The day I realized I liked you....

Hey oh. I have not blogged in a while but there isn't really a lot that happened.... scratch that. There was A LOT that happened. We ain't even going to touch the stupid K drama that happened last weekend. I was not drunk enough to deal with the shit storm that K caused. ugh. Yeah, I didn't start this blog post to talk about her or anyone other than HIM.

I don't know... I guess I am just feeling a little emotional listening to sad songs and everything. A lot of people have told me bad things about him, including K (she said some mean things man), that I know are kind of true or kind of make sense but I just don't understand why I still like him. I don't. He's not my normal type. For one, he is a player and I have said it plenty of times. I HATE PLAYERS. I didn't ever want to be played (but look at where I am now? I am being played and it sucks). I didn't even want to converse with players (the thing is, I didn't know he was one when I started liking him). Two, my type is asian. Out of the probably hundreds of guys I have found attractive a good 95% of them are asian. I never thought I would have date anyone that wasn't asian because most times I wasn't even attracted to them (maybe that sounds racist, but I am just being honest). Three, he is 27. That is like a 8 year difference? That doesn't bother me but I thought my next boyfriend would be closer to my age. Alan was one year above me and about 1.5 years older than me. I never thought I would like someone who was that much older than me, at least not for my next boyfriend. His age honestly doesn't bother me. I am willing to date anyone from 17.5-29 although I would prefer older (but if my soulmate is younger I can't really help that) because I was raised up in a family where my grandparents have a 10+ years difference and several of my aunt and uncles have 7+ years difference. It's not weird to me.

But anyway, we are getting off topic. I was thinking about why I liked him and that lead to the day I realized that I liked him. It was a very weird moment I guess but thinking back it really makes me smile....

It was the day that he drank vodka through a straw.. haha I know that sounds kind of weird but that was one of the most memorable things about that night. We also "watched" world war Z (actually C watched world war Z, I got scared and went to bed. But the exact moment I realized I liked him was when we were sitting. He was sitting in C's chair and I was sitting in front of the chair on the floor. I was leaning back on his crossed legs and that was the best. He played with my hair (which is the best thing ever because guys are too scared of hurting you so they are super gentle with your hair). He was also leaning forward to talk to me and was looking up the cancer aquarius compatibility (which is sweet). That was the moment I knew I had fallen. I liked him. I still like him.

It frustrates me though. I like him so much. I would do anything to be his girl but at the same time I don't want to be his girl. I know he's a player. I know he's probably not looking for a commitment right now (he might even be scared of a commitment) but he is the first guy I have shown ANY interest in since my last boyfriend and I really really like him.

ugh. He knows I like him. but I have no idea how he feels about me. This is not the ideal situation that I want to be in right now. I have tried asking him how he feels about me, but both times he has sort of avoided the subject (which is probably a big clue that he doesn't really like me in that way)... I guess I will attempt to talk to him again (one day. I hate talks and they scare me because I will probably get told things I really don't want to hear).

You know it really sucks when you realize that as soon as there is another girl showing interest, he would drop me at the snap of a finger (at least I think so because I don't know how he feels about me but he's a player so probably). I am literally just a side bitch and it makes me want to cry because I never wanted to be in this situation but I like him so much I don't really want to be out of this situation.

Ugh. It would have been so much easier if I didn't fall for him, if I found my own man.

ugh. whatever. I am going to end this by giving a big fuck you to K for saying that he was an asshole and a complete joke for being 27 and still working on his graduate degree. What kind of person says that about their friend? two faced bitch.

^ because of that, you don't want to get on my bad side. Once I hate you, I HATE you.

Annoyed.

Well, here I am again letting out all my annoyance and feelings onto a blog post because I have absolutely NO one else to talk to. One of my so called best friends turned out to not be as good of a friend as I thought. My other one, I don't really share things with even though she is one of the best people in my life. I am just angry. I am not happy, and it is just not good to keep everything in.

