Random tumblr post

While scrolling through my dashboard, I came across the post below and completely broke down in almost tears. I don't know why... actually, scratch that. I know exactly why and it's because everything in the post is so completely true that I don't even know what to say. Here is what the post said:

things I can’t imagine

someone having a crush on me
someone randomly seeing me and thinking ‘wow she’s cute’
someone getting happy because I messaged them first
someone thinking about me, in general
someone wondering how I am
someone finding me attractive
someone doing something to try and impress me
someone asking their friend on what to say to me
someone wanting to get to know me




I have always been a very insecure person. I guess that automatically comes with my personality since I am incredibly, painfully shy. This post really shouldn't have affected me in such a significant way, but I guess it made me realize how alone I really feel all at once.

Everything in that post is true. I really can't imagine a person having a crush on me because of how shy I am. I don't talk to a lot of people. I'm extremely socially awkward. I don't know how to flirt, how to be normal when people talk to me. I just don't know how to function like a normal human being.

I can't imagine someone seeing me on the streets and thinking that I am cute or attractive or pretty or beautiful. Sure I have my moments when I feel completely attractive. Most of those happen in my room and late at night when no one else is around. If I saw me in the streets, I wouldn't think that. I have so many body issues that didn't really appear until mid sophomore-early junior year. I don't even know anymore. Sometimes, I think back to when I actually felt pretty or loved and then I realize that people just get tired of me or realize that I am not who they thought I was. I don't know. I just don't feel attractive during the day time, like ever.

I can't imagine someone being happy when I message them first. My friends have their own lives. I don't have a life. Whenever I message my friends, I always feel like I am bothering them. Sometimes, I get a little over zealous with my messages and I can just feel their annoyance seeping through my computer screen. Sometimes, I think that I should just stop trying to talk to my friends and let them come to me but then I realize that they wouldn't. As I said before, they have their own lives and if I don't try to be in it, they wouldn't be my friends. I would be alone if I didn't try because no one cares enough to try and be in my life.

I really can't imagine people thinking about me or wondering how I am ever. Whether it is a guy (which is extremely laughable) or my friends (which is more possible but not likely), I really can't imagine it. As I said before, I know my friends have their own lives and probably never think about how I am. They have their own problems, I guess. I just can't really imagine people thinking about me and whether I am ok or not. This is why I have this blog and my tumblr. What i really cannot imagine is a guy thinking about me. Who would like me enough to even think about me? Not a lot of people.

I can't even imagine someone asking their friends for advice on how to get with me or doing something to impress me. With all my insecurities, how could someone even like me enough to get that far. I don't talk to people so how could my personality entice someone enough to want to be with me? I am not attractive so how can I attract a guy to even want to say hi or ask for my name or something minuscule like that?

Lastly, I can't imagine someone wanting to get to know me. I'm sure there are people out there who want to know what that quiet girl in their class is thinking. There are people who are naturally curious about things like that. But is there someone out there who really wants to get to know ME? Who wants to try and get to know me? Who wants to put in effort and time to even get my attention? I don't think I have ever had that happen, people wanting to get to know me. My first relationship was a fluke. Getting to know me while he was trying to get back with my ex-friend. My next relationship will probably be one of those curious people. The curious people who just want to get to know me, get me to trust them, and then get bored with me and throw me away. After all, I am quite used to that (being thrown away that is).

I am not one to trust very easily. I keep my trust locked tightly in a heavy, stainless steel box and rarely give it out. The thing with trust is people brake it and throw you away and it hurts. There are people that I hate. People that I tolerate. People that I partially trust. People that I trust more than partially. Then there is me. It's going to be very hard for me to ever trust another person completely ever again.

I'm going to be like a feral animal. No one is going to want me because it takes time and patience to gain my affections. Not many people have time and patience. Even less have the ability to make me open up. And even less than that will have the ability to make me love them.

What I wouldn't do for a chance with you.

There is nothing else I want more than to have a chance with you. You, who has become unattainable. I'm going off to college soon. We'll go our separate ways and never see each other again. I just want a chance to be happy for at least a little bit. You know?

It's kind of funny how much I still like you. We've been through a lot, maybe not together but we've been through a lot. I really want to try this thing out but can I ever act on it? No. I am not that type of person. That is why you have to make the move. You have to be brave, but I don't even know if you like me anymore or if you ever did at all.

I wish for us to try this thing out but it probably won't work out. We've tried before, at least being friends but one of us ruined it and it was probably me. *sigh* This is who I am. I am quiet. I will never make the first move. I am shy.

This is me, a girl who like you. Who likes you a lot actually. Who has liked you, a person that she doesn't even know, for a really long time. Who has always wanted to see what it would feel like to be with you but has never actually acted on it. How can I when your presence shoots my nerves and make me a nervous wreck. I can't even talk. You're always at the top of my chat list but I never click your name.

I don't know. Some people may ask how I can like you when I don't even know you anymore. Maybe I just like the idea of you. I know that sounds weird. I may just be insane, but you've always been a presence in my life. You've always been someone I can fall back onto. No matter how much I strayed to other people (and believe me, I have) there is always you that I can always go back to liking.

I don't know. I just don't know what draws me back to saying I like you again and again and again. It's weird. Maybe once we go off to college, I will give up on the idea of you. On the idea of being in a relationship with you because you have no idea how bad I want to try. I want to unravel what makes you you. You're a mystery to me.

I don't know. This is stupid. I'm stupid. Forget that I ever said anything. I'll just go back to admiring from afar and having these sad moments when all I want is you.