*sigh* seriously, how do I even begin?
(btw I like writing posts addressed to certain people because I am SO much more literate when I am typing things out)
I don't like being played. I don't. If people are going to use me, please just tell me the truth when I ask you. If you really don't like me and won't really like me any time in the next few months, please tell me the truth instead of telling me you like me when in reality I can tell you don't.
Even though I can tell you aren't being 100% truthful, I am not going to call you out on it because I like to give people the benefit of the doubt. I told you I didn't want to be hurt when I went into whatever thing this is. Now, I am putting it all on you if I am going to be hurt because I like you. I already know I am going to get hurt because you are kind of a player. Let me go through our conversation.
I tell you to stop. Stop doing this to me if you don't want me attached because, to be honest, I am kind of getting attached. You tell me you're confused. You don't know what you want. You don't know if you want me attached or not. In response to this, I don't know. I understand where you're coming from but my cousin tells me that you're just saying that to keep me as back up. I don't want to be back up. I don't want to be a distraction. I don't want to be the side bitch (because let's face it I am letting you treat me like this because I like you).
You told me you liked me, but do I believe it? No. I don't believe it. How can I if you don't do a single thing to show me that you like me? You don't text me. You don't snapchat me. You don't talk to me. I sometimes even wonder if you care at all because it doesn't really seem like it and that hurts me because I think of you all the time. I think of you before I go to bed (and most times it makes me cry and have trouble sleeping, which I told you too). I tell you how bringing that girl to the party to get with her (while I was at the party too) really hurt me and all I heard were excuses. Even my cousin tells me that you're probably lying and don't really have any feelings for me (which was really brutal tbh...).
Sometimes you make me feel like I am stupid, that I am being irrational. Maybe I am, for a girl that you only mess around with no strings attached but the strings got attached and I told you. I can be hurt. I can be jealous. You can make me cry with your actions. I've told you all of this but what do you still do? You dance around the question and don't ever give me a straight answer. I guess people have told me that's how you are but now I am starting to realize how hard it is to actually discuss "us" with you.
It's kind of hard, discussing "us" when you don't know what you want. When I like you so much that it makes me into a complete mess. It also doesn't help that we only really talk when people remind you of the girl before (which absolutely CRUSHES my self esteem because according to you and others.... she's perfect and extremely hard to get over... but I don't hate her).
Ugh. What am I actually doing now? I know what I am doing. I am blogging away my frustrations because it's so hard to actually say things while I am sitting in your arms, crying my eyes out, and trying to communicate. I need this outlet. I had this outlet with alan. I blogged things and had him read it... but I am not showing this to you because I want to have this talk in person. <--- never would I EVER think I would say that since I am terrible with words.
Ugh. Maybe I am not ready for a relationship yet.... or maybe this is just how I am. I don't talk a lot. I don't say random things to make sounds when there is silence. I need someone who is willing to talk to me. I need someone who is not bothered when I don't really speak much because I am not a conversationalist. I suck at talking. Ugh. Alan understood that. How the heck was I even able to have a relationship when I have ZERO communication skills.
*sigh* I have used all of break to realize that I will let you hurt me. I will suffer through this unknown whatever we are because I like you. Because I tolerate A LOT of bullshit from people because I want to keep them in my life.
Why do I do that? I allowed my sister to walk all over me. I let go of whatever bothered be about Alan (even though I shouldn't have given him multiple chances.... I did). I did that with Danielle (basically dealing with someone who didn't care whether I was in their life or not since she almost never contacted me first). And now..... I will allow you to do this to me because I like you. That's one of the saddest things (about myself because I am always getting hurt), but I can't exactly change that about myself.
I am so done with this post. It's only making me upset.
"When you call me baby, I know I'm not the only one" -Sam Smith
"I'm thinking it over. The way you make me feel all sexy but it's causing me shame." -Banks
^lyrics to explain my life right now.
As an end note (and to possibly contradict everything that I just ranted about) I really liked spending new years eve with you and waking up in your arms the next day. Although I didn't get a new years kiss (even though I was standing RIGHT next to you and even looked at you... I understand that people were there and would not have approved) I really like spending time with you. A lot. and you just make me like you more.... UGH that was a total contradiction to my angry feelings.... WHY???????
