While scrolling through my dashboard, I came across the post below and completely broke down in almost tears. I don't know why... actually, scratch that. I know exactly why and it's because everything in the post is so completely true that I don't even know what to say. Here is what the post said:
things I can’t imagine
someone having a crush on me
someone randomly seeing me and thinking ‘wow she’s cute’
someone getting happy because I messaged them first
someone thinking about me, in general
someone wondering how I am
someone finding me attractive
someone doing something to try and impress me
someone asking their friend on what to say to me
someone wanting to get to know me
I have always been a very insecure person. I guess that automatically comes with my personality since I am incredibly, painfully shy. This post really shouldn't have affected me in such a significant way, but I guess it made me realize how alone I really feel all at once.
Everything in that post is true. I really can't imagine a person having a crush on me because of how shy I am. I don't talk to a lot of people. I'm extremely socially awkward. I don't know how to flirt, how to be normal when people talk to me. I just don't know how to function like a normal human being.
I can't imagine someone seeing me on the streets and thinking that I am cute or attractive or pretty or beautiful. Sure I have my moments when I feel completely attractive. Most of those happen in my room and late at night when no one else is around. If I saw me in the streets, I wouldn't think that. I have so many body issues that didn't really appear until mid sophomore-early junior year. I don't even know anymore. Sometimes, I think back to when I actually felt pretty or loved and then I realize that people just get tired of me or realize that I am not who they thought I was. I don't know. I just don't feel attractive during the day time, like ever.
I can't imagine someone being happy when I message them first. My friends have their own lives. I don't have a life. Whenever I message my friends, I always feel like I am bothering them. Sometimes, I get a little over zealous with my messages and I can just feel their annoyance seeping through my computer screen. Sometimes, I think that I should just stop trying to talk to my friends and let them come to me but then I realize that they wouldn't. As I said before, they have their own lives and if I don't try to be in it, they wouldn't be my friends. I would be alone if I didn't try because no one cares enough to try and be in my life.
I really can't imagine people thinking about me or wondering how I am ever. Whether it is a guy (which is extremely laughable) or my friends (which is more possible but not likely), I really can't imagine it. As I said before, I know my friends have their own lives and probably never think about how I am. They have their own problems, I guess. I just can't really imagine people thinking about me and whether I am ok or not. This is why I have this blog and my tumblr. What i really cannot imagine is a guy thinking about me. Who would like me enough to even think about me? Not a lot of people.
I can't even imagine someone asking their friends for advice on how to get with me or doing something to impress me. With all my insecurities, how could someone even like me enough to get that far. I don't talk to people so how could my personality entice someone enough to want to be with me? I am not attractive so how can I attract a guy to even want to say hi or ask for my name or something minuscule like that?
Lastly, I can't imagine someone wanting to get to know me. I'm sure there are people out there who want to know what that quiet girl in their class is thinking. There are people who are naturally curious about things like that. But is there someone out there who really wants to get to know ME? Who wants to try and get to know me? Who wants to put in effort and time to even get my attention? I don't think I have ever had that happen, people wanting to get to know me. My first relationship was a fluke. Getting to know me while he was trying to get back with my ex-friend. My next relationship will probably be one of those curious people. The curious people who just want to get to know me, get me to trust them, and then get bored with me and throw me away. After all, I am quite used to that (being thrown away that is).
I am not one to trust very easily. I keep my trust locked tightly in a heavy, stainless steel box and rarely give it out. The thing with trust is people brake it and throw you away and it hurts. There are people that I hate. People that I tolerate. People that I partially trust. People that I trust more than partially. Then there is me. It's going to be very hard for me to ever trust another person completely ever again.
I'm going to be like a feral animal. No one is going to want me because it takes time and patience to gain my affections. Not many people have time and patience. Even less have the ability to make me open up. And even less than that will have the ability to make me love them.
Showing posts with label heartbreak. Show all posts
Showing posts with label heartbreak. Show all posts
Wednesday, March 27, 2013
Saturday, January 19, 2013
How can I love?
