I went into this, planning to write a really depressing sort of blog post (as i normally do) but that is quite impossible now after watching something completely adorable. So instead, i will talk about how strange i am.
I am a really weird person. Ask my friends, they will confirm this (but i'm not going to give you my friends' names so if you really do want to ask, you must get my identity first, which will probably never be revealed). I will probably be one of the weirdest person you will ever meet. I'm like not bipolar but like infinitypolar. I have so many different moods and they all change constantly. My moods are also extreme. Like if i'm mad, i'll be extremely mad. If i'm sad, i'll be extremely sad. There is rarely any in between. Even when i have no mood, i will literally not have a mood. It's really weird and really hard for people to actually deal with this. I mean, what kind of person would want to be friends with someone who is just constant change. You have no idea what to expect from me, no idea at all.
I know i'm insane. I can't help it. I'm extremely awkward and i have secret personalities. You know, i want to slut it up one day and just see what people think. In my mind, i can be several things. I actually think i have an extremely slutty side in my mind that i'm like forcing to stay hidden or something. I'm a dancer in my mind, even though i don't think i'm actually that good. If only i had dance classes as a child. I love dance. I'm also a cheerleader in my mind. Dancing and cheerleading, that's probably the cause of my whole slutty side. But anyway. I'm super insecure but weird at the same time. I'm insecure in the sense that i compare myself to everything and i hate it. I'll never be thin enough (which is supposedly stupid because everyone says i'm thin). In my mind, i'm not thin enough. That makes me sound sort of anorexic but i'm not. Believe me, i'm not. I love food so much. I'm not bulimic either. I have no eating disorder. I'm just an almost 5 ft 7 in girl who weights more than i should (this is in my mind ok?). I'll never be good enough. I'll always think that i'm extremely easily replaced. This also doesn't fit with me being weird because i also don't care what other people think sometimes. I'm extremely weird. I act weird when i'm with my friends, even with people i don't know but i don't care. If they think i'm weird, they think i'm weird. I already know that and now they do too. I guess i'm just full of contradictions. My whole mind doesn't make sense, even to me. I'm supposed to understand myself but i don't. I don't think that i will ever understand myself. I'm discovering new things about myself all the time. Who know, in a few years i could be completely normal (er, society's idea of normal) but that would just be boring. (thinking back.... i'm wondering why i'm calling myself a slut.... I'm sorry i'm random)
UGH! This is exactly why i don't post things unless i'm emotionally charged. I tend to not finish. Like ever. so i'm just going to post this in hopes that it satisfies whatever it satisfies.
HE IS MINE. I'M THE ONLY THING ON HIS MIND. HE THINKS ABOUT ME ALL THE TIME......... (guess where that's from? I'm listening to it now)
Saturday, February 4, 2012
Friday, December 2, 2011
Untitled
(It's untitled because i want it to be untitled (<--- i am lazy...) written 10/3/11
What shall I say today? Hmmm, I've decided not to post during the weekends because I always forget to. I'm on tumblr all the time and I guess I don't really think of doing these during the weekend. Sometimes I do write durin the weekend when something that makes me feel happen. I don't post those though. I never remember to post on the weekend. Well what happened this weekend. I found a new drama that is going to allow me to write new posts. It makes me feel so much, the drama. I'm glad it doesn't remind me of anything though. By that I mean someone. I'm like addicted to it. This weekend I watched like eleven hour long episodes. So I spent 11 hours of my life, weekend, watching this. Everything in it happened so fast. 9 episode of it happened over the Spanish of nine months. Then it skipped ahead three years. There are 55 episodes. What more could possibly happen. Although, the love interests didn't start falling in love after the baby. Yes, I do say baby. I guess this is enoug for now. I really don't know what else to write at this point. I don't really like typing things out unless I have to release some built up energy and feelings. If you look back, almost all my posts are because I come up with a subject and get super fired up about it. I don't like writing posts where I just write about my day or something (I know, I did those near the beginning, if you looked back far enough, but those were when I was a happier girl. A naive girl.......)