Showing posts with label relationship. Show all posts
Showing posts with label relationship. Show all posts
Sunday, January 4, 2015
Tuesday, November 25, 2014
The day I realized I liked you....
Hey oh. I have not blogged in a while but there isn't really a lot that happened.... scratch that. There was A LOT that happened. We ain't even going to touch the stupid K drama that happened last weekend. I was not drunk enough to deal with the shit storm that K caused. ugh. Yeah, I didn't start this blog post to talk about her or anyone other than HIM.
I don't know... I guess I am just feeling a little emotional listening to sad songs and everything. A lot of people have told me bad things about him, including K (she said some mean things man), that I know are kind of true or kind of make sense but I just don't understand why I still like him. I don't. He's not my normal type. For one, he is a player and I have said it plenty of times. I HATE PLAYERS. I didn't ever want to be played (but look at where I am now? I am being played and it sucks). I didn't even want to converse with players (the thing is, I didn't know he was one when I started liking him). Two, my type is asian. Out of the probably hundreds of guys I have found attractive a good 95% of them are asian. I never thought I would have date anyone that wasn't asian because most times I wasn't even attracted to them (maybe that sounds racist, but I am just being honest). Three, he is 27. That is like a 8 year difference? That doesn't bother me but I thought my next boyfriend would be closer to my age. Alan was one year above me and about 1.5 years older than me. I never thought I would like someone who was that much older than me, at least not for my next boyfriend. His age honestly doesn't bother me. I am willing to date anyone from 17.5-29 although I would prefer older (but if my soulmate is younger I can't really help that) because I was raised up in a family where my grandparents have a 10+ years difference and several of my aunt and uncles have 7+ years difference. It's not weird to me.
But anyway, we are getting off topic. I was thinking about why I liked him and that lead to the day I realized that I liked him. It was a very weird moment I guess but thinking back it really makes me smile....
It was the day that he drank vodka through a straw.. haha I know that sounds kind of weird but that was one of the most memorable things about that night. We also "watched" world war Z (actually C watched world war Z, I got scared and went to bed. But the exact moment I realized I liked him was when we were sitting. He was sitting in C's chair and I was sitting in front of the chair on the floor. I was leaning back on his crossed legs and that was the best. He played with my hair (which is the best thing ever because guys are too scared of hurting you so they are super gentle with your hair). He was also leaning forward to talk to me and was looking up the cancer aquarius compatibility (which is sweet). That was the moment I knew I had fallen. I liked him. I still like him.
It frustrates me though. I like him so much. I would do anything to be his girl but at the same time I don't want to be his girl. I know he's a player. I know he's probably not looking for a commitment right now (he might even be scared of a commitment) but he is the first guy I have shown ANY interest in since my last boyfriend and I really really like him.
ugh. He knows I like him. but I have no idea how he feels about me. This is not the ideal situation that I want to be in right now. I have tried asking him how he feels about me, but both times he has sort of avoided the subject (which is probably a big clue that he doesn't really like me in that way)... I guess I will attempt to talk to him again (one day. I hate talks and they scare me because I will probably get told things I really don't want to hear).
You know it really sucks when you realize that as soon as there is another girl showing interest, he would drop me at the snap of a finger (at least I think so because I don't know how he feels about me but he's a player so probably). I am literally just a side bitch and it makes me want to cry because I never wanted to be in this situation but I like him so much I don't really want to be out of this situation.
Ugh. It would have been so much easier if I didn't fall for him, if I found my own man.
ugh. whatever. I am going to end this by giving a big fuck you to K for saying that he was an asshole and a complete joke for being 27 and still working on his graduate degree. What kind of person says that about their friend? two faced bitch.
^ because of that, you don't want to get on my bad side. Once I hate you, I HATE you.