How can I love when I'm afraid to fall?
This is what I think about sometimes. How can I love another person if I am so afraid of falling.
It's not actual love that I'm afraid of. It's the prospect of falling in love. Of being the real me with someone and depending on someone only to have that ripped away from me.
I've dealt with it once. Heartbreak I mean and in some ways, I'm still trying to deal with it. Having someone you trusted completely betray you tends to have extremely negative effects on people. It doesn't even matter that it was an ex. I am pretty sure that I would still be devastated if my absolute best friend decided to betray me.
Seriously. Having people betray you hurts and I don't want to go through the pain of getting close to someone, of falling, and having them figure out that being with me means dealing with a whole ocean filled with problems and that they no longer want to be with me anymore.
I know it's hard to deal with me. I can be pretty annoying. I can be pretty moody. I can get so angry that I'll be ready to murder the next person I see. That is why I need someone with patience. If a guy does not have patience, there is NO way he'll even be able to handle a little glimpse of who I really am.
Being the moody b**ch that I am, a guy needs so much patience to deal with me. Guys are not usually patience. Which is why I will be a lonely cat lady artist for the rest of my life.
Anyway, back to the point. I am afraid. I'm afraid of guys. Afraid of falling. Afraid of getting hurt. I'm just afraid.
This is what I think about sometimes. How can I love another person if I am so afraid of falling.
It's not actual love that I'm afraid of. It's the prospect of falling in love. Of being the real me with someone and depending on someone only to have that ripped away from me.
I've dealt with it once. Heartbreak I mean and in some ways, I'm still trying to deal with it. Having someone you trusted completely betray you tends to have extremely negative effects on people. It doesn't even matter that it was an ex. I am pretty sure that I would still be devastated if my absolute best friend decided to betray me.
Seriously. Having people betray you hurts and I don't want to go through the pain of getting close to someone, of falling, and having them figure out that being with me means dealing with a whole ocean filled with problems and that they no longer want to be with me anymore.
I know it's hard to deal with me. I can be pretty annoying. I can be pretty moody. I can get so angry that I'll be ready to murder the next person I see. That is why I need someone with patience. If a guy does not have patience, there is NO way he'll even be able to handle a little glimpse of who I really am.
Being the moody b**ch that I am, a guy needs so much patience to deal with me. Guys are not usually patience. Which is why I will be a lonely cat lady artist for the rest of my life.
Anyway, back to the point. I am afraid. I'm afraid of guys. Afraid of falling. Afraid of getting hurt. I'm just afraid.
Monday, January 14, 2013
Words cannot explain how I feel right now
There is one word that comes close to describing how I feel, but does not completely encase it. That word is stressed.
There are so many pressures put upon my shoulders right now that it isn't even fathomable how I have not been crushed by my load right now. I have so many emotional issues and so many actual things to do but what I actually do is nothing. There isn't much I can do to fix my emotional issues. It's not like I can heal my brain (and asians don't believe in depression and such... at least my family doesn't).
It's not like I can tell my brain to stop being so sad all the time, to stop thinking about people and move onto better things can it? If anyone knows how to control my brain then please inform me because I do not need this sadness in my life right now.
Sometimes, I can cry with all this pressure, with all the thoughts going through my head. I'm crying right now actually because I don't want to deal with growing up, moving on, gaining freedom, everything. All this pressure is getting to me and messing with my brain.
When I'm stressed, I can't help but to think of the past. I can't help pulling up past memories of people I used to know. I can't help pulling up past relationships, past friendships, past opportunities that I missed, past everything. You see... when there is enough stress on my plate, I live in the past. I think about "M" who used to be my best friend. Who used to be so close to me and yet she is one of the people I hate most right now. Isn't it funny how that happens?
I can't help thinking about A and what could have happened if I told him how I actually feel. How I felt from 3rd to 5th grade, 7-8th grade, and perhaps even high school. I can't help thinking of the possible relationship that we would have had and whether he would have broken my heart or not. I really hope not because I have had enough heartbreak to last me for a while.