What shall I say today? Hmmm, I've decided not to post during the weekends because I always forget to. I'm on tumblr all the time and I guess I don't really think of doing these during the weekend. Sometimes I do write durin the weekend when something that makes me feel happen. I don't post those though. I never remember to post on the weekend. Well what happened this weekend. I found a new drama that is going to allow me to write new posts. It makes me feel so much, the drama. I'm glad it doesn't remind me of anything though. By that I mean someone. I'm like addicted to it. This weekend I watched like eleven hour long episodes. So I spent 11 hours of my life, weekend, watching this. Everything in it happened so fast. 9 episode of it happened over the Spanish of nine months. Then it skipped ahead three years. There are 55 episodes. What more could possibly happen. Although, the love interests didn't start falling in love after the baby. Yes, I do say baby. I guess this is enoug for now. I really don't know what else to write at this point. I don't really like typing things out unless I have to release some built up energy and feelings. If you look back, almost all my posts are because I come up with a subject and get super fired up about it. I don't like writing posts where I just write about my day or something (I know, I did those near the beginning, if you looked back far enough, but those were when I was a happier girl. A naive girl.......)
Saturday, November 19, 2011
I'm just a shy person
I'm a person who is painfully shy. It's extreme. Extremely extreme. I feel like i have another person trapped inside of me. A person who's spontaneous and extremely outgoing, but she never comes out. The person i am on the outside is an outsider. A freak. gosh, this is so hard to write. It is so hard to write about myself because there are so many things i'm not, but want to be. You know that feeling? The feeling that i was supposed to me more than who i was? the feeling of being another person on the inside?
Well, i have two personalities. Possibly three. There is the person i am at school, the person i am with my friends, and the person i am in my mind. Today, i'll explain my school person. The person i am at school is the extremely shy person. The person i am at school is the quiet girl who never speaks. I'm not overly smart, although some would say that i am. I'm not confident. I walk through the halls with my head down. I'm the girl who never does anything daring. I'm the girl who doesn't want to embarrass herself. I'm the girl who rarely does anything besides read, sit quietly, and sometimes laugh and smile. I went through elementary like a regular elementary student, but that was before all the hormones. As an elementary student, i was still shy but i had an easier time talking because the kids were little and didn't care about much. I wasn't bullied or anything. I was just me. When i went to middle school, everything changed. Maybe it was because it was so different. Maybe it was just something that messed with my mind. Maybe it was supposed to happen how it did. Maybe, just maybe. I went through 6th grade not talking. I never talked in class. I just went from class to class. I rarely smiled. I fast walked through the hallways. I did everything i could to avoid people. I hated people touching me, even in the halls. I felt trapped. I didn't have any friends. My one friend from elementary was in the other core so i had no friends. I sat with people at lunch, but i never made conversation with them. I avoided people as much as possible. I got extremely nervous when the teacher called on me in class. I get extremely embarrassed and nervous whenever i bumped into someone or had an interaction with someone, even in group work. It was really really sad. I hated who i was. I hated who i was but i couldn't change it. I couldn't change it. I was so scared of change. I took my escape in books. I was a nerd, a geek.
Seventh grade wasn't much better. I actually cried. I cried in the cafeteria. I think at that moment, i vowed i would never show people my sad emotions. I sat there by myself, at a table, and cried to myself. I tried to hide it. I tried to hide it from the people who were sitting at the next table over, but i think they saw me. I hated it. I think i subconsciously vowed to myself that i would not let anyone know whenever i was sad. I would not let anyone know. I would keep it inside of me. I would keep it inside of me and never let it out.
Eighth grade was better. I gained more friends. I was less shy. I was still the geek and nerd. I would never be considered the popular person. I would never be considered the fun outgoing person. I was never loud enough to be voted anything. I was still the shy girl. I was still the person who rarely smiled in class. I was the person who blended in the background and didn't catch the attention of anyone. I was such a sad excuse for a person.