I don't know... I guess I am just feeling a little emotional listening to sad songs and everything. A lot of people have told me bad things about him, including K (she said some mean things man), that I know are kind of true or kind of make sense but I just don't understand why I still like him. I don't. He's not my normal type. For one, he is a player and I have said it plenty of times. I HATE PLAYERS. I didn't ever want to be played (but look at where I am now? I am being played and it sucks). I didn't even want to converse with players (the thing is, I didn't know he was one when I started liking him). Two, my type is asian. Out of the probably hundreds of guys I have found attractive a good 95% of them are asian. I never thought I would have date anyone that wasn't asian because most times I wasn't even attracted to them (maybe that sounds racist, but I am just being honest). Three, he is 27. That is like a 8 year difference? That doesn't bother me but I thought my next boyfriend would be closer to my age. Alan was one year above me and about 1.5 years older than me. I never thought I would like someone who was that much older than me, at least not for my next boyfriend. His age honestly doesn't bother me. I am willing to date anyone from 17.5-29 although I would prefer older (but if my soulmate is younger I can't really help that) because I was raised up in a family where my grandparents have a 10+ years difference and several of my aunt and uncles have 7+ years difference. It's not weird to me.
But anyway, we are getting off topic. I was thinking about why I liked him and that lead to the day I realized that I liked him. It was a very weird moment I guess but thinking back it really makes me smile....
It was the day that he drank vodka through a straw.. haha I know that sounds kind of weird but that was one of the most memorable things about that night. We also "watched" world war Z (actually C watched world war Z, I got scared and went to bed. But the exact moment I realized I liked him was when we were sitting. He was sitting in C's chair and I was sitting in front of the chair on the floor. I was leaning back on his crossed legs and that was the best. He played with my hair (which is the best thing ever because guys are too scared of hurting you so they are super gentle with your hair). He was also leaning forward to talk to me and was looking up the cancer aquarius compatibility (which is sweet). That was the moment I knew I had fallen. I liked him. I still like him.
It frustrates me though. I like him so much. I would do anything to be his girl but at the same time I don't want to be his girl. I know he's a player. I know he's probably not looking for a commitment right now (he might even be scared of a commitment) but he is the first guy I have shown ANY interest in since my last boyfriend and I really really like him.
ugh. He knows I like him. but I have no idea how he feels about me. This is not the ideal situation that I want to be in right now. I have tried asking him how he feels about me, but both times he has sort of avoided the subject (which is probably a big clue that he doesn't really like me in that way)... I guess I will attempt to talk to him again (one day. I hate talks and they scare me because I will probably get told things I really don't want to hear).
You know it really sucks when you realize that as soon as there is another girl showing interest, he would drop me at the snap of a finger (at least I think so because I don't know how he feels about me but he's a player so probably). I am literally just a side bitch and it makes me want to cry because I never wanted to be in this situation but I like him so much I don't really want to be out of this situation.
Ugh. It would have been so much easier if I didn't fall for him, if I found my own man.
ugh. whatever. I am going to end this by giving a big fuck you to K for saying that he was an asshole and a complete joke for being 27 and still working on his graduate degree. What kind of person says that about their friend? two faced bitch.
^ because of that, you don't want to get on my bad side. Once I hate you, I HATE you.
Thursday, September 25, 2014
I don't know, kind of feeling bitter.
As my title suggests, I am kind of feeling bitter and emotional right now. No, it is not that time of the month although this could have something to do with me only sleeping for 4 hours monday night and then only sleeping for 2.5 tuesday night (it is now wednesday).
I am not very functional when I don't get enough sleep and I am hungry. I don't know what to do anymore. I guess I just need a really good cry to get every emotion out of my system, isn't that the girly thing to do?
What is even my life right now? I don't know what's going on. I don't know what to do. I just don't know. There are people giving me opinions and advice and it's not that I don't want to listen to it or that it's bad advice (because it's actually really logical and good advice). I am just not the type of girl that thinks about the future (and when I do, I get upset and I feel like puking. It's sort of like anxiety).
I know I am being kind of vague, but things were said that just brought up old emotions (old painful emotions) that I would just not like to think about or feel. I really just don't want to be hurt again but when my friends gave me advice, I felt like I was drowning and just digging myself a deeper hole. I am kind of over thinking things and letting my feelings get the best of me.