I just don't understand. I don't understand how some people could do the most idiotic acts ever. I don't understand why some things make people change for the worst, sometimes for the better, but I am not sure at the moment. I am just extremely frustrated with everything and everyone and ugh. Everything is just terrible.

Let's start off with the straw that broke the camel's back. Stupid stupid stupid. I can't even describe the rage that I have. Sisters should not hate each other, but there is no doubt that I absolutely despise my two sisters with a burning passion. We aren't even going to talk about the evil one because that would make me too angry to even type everything else.

Let us talk about the slutty one. Apparently my mother came home today to discover that she had "stolen" (according to the evil one, she was asleep while this happened but I call bullshit on her stupid lies) my sister's car keys and have driven somewhere and refuses to come home. Part of this frustration is because I can't really think that a girl who doesn't even have her license could do such a thing (but no, she's done it on numerous occasions and has even broken the side view mirror off of my mom's car. She said my dad planned it that way because she always parks it 'perfectly' back into place. That idiot.) but a major part of my frustration is at my parents for not really doing anything about it besides just yelling at her. I am not saying that I am condoning my parents beating the crap out of her, but I sort of am because there is really no other way I can possibly see them getting through to her thick fucking skull (please excuse my language but I am so full of frustration and rage. I can't even comprehend this idiot.).

To be honest, my parents are afraid of their children. They kind of deserve it too. I suppose I was raised in a culture (don't quote me on this but my mother tells me this all the time) that when we have children, they will be demon children because of the way we treat my parents. Sometimes I think that's true. My mother doesn't treat my grandmother very kindly (and I hate her for it). Looking at how she backtalks to my grandmother, there is no surprise where my sisters learned such disrespect for my mom. My mom has actually admitted that she was scared of my sister (to quote her, not directly of course because she said it in cantonese, I better go get your sister her doughnuts [my sister demanded my mom buy her krispy kreme doughnuts] or she'll yell at me and I am scared of her). You know, I don't really understand why she, the slutty one, has all the power. She's my dad's favorite despite all of this stupid crap she tries to pull (I know for a fact she drinks alcohol and smokes weed even though she is only a sophomore in high school). Even the evil one bows down to her wishes. I am the ONLY one who is not afraid of her and yet I don't care enough for her wellbeing to tell her. I haven't spoken to her for over a year and I don't plan to because she's a bitch to be honest.

Actually, I could give her a lecture but I know for a fact that I will end up exploding with anger and beating her myself. I don't want to resort to that because I know I will feel bad about myself, not necessarily guilty (because I will NEVER feel guilty for giving her what she deserves) but I will be disappointed in myself for letting her get to me in such a way that I would be too angry to even think. I have a lot of pent up anger inside of me but I don't always feel it. Sometimes it bursts out in random blog posts and other times I just have to cry it out by myself because no one is really 100% there for me.

I don't know. I just hope the slutty one gets retribution in one form or another. Either she gets pregnant, drops out of high school, doesn't go to college, gets arrested, gets pulled over, i don't care what as long as it makes her take a good look at her life and where she's heading. You know what, I hope that she actually ruins her life because that teaches more lessons than thinking she will get away with whatever she wants.

You know I once told my other sister a difference between expecting to get whatever you want and being a good person, gaining good karma points, and having good things happen to them. Maybe I will rant about that in another blog post but anyway...

What this blog post made me realize (and it's a really sad realization) is that I really have no one to go to. Sure I could start telling my cousin things, but will she really understand? No. I know that for a fact she won't. I will just get angry with her because she's friends with the slutty one and sometimes says things that also make me extremely angry because she doesn't think like me. I can't tell one of my oldest friends because we just don't discuss these types of things. Sure I will tell her about my idiotic sister but I won't tell her about how I feel about it or how it makes me so incredibly angry.As I mentioned in the first paragraph, I can't really tell my so called best friend because once she went to another state, she basically left our friendship in the dust. I have realized she is not the best of friends and people (specifically my college roommate) has told me that I should be glad to be rid of such a terrible person but why do I feel so sad? There really isn't anyone I can talk to besides you, my blog. I have realized so many times that the people I thought cared about me really didn't and I am kind of tired of not having any real friends who I can share everything with.