Ninth grade came. So did tenth. I was the same person as in eighth grade. There were those classes that i NEVER said anything in. I still had those classes. The classes where i did not have one friend in, i hated. I hated all the people. I've developed an interesting reaction to people. I hate being accidentally touched in the hallways. I scrunch my arms close to my body when i'm walking alone, hoping i won't bump into anyone. I'm still doing that. I'm still so worried. I'm still nervous. I'm still a person who is incredibly embarrassed whenever i accidentally run into someone. I'm also extremely embarrassed when i walk past a guy. I hate this about myself. I hate how submissive i am. I'm not assertive. I let everything slide. I do a lot of the work with groups. I am just a weak stupid person ok? I hate myself. I hate this physical shell of myself, hiding the person i really want to be. I regret so many things. You know those things that i mentioned in my other post? Yea, i regret so many things. It's way too late to change it now. I SUCK AS A PERSON.
Well, i have two personalities. Possibly three. There is the person i am at school, the person i am with my friends, and the person i am in my mind. Today, i'll explain my school person. The person i am at school is the extremely shy person. The person i am at school is the quiet girl who never speaks. I'm not overly smart, although some would say that i am. I'm not confident. I walk through the halls with my head down. I'm the girl who never does anything daring. I'm the girl who doesn't want to embarrass herself. I'm the girl who rarely does anything besides read, sit quietly, and sometimes laugh and smile. I went through elementary like a regular elementary student, but that was before all the hormones. As an elementary student, i was still shy but i had an easier time talking because the kids were little and didn't care about much. I wasn't bullied or anything. I was just me. When i went to middle school, everything changed. Maybe it was because it was so different. Maybe it was just something that messed with my mind. Maybe it was supposed to happen how it did. Maybe, just maybe. I went through 6th grade not talking. I never talked in class. I just went from class to class. I rarely smiled. I fast walked through the hallways. I did everything i could to avoid people. I hated people touching me, even in the halls. I felt trapped. I didn't have any friends. My one friend from elementary was in the other core so i had no friends. I sat with people at lunch, but i never made conversation with them. I avoided people as much as possible. I got extremely nervous when the teacher called on me in class. I get extremely embarrassed and nervous whenever i bumped into someone or had an interaction with someone, even in group work. It was really really sad. I hated who i was. I hated who i was but i couldn't change it. I couldn't change it. I was so scared of change. I took my escape in books. I was a nerd, a geek.
Seventh grade wasn't much better. I actually cried. I cried in the cafeteria. I think at that moment, i vowed i would never show people my sad emotions. I sat there by myself, at a table, and cried to myself. I tried to hide it. I tried to hide it from the people who were sitting at the next table over, but i think they saw me. I hated it. I think i subconsciously vowed to myself that i would not let anyone know whenever i was sad. I would not let anyone know. I would keep it inside of me. I would keep it inside of me and never let it out.
Eighth grade was better. I gained more friends. I was less shy. I was still the geek and nerd. I would never be considered the popular person. I would never be considered the fun outgoing person. I was never loud enough to be voted anything. I was still the shy girl. I was still the person who rarely smiled in class. I was the person who blended in the background and didn't catch the attention of anyone. I was such a sad excuse for a person.
Ninth grade came. So did tenth. I was the same person as in eighth grade. There were those classes that i NEVER said anything in. I still had those classes. The classes where i did not have one friend in, i hated. I hated all the people. I've developed an interesting reaction to people. I hate being accidentally touched in the hallways. I scrunch my arms close to my body when i'm walking alone, hoping i won't bump into anyone. I'm still doing that. I'm still so worried. I'm still nervous. I'm still a person who is incredibly embarrassed whenever i accidentally run into someone. I'm also extremely embarrassed when i walk past a guy. I hate this about myself. I hate how submissive i am. I'm not assertive. I let everything slide. I do a lot of the work with groups. I am just a weak stupid person ok? I hate myself. I hate this physical shell of myself, hiding the person i really want to be. I regret so many things. You know those things that i mentioned in my other post? Yea, i regret so many things. It's way too late to change it now. I SUCK AS A PERSON.