This all is just a jumbled mess, but I have to have somewhere to get it out and this is the place. I don't really know what I am going to do. I don't really know what I am going to say but I hope this all works out for the sake of everyone involved. I am just soooo stressed right now that I don't even want to think of anything but homework.
That's when you know you've got it bad. When you actually focus on homework in order to distract yourself from something. I just don't even know anymore. My friends are pressuring me into talking to him and it just stresses me out because I am not his girlfriend and what we have to talk about is sort of like defining the relationship even though we already told each other what we wanted.
Oh my goodness. I am just so stressing right now I practically feel like crying whenever I think of this. OMG. I could totally get friend zoned too. I am just scared out of my mind and nervous as to what will happen. Maybe I will speak more on this later.
I am not very functional when I don't get enough sleep and I am hungry. I don't know what to do anymore. I guess I just need a really good cry to get every emotion out of my system, isn't that the girly thing to do?
What is even my life right now? I don't know what's going on. I don't know what to do. I just don't know. There are people giving me opinions and advice and it's not that I don't want to listen to it or that it's bad advice (because it's actually really logical and good advice). I am just not the type of girl that thinks about the future (and when I do, I get upset and I feel like puking. It's sort of like anxiety).
I know I am being kind of vague, but things were said that just brought up old emotions (old painful emotions) that I would just not like to think about or feel. I really just don't want to be hurt again but when my friends gave me advice, I felt like I was drowning and just digging myself a deeper hole. I am kind of over thinking things and letting my feelings get the best of me.
This all is just a jumbled mess, but I have to have somewhere to get it out and this is the place. I don't really know what I am going to do. I don't really know what I am going to say but I hope this all works out for the sake of everyone involved. I am just soooo stressed right now that I don't even want to think of anything but homework.
That's when you know you've got it bad. When you actually focus on homework in order to distract yourself from something. I just don't even know anymore. My friends are pressuring me into talking to him and it just stresses me out because I am not his girlfriend and what we have to talk about is sort of like defining the relationship even though we already told each other what we wanted.
Oh my goodness. I am just so stressing right now I practically feel like crying whenever I think of this. OMG. I could totally get friend zoned too. I am just scared out of my mind and nervous as to what will happen. Maybe I will speak more on this later.
Wednesday, July 31, 2013
Holla
Well, it's been a while but things just don't happen to me.
I guess I shall temporarily use this blog as a way to do answer things that I find on tumblr?
I guess since nothing has happened to me (besides maybe liking another person? Idk yet so....) I shall go ahead and do some random posts on things I find on tumblr. That's probably going to be a majority of my new posts until something actually happens? idk yet.
Man, I know nothing. My whole life is up in the air right now. Let's just do this. ABOUT ME
► Name ➔ Felicia
► Will you answer all questions truthfully ➔ Yes
► Are you single ➔ Yes
► Are you happy ➔ meh
► Are you bored ➔ yes
► Are you sad ➔ Meh?
► Are you Italian ➔ No
► Are you German ➔ No
► Are you Asian ➔ Yes and proud of it
► Are you angry ➔ noo? at least not right now?
► Are you Irish ➔ No
► Are your parents still married ➔ Yes
TEN FACTS
► Birth Place ➔ US of A. To be more specific, Colorado?
► Hair Color ➔ Black, straight up. Darkest hair out of most of my sisters
► Birthday ➔ June 27th
► Mood ➔ tired and excited :)
► Gender ➔ Female
► Lefty or Righty ➔ Righty
► Summer or winter ➔ mostly summer, but sometimes winter
► Morning or afternoon ➔ Afternoon I guess
TEN THINGS ABOUT YOUR LOVE LIFE
► Are you in love ➔ No
► Do you believe in love at first sight ➔ kinda
► Who ended your last relationship ➔ A jerk
► Have you ever been hurt ➔ Yes
► Have you ever broken someone’s heart ➔ maybe?? probably? I don't know?
