Random tumblr post

While scrolling through my dashboard, I came across the post below and completely broke down in almost tears. I don't know why... actually, scratch that. I know exactly why and it's because everything in the post is so completely true that I don't even know what to say. Here is what the post said:

things I can’t imagine

someone having a crush on me
someone randomly seeing me and thinking ‘wow she’s cute’
someone getting happy because I messaged them first
someone thinking about me, in general
someone wondering how I am
someone finding me attractive
someone doing something to try and impress me
someone asking their friend on what to say to me
someone wanting to get to know me




I have always been a very insecure person. I guess that automatically comes with my personality since I am incredibly, painfully shy. This post really shouldn't have affected me in such a significant way, but I guess it made me realize how alone I really feel all at once.

Everything in that post is true. I really can't imagine a person having a crush on me because of how shy I am. I don't talk to a lot of people. I'm extremely socially awkward. I don't know how to flirt, how to be normal when people talk to me. I just don't know how to function like a normal human being.

I can't imagine someone seeing me on the streets and thinking that I am cute or attractive or pretty or beautiful. Sure I have my moments when I feel completely attractive. Most of those happen in my room and late at night when no one else is around. If I saw me in the streets, I wouldn't think that. I have so many body issues that didn't really appear until mid sophomore-early junior year. I don't even know anymore. Sometimes, I think back to when I actually felt pretty or loved and then I realize that people just get tired of me or realize that I am not who they thought I was. I don't know. I just don't feel attractive during the day time, like ever.

I can't imagine someone being happy when I message them first. My friends have their own lives. I don't have a life. Whenever I message my friends, I always feel like I am bothering them. Sometimes, I get a little over zealous with my messages and I can just feel their annoyance seeping through my computer screen. Sometimes, I think that I should just stop trying to talk to my friends and let them come to me but then I realize that they wouldn't. As I said before, they have their own lives and if I don't try to be in it, they wouldn't be my friends. I would be alone if I didn't try because no one cares enough to try and be in my life.

I really can't imagine people thinking about me or wondering how I am ever. Whether it is a guy (which is extremely laughable) or my friends (which is more possible but not likely), I really can't imagine it. As I said before, I know my friends have their own lives and probably never think about how I am. They have their own problems, I guess. I just can't really imagine people thinking about me and whether I am ok or not. This is why I have this blog and my tumblr. What i really cannot imagine is a guy thinking about me. Who would like me enough to even think about me? Not a lot of people.

I can't even imagine someone asking their friends for advice on how to get with me or doing something to impress me. With all my insecurities, how could someone even like me enough to get that far. I don't talk to people so how could my personality entice someone enough to want to be with me? I am not attractive so how can I attract a guy to even want to say hi or ask for my name or something minuscule like that?

Lastly, I can't imagine someone wanting to get to know me. I'm sure there are people out there who want to know what that quiet girl in their class is thinking. There are people who are naturally curious about things like that. But is there someone out there who really wants to get to know ME? Who wants to try and get to know me? Who wants to put in effort and time to even get my attention? I don't think I have ever had that happen, people wanting to get to know me. My first relationship was a fluke. Getting to know me while he was trying to get back with my ex-friend. My next relationship will probably be one of those curious people. The curious people who just want to get to know me, get me to trust them, and then get bored with me and throw me away. After all, I am quite used to that (being thrown away that is).

I am not one to trust very easily. I keep my trust locked tightly in a heavy, stainless steel box and rarely give it out. The thing with trust is people brake it and throw you away and it hurts. There are people that I hate. People that I tolerate. People that I partially trust. People that I trust more than partially. Then there is me. It's going to be very hard for me to ever trust another person completely ever again.

I'm going to be like a feral animal. No one is going to want me because it takes time and patience to gain my affections. Not many people have time and patience. Even less have the ability to make me open up. And even less than that will have the ability to make me love them.

Not Very Many People Understand Me

Yup, there are very few people in this world that understands how to deal with me as a person. My mom is probably the person who understands the least about me.