Monday, October 24, 2011
Some people
*sigh* I'm really bad at updating..... oh well...... this was written SO long ago
Some people are manipulative. Yes, that's right. Some people don't deserve to live because they cause so much pain to others. Some people should think through what they're saying and what they do because some day, you never know who will be after you because you tortured them throughout their life. There are many people who fit into this category. There are some people that karma needs to beat with a freaking mallet. Some people deserve to much more than that. People who are manipulative, always doing things for the good of themselves are stupid. I know everyone is hypocritical, but there are some people who are just all hypocrite. Every. Single. Word. they said is the opposite of what they actually do. I know one of these people. We'll call her A. A is stupid. A knows she's stupid. A likes to argue. A needs to get an ass whooping because she's a bitch ok? A just needs to get whatever she deserves from Karma. A likes to yell at people. She likes to bitch about everything to everyone. She's manipulative and always gets her way. When someone else gets their way, she'll complain to NO end and force people to do things for her to make up for it. A starts arguments for absolutely no reason at all. She's stupid and complains about the littlest things. Apparently A has good hearing. FACT. She doesn't. She says one thing and then later, she'll say that she never said that. She makes the person she's talking to feel like a freaking loser. She's the person who isn't happy unless others are miserable. She's the person who would bully a person to commit suicide. (Personal experience, caused me to hurt myself and now i'm scarred).
I actually feel bad for A. She has NO true friends because her personallity sucks. Her mouth runs on and on and on and tells people, even her friends, when they do things she doesn't like. For example, her friend gives her hugs everyday. A tells her friend that she doesn't like her friend's hugs and tells her to stop or she won't hang out with her anymore. A is the freaking demon from hell ok? When she dies, she'll probably rule all the demons. You think i'm exaggerating about this A person? Well i'm not. I'm so not. I'm not being harsh, i'm being honest. I'm telling the truth about A because she bothers me SO much. I actually wouldn't care if A died. People say i will, that i'm being way too harsh, but I don't. I don't give a fuck if A dies. My life, my grandmother's life, my parents' lives would be so much easier without A being alive. What i really hate is when A yells at older people. So disrespectful. Talks back 24 hours, 7 days a week. Right now, writing this, she's yelling at a person. She's yelling at a person right this instant. How stupid is that. It's like her mind is on an endless loop of yelling at people. Some day, she'll meet a person that'll get their revenge. I hope she meets that person. I hope she gets mugged on the streets. I won't feel bad for her. I would laugh at the justice that A deserved.
And what else, A won't ever get married. She won't freaking find a man who will put up with her shit. Her manipulative shit. If she met a guy, and stayed with him, then she'd be being fake. She even knows. A even knows that she'll never find a man. She realizes that no one wants her. She tries to pass it off as her not wanting to get married because she's "scared". But whatever. I know she knows the truth. I know she knows she's not as pretty as anyone else. I hope she feels like that every single day of her adulthood. She made me feel like that every single day of my freaking childhood. She's the reason i hate people and confrontation. I've been her little boxing bag and i haven't said a thing to her about it. Maybe that's why i let people walk all over me? Is that possible? She leaves my life and i'll be happy. I'm going to egg and fork and do everything i possibly can to her freaking house when i grow up. I will do everything i possibly can to make her feel like the dumbest person in the world. A has admitted to me several times that she's not as smart as me, that I am WAY smarter than her. Yea, then she goes and turns that around and calls me stupid because of some little thing. She called me stupid today because I just woke up and went to the bathroom and waited for her to leave so i can pee. I was just standing there waiting and she freaking called me stupid because i was waiting. Yea, I'm an idiot for waiting until she leaves so i can pee.