► Are you friends with your ex ➔ *ahem* refer to the jerk (no)
► Are you afraid of commitment ➔ Absolutely not
► Have you hugged someone within the last week? ➔ Yes, tons of people (tons in my opinion, like 5 in others)
► Have you ever had a secret admirer ➔ Yes? If by secret you mean they never told me but I figured it out then yes
► Have you ever broken your own heart? ➔ how does that work?
TEN CHOICES
► Love or lust ➔ Love
► Lemonade or iced tea ➔ Iced tea
► Cats or Dogs ➔ Both..... but if it comes down to it, dogs
► A few best friends or many regular friends ➔ few best
► Television or internet ➔ Internet... duh
► Pepsi or Coke ➔ Coke
► Wild night out or romantic night in ➔ Romantic night in
► Day or night ➔ Night
► IM or Phone ➔ IM
TEN HAVE YOU EVER ► Been caught sneaking out ➔ No, not by my parents
► Fallen off the stairs ➔ yes
► White water rafted ➔ No
► Finished an entire jawbreaker ➔ yes, one of those smaller ones
► Wanted something/someone so badly it hurt? ➔ Yes
► Prank called a store ➔ No
► Skipped school ➔ I skipped a class once.... but not an entire day of school
► Wanted to disappear ➔ Yes
TEN PREFERENCES
► Smile or eyes ➔ smile
► Light or dark hair ➔ Dark hair
► Fat or skinny ➔ Skinny
► Shorter or Taller ➔ taller, way taller please?
► Intelligence or Attraction ➔ attraction?? i guess
►Jock or Nerd ➔ nerd
► Hook-up or Relationship ➔ Relationship
► Funny and poor OR rich and serious ➔ Funny and poor
LAST
► Last Phone Call ➔ umm, my sister
► Last phone call you received ➔ my cousin
► Last person you hung out with ➔ my friend
► Last thing you ate ➔ fries
► Last thing you drank ➔ coke
► Last site you went to ➔ tumblr
► Last place you were ➔ work
RELATIONSHIPS
► Are you in a committed relationship ➔ No
► When was your last relationship ➔ hmmm.... ended junior year... I am now almost a freshman in college... so almost 2 years?
► Have you ever loved a guy/girl more than anything else in the world? ➔ yes
► Do you still love them ➔ no, lol. That's funny.
► Do you like someone right now ➔ I don’t even know.... maybe? How can I tell if I like him because they're nice to me or if I really really do like him?
I just don't even know right now.
FAMILY
► Do you and your family get along ➔ haha. no.
► Would you say you have a “messed up life”➔ yup
► Have you ever run away from home ➔ No, but i've wanted to.... really really badly
► Have you ever gotten kicked out ➔ Yes, I was threatened with that.
► If so, how long ➔ Didn't happen
FRIENDS ► Do you secretly hate one of your friends ➔ Yes, like a bunch of them. Once I tire of you, I get super tired of you and hate you for a while.
► Do you consider all of your friends good friends ➔ No, absolutely not. I have like 2 best friends.
► Would you die for them ➔ For my friends? no. For my BEST friends? Absolutely.
► Who knows everything about you ➔ No one
Yup, that's it. Some facts about a stranger.
I guess I shall temporarily use this blog as a way to do answer things that I find on tumblr?
I guess since nothing has happened to me (besides maybe liking another person? Idk yet so....) I shall go ahead and do some random posts on things I find on tumblr. That's probably going to be a majority of my new posts until something actually happens? idk yet.
Man, I know nothing. My whole life is up in the air right now. Let's just do this. ABOUT ME
► Name ➔ Felicia
► Will you answer all questions truthfully ➔ Yes
► Are you single ➔ Yes
► Are you happy ➔ meh
► Are you bored ➔ yes
► Are you sad ➔ Meh?
► Are you Italian ➔ No
► Are you German ➔ No
► Are you Asian ➔ Yes and proud of it
► Are you angry ➔ noo? at least not right now?
► Are you Irish ➔ No
► Are your parents still married ➔ Yes
TEN FACTS
► Birth Place ➔ US of A. To be more specific, Colorado?