Everything sucks and I am crying but what can I really do about it? Nothing but keep it all bottled up until the next time I deserve a good cry. I am so fed up with my life, with annoying people, with fake people, with people who don't really care. It is not 1:38 in the morning. My eyes are wet and my throat is killing me but I have to wake up at 9 in the morning, put a smile on my face, and pretend to be okay for a while until the next time I write a blog post.

It's times like this where I wish I had someone who actually cared and knew enough about me to make me feel better. I had that but turns out that he was an absolute jerk but I will not discuss that now, especially while I am in such an emotional state because I will just end up saying things that aren't true ( or maybe they are. I may be emotional, but I am more honest when I am in this state. or so I would like to believe).

I am just not a happy person and right now I don't really feel like I could ever truly say that I am 100% happy with where I am in life. I am just going to attempt to surround myself with comfortable pillows and just listen to lovely instrumental music and just cry and try to sleep. I am just so emotionally spent.

It's been a while

Yes, I know it's been quite the long time. It's now november of 2013. I have been in college since august and I must say that most of the time I hate it here.

*lolz* I almost forgot how to put an enter in this blog post.

College is not as I expected. To be honest, I really thought I would have had a different experience. By reading my blog posts, you all probably know how big of an introvert I am (and trust me, I am a huge introvert) and the college that I am at isn't a great place for an introvert.

I expected to make more friends honestly. People say that the friends you make in college are the ones that stick with you for the rest of your life. Well I have no new friends right now and honestly, I am getting tired of some of the ones that I do have. I wanted to be more social but there are specific things that are keeping me from being who I really want to be.

I just don't want to be friends with those blond white girls with the Uggs and leggings, the ones who are just there to party.Since I am at such a big party school... I am just hoping that the partiers end up dropping out or transferring to another school because I don't really want to deal with them. Even though I myself want to party doesn't mean that I will go out every single weekend and get fucked up. That's not me. I never want to black out. I never want to wake up and not remember what is happening (but this topic is for another time).

Back to my point though. College is really not what I expected. Maybe it's because I lost the chance of going to a really great school (or a more prestigious school).

*Side Note* I am loving my room mate. Honestly, sometimes I like her more than my best friend. I am so used to her now that I am really going to be sad when she transfers to another school. But to the point. She said something that made me realize that I could have been at better places with better people.

She told me that I could have gotten into a way better school. Just by hearing my work ethnic and living with me, a complete stranger can tell me that I could have done great things makes me feel really regretful about some of the advantages that I didn't take part in.

Here are a list of things I should have done. Maybe this will help you guys who are younger

1. I probably should have taken the SAT. I know I would have done well. It's not because I am arrogant, it's just that I always do really well on standardized tests. I got a 30 on my ACT when my practice ACT predicted a 27 (and I didn't study for this test like AT ALL). I could have done really well on my SAT if I did take it. This is one of my biggest regrets. If I took the SAT I could have applied to schools in California (which is where I really wanted to go). I took the ACT but I did not take it with writing. If I had the chance to go back, I would have just sucked it up and drove all the way to the school that was offering the SAT.

2. I wish I would have been more involved with my school. I really wasn't involved at all with my school. I didn't play any sports (and I would have if I didn't have a job). I really wanted to be on the tennis team but I was too shy to even try. I don't know. I could have been in things like class leadership or been a backstage person for plays or something that would have made me more well rounded or given me experiences for scholarships. I really just went to school and went home. That was basically my whole high school career right there.

3. I sort of wish I applied to more school. I only applied to three schools and the sister school of one of these schools. I really should have applied to more prestigious schools. Maybe I could have gotten in then gotten a lot of scholar ships. That would have been awesome. I could be at a really awesome school instead of here with people I don't like and frankly don't want to be around.