As you can tell, I swear up a storm when talking about A. She's responsible for me swearing in my mind. I can't control what I type once i start typing. A is a dumb bitch. One day, karma will kick her ass and keep kicking it because she deserves EVERYTHING that's coming to her. I hope she gets it soon. I hope she fucking gets what she deserves soon.
Some people are manipulative. Yes, that's right. Some people don't deserve to live because they cause so much pain to others. Some people should think through what they're saying and what they do because some day, you never know who will be after you because you tortured them throughout their life. There are many people who fit into this category. There are some people that karma needs to beat with a freaking mallet. Some people deserve to much more than that. People who are manipulative, always doing things for the good of themselves are stupid. I know everyone is hypocritical, but there are some people who are just all hypocrite. Every. Single. Word. they said is the opposite of what they actually do. I know one of these people. We'll call her A. A is stupid. A knows she's stupid. A likes to argue. A needs to get an ass whooping because she's a bitch ok? A just needs to get whatever she deserves from Karma. A likes to yell at people. She likes to bitch about everything to everyone. She's manipulative and always gets her way. When someone else gets their way, she'll complain to NO end and force people to do things for her to make up for it. A starts arguments for absolutely no reason at all. She's stupid and complains about the littlest things. Apparently A has good hearing. FACT. She doesn't. She says one thing and then later, she'll say that she never said that. She makes the person she's talking to feel like a freaking loser. She's the person who isn't happy unless others are miserable. She's the person who would bully a person to commit suicide. (Personal experience, caused me to hurt myself and now i'm scarred).
I actually feel bad for A. She has NO true friends because her personallity sucks. Her mouth runs on and on and on and tells people, even her friends, when they do things she doesn't like. For example, her friend gives her hugs everyday. A tells her friend that she doesn't like her friend's hugs and tells her to stop or she won't hang out with her anymore. A is the freaking demon from hell ok? When she dies, she'll probably rule all the demons. You think i'm exaggerating about this A person? Well i'm not. I'm so not. I'm not being harsh, i'm being honest. I'm telling the truth about A because she bothers me SO much. I actually wouldn't care if A died. People say i will, that i'm being way too harsh, but I don't. I don't give a fuck if A dies. My life, my grandmother's life, my parents' lives would be so much easier without A being alive. What i really hate is when A yells at older people. So disrespectful. Talks back 24 hours, 7 days a week. Right now, writing this, she's yelling at a person. She's yelling at a person right this instant. How stupid is that. It's like her mind is on an endless loop of yelling at people. Some day, she'll meet a person that'll get their revenge. I hope she meets that person. I hope she gets mugged on the streets. I won't feel bad for her. I would laugh at the justice that A deserved.
And what else, A won't ever get married. She won't freaking find a man who will put up with her shit. Her manipulative shit. If she met a guy, and stayed with him, then she'd be being fake. She even knows. A even knows that she'll never find a man. She realizes that no one wants her. She tries to pass it off as her not wanting to get married because she's "scared". But whatever. I know she knows the truth. I know she knows she's not as pretty as anyone else. I hope she feels like that every single day of her adulthood. She made me feel like that every single day of my freaking childhood. She's the reason i hate people and confrontation. I've been her little boxing bag and i haven't said a thing to her about it. Maybe that's why i let people walk all over me? Is that possible? She leaves my life and i'll be happy. I'm going to egg and fork and do everything i possibly can to her freaking house when i grow up. I will do everything i possibly can to make her feel like the dumbest person in the world. A has admitted to me several times that she's not as smart as me, that I am WAY smarter than her. Yea, then she goes and turns that around and calls me stupid because of some little thing. She called me stupid today because I just woke up and went to the bathroom and waited for her to leave so i can pee. I was just standing there waiting and she freaking called me stupid because i was waiting. Yea, I'm an idiot for waiting until she leaves so i can pee.
As you can tell, I swear up a storm when talking about A. She's responsible for me swearing in my mind. I can't control what I type once i start typing. A is a dumb bitch. One day, karma will kick her ass and keep kicking it because she deserves EVERYTHING that's coming to her. I hope she gets it soon. I hope she fucking gets what she deserves soon.
