make me extremely angry because she doesn't think like me. I can't tell one of my oldest friends because we just don't discuss these types of things. Sure I will tell her about my idiotic sister but I won't tell her about how I feel about it or how it makes me so incredibly angry.As I mentioned in the first paragraph, I can't really tell my so called best friend because once she went to another state, she basically left our friendship in the dust. I have realized she is not the best of friends and people (specifically my college roommate) has told me that I should be glad to be rid of such a terrible person but why do I feel so sad? There really isn't anyone I can talk to besides you, my blog. I have realized so many times that the people I thought cared about me really didn't and I am kind of tired of not having any real friends who I can share everything with.

Everything sucks and I am crying but what can I really do about it? Nothing but keep it all bottled up until the next time I deserve a good cry. I am so fed up with my life, with annoying people, with fake people, with people who don't really care. It is not 1:38 in the morning. My eyes are wet and my throat is killing me but I have to wake up at 9 in the morning, put a smile on my face, and pretend to be okay for a while until the next time I write a blog post.

It's times like this where I wish I had someone who actually cared and knew enough about me to make me feel better. I had that but turns out that he was an absolute jerk but I will not discuss that now, especially while I am in such an emotional state because I will just end up saying things that aren't true ( or maybe they are. I may be emotional, but I am more honest when I am in this state. or so I would like to believe).

I am just not a happy person and right now I don't really feel like I could ever truly say that I am 100% happy with where I am in life. I am just going to attempt to surround myself with comfortable pillows and just listen to lovely instrumental music and just cry and try to sleep. I am just so emotionally spent.