September 23rd

and you know it. you know it damn well. why would you leave me? you know I didnt give a shit about them, you are my world and still are you fucking asshole. ARE YOU BLIND? why do you have to make me feel like shit and not look at me everytime I pass by you. why you gotta act like I dont even exist. did I mean that little to you? am I that easy to forget? …i love you. I cant fucking handle this.

(above) from a tumblr post that someone posted but expressed how i felt)

(and did you have to find another girl in a month. A FREAKING MONTH. Was i worth so little to you that you forgot me that quickly? You said you loved me. Obviously you lied. It only took you a month to meet another girl, talk to her, as her out. How is that even possible? Why did you freaking tell me the truth? Why didn't you freaking give me a better reason than "i'm tired of being in a relationship". Took you a month, probably less to get over that? And why did you get over it to be with another girl? You said you weren't tired of me, you were tired of the relationship. YOU LIED to me. How could you have loved me? How could this have happened when i saw you cry. You saw me cry. We shared everything. What is wrong with me that made you stop? Or did you even love me at all? Did you even care for me? Was it all a lie? Were you really cheating on me?? Why would you freaking leave me wondering? You aren't worth anything. You aren't worth anything and yet i still love you. My heart can't understand your lies. It just understands my feelings. My feelings for you were real. They were real and you threw them away. You threw them away to be with some other girl. Some other girl who is new and exciting. I hope you get tired of her too. Better yet, i hope that she gets freaking tired of you and hurts you like you hurt me so you would understand better. Understand what you made me feel. But i don't really wish that. Why would i wish my pain on someone that i love? Because i want you to feel what you are doing to me. Today would have been our 17th monthaversary. We lasted over 15 months. Over 15 months of me loving you and you blew it all away in a month. You freaking jerk. But i still love you....)

parenting?

What is up with dumb people who expect so much from their children? What is up with stupid, ignorant people who are saying hypocritical things every single freaking day? What is up with parents yelling at their kids so much that they cry? I read an article that said a girl started fires to try and kill her family. I totally understand that. Some people might be appealed, but with the freaking pressure that parents give their kids these days, it's so freaking understandable, at least to me. Ignorant parents who expect their children to do well are so stupid. So stupid. This pressure is what causes some teens to hurt themselves, to get away from the pressure. Those parents that expect so much, that force their kids into doing things are the parents that know NOTHING about their child. Knows nothing about what their child likes or interests. These parents raise kids that hate them, that want to kill their parents for all the stress that is thrust against them. Teens aren't strong. They break down. Stupid and ignorant parents don't understand that. They think their kids owe them something for raising them. They threaten to throw their children on the streets. Yea, try that. It's called child abuse and abandonment. Try it one day and the police will arrest them. Parents who uses threats such as violence or kicking them out should obviously not be a freaking parent. WHAT KIND OF DUMB PARENTS threaten their kids? People who should die, that's who. People who abuse their children should die a horrible death. Do they know that their abuse and pressure cause their children harm. These stupid and ignorant parents could be raising a serial killer. A baby is not a serial killer by fate ok? It's the dumb parents that make them that way. It's the parents that don't understand anything. That don't understand anything about their child. I freaking hate my parents. They have their good moments, but the bad always are horrible. The bad outweigh their good moments. They're bad parents. Maybe someday i'll be a serial killer. You never know. They're dumb and ignorant and expect way to much from me. I'm not their good little girl who will do every single thing they want. If they want that child, they should have bought a robot. I will go out when i want. They can't keep me in my room forever. Find, kick me out. I'll go straight to the police and tell them all the things, all the emotional abuse that my parents put me through. Things that probably damaged my mind. It's all their fault. All their fault i would rather run away than live with them sometimes. The only reason i'm still here is because of my future. I will go to college. Move away and never see their faces again. I will not allow my children to see their grandmother because she ruined my life. Ruined my life. I don't give a crap that she raised me. How did she raise me? She didn't freaking raise me. My grandmother did. Once my grandmother dies, i'll be devastated. My grandmother is a way better mother than my mom. I learned this behavior from her. She should know that. She's a freaking rude ass person to my grandmother. I can't take it. I can't see her treating my grandmother like how she does. I don't even consider her my mother most of the time. She's a horrible parent. My father is ok, he's just never there. He does what my mom wants him to do. Mom is a hypocrite. A hypocrite who is dumb and ignorant.



Strict parents raise rebellious children.