Wednesday, October 5, 2011
memories
I hate the memories. All of them, especially the good. I can't accept that they are over. Right now, as I sit and write this my eyes are hot, like they're burning my eyelids. I hate remembering the memories. I do a pretty good job of blocking them out. Sometimes they just flood me. Sometimes they just overtake every single thought in my mind so that the only thing I can focus on is how much I miss him. Isn't that sad? Isn't it sad that while I think about him every single day, think about missing everythin we had, he's out there making new memories with some other girl. I guess it's ok to think about the memories. People say that it's ok to think about them. It isn't ok that I get so sad and depressed whenever I think about the memories. It isn't ok that these memories affect me so freaking much. It isn't ok. It isn't fair, but life isn't fair. I know that it isn't. I guess I just have to live with the pain of loving someone I can't have. Loving someone who does't love me hurts. It hurts like no pain that I have ever experienced before. I really hate the memories, but at the same time I love them. I love what they remind me of, all the great times that we had, all the conversations, they run through my head. I hate how they make me feel. They make me feel a longing, an ache in my heart. I just want to know what made him do it. Some day, when I'm ready, I'll write him a letter. A letter as random as an elephant on the moon. In that letter I'll tell him everything. I'm not writing this letter until I learn to move on from him and all the happiness he brought me. I'll write this letter when I'm good and ready. I'll write this letter and never send it. I'll write this letter and post it. I'll write this letter in remembrance of Jim. Maybe, one day, I'll be able to think of him and not feel the things I'm feeling now. One day, that will happen...... One day it will. That's all I can hope for right now, one day I will.......
Tuesday, October 4, 2011
Fake it until you make it
I have never gotten that phrase. I mean, people want you to be fake? If all people listened to this "advice" how could people tell the real people apart from the Barbies and Kens? Not everyone is perfect. A person should not be fake at all. Of course, that is easier said than done. I mean, people should not act fake at all just to "get further" in life. Really, those people aren't getting further in life at all. If a person lies and embellishes their resume (we all do it sometimes right?) and gets hired then that person may have gotten "further" but would they be happy? Wouldn't they be guilty that their job started off on lies? Would they be happy that they deceived their boss? Why would a person want to be fake? I happen to find that this happens a lot in high school.
I know with peer pressure and everything, people be fake to blend in with the crowd. Who wants to blend in? Why not be different? When people are mostly loud, why not be the quiet one? Why hid behind another image of yourself? That never gives the real you a chance to shine. It never lets people know who you really are. How can you expect to find the real friends that aren't fake also? Fake people don't have real friends. They have backstabbing, equally fake friends. Those aren't friends. They're more like enemies. Fake friends aren't really there for you when you need them. What is the point of being fake? What is the point of being fake especially in relationships and friendships? There is no point. I dare you. Come up with an extremely bullet hole, loop hole reason why someone would want to be a fake person? If people just stop judging, then maybe those fake people don't have to be fake anymore. Maybe they can just be their normal selves. I have to admit, sometimes i feel like a fake person, like i'm putting on an act. I feel like this during school. I'm such a quiet person. It's in my nature, but sometimes, i feel that i'm putting on that act. If you're my real friend, you would know sometimes i'm anything but quiet. I have such a loud personality that it scares people when i let it show. I don't know, it's just me. I'm just me. It's not my fault that i happen to be an extremely shy loud person. I'm just a walking contradiction. I've always been a walking contradiction. I may be loud, quiet, crazy, amazing, stupid, depressing, everything but some people still love me for me. My friends do. The people who truly know me accept me for who I am. *note, off topic ranting that i always put about some specific person* I guess you never did. Maybe you lied to yourself that you loved me for me. If you did, then where are you now? Where are you when i needed you the most? Where were you yesterday when i was crying my eyes out? You were there before through my family problems. I trusted you as a friend before you were my boyfriend. Where the heck is that now? Where the heck is our friendship? You can still be friends with one of your ex ( i was absolutely fine with it) and you can't be friend with me? WHY? Why can't you care and try? Am i the only one who thinks these things? Am i the only one who cared at all in our relationship to miss one of my best friends? What is wrong with you? Just because you have a new girlfriend you think you can forget about me? about a girl who trusted you? You must look like a nice guy to all your other friends who are girls, but from my point of view, you are a jerk. A jerk who i love, but still a jerk. An absolute jerk.
