11:11

To people who know me. Should not read this. It's a total backwards step, like the whole backwards direction here. But i did not write this today, it was like a week ago maybe.... DISREGARD GOSH!

It's 11:11 (when i wrote this) and I wish for the same thing over and over again. It hurts to know he doesn't think about me at all. It hurts that he's happy with another girl after nit even a month after our break up. It freaking hurts like hell. When will I feel ok?? When will I learn to trust again? Why do these questions not have answers? It just hurts so much. I find relied in school... In school for crying out loud. When will someone ever say that school is good? Now. When I'm at school, it still hurts. It hurts but there are people there. I won't cry in front of people. I refuse to. School gives me an excuse to be strong. But once I'm on the bus, typing on my iPod, the tears come so close to flowing, even with people around, they come SO close to flowing. Then I get off the bus. I get off and I want to sit there and break down. But I can't. The tears stay put. I make them stay put until I'm safely in my room. When will this stop? When will I learn to hate him instead of loving him? When will all this ever happen? Will it even happen at all?? Maybe I'm hoping for a miracle that will never come. I can't say I hate him without meaning 'I still love you but you're hurting me'. My love for him will never turn to hate right? I just hate it. I hate how I'm laying here thinking about him every single night and he doesn't even care. He doesn't even realize that he's hurting me on such a big level. He doesn't feel guilty. He probably goes to sleep with a smile on his face because of his new girl. I go to sleep with tears in my eyes. Why is this so unfair? So unfair to me! I won't ever be the same thanks to him. I feel so pathetic. So evil. So sad. So.... Everything but happy (or any word related to happy). You know? He broke my heart into millions of pieces. Millions of pieces. That's not even all. Every single day, he breaks it more, into even smaller pieces. Will my heart ever heal?