And lastly, I think of him. The person who has hurt me the most. I don't know why thoughts of this terrible terrible jerk comes into my mind when I am extremely stressed. I don't know why I continue to torture myself with his memories. I can't even begin to describe how frustrating this is. I wish I could just forget, but life doesn't work that way. No matter how hard I try, I can't forget.
I can't forget about my ex-best friend who I used to care about and now I hate. I can't forget about the person that could have been my first love or my first heartbreak or maybe a little bit of both, but at least could have been my friend. and last, I can't forget about my first actual heartbreak. I can't forget the person who put me though so much pain, who still is.
I just can't forget, no matter how hard I try.
Right now, I am watching a drama called "The Innocent Man" and I am quite envious of Eun Gi. *SPOILER ALERT* she gets to forget everything. She gets to have a car crash and forget. She gets to forget all the pain and sadness. How I wish I could a restart with my memories. Maybe I would finally get some peace. Maybe I can even be happy for a little bit.
No matter how much I want to forget, there are always the things that I don't. I don't ever want to forget my current best friend because she is amazing. I don't want to forget the friendship that took 5 years to build. I don't want to forget her....
but sometimes I ask myself if it's worth it. If remembering this one bright sun in my life is worth all the pain that I have within my brain and ultimately the pain within my heart? Sometimes, on a good day, I would say yes. All my memories with her, with N and possibly with D are all worth this pain that I am feeling right now.
and on days like this... On nights like this, I am willing to give up my life to stop this (what seems like) endless waves of pain. Never would I have ever thought that I would be sitting in my bedroom alone and crying my eyes out wishing for a better life. I didn't think I had it that bad, but sometimes it feels terrible.
and I just deal with it, this pain. I have kept it all in until one night I just break down and rant all my problems through this blog. There are those meaningless posts about random stuff within this blog. There are days where I just want to write something for this blog.
But there are also those days where this blog is my medicine. It's what keeps me going. It is an outlet. It is MY outlet for things that I can't tell anyone, for all the pain that I experience, and all the feelings that I have kept inside for so long.
This blog is my way of dealing. This blog is my medicine.
There are so many pressures put upon my shoulders right now that it isn't even fathomable how I have not been crushed by my load right now. I have so many emotional issues and so many actual things to do but what I actually do is nothing. There isn't much I can do to fix my emotional issues. It's not like I can heal my brain (and asians don't believe in depression and such... at least my family doesn't).
It's not like I can tell my brain to stop being so sad all the time, to stop thinking about people and move onto better things can it? If anyone knows how to control my brain then please inform me because I do not need this sadness in my life right now.
Sometimes, I can cry with all this pressure, with all the thoughts going through my head. I'm crying right now actually because I don't want to deal with growing up, moving on, gaining freedom, everything. All this pressure is getting to me and messing with my brain.
When I'm stressed, I can't help but to think of the past. I can't help pulling up past memories of people I used to know. I can't help pulling up past relationships, past friendships, past opportunities that I missed, past everything. You see... when there is enough stress on my plate, I live in the past. I think about "M" who used to be my best friend. Who used to be so close to me and yet she is one of the people I hate most right now. Isn't it funny how that happens?
I can't help thinking about A and what could have happened if I told him how I actually feel. How I felt from 3rd to 5th grade, 7-8th grade, and perhaps even high school. I can't help thinking of the possible relationship that we would have had and whether he would have broken my heart or not. I really hope not because I have had enough heartbreak to last me for a while.
And lastly, I think of him. The person who has hurt me the most. I don't know why thoughts of this terrible terrible jerk comes into my mind when I am extremely stressed. I don't know why I continue to torture myself with his memories. I can't even begin to describe how frustrating this is. I wish I could just forget, but life doesn't work that way. No matter how hard I try, I can't forget.