One, if you yell at me I shut down, block you out, and get angry. That's basically all my mom does. She yells and yells and yells. She yells so much that I drown her out when she does. I don't listen. I hate people who yell at me. Is it hard to just sit down with me and talk like a normal person? Is it really that hard to have a conversation with me instead of yelling at me and telling me that I am lazy for not doing anything for you? No, it's not and maybe if my mom was more of a decent human being then maybe I would actually want to visit her when I am an adult.

Two, I hate it when people have double standards. It annoys the crap out of me. It's ok to have shifts in opinion and not everybody gets treated the same but is it really that hard to punish your children with the same punishments? I am the good child. I don't drink. I rarely go out. I don't do drugs. I get really good grades. But why? Why I ask do I get treated like a dog and yelled at for every. single. thing I do while my sister, who is the total wannabe popular type of person. She goes out basically every day and gets bad grades and my mom does nothing. Nothing. She doesn't get yelled at. She doesn't get treated like a freaking slave whenever she doesn't do anything my mom says.

*sigh* <--- that was a pretty big sigh because I am tired of my mom not appreciating me for EVERYTHING that I do for her. If it's not physically doing something, then she's not satisfied. Sometimes, I wonder what she would do if I got into drugs and alcohol. Sometimes, I come very close to just giving up on my life and succumbing to those vices just to show her how much of great child I was before. Seriously. What do I do? What do I do with a mom that won't listen?

You may wonder why I don't just talk to her about it. Well, she doesn't listen to anything. If it's not her talking, she won't listen. If it's not something she wants to hear, she won't listen. I've tried, time and time again to explain to her that yelling at me won't solve any problems. All it'll do is make me angry, very very very angry. But what does she do? She yells at me some more for being ungrateful and liking other people more than her. How am I supposed to deal with that? Every time she does it, it just makes me more and more frustrated.

I asked her once, in these exact words "do you want me to die?" while we were in an argument. and what did she do? She yelled at me for being ungrateful to her. All she said was look at that laptop i bought you. Look at that car I let you drive. Look at the clothes you have. Look at everything I gave you and why do you not listen to me? WELL WHY DON'T YOU LISTEN TO ME? I basically just told you that I want to die and you didn't even give a fuck.

I came so close to just slitting my wrists that day because I knew she wasn't going to change and I would never have that mother daughter relationship that I want. I came so close to ending my life because my very own mother didn't want to acknowledge the fact that the way she treats me doesn't help my depression. It doesn't help to know that the person who gave birth to me refuses to acknowledge everything that I do for her.The only thing that kept me from actually doing it was that my grandma would have been so sad when she came back from her vacation.

She doesn't understand and she never will. When I am all grown up then she'll feel my wrath. Revenge might not be the most healthiest thing but it's my motivation to succeed in life and not give up.

When I am an adult, she will feel the hurt that I did. I will be successful. I will make a lot of money. I will be successful and she won't get ANY of it. If my grandma is still alive, I would take her away from my mom. I would give her the luxury she deserves in her final years. I would make it known that this lady I live with right now is not my mother. She may be my "mother" technically, but emotionally she's hell. Living with her and the rest of my family is absolute hell. Right now, my "mother" will NOT be invited to my wedding. I will make sure to invite my dad but NOT my mother. I have disowned her as a mother just like she disowned me as a child when I asked if she wanted me to die.

After that day, I have more and more anger. I am so done with pretending that I actually like my mom. I am so done with pretending that we can actually live with each other. I am so done with her. I will NOT live at home. I would rather cut off my arms than live at home for college. I refuse to live at home. I refuse to have her at my wedding. I refuse to come back home for any other reason than to visit my grandparents and for family parties.

I am filled with so much anger towards my mother that after college, I plan on never seeing her face again. She made me the angry person that I am. She doesn't understand buddhism at all. If a daughter mistreats her mother, then her daughter will mistreat her 10X as worse. Well my mother mistreats my grandma and me and therefore she brought my wrath on her herself. I will never treat my daughter the way she treats me.



and now that I am calm, I still hate my mother.

Words cannot explain how I feel right now

There is one word that comes close to describing how I feel, but does not completely encase it. That word is stressed.