Work

I'm beginning to regret taking on a job. I like work and all, but my scheduling is so irregular. I don't know what to do. I want to do tennis, but someone told me that practice was everyday afterschool. I also have to work Saturday. That's like a prime time! I don't want to work when it's super busy.... I'm so scared to actually work during a busy day. I can barely handle a semi busy day. Oh, plus another thing with tennis. If I do it, games are Tuesdays and Thursdays. Sometimes I work Thursdays.... Sometimes i work Tuesday's.... Well I only worked one Tuesday and it was pretty slow... But I'm scared to say I can't work because I'm going to be doing tennis. I don't like confrontation. I'm scared if the manager and boss. I think I'm working with the boss today (Thursday) and I'm so freaking scared that I'll get fired! So freaking scared!!! Ugh! Hate this. So much stress. But I can't quit after working for like 5 days...

Girls are simple..........

Sometimes. I have to agree with some people. Girls are complicated. GIRLS ARE SO COMPLICATED. but sometimes, girls are simple. Most girls just want to feel loved. That includes a lot of different things, but still. Not a lot of girls are hard to figure out. Just love her and don't hang out with other girls. Be romantic and make her feel special. That's basically it all summed up. If the girl isn't happy, the guy isn't going to be very happy either (Ain't that right sista? <---- failed gangsta attempt). Personally, I'm a lot more complicated than regular girls. That's my personal opinion. I'm pretty sure that my mind is like messed up. I can be bipolar sometimes. I'm also very childish, but i guess that can be cute sometimes? Yeah, or really annoying.

Well, with my personality, when i find someone who wants to be with me despite everything that i am (Crazy, hyper, sad, very depressed, happy, emotional, screamy, bitchy sometimes, blahy, everything) then i guess it'll be good (thought i had that, but guess not...) Someday, I'll learn to love again. I'll find someone else who will love every single part of me. Every single detail of my existence. Maybe i'm just not ready to find him yet. I mean, i'm still an extremely shy person. I don't interact with guys very much. I guess i need to learn how to break out of my shell and experience life. I experienced life with someone. Someone i miss dearly. Someone i miss, but doesn't miss me. Now that's not fair is it? But life isn't fair. It's pretty darn hard ok? Nothing is going to come all wrapped up in pretty pink wrapping paper with a pretty purple bow on top. You have to survive through it all. Maybe i'm meant to survive through this.... or maybe i'm meant to go running back to him at the first sign of when he wants me. I don't know. I don't know what to do. That's why girls are complicated. It's because they think WAY too much. maybe i should just let my heart guide me.... But right now, my heart is guiding me to him. I guess i'll just hold back. Hold back until he's ready to be mine. If it really isn't meant to be, he won't come back. He won't come back ever and maybe then i'll be ready to move on.... This reminds me of something. Something i said to him a while ago. Something i repeated. Right now, this sounds so stupid. This statement that i said, it makes me pathetic. In my heart, it's perfectly reasonable. I'm sure some people will shout at me when i post this post. This post or a future post about him. About missing him so much it hurts. Man, this post was not supposed to be related to him. This post wasn't supposed to make me cry. This post was supposed to be girls being complicated and simple all in one. WHY CAN'T I STAY ON TOPIC? (i guess that's another part of who i am). Well, i'm leaving now. I might post two posts some days because i write way too much just for one day. Like yesterday, i wrote two. Oh well, maybe i'll keep them in case i can't write one of the days. *sigh* so much frustration.

plans?

I'm not the type of person to make any plans about my future. For example, the only thing I know I want to do after high school is go to college. I don't have any idea what major I'll study or anything after that. It's pretty sad actually. I am so indecisive that it isn't even funny. It's actually quite annoying and can annoy my friends. I just hate making decisions in case I decided wrong or something. I'm always afraid of failing (shall be another post?). My future scares me. Especially now. Before, for the past year, I had a plan. A plan for my future after college. It was the one thing I thought would last (how many times can I talk about this subject? I'm sure I'm saying the same things over and over again but there isn't anything else that propells me to write. I only write when I have emotions. Well I'm chalked full of emotions right now. Bt anyway. For the past year I had plans. Even partial plans for college, relationship wise. I had plans to spend my life with someone I loved (and still do). I had plans, but now they are so very obsolete. I had plans with my friends, but it doesn't look like those will come true. Even with the plans that I had with my friends, I was skeptical. With him, it wasn't like that. I wasn't skeptical at all. It was so much fun to plan out our lives. How many children we'd have, how many pets, where we'll possibly live. It was so much fun! But now where are my plans? They're gone. Even if I find someone else, the plans won't be the same because the guy isn't the same. I know things don't always go out as planned, but I was so certain. So certain that we would end up together, that we would get through anything and everything. I guess he didn't feel the same way. Whatever the reason was that propelled me to hurt him (I will never know?$ must have been a good one (or a selfish, jerky one <---- hoping it was that so I can get over him easier). *sigh* <---- that wad a literal sigh. I just did it. I want some certainty in my life again. I want someone new. I want another guy, but how can I open myself to another guy if my heart doesn't want to? My heart doesn't want to trust, it doesn't want to love and be hurt again.

11:11

To people who know me. Should not read this. It's a total backwards step, like the whole backwards direction here. But i did not write this today, it was like a week ago maybe.... DISREGARD GOSH!

It's 11:11 (when i wrote this) and I wish for the same thing over and over again. It hurts to know he doesn't think about me at all. It hurts that he's happy with another girl after nit even a month after our break up. It freaking hurts like hell. When will I feel ok?? When will I learn to trust again? Why do these questions not have answers? It just hurts so much. I find relied in school... In school for crying out loud. When will someone ever say that school is good? Now. When I'm at school, it still hurts. It hurts but there are people there. I won't cry in front of people. I refuse to. School gives me an excuse to be strong. But once I'm on the bus, typing on my iPod, the tears come so close to flowing, even with people around, they come SO close to flowing. Then I get off the bus. I get off and I want to sit there and break down. But I can't. The tears stay put. I make them stay put until I'm safely in my room. When will this stop? When will I learn to hate him instead of loving him? When will all this ever happen? Will it even happen at all?? Maybe I'm hoping for a miracle that will never come. I can't say I hate him without meaning 'I still love you but you're hurting me'. My love for him will never turn to hate right? I just hate it. I hate how I'm laying here thinking about him every single night and he doesn't even care. He doesn't even realize that he's hurting me on such a big level. He doesn't feel guilty. He probably goes to sleep with a smile on his face because of his new girl. I go to sleep with tears in my eyes. Why is this so unfair? So unfair to me! I won't ever be the same thanks to him. I feel so pathetic. So evil. So sad. So.... Everything but happy (or any word related to happy). You know? He broke my heart into millions of pieces. Millions of pieces. That's not even all. Every single day, he breaks it more, into even smaller pieces. Will my heart ever heal?

Players

Yes, now i'm talking about players. Not the athletic kind of players, (although i may delve into the subject of football players) but the kind of players who play with a girl's heart. I vowed never to fall for a football player. I can't stand how they act and behave. Plus, i'm a really shy person, i wouldn't fit in with his crowd. Thank goodness i did not fall for a football player (although i can't say the same about my friend *shudder* what a mistake that was!). Too bad it was a tennis player that got me. That stole my heart, probably played with it, fed it lies that it believed, and smashed it into a million pieces. Anyway, players really bother me. Those guys (a girl player is a slut right?) that has a girlfriend, and yet they go around hugging other girls. They go around talking to other girls behind the girlfriend's back. I'm not saying that if a guy has a girlfriend, they don't get to have any other girl friends. I'm saying that if the guy is interacting with different girls, he should at least tell his girlfriend. I knew that my ex had a bunch of girls as his friends. I was fine with that, i totally was. But he should tell me if some girl (from like 5th grade) all of the sudden contacts him. That's something i should have known. If he told me, we could have avoided one fight.

An example? Ok, so in my class last year, there was a guy who had a girlfriend. A girlfriend that he liked a lot (i'm not going to say loved because i, personally, don't think that players can truly love a girl (Probably true for my ex) to the extent that she should be loved) and every single day, he would walk into class and hug 3 different girls. It's also obvious that he likes this other girl, who sits near him (I have to watch their freaking interactions (since i was like in the middle) and it was so sickening). Like really, he talks to her everyday. He asks why she doesn't answer the phone when he called her. It made me feel bad for the girlfriend. I hope she knew about this other girl.

Maybe it's just my opinion on people. It's sort of a stereotype for football players. But it's like the freaking truth. They're mostly jerks. BIG FAT JERKS. They're mostly players too. Seriously, major players. Like my friend dated a football player. He was a complete jerk, especially at the end. It was probably the worst mistake ever made. But now she's happy. I'm so glad that her new (ish since it's almost been a year for them) is so much better than the football player. ERG, football players (and players in general) annoy me so much. I know there are a few exceptions. Players can love too, but i'm talking in general here. Guys are jerks, i'm just going to put it as that.

AHHHH!!!!! I'm getting behind! I wasn't able to write any new posts today or yesterday! Need to get crackin on that.....