I can't forget about my ex-best friend who I used to care about and now I hate. I can't forget about the person that could have been my first love or my first heartbreak or maybe a little bit of both, but at least could have been my friend. and last, I can't forget about my first actual heartbreak. I can't forget the person who put me though so much pain, who still is.
I just can't forget, no matter how hard I try.
Right now, I am watching a drama called "The Innocent Man" and I am quite envious of Eun Gi. *SPOILER ALERT* she gets to forget everything. She gets to have a car crash and forget. She gets to forget all the pain and sadness. How I wish I could a restart with my memories. Maybe I would finally get some peace. Maybe I can even be happy for a little bit.
No matter how much I want to forget, there are always the things that I don't. I don't ever want to forget my current best friend because she is amazing. I don't want to forget the friendship that took 5 years to build. I don't want to forget her....
but sometimes I ask myself if it's worth it. If remembering this one bright sun in my life is worth all the pain that I have within my brain and ultimately the pain within my heart? Sometimes, on a good day, I would say yes. All my memories with her, with N and possibly with D are all worth this pain that I am feeling right now.
and on days like this... On nights like this, I am willing to give up my life to stop this (what seems like) endless waves of pain. Never would I have ever thought that I would be sitting in my bedroom alone and crying my eyes out wishing for a better life. I didn't think I had it that bad, but sometimes it feels terrible.
and I just deal with it, this pain. I have kept it all in until one night I just break down and rant all my problems through this blog. There are those meaningless posts about random stuff within this blog. There are days where I just want to write something for this blog.
But there are also those days where this blog is my medicine. It's what keeps me going. It is an outlet. It is MY outlet for things that I can't tell anyone, for all the pain that I experience, and all the feelings that I have kept inside for so long.
This blog is my way of dealing. This blog is my medicine.
Saturday, December 8, 2012
2 years+
My very first blog post was on April 8th, 2010 at 6:50 PM PST. I've had this blog for more than two years. It's actually approaching 3 years. I've changed so much.
I've changed so so much since then. If you actually go back and read those posts, I am naive. I am innocent. I was not depressed and I was happy... or at least I thought I was happy.
Now read my blog posts. What are they? They're depressed and gross. Lots of things happened in these two years of having this blog. I've learned a lot. I've reflected a lot. It's just a lot.
All these changes...... can I say they were for the better? I guess we shall see. Can I say they were for the worse? Probably. I went from happy to depressed. Why is that not worse?
I don't know. I guess when I started this blog, I had a prince charming (or who I thought would have been my prince charming) but now, what am I doing?
I'm still waiting. I've suffered through the immeasurable pain of having your heart broken and I guess I am still picking up the pieces. Will I ever be whole again? I don't know. Will I ever find another Prince? Maybe. It's all unknown.
I'm just a senior in high school. I'm just waiting to be accepted into college (even though it is no question that I am accepted into the colleges that I applied to. Got a 30 on ACT).
Actually, I am just a girl who wants to be happy. I. Am. Just. A. Girl.
I've changed so so much since then. If you actually go back and read those posts, I am naive. I am innocent. I was not depressed and I was happy... or at least I thought I was happy.
Now read my blog posts. What are they? They're depressed and gross. Lots of things happened in these two years of having this blog. I've learned a lot. I've reflected a lot. It's just a lot.
All these changes...... can I say they were for the better? I guess we shall see. Can I say they were for the worse? Probably. I went from happy to depressed. Why is that not worse?
I don't know. I guess when I started this blog, I had a prince charming (or who I thought would have been my prince charming) but now, what am I doing?
I'm still waiting. I've suffered through the immeasurable pain of having your heart broken and I guess I am still picking up the pieces. Will I ever be whole again? I don't know. Will I ever find another Prince? Maybe. It's all unknown.
I'm just a senior in high school. I'm just waiting to be accepted into college (even though it is no question that I am accepted into the colleges that I applied to. Got a 30 on ACT).
Actually, I am just a girl who wants to be happy. I. Am. Just. A. Girl.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)