► Hair Color ➔ Black, straight up. Darkest hair out of most of my sisters
► Birthday ➔ June 27th
► Mood ➔ tired and excited :)
► Gender ➔ Female
► Lefty or Righty ➔ Righty
► Summer or winter ➔ mostly summer, but sometimes winter
► Morning or afternoon ➔ Afternoon I guess
TEN THINGS ABOUT YOUR LOVE LIFE
► Are you in love ➔ No
► Do you believe in love at first sight ➔ kinda
► Who ended your last relationship ➔ A jerk
► Have you ever been hurt ➔ Yes
► Have you ever broken someone’s heart ➔ maybe?? probably? I don't know?
► Are you friends with your ex ➔ *ahem* refer to the jerk (no)
► Are you afraid of commitment ➔ Absolutely not
► Have you hugged someone within the last week? ➔ Yes, tons of people (tons in my opinion, like 5 in others)
► Have you ever had a secret admirer ➔ Yes? If by secret you mean they never told me but I figured it out then yes
► Have you ever broken your own heart? ➔ how does that work?
TEN CHOICES
► Love or lust ➔ Love
► Lemonade or iced tea ➔ Iced tea
► Cats or Dogs ➔ Both..... but if it comes down to it, dogs
► A few best friends or many regular friends ➔ few best
► Television or internet ➔ Internet... duh
► Pepsi or Coke ➔ Coke
► Wild night out or romantic night in ➔ Romantic night in
► Day or night ➔ Night
► IM or Phone ➔ IM
TEN HAVE YOU EVER ► Been caught sneaking out ➔ No, not by my parents
► Fallen off the stairs ➔ yes
► White water rafted ➔ No
► Finished an entire jawbreaker ➔ yes, one of those smaller ones
► Wanted something/someone so badly it hurt? ➔ Yes
► Prank called a store ➔ No
► Skipped school ➔ I skipped a class once.... but not an entire day of school
► Wanted to disappear ➔ Yes
TEN PREFERENCES
► Smile or eyes ➔ smile
► Light or dark hair ➔ Dark hair
► Fat or skinny ➔ Skinny
► Shorter or Taller ➔ taller, way taller please?
► Intelligence or Attraction ➔ attraction?? i guess
►Jock or Nerd ➔ nerd
► Hook-up or Relationship ➔ Relationship
► Funny and poor OR rich and serious ➔ Funny and poor
LAST
► Last Phone Call ➔ umm, my sister
► Last phone call you received ➔ my cousin
► Last person you hung out with ➔ my friend
► Last thing you ate ➔ fries
► Last thing you drank ➔ coke
► Last site you went to ➔ tumblr
► Last place you were ➔ work
RELATIONSHIPS
► Are you in a committed relationship ➔ No
► When was your last relationship ➔ hmmm.... ended junior year... I am now almost a freshman in college... so almost 2 years?
► Have you ever loved a guy/girl more than anything else in the world? ➔ yes
► Do you still love them ➔ no, lol. That's funny.
► Do you like someone right now ➔ I don’t even know.... maybe? How can I tell if I like him because they're nice to me or if I really really do like him?
I just don't even know right now.
FAMILY
► Do you and your family get along ➔ haha. no.
► Would you say you have a “messed up life”➔ yup
► Have you ever run away from home ➔ No, but i've wanted to.... really really badly
► Have you ever gotten kicked out ➔ Yes, I was threatened with that.
► If so, how long ➔ Didn't happen
FRIENDS ► Do you secretly hate one of your friends ➔ Yes, like a bunch of them. Once I tire of you, I get super tired of you and hate you for a while.
► Do you consider all of your friends good friends ➔ No, absolutely not. I have like 2 best friends.
► Would you die for them ➔ For my friends? no. For my BEST friends? Absolutely.
► Who knows everything about you ➔ No one
Yup, that's it. Some facts about a stranger.
Tuesday, February 26, 2013
What I wouldn't do for a chance with you.
There is nothing else I want more than to have a chance with you. You, who has become unattainable. I'm going off to college soon. We'll go our separate ways and never see each other again. I just want a chance to be happy for at least a little bit. You know?
It's kind of funny how much I still like you. We've been through a lot, maybe not together but we've been through a lot. I really want to try this thing out but can I ever act on it? No. I am not that type of person. That is why you have to make the move. You have to be brave, but I don't even know if you like me anymore or if you ever did at all.
I wish for us to try this thing out but it probably won't work out. We've tried before, at least being friends but one of us ruined it and it was probably me. *sigh* This is who I am. I am quiet. I will never make the first move. I am shy.
This is me, a girl who like you. Who likes you a lot actually. Who has liked you, a person that she doesn't even know, for a really long time. Who has always wanted to see what it would feel like to be with you but has never actually acted on it. How can I when your presence shoots my nerves and make me a nervous wreck. I can't even talk. You're always at the top of my chat list but I never click your name.
I don't know. Some people may ask how I can like you when I don't even know you anymore. Maybe I just like the idea of you. I know that sounds weird. I may just be insane, but you've always been a presence in my life. You've always been someone I can fall back onto. No matter how much I strayed to other people (and believe me, I have) there is always you that I can always go back to liking.
I don't know. I just don't know what draws me back to saying I like you again and again and again. It's weird. Maybe once we go off to college, I will give up on the idea of you. On the idea of being in a relationship with you because you have no idea how bad I want to try. I want to unravel what makes you you. You're a mystery to me.
I don't know. This is stupid. I'm stupid. Forget that I ever said anything. I'll just go back to admiring from afar and having these sad moments when all I want is you.
It's kind of funny how much I still like you. We've been through a lot, maybe not together but we've been through a lot. I really want to try this thing out but can I ever act on it? No. I am not that type of person. That is why you have to make the move. You have to be brave, but I don't even know if you like me anymore or if you ever did at all.
I wish for us to try this thing out but it probably won't work out. We've tried before, at least being friends but one of us ruined it and it was probably me. *sigh* This is who I am. I am quiet. I will never make the first move. I am shy.
This is me, a girl who like you. Who likes you a lot actually. Who has liked you, a person that she doesn't even know, for a really long time. Who has always wanted to see what it would feel like to be with you but has never actually acted on it. How can I when your presence shoots my nerves and make me a nervous wreck. I can't even talk. You're always at the top of my chat list but I never click your name.
I don't know. Some people may ask how I can like you when I don't even know you anymore. Maybe I just like the idea of you. I know that sounds weird. I may just be insane, but you've always been a presence in my life. You've always been someone I can fall back onto. No matter how much I strayed to other people (and believe me, I have) there is always you that I can always go back to liking.
I don't know. I just don't know what draws me back to saying I like you again and again and again. It's weird. Maybe once we go off to college, I will give up on the idea of you. On the idea of being in a relationship with you because you have no idea how bad I want to try. I want to unravel what makes you you. You're a mystery to me.
I don't know. This is stupid. I'm stupid. Forget that I ever said anything. I'll just go back to admiring from afar and having these sad moments when all I want is you.
Tuesday, February 12, 2013
I want a proper Valentine's day
I'm still waiting for a nice Valentine's Day. A real Valentine's Day. One where I get surprised and have a guy in my life who is willing to be with me. A guy who is willing to fix me and make me feel special even though I think Valentine's Day is somewhat stupid.
Despite thinking that, I still want to feel special. I guess I can be a hypocrite for saying this but isn't it something all girls want? Even though they may hate Valentine's day, every girl secretly wants a guy to do something special for her.
I've never been satisfied with any Valentine's day. Am I crazy for thinking that some guy will be brave enough to confess to me on Valentine's day? Yup, probably. I mean, who could like a quiet, shy, book-nerd like me right?
Brb while I cry in a corner. *sob*
Despite thinking that, I still want to feel special. I guess I can be a hypocrite for saying this but isn't it something all girls want? Even though they may hate Valentine's day, every girl secretly wants a guy to do something special for her.
I've never been satisfied with any Valentine's day. Am I crazy for thinking that some guy will be brave enough to confess to me on Valentine's day? Yup, probably. I mean, who could like a quiet, shy, book-nerd like me right?
Brb while I cry in a corner. *sob*
Monday, February 4, 2013
I think a guy can fix everything
Today, I realized that I am a person who thinