I don't know, kind of feeling bitter.

As my title suggests, I am kind of feeling bitter and emotional right now. No, it is not that time of the month although this could have something to do with me only sleeping for 4 hours monday night and then only sleeping for 2.5 tuesday night (it is now wednesday).

I am not very functional when I don't get enough sleep and I am hungry. I don't know what to do anymore. I guess I just need a really good cry to get every emotion out of my system, isn't that the girly thing to do?

What is even my life right now? I don't know what's going on. I don't know what to do. I just don't know. There are people giving me opinions and advice and it's not that I don't want to listen to it or that it's bad advice (because it's actually really logical and good advice). I am just not the type of girl that thinks about the future (and when I do, I get upset and I feel like puking. It's sort of like anxiety).

I know I am being kind of vague, but things were said that just brought up old emotions (old painful emotions) that I would just not like to think about or feel. I really just don't want to be hurt again but when my friends gave me advice, I felt like I was drowning and just digging myself a deeper hole. I am kind of over thinking things and letting my feelings get the best of me.

This all is just a jumbled mess, but I have to have somewhere to get it out and this is the place. I don't really know what I am going to do. I don't really know what I am going to say but I hope this all works out for the sake of everyone involved. I am just soooo stressed right now that I don't even want to think of anything but homework.

That's when you know you've got it bad. When you actually focus on homework in order to distract yourself from something. I just don't even know anymore. My friends are pressuring me into talking to him and it just stresses me out because I am not his girlfriend and what we have to talk about is sort of like defining the relationship even though we already told each other what we wanted.

Oh my goodness. I am just so stressing right now I practically feel like crying whenever I think of this. OMG. I could totally get friend zoned too. I am just scared out of my mind and nervous as to what will happen. Maybe I will speak more on this later.

Annoyed.

Well, here I am again letting out all my annoyance and feelings onto a blog post because I have absolutely NO one else to talk to. One of my so called best friends turned out to not be as good of a friend as I thought. My other one, I don't really share things with even though she is one of the best people in my life. I am just angry. I am not happy, and it is just not good to keep everything in.

I just don't understand. I don't understand how some people could do the most idiotic acts ever. I don't understand why some things make people change for the worst, sometimes for the better, but I am not sure at the moment. I am just extremely frustrated with everything and everyone and ugh. Everything is just terrible.

Let's start off with the straw that broke the camel's back. Stupid stupid stupid. I can't even describe the rage that I have. Sisters should not hate each other, but there is no doubt that I absolutely despise my two sisters with a burning passion. We aren't even going to talk about the evil one because that would make me too angry to even type everything else.

Let us talk about the slutty one. Apparently my mother came home today to discover that she had "stolen" (according to the evil one, she was asleep while this happened but I call bullshit on her stupid lies) my sister's car keys and have driven somewhere and refuses to come home. Part of this frustration is because I can't really think that a girl who doesn't even have her license could do such a thing (but no, she's done it on numerous occasions and has even broken the side view mirror off of my mom's car. She said my dad planned it that way because she always parks it 'perfectly' back into place. That idiot.) but a major part of my frustration is at my parents for not really doing anything about it besides just yelling at her. I am not saying that I am condoning my parents beating the crap out of her, but I sort of am because there is really no other way I can possibly see them getting through to her thick fucking skull (please excuse my language but I am so full of frustration and rage. I can't even comprehend this idiot.).

To be honest, my parents are afraid of their children. They kind of deserve it too. I suppose I was raised in a culture (don't quote me on this but my mother tells me this all the time) that when we have children, they will be demon children because of the way we treat my parents. Sometimes I think that's true. My mother doesn't treat my grandmother very kindly (and I hate her for it). Looking at how she backtalks to my grandmother, there is no surprise where my sisters learned such disrespect for my mom. My mom has actually admitted that she was scared of my sister (to quote her, not directly of course because she said it in cantonese, I better go get your sister her doughnuts [my sister demanded my mom buy her krispy kreme doughnuts] or she'll yell at me and I am scared of her). You know, I don't really understand why she, the slutty one, has all the power. She's my dad's favorite despite all of this stupid crap she tries to pull (I know for a fact she drinks alcohol and smokes weed even though she is only a sophomore in high school). Even the evil one bows down to her wishes. I am the ONLY one who is not afraid of her and yet I don't care enough for her wellbeing to tell her. I haven't spoken to her for over a year and I don't plan to because she's a bitch to be honest.