I know with peer pressure and everything, people be fake to blend in with the crowd. Who wants to blend in? Why not be different? When people are mostly loud, why not be the quiet one? Why hid behind another image of yourself? That never gives the real you a chance to shine. It never lets people know who you really are. How can you expect to find the real friends that aren't fake also? Fake people don't have real friends. They have backstabbing, equally fake friends. Those aren't friends. They're more like enemies. Fake friends aren't really there for you when you need them. What is the point of being fake? What is the point of being fake especially in relationships and friendships? There is no point. I dare you. Come up with an extremely bullet hole, loop hole reason why someone would want to be a fake person? If people just stop judging, then maybe those fake people don't have to be fake anymore. Maybe they can just be their normal selves. I have to admit, sometimes i feel like a fake person, like i'm putting on an act. I feel like this during school. I'm such a quiet person. It's in my nature, but sometimes, i feel that i'm putting on that act. If you're my real friend, you would know sometimes i'm anything but quiet. I have such a loud personality that it scares people when i let it show. I don't know, it's just me. I'm just me. It's not my fault that i happen to be an extremely shy loud person. I'm just a walking contradiction. I've always been a walking contradiction. I may be loud, quiet, crazy, amazing, stupid, depressing, everything but some people still love me for me. My friends do. The people who truly know me accept me for who I am. *note, off topic ranting that i always put about some specific person* I guess you never did. Maybe you lied to yourself that you loved me for me. If you did, then where are you now? Where are you when i needed you the most? Where were you yesterday when i was crying my eyes out? You were there before through my family problems. I trusted you as a friend before you were my boyfriend. Where the heck is that now? Where the heck is our friendship? You can still be friends with one of your ex ( i was absolutely fine with it) and you can't be friend with me? WHY? Why can't you care and try? Am i the only one who thinks these things? Am i the only one who cared at all in our relationship to miss one of my best friends? What is wrong with you? Just because you have a new girlfriend you think you can forget about me? about a girl who trusted you? You must look like a nice guy to all your other friends who are girls, but from my point of view, you are a jerk. A jerk who i love, but still a jerk. An absolute jerk.
Monday, October 3, 2011
regrets
I have so many regrets in my life. SO MANY REGRETS. I've always wanted to try things. I've always wanted to be involved in things like cheer or POMs. I've always wanted to be the girly girl that gets to wear a cheer leading uniform. I've always wanted to do things like that but things hold me back. Mostly it's my parents. They demand so much out of me academically that i'm afraid if i take on something else, it'll ruin my academics. I want to do tennis so bad. I want to do tennis, but i don't because i think it'll take way too much time. I wanted to do band. I wanted to learn to play an instrument but i was so discouraged because my parents never encouraged me in any area besides academics (and even that was encouraged with threats). I'm also a quiet person. My parents never socialized me that much. They didn't even try and now they make fun of me and blame me for my shyness. Stupid. If i could turn back the time and fix one of my regrets, i would chose to fix the fact that i did not join poms. I love their performances. I want to be down there cheering with them. I want to be able to learn routines and such. I regret not joining so much. There will always be regrets in my life, always. But the things i regret the most at the moment is not taking high school opportunities. I wanted to do theater. I wanted to, but i was too shy to try out, too shy to do anything. I want to get rid of this shyness. I want to be able to talk to people like a normal person, a normal person who flirts with guys and does everything a girl does. I don't want to be this social reject who's a freaking nerd. I want to re create myself when i go to college. I hope i can change my ways and grow to be a better person.
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