There are so many pressures put upon my shoulders right now that it isn't even fathomable how I have not been crushed by my load right now. I have so many emotional issues and so many actual things to do but what I actually do is nothing. There isn't much I can do to fix my emotional issues. It's not like I can heal my brain (and asians don't believe in depression and such... at least my family doesn't).

It's not like I can tell my brain to stop being so sad all the time, to stop thinking about people and move onto better things can it? If anyone knows how to control my brain then please inform me because I do not need this sadness in my life right now.

Sometimes, I can cry with all this pressure, with all the thoughts going through my head. I'm crying right now actually because I don't want to deal with growing up, moving on, gaining freedom, everything. All this pressure is getting to me and messing with my brain.

When I'm stressed, I can't help but to think of the past. I can't help pulling up past memories of people I used to know. I can't help pulling up past relationships, past friendships, past opportunities that I missed, past everything. You see... when there is enough stress on my plate, I live in the past. I think about "M" who used to be my best friend. Who used to be so close to me and yet she is one of the people I hate most right now. Isn't it funny how that happens?

I can't help thinking about A and what could have happened if I told him how I actually feel. How I felt from 3rd to 5th grade, 7-8th grade, and perhaps even high school. I can't help thinking of the possible relationship that we would have had and whether he would have broken my heart or not. I really hope not because I have had enough heartbreak to last me for a while.

And lastly, I think of him. The person who has hurt me the most. I don't know why thoughts of this terrible terrible jerk comes into my mind when I am extremely stressed. I don't know why I continue to torture myself with his memories. I can't even begin to describe how frustrating this is. I wish I could just forget, but life doesn't work that way. No matter how hard I try, I can't forget.

I can't forget about my ex-best friend who I used to care about and now I hate. I can't forget about the person that could have been my first love or my first heartbreak or maybe a little bit of both, but at least could have been my friend. and last, I can't forget about my first actual heartbreak. I can't forget the person who put me though so much pain, who still is.

I just can't forget, no matter how hard I try.



Right now, I am watching a drama called "The Innocent Man" and I am quite envious of Eun Gi. *SPOILER ALERT* she gets to forget everything. She gets to have a car crash and forget. She gets to forget all the pain and sadness. How I wish I could a restart with my memories. Maybe I would finally get some peace. Maybe I can even be happy for a little bit.



No matter how much I want to forget, there are always the things that I don't. I don't ever want to forget my current best friend because she is amazing. I don't want to forget the friendship that took 5 years to build. I don't want to forget her....

but sometimes I ask myself if it's worth it. If remembering this one bright sun in my life is worth all the pain that I have within my brain and ultimately the pain within my heart? Sometimes, on a good day, I would say yes. All my memories with her, with N and possibly with D are all worth this pain that I am feeling right now.

and on days like this... On nights like this, I am willing to give up my life to stop this (what seems like) endless waves of pain. Never would I have ever thought that I would be sitting in my bedroom alone and crying my eyes out wishing for a better life. I didn't think I had it that bad, but sometimes it feels terrible.

and I just deal with it, this pain. I have kept it all in until one night I just break down and rant all my problems through this blog. There are those meaningless posts about random stuff within this blog. There are days where I just want to write something for this blog.



But there are also those days where this blog is my medicine. It's what keeps me going. It is an outlet. It is MY outlet for things that I can't tell anyone, for all the pain that I experience, and all the feelings that I have kept inside for so long.

This blog is my way of dealing. This blog is my medicine.

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Maybe if I say it enough I'll believe it. Or maybe my mom will call me fat again and I'll die.

News report

One day, you're all going to see my name on the news. You may not know it was me, but you will cringe at all the horrible things that I did to people. You will probably sit there and wonder 'what kind of life mush she had to do those horrific acts to people' and then you'll come read this blog or remember about this blog and maybe then you'll understand, at least a little bit about me. About what drove me to hurt all the people that I did. That cause me to murder my whole family.

I am so angry right now. So angry that such evil little demons live in my house. So angry that I came VERY close to punching a giant hole in my wall, but I didn't. I don't want to pay for any fucking damage I do to this rotten hell hole of a house. Once my grandparents die, I'll basically have no family anymore. Dumb ass sister will be dead to me. Completely dead to me. There will be NO reason for me to come back to this stupid house.