Actually, I could give her a lecture but I know for a fact that I will end up exploding with anger and beating her myself. I don't want to resort to that because I know I will feel bad about myself, not necessarily guilty (because I will NEVER feel guilty for giving her what she deserves) but I will be disappointed in myself for letting her get to me in such a way that I would be too angry to even think. I have a lot of pent up anger inside of me but I don't always feel it. Sometimes it bursts out in random blog posts and other times I just have to cry it out by myself because no one is really 100% there for me.

I don't know. I just hope the slutty one gets retribution in one form or another. Either she gets pregnant, drops out of high school, doesn't go to college, gets arrested, gets pulled over, i don't care what as long as it makes her take a good look at her life and where she's heading. You know what, I hope that she actually ruins her life because that teaches more lessons than thinking she will get away with whatever she wants.

You know I once told my other sister a difference between expecting to get whatever you want and being a good person, gaining good karma points, and having good things happen to them. Maybe I will rant about that in another blog post but anyway...

What this blog post made me realize (and it's a really sad realization) is that I really have no one to go to. Sure I could start telling my cousin things, but will she really understand? No. I know that for a fact she won't. I will just get angry with her because she's friends with the slutty one and sometimes says things that also make me extremely angry because she doesn't think like me. I can't tell one of my oldest friends because we just don't discuss these types of things. Sure I will tell her about my idiotic sister but I won't tell her about how I feel about it or how it makes me so incredibly angry.As I mentioned in the first paragraph, I can't really tell my so called best friend because once she went to another state, she basically left our friendship in the dust. I have realized she is not the best of friends and people (specifically my college roommate) has told me that I should be glad to be rid of such a terrible person but why do I feel so sad? There really isn't anyone I can talk to besides you, my blog. I have realized so many times that the people I thought cared about me really didn't and I am kind of tired of not having any real friends who I can share everything with.

Everything sucks and I am crying but what can I really do about it? Nothing but keep it all bottled up until the next time I deserve a good cry. I am so fed up with my life, with annoying people, with fake people, with people who don't really care. It is not 1:38 in the morning. My eyes are wet and my throat is killing me but I have to wake up at 9 in the morning, put a smile on my face, and pretend to be okay for a while until the next time I write a blog post.

It's times like this where I wish I had someone who actually cared and knew enough about me to make me feel better. I had that but turns out that he was an absolute jerk but I will not discuss that now, especially while I am in such an emotional state because I will just end up saying things that aren't true ( or maybe they are. I may be emotional, but I am more honest when I am in this state. or so I would like to believe).

I am just not a happy person and right now I don't really feel like I could ever truly say that I am 100% happy with where I am in life. I am just going to attempt to surround myself with comfortable pillows and just listen to lovely instrumental music and just cry and try to sleep. I am just so emotionally spent.

Deep Ass Questions #2

2. Think of the last time you were REALLY angry. WHY were you angry? Do you still feel the same way?


Hmmm.... I get really angry a lot but most of the time I keep it inside. The last time I was verbally super duper angry? I would have to say was very very personal. I don't really want to talk about this because I get really ashamed of it. I was just very very very very angry and I almost did things that I would have really regret.

As for at this moment, I am angry. I don't think I will ever be as angry as the time mentioned above, but I am pretty angry right now. I'm angry for a lot of reasons. I'm angry that my mom is an idiot. Today, I donated blood without her permission. Ever since I was 12, I've been signing my own papers because my parents are never home. They go to work in the morning and don't come back until late. I've never really needed to ask for permission since then. Since I am almost 18, I figured that it would be okay and that I would tell her later. I came home today and told her and what do I get? I get yelled at for donating blood. Apparently I can't donate blood because in all the years she's been alive, she hasn't donated yet so why should I have gone and done it without permission. WTF is that logic. It's my blood and if I want to use it to save someone then I can. She has no right to tell me that, especially since I don't even consider her a mother.

I am also mad at myself. I am not one of the best people you'll ever meet. I'm not super skinny. I'm not super smart. I'm not sporty. I'm not anything but average. I am mad at myself for being shy and not taking risks. I'm mad at myself for not knowing what I want in life. I am mad at myself for being a coward.

There are just too many things that I am angry about. Too many things to list. Too many things to talk about in a blog post. There are just too many and that, I have realized, is really sad.

Not Very Many People Understand Me

Yup, there are very few people in this world that understands how to deal with me as a person. My mom is probably the person who understands the least about me.

One, if you yell at me I shut down, block you out, and get angry. That's basically all my mom does. She yells and yells and yells. She yells so much that I drown her out when she does. I don't listen. I hate people who yell at me. Is it hard to just sit down with me and talk like a normal person? Is it really that hard to have a conversation with me instead of yelling at me and telling me that I am lazy for not doing anything for you? No, it's not and maybe if my mom was more of a decent human being then maybe I would actually want to visit her when I am an adult.

Two, I hate it when people have double standards. It annoys the crap out of me. It's ok to have shifts in opinion and not everybody gets treated the same but is it really that hard to punish your children with the same punishments? I am the good child. I don't drink. I rarely go out. I don't do drugs. I get really good grades. But why? Why I ask do I get treated like a dog and yelled at for every. single. thing I do while my sister, who is the total wannabe popular type of person. She goes out basically every day and gets bad grades and my mom does nothing. Nothing. She doesn't get yelled at. She doesn't get treated like a freaking slave whenever she doesn't do anything my mom says.

*sigh* <--- that was a pretty big sigh because I am tired of my mom not appreciating me for EVERYTHING that I do for her. If it's not physically doing something, then she's not satisfied. Sometimes, I wonder what she would do if I got into drugs and alcohol. Sometimes, I come very close to just giving up on my life and succumbing to those vices just to show her how much of great child I was before. Seriously. What do I do? What do I do with a mom that won't listen?

You may wonder why I don't just talk to her about it. Well, she doesn't listen to anything. If it's not her talking, she won't listen. If it's not something she wants to hear, she won't listen. I've tried, time and time again to explain to her that yelling at me won't solve any problems. All it'll do is make me angry, very very very angry. But what does she do? She yells at me some more for being ungrateful and liking other people more than her. How am I supposed to deal with that? Every time she does it, it just makes me more and more frustrated.

I asked her once, in these exact words "do you want me to die?" while we were in an argument. and what did she do? She yelled at me for being ungrateful to her. All she said was look at that laptop i bought you. Look at that car I let you drive. Look at the clothes you have. Look at everything I gave you and why do you not listen to me? WELL WHY DON'T YOU LISTEN TO ME? I basically just told you that I want to die and you didn't even give a fuck.

I came so close to just slitting my wrists that day because I knew she wasn't going to change and I would never have that mother daughter relationship that I want. I came so close to ending my life because my very own mother didn't want to acknowledge the fact that the way she treats me doesn't help my depression. It doesn't help to know that the person who gave birth to me refuses to acknowledge everything that I do for her.The only thing that kept me from actually doing it was that my grandma would have been so sad when she came back from her vacation.

She doesn't understand and she never will. When I am all grown up then she'll feel my wrath. Revenge might not be the most healthiest thing but it's my motivation to succeed in life and not give up.

When I am an adult, she will feel the hurt that I did. I will be successful. I will make a lot of money. I will be successful and she won't get ANY of it. If my grandma is still alive, I would take her away from my mom. I would give her the luxury she deserves in her final years. I would make it known that this lady I live with right now is not my mother. She may be my "mother" technically, but emotionally she's hell. Living with her and the rest of my family is absolute hell. Right now, my "mother" will NOT be invited to my wedding. I will make sure to invite my dad but NOT my mother. I have disowned her as a mother just like she disowned me as a child when I asked if she wanted me to die.

After that day, I have more and more anger. I am so done with pretending that I actually like my mom. I am so done with pretending that we can actually live with each other. I am so done with her. I will NOT live at home. I would rather cut off my arms than live at home for college. I refuse to live at home. I refuse to have her at my wedding. I refuse to come back home for any other reason than to visit my grandparents and for family parties.

I am filled with so much anger towards my mother that after college, I plan on never seeing her face again. She made me the angry person that I am. She doesn't understand buddhism at all. If a daughter mistreats her mother, then her daughter will mistreat her 10X as worse. Well my mother mistreats my grandma and me and therefore she brought my wrath on her herself. I will never treat my daughter the way she treats me.



and now that I am calm, I still hate my mother.

News report

One day, you're all going to see my name on the news. You may not know it was me, but you will cringe at all the horrible things that I did to people. You will probably sit there and wonder 'what kind of life mush she had to do those horrific acts to people' and then you'll come read this blog or remember about this blog and maybe then you'll understand, at least a little bit about me. About what drove me to hurt all the people that I did. That cause me to murder my whole family.

I am so angry right now. So angry that such evil little demons live in my house. So angry that I came VERY close to punching a giant hole in my wall, but I didn't. I don't want to pay for any fucking damage I do to this rotten hell hole of a house. Once my grandparents die, I'll basically have no family anymore. Dumb ass sister will be dead to me. Completely dead to me. There will be NO reason for me to come back to this stupid house.

Once my grandparents die, I'm on my own. None of these stupid people will come to my wedding. Hell, whoever I marry probably will think my parents died and that I only have one sister because frankly, everyone else is a fuckin bitch and doesn't need to be in my life. My children won't know they have 4 aunts and grandparents from my side of the family.

If I ever become like my mom or my sisters, I would probably kill myself. Sometimes, I hope that my sisters would go kill themselves or get into a bad accident or get murdered just so I don't have to kill them myself. Frankly, I think that if I have to deal with them for the rest of my life, I WILL end up murdering them.

Maybe I'm just messed up like that. Maybe I'm just some psychopath that needs to be locked up. As I said before, they would all be dead right now. But the problem is, I have a life. Sometimes, I don't want to live it and just end my suffering myself. But other times, I want to see what I can become. Killing myself is not the solution to my problem. If I died, nothing would change. What I want is to be famous. I want to be rich and successful and I want to drive by this house and this area and see this house in ruins. I want to be successful and see my sister begging for spare change. I want to see my other sister working her corner trying to get money for her and her three children with three different baby daddies. Most of all, I want to see my family suffer for all the pain they caused me. I am waiting for the day when karma bites their butts. I am waiting for the day when karma completely squishes their lives and make it nonexistent. That is one of the few reasons I'm still alive. So that I can have my good life and watch them live our their bleak existences.

What?

So, I just saw this on tumblr. This is what it said......

"saying 'how can you be sad when people have it so much worse than you' is as ridiculous as 'how can you be happy when people have it so much better than you'"

I completely agree with this. In my opinion, I feel that this piece of speech speaks so many words. If you're asking me how can I be sad with all this "awesomeness" in my life is just like me asking you how you can be so happy with life if at least one person out in the world has it so much better than you?

This is exactly why people cannot question depression. It's basically saying that. I'm a fairly happy person, at least I try my hardest to radiate that opinion to other people. Deep down, I am basically hiding a depressed black hole. Isn't that kind of sad?

When I am in a particularly depressing state, there is no other person other than me. This may have just sounded really stupid and selfish, but that's how I feel. I feel that there is no one with it worse than me. Maybe sometimes it may be true, out of all the people I know I may be the saddest or the most depressed. There is no way I can know that.

All we ever know is the known. Out of everything I know, I am the most depressed. It may be that my friends are more depressed than me, but they don't share it with me, so then that isn't know. When I am depressed, I don't think of other people. I only think of my situation. I'm pretty sure a lot of people feel this way. When they're upset they think about themselves. It's just how human nature is, isn't it?

If you really think about it, there is nothing but ourselves. From the day we are born, to the day we die we're ALWAYS thinking about ourselves and how we can make our lives better.

Logically, I know that my situation is not the worse, but how about all you people that tell me to feel better or that people have it worse than me keep your positivism to yourselves. I don't want your positivism (i'm a pessimist anyway). I don't accept your positivism and if you think about it, why are you so happy? Why are you so happy when there is so much more you could do to be happier?

I know that the world would be a terrible terrible absolutely terrible place without all these positive people, but these positive people DO NOT need to push their positivism onto me. I am fine wallowing in my own depressing feelings. If you leave me alone, I will eventually be able to compose myself. Pushing your happiness onto me is NOT going to make me feel better. It's best to just leave me alone.

After all, I am a just a girl. A girl who feels extremely sad sometimes.

Short Temper.

I am a person who has a VERY high tolerance level but once you start testing my tolerance, I will go ape shit crazy on you. Seriously.

When I first meet a person and I don't immediately dislike them then I will be their friend, but once they start exhibiting behaviors that get on my nerves, the tolerance I have for them gets smaller and smaller. This ends up destroying my friendships but do I care? Most times I have no fucks to give. If you're going to annoy me enough to make me angry and stop being friends with you, then do you think I care at all? Not really.

I just have a lot of things that I don't like and I am very annoyed right now. People can just go die. What irks me the most is when people aren't appreciative of me. If I go through the effort of doing something extremely nice to you (which I rarely do since I am a pretty bitter person) then you best appreciate it. You do not go crawling back to the people that hurt you because that is the last straw.

If someone basically rejects my act of niceness and completely blows me off for someone else, especially someone I hate, then everything is ruin. There is VERY little chance that this is just an angry mood of mine and that I'll get over it. I will not. I am the type of person that holds grudges. I will not forget. I will let the one little thing dig into my brain and fester. Then the more times you do things that annoy me, the more hatred I will have towards you. Thinking about this makes me super angry and want to punch a wall. People should just learn how to be normal human beings instead of the cruel monsters they are.

Don't get me wrong, I know I have my fair share of fault (just read through my blog and you'll find all of them) but at least I know what's wrong from right most times. Most people don't even know that and I am sitting here and just hating on them wishing they would just fail at life already. It is these people that make me angry, depressed, suicidal because I don't even want to deal with them anymore.

I would give anything to transfer into a different family. I would give anything to reverse time and make sure that my second and third sisters were NEVER born. I would give anything to have them out of my life. Why wish when I could escape from them? From all the pressures of society? From life itself? After all, sometimes I feel like what's the point?

Frankly, I don't care about how my death would affect people because I don't care about people. I know there is one, two, maybe three people who would truly and completely be torn apart because of my death, but the rest? There will be a lot of people who don't care. There will be a lot of people who will pretend like the knew the "real" me. There will be those people who will put on a show because they are suppose to care even though they don't. And then there are the people who will feel guilty.

If I were to ever kill myself, which I do think about occasionally (I just don't have the guts to do it.... Wimpy me), I would make sure that the blame gets placed. I would make sure that the people who have caused me all of this suffering and pain know that it was them who did it. That my death is in their hands. And I pray to god that they will suffer for the rest of their lives with guilt. That is one of the best things that would result from my death. People learning that they are horrible monsters and suffering from my death for the rest of their lives.

You see, hate is not a very good thing to harbor inside of you, but it's the only thing I know how to do with hate.

SCREW EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING

The anger is pretty uncontrollable and I hate it. I hate everything. I hate everyone. I hate myself. I hate all the memories and everything that has to do with you. Please just get out of my mind. Please? PLEASE?

I am beyond frustrated with myself. BEYOND frustrated. Sometimes, I wish I could escape myself.



Sorry for the little rant. Just so many pent up emotions right now.


Nobody touch me and leave me alone to wallow in my despair.

Screw life

I am in a slump. A very depressing slump and quite frankly, I do not know why. I seriously have not been enjoying life at all. I don't smile very much and when I do, it's usually a lie. I just don't know what's wrong with me.

Maybe it's all the stress. That's probably it. Whoever was the person who thought that letting an extremely indecisive 17 year old girl make decisions about her whole future was obviously messed up and should be arrested and jailed forever. Seriously, I am majorly stressed about everything I have to do to "secure" my future. What are we all really moving towards? (I'll explain more in another blog post if i get to it)

I guess I'm just angry at myself. I'm angry I can't make a choice and I'm angry that I feel fat and gross and disgusting. I just have a whole lot of insecurities right now. Insecurities about my present, my future, everything in my life.

To add to that stress, I happen to have a terrible case of senioritis. It makes me angry. Ugh. Lots of things make me angry but I just feel everything caving in. I'm like a ticking time bomb and one day I will explode and all my rage with just be released. I'm scared that it'll be on someone that I truly care about. (I'm worried that it's happening right now. That i'm taking my anger out on someone that doesn't deserve it)

I'm just a super angry person right now so that best thing to do is to not piss me off. My grandpa pissed me off like 2 days ago. I drove around crying and literally screaming my lungs out in my car. All this pressure and stress is getting to me and I don't know how to make it better.

I guess this is just me. I hide it and write a blog post about it. Then I cry alone in my room about everything but I don't do anything to fix it. I hate life. I hate life with a burning passion. It's gross and disgusting and frankly, I don't want to deal with it anymore.