4. I definitely wish I would have done more research on the school that I am going to now. I probably would have chosen a completely different resident hall. I should have done more research instead of blindly following a friend because ultimately that is a bad thing. Never do something just because your friend is doing it. Ultimately, you have to live with your choices. I am not happy with this resident hall. I could have been in a much nicer place or could have just commuted because I haven't made any friends. I should have looked into the cost of going to here versus the other places I had in mind. I wish I would have done additional research on the places that I wanted to go to out of state.

There are plenty more regret I have about my college experience but I am only going to write about those 4. I'll probably write more about college later because it's really bringing me down. All these regrets just make me sad, but I made my choices and now I have to live with them.

On the less sad side... I do have one choice that I was and still am very happy about making.

I am SO glad that I chose not to be room mates with anyone I knew. It's great being room mates with a best friend but eventually I get tired of people. Being around a person too much makes me sick of them. I would probably hate my best friend by this point. Living with someone that you're friends with is just not a good idea, especially if you're going to be in your room all the time. Honestly, I love my current room mate and she's the best match for me. I would have had a lot of problems if I was paired up with anyone else on my floor. I am so glad that I didn't cave in and live with my best friend. I am so glad that I chose to live with a stranger instead. I am SO glad that said stranger respects my need for quiet and time to myself. She doesn't judge me, in fact we have so much more in common.

My room mate and I have had so many conversations. I have shared so much of my life with her. She's awesome and I really really really hope that we can remain friends after she transfers.

The only reason I am still at this college and will continue to be in this college is because of money. I am not paying as much as other people for this lovely college experience. This college would have cost around 13000 a semester to attend. I got about 3500 for a grant. I got a 4,400 academic scholarship. I got 2000 dollars from another grant. 1,800 for work study (which I still don't understand how it works). Then I got an esteemed scholarship for 2,500. I am currently 10,000 in loans and had to pay 1,500 out of my own bank account in order to go here. This really isn't a lot compared to other people and I am lucky to be going here for so little.

Money is basically stopping me from going somewhere I really want to go. I would definitely transfer to a California school if I could. Hell, I would even go to the other side of the country if I could.

Words cannot explain how I feel right now

There is one word that comes close to describing how I feel, but does not completely encase it. That word is stressed.

There are so many pressures put upon my shoulders right now that it isn't even fathomable how I have not been crushed by my load right now. I have so many emotional issues and so many actual things to do but what I actually do is nothing. There isn't much I can do to fix my emotional issues. It's not like I can heal my brain (and asians don't believe in depression and such... at least my family doesn't).

It's not like I can tell my brain to stop being so sad all the time, to stop thinking about people and move onto better things can it? If anyone knows how to control my brain then please inform me because I do not need this sadness in my life right now.

Sometimes, I can cry with all this pressure, with all the thoughts going through my head. I'm crying right now actually because I don't want to deal with growing up, moving on, gaining freedom, everything. All this pressure is getting to me and messing with my brain.

When I'm stressed, I can't help but to think of the past. I can't help pulling up past memories of people I used to know. I can't help pulling up past relationships, past friendships, past opportunities that I missed, past everything. You see... when there is enough stress on my plate, I live in the past. I think about "M" who used to be my best friend. Who used to be so close to me and yet she is one of the people I hate most right now. Isn't it funny how that happens?

I can't help thinking about A and what could have happened if I told him how I actually feel. How I felt from 3rd to 5th grade, 7-8th grade, and perhaps even high school. I can't help thinking of the possible relationship that we would have had and whether he would have broken my heart or not. I really hope not because I have had enough heartbreak to last me for a while.

And lastly, I think of him. The person who has hurt me the most. I don't know why thoughts of this terrible terrible jerk comes into my mind when I am extremely stressed. I don't know why I continue to torture myself with his memories. I can't even begin to describe how frustrating this is. I wish I could just forget, but life doesn't work that way. No matter how hard I try, I can't forget.

I can't forget about my ex-best friend who I used to care about and now I hate. I can't forget about the person that could have been my first love or my first heartbreak or maybe a little bit of both, but at least could have been my friend. and last, I can't forget about my first actual heartbreak. I can't forget the person who put me though so much pain, who still is.

I just can't forget, no matter how hard I try.



Right now, I am watching a drama called "The Innocent Man" and I am quite envious of Eun Gi. *SPOILER ALERT* she gets to forget everything. She gets to have a car crash and forget. She gets to forget all the pain and sadness. How I wish I could a restart with my memories. Maybe I would finally get some peace. Maybe I can even be happy for a little bit.



No matter how much I want to forget, there are always the things that I don't. I don't ever want to forget my current best friend because she is amazing. I don't want to forget the friendship that took 5 years to build. I don't want to forget her....

but sometimes I ask myself if it's worth it. If remembering this one bright sun in my life is worth all the pain that I have within my brain and ultimately the pain within my heart? Sometimes, on a good day, I would say yes. All my memories with her, with N and possibly with D are all worth this pain that I am feeling right now.

and on days like this... On nights like this, I am willing to give up my life to stop this (what seems like) endless waves of pain. Never would I have ever thought that I would be sitting in my bedroom alone and crying my eyes out wishing for a better life. I didn't think I had it that bad, but sometimes it feels terrible.

and I just deal with it, this pain. I have kept it all in until one night I just break down and rant all my problems through this blog. There are those meaningless posts about random stuff within this blog. There are days where I just want to write something for this blog.



But there are also those days where this blog is my medicine. It's what keeps me going. It is an outlet. It is MY outlet for things that I can't tell anyone, for all the pain that I experience, and all the feelings that I have kept inside for so long.

This blog is my way of dealing. This blog is my medicine.

News report

One day, you're all going to see my name on the news. You may not know it was me, but you will cringe at all the horrible things that I did to people. You will probably sit there and wonder 'what kind of life mush she had to do those horrific acts to people' and then you'll come read this blog or remember about this blog and maybe then you'll understand, at least a little bit about me. About what drove me to hurt all the people that I did. That cause me to murder my whole family.

I am so angry right now. So angry that such evil little demons live in my house. So angry that I came VERY close to punching a giant hole in my wall, but I didn't. I don't want to pay for any fucking damage I do to this rotten hell hole of a house. Once my grandparents die, I'll basically have no family anymore. Dumb ass sister will be dead to me. Completely dead to me. There will be NO reason for me to come back to this stupid house.

Once my grandparents die, I'm on my own. None of these stupid people will come to my wedding. Hell, whoever I marry probably will think my parents died and that I only have one sister because frankly, everyone else is a fuckin bitch and doesn't need to be in my life. My children won't know they have 4 aunts and grandparents from my side of the family.

If I ever become like my mom or my sisters, I would probably kill myself. Sometimes, I hope that my sisters would go kill themselves or get into a bad accident or get murdered just so I don't have to kill them myself. Frankly, I think that if I have to deal with them for the rest of my life, I WILL end up murdering them.

Maybe I'm just messed up like that. Maybe I'm just some psychopath that needs to be locked up. As I said before, they would all be dead right now. But the problem is, I have a life. Sometimes, I don't want to live it and just end my suffering myself. But other times, I want to see what I can become. Killing myself is not the solution to my problem. If I died, nothing would change. What I want is to be famous. I want to be rich and successful and I want to drive by this house and this area and see this house in ruins. I want to be successful and see my sister begging for spare change. I want to see my other sister working her corner trying to get money for her and her three children with three different baby daddies. Most of all, I want to see my family suffer for all the pain they caused me. I am waiting for the day when karma bites their butts. I am waiting for the day when karma completely squishes their lives and make it nonexistent. That is one of the few reasons I'm still alive. So that I can have my good life and watch them live our their bleak existences.

2 years+

My very first blog post was on April 8th, 2010 at 6:50 PM PST. I've had this blog for more than two years. It's actually approaching 3 years. I've changed so much.

I've changed so so much since then. If you actually go back and read those posts, I am naive. I am innocent. I was not depressed and I was happy... or at least I thought I was happy.

Now read my blog posts. What are they? They're depressed and gross. Lots of things happened in these two years of having this blog. I've learned a lot. I've reflected a lot. It's just a lot.

All these changes...... can I say they were for the better? I guess we shall see. Can I say they were for the worse? Probably. I went from happy to depressed. Why is that not worse?

I don't know. I guess when I started this blog, I had a prince charming (or who I thought would have been my prince charming) but now, what am I doing?

I'm still waiting. I've suffered through the immeasurable pain of having your heart broken and I guess I am still picking up the pieces. Will I ever be whole again? I don't know. Will I ever find another Prince? Maybe. It's all unknown.

I'm just a senior in high school. I'm just waiting to be accepted into college (even though it is no question that I am accepted into the colleges that I applied to. Got a 30 on ACT).

Actually, I am just a girl who wants to be happy. I. Am. Just. A. Girl.

Short Temper.

I am a person who has a VERY high tolerance level but once you start testing my tolerance, I will go ape shit crazy on you. Seriously.

When I first meet a person and I don't immediately dislike them then I will be their friend, but once they start exhibiting behaviors that get on my nerves, the tolerance I have for them gets smaller and smaller. This ends up destroying my friendships but do I care? Most times I have no fucks to give. If you're going to annoy me enough to make me angry and stop being friends with you, then do you think I care at all? Not really.

I just have a lot of things that I don't like and I am very annoyed right now. People can just go die. What irks me the most is when people aren't appreciative of me. If I go through the effort of doing something extremely nice to you (which I rarely do since I am a pretty bitter person) then you best appreciate it. You do not go crawling back to the people that hurt you because that is the last straw.

If someone basically rejects my act of niceness and completely blows me off for someone else, especially someone I hate, then everything is ruin. There is VERY little chance that this is just an angry mood of mine and that I'll get over it. I will not. I am the type of person that holds grudges. I will not forget. I will let the one little thing dig into my brain and fester. Then the more times you do things that annoy me, the more hatred I will have towards you. Thinking about this makes me super angry and want to punch a wall. People should just learn how to be normal human beings instead of the cruel monsters they are.

Don't get me wrong, I know I have my fair share of fault (just read through my blog and you'll find all of them) but at least I know what's wrong from right most times. Most people don't even know that and I am sitting here and just hating on them wishing they would just fail at life already. It is these people that make me angry, depressed, suicidal because I don't even want to deal with them anymore.

I would give anything to transfer into a different family. I would give anything to reverse time and make sure that my second and third sisters were NEVER born. I would give anything to have them out of my life. Why wish when I could escape from them? From all the pressures of society? From life itself? After all, sometimes I feel like what's the point?

Frankly, I don't care about how my death would affect people because I don't care about people. I know there is one, two, maybe three people who would truly and completely be torn apart because of my death, but the rest? There will be a lot of people who don't care. There will be a lot of people who will pretend like the knew the "real" me. There will be those people who will put on a show because they are suppose to care even though they don't. And then there are the people who will feel guilty.

If I were to ever kill myself, which I do think about occasionally (I just don't have the guts to do it.... Wimpy me), I would make sure that the blame gets placed. I would make sure that the people who have caused me all of this suffering and pain know that it was them who did it. That my death is in their hands. And I pray to god that they will suffer for the rest of their lives with guilt. That is one of the best things that would result from my death. People learning that they are horrible monsters and suffering from my death for the rest of their lives.

You see, hate is not a very good thing to harbor inside of you, but it's the only thing I know how to do with hate.

SCREW EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING

The anger is pretty uncontrollable and I hate it. I hate everything. I hate everyone. I hate myself. I hate all the memories and everything that has to do with you. Please just get out of my mind. Please? PLEASE?

I am beyond frustrated with myself. BEYOND frustrated. Sometimes, I wish I could escape myself.



Sorry for the little rant. Just so many pent up emotions right now.


Nobody touch me and leave me alone to wallow in my despair.