Once my grandparents die, I'm on my own. None of these stupid people will come to my wedding. Hell, whoever I marry probably will think my parents died and that I only have one sister because frankly, everyone else is a fuckin bitch and doesn't need to be in my life. My children won't know they have 4 aunts and grandparents from my side of the family.

If I ever become like my mom or my sisters, I would probably kill myself. Sometimes, I hope that my sisters would go kill themselves or get into a bad accident or get murdered just so I don't have to kill them myself. Frankly, I think that if I have to deal with them for the rest of my life, I WILL end up murdering them.

Maybe I'm just messed up like that. Maybe I'm just some psychopath that needs to be locked up. As I said before, they would all be dead right now. But the problem is, I have a life. Sometimes, I don't want to live it and just end my suffering myself. But other times, I want to see what I can become. Killing myself is not the solution to my problem. If I died, nothing would change. What I want is to be famous. I want to be rich and successful and I want to drive by this house and this area and see this house in ruins. I want to be successful and see my sister begging for spare change. I want to see my other sister working her corner trying to get money for her and her three children with three different baby daddies. Most of all, I want to see my family suffer for all the pain they caused me. I am waiting for the day when karma bites their butts. I am waiting for the day when karma completely squishes their lives and make it nonexistent. That is one of the few reasons I'm still alive. So that I can have my good life and watch them live our their bleak existences.

Night time

"People are so vulnerable at night. They’re willing to spill out their souls to anyone willing to listen. They have desires to do things that never cross their mind when the sun is in the sky."

I found this on Tumblr. Ha, recently, I have gotten everything on Tumblr. That's because Tumblr is my addiction. If you want to know my tumblr..... then here is the link. Click here. YUP. That is my tumblr. It is filled with hot Korean men that I someday want to married... plus 4 Chinese members.... LOLZ (EXO-M)

Anyway, this quote is so freaking true. I am so vulnerable at night. Night time is when I release all my feelings into blog posts and other stuff. Night time is when I feel the most sad. It is the time when I am able to reflect on my day which leads to reflections about myself. This leads to so many disappointments. I am so disappointed in myself. Quite sad actually.

Also, I get really lonely at night. At night, I am so much more willing to tell you all my secrets than during the day. It's like I am a totally different person at night. I "happy" during the day and not so much at night.

All my courage also happens at night. I am much more willing to talk to people. I actually get ideas and plan out scenarios of telling people to date me or just walking up to a person and just kissing them because they just don't know I am here, that I exist.

I don't know what it is about the night time, but it brings out the real feelings that a person has. It brings out all the insecurities and the suffering and the sadness. Some people just handle it better than others.

I'm not good at dealing with my feelings.

2 years+

My very first blog post was on April 8th, 2010 at 6:50 PM PST. I've had this blog for more than two years. It's actually approaching 3 years. I've changed so much.

I've changed so so much since then. If you actually go back and read those posts, I am naive. I am innocent. I was not depressed and I was happy... or at least I thought I was happy.

Now read my blog posts. What are they? They're depressed and gross. Lots of things happened in these two years of having this blog. I've learned a lot. I've reflected a lot. It's just a lot.

All these changes...... can I say they were for the better? I guess we shall see. Can I say they were for the worse? Probably. I went from happy to depressed. Why is that not worse?

I don't know. I guess when I started this blog, I had a prince charming (or who I thought would have been my prince charming) but now, what am I doing?

I'm still waiting. I've suffered through the immeasurable pain of having your heart broken and I guess I am still picking up the pieces. Will I ever be whole again? I don't know. Will I ever find another Prince? Maybe. It's all unknown.

I'm just a senior in high school. I'm just waiting to be accepted into college (even though it is no question that I am accepted into the colleges that I applied to. Got a 30 on ACT).

Actually, I am just a girl who wants to be happy. I. Am. Just. A. Girl.

What?

So, I just saw this on tumblr. This is what it said......

"saying 'how can you be sad when people have it so much worse than you' is as ridiculous as 'how can you be happy when people have it so much better than you'"

I completely agree with this. In my opinion, I feel that this piece of speech speaks so many words. If you're asking me how can I be sad with all this "awesomeness" in my life is just like me asking you how you can be so happy with life if at least one person out in the world has it so much better than you?

This is exactly why people cannot question depression. It's basically saying that. I'm a fairly happy person, at least I try my hardest to radiate that opinion to other people. Deep down, I am basically hiding a depressed black hole. Isn't that kind of sad?

When I am in a particularly depressing state, there is no other person other than me. This may have just sounded really stupid and selfish, but that's how I feel. I feel that there is no one with it worse than me. Maybe sometimes it may be true, out of all the people I know I may be the saddest or the most depressed. There is no way I can know that.

All we ever know is the known. Out of everything I know, I am the most depressed. It may be that my friends are more depressed than me, but they don't share it with me, so then that isn't know. When I am depressed, I don't think of other people. I only think of my situation. I'm pretty sure a lot of people feel this way. When they're upset they think about themselves. It's just how human nature is, isn't it?

If you really think about it, there is nothing but ourselves. From the day we are born, to the day we die we're ALWAYS thinking about ourselves and how we can make our lives better.

Logically, I know that my situation is not the worse, but how about all you people that tell me to feel better or that people have it worse than me keep your positivism to yourselves. I don't want your positivism (i'm a pessimist anyway). I don't accept your positivism and if you think about it, why are you so happy? Why are you so happy when there is so much more you could do to be happier?

I know that the world would be a terrible terrible absolutely terrible place without all these positive people, but these positive people DO NOT need to push their positivism onto me. I am fine wallowing in my own depressing feelings. If you leave me alone, I will eventually be able to compose myself. Pushing your happiness onto me is NOT going to make me feel better. It's best to just leave me alone.

After all, I am a just a girl. A girl who feels extremely sad sometimes.

Rebound?

Well, I think I've come to the conclusion that no matter who I like next, they will be like a rebound. It's been over a year since my ex broke up with me and yet I just can't find the will power to forget about him.

I want another relationship so badly because I miss the feeling of having someone else there for me. I miss all the hugs and kisses, not necessarily from my ex because I am NEVER getting back together with him.

Today, I realized that (probably, I don't really know) the reason I went out with him was because he gave me attention, unlike every other guy that I have even had any interest in. The guys that I have ever been interested never talked to me or anything and I ended up pining after someone who would never give me a chance. I guess I'm re-evaluating everything and that is the conclusion that I've come to.

If the guy I liked actually gave me a chance then I would have never dated my ex and I wouldn't be so desperate for another relationship (because frankly, I am desperate to feel loved again). I'm really in the mood where I feel so alone and I will always be alone. Meh. I am such a complainer. I wish for things but I never have the guts to make them happen.

I guess that makes me a complete social defect. I never have the nerve to do anything. I am always too afraid to talk to that cute guy or to talk to the guy I like. I pine for them from afar and expect them to make the first move because for some reason I feel like they would never feel the same way and if they did then they would make the first move.

I'm just not happy with myself at the moment. I'm always tempted to go up to the person that I do like and just tell him how I feel, but nope. I never do. It's quite sad actually.

Short Temper.

I am a person who has a VERY high tolerance level but once you start testing my tolerance, I will go ape shit crazy on you. Seriously.

When I first meet a person and I don't immediately dislike them then I will be their friend, but once they start exhibiting behaviors that get on my nerves, the tolerance I have for them gets smaller and smaller. This ends up destroying my friendships but do I care? Most times I have no fucks to give. If you're going to annoy me enough to make me angry and stop being friends with you, then do you think I care at all? Not really.

I just have a lot of things that I don't like and I am very annoyed right now. People can just go die. What irks me the most is when people aren't appreciative of me. If I go through the effort of doing something extremely nice to you (which I rarely do since I am a pretty bitter person) then you best appreciate it. You do not go crawling back to the people that hurt you because that is the last straw.

If someone basically rejects my act of niceness and completely blows me off for someone else, especially someone I hate, then everything is ruin. There is VERY little chance that this is just an angry mood of mine and that I'll get over it. I will not. I am the type of person that holds grudges. I will not forget. I will let the one little thing dig into my brain and fester. Then the more times you do things that annoy me, the more hatred I will have towards you. Thinking about this makes me super angry and want to punch a wall. People should just learn how to be normal human beings instead of the cruel monsters they are.

Don't get me wrong, I know I have my fair share of fault (just read through my blog and you'll find all of them) but at least I know what's wrong from right most times. Most people don't even know that and I am sitting here and just hating on them wishing they would just fail at life already. It is these people that make me angry, depressed, suicidal because I don't even want to deal with them anymore.

I would give anything to transfer into a different family. I would give anything to reverse time and make sure that my second and third sisters were NEVER born. I would give anything to have them out of my life. Why wish when I could escape from them? From all the pressures of society? From life itself? After all, sometimes I feel like what's the point?

Frankly, I don't care about how my death would affect people because I don't care about people. I know there is one, two, maybe three people who would truly and completely be torn apart because of my death, but the rest? There will be a lot of people who don't care. There will be a lot of people who will pretend like the knew the "real" me. There will be those people who will put on a show because they are suppose to care even though they don't. And then there are the people who will feel guilty.

If I were to ever kill myself, which I do think about occasionally (I just don't have the guts to do it.... Wimpy me), I would make sure that the blame gets placed. I would make sure that the people who have caused me all of this suffering and pain know that it was them who did it. That my death is in their hands. And I pray to god that they will suffer for the rest of their lives with guilt. That is one of the best things that would result from my death. People learning that they are horrible monsters and suffering from my death for the rest of their lives.

You see, hate is not a very good thing to harbor inside of you, but it's the only thing I know how to do with hate.

Thanksgiving

What's the point of being thankful for things when all you can do is cry? This is the worst I've felt for a while and why? I can't answer that. It's not like my life is that bad. I have a house and my grades are ok. I guess I'm just striving for things that I can't have. I don't know.

As I'm typing this, tears are streaming down my face for no reason. At least not a reason that I have come to understand. This feeling is well known to me. Most times I just don't understand. I don't understand why I'm feeling like I'm lost. I have no idea why. I guess I'll get over this like I always do. It might just take longer this time.

I can deal with this, at least that's what I tell myself. Some of you may ask why I don't see a doctor about this. Well, I'm Asian. There is no therapist in my Asian world. Whenever I cry, everyone tells at me and tell me to man up. There is no reason to cry. Maybe that's why I'm ashamed of crying. It shouldn't even exist in my vocabulary. My parents wouldn't understand and I have no words to tell them about my depression.

Why even tell my parents at all if they won't actually care right?

*sigh* I still have a little bit of time to cry so I'll be doing that. Goodbye.

Screw life

I am in a slump. A very depressing slump and quite frankly, I do not know why. I seriously have not been enjoying life at all. I don't smile very much and when I do, it's usually a lie. I just don't know what's wrong with me.

Maybe it's all the stress. That's probably it. Whoever was the person who thought that letting an extremely indecisive 17 year old girl make decisions about her whole future was obviously messed up and should be arrested and jailed forever. Seriously, I am majorly stressed about everything I have to do to "secure" my future. What are we all really moving towards? (I'll explain more in another blog post if i get to it)

I guess I'm just angry at myself. I'm angry I can't make a choice and I'm angry that I feel fat and gross and disgusting. I just have a whole lot of insecurities right now. Insecurities about my present, my future, everything in my life.

To add to that stress, I happen to have a terrible case of senioritis. It makes me angry. Ugh. Lots of things make me angry but I just feel everything caving in. I'm like a ticking time bomb and one day I will explode and all my rage with just be released. I'm scared that it'll be on someone that I truly care about. (I'm worried that it's happening right now. That i'm taking my anger out on someone that doesn't deserve it)

I'm just a super angry person right now so that best thing to do is to not piss me off. My grandpa pissed me off like 2 days ago. I drove around crying and literally screaming my lungs out in my car. All this pressure and stress is getting to me and I don't know how to make it better.

I guess this is just me. I hide it and write a blog post about it. Then I cry alone in my room about everything but I don't do anything to fix it. I hate life. I hate life with a burning passion. It's gross and disgusting and frankly, I don't want to deal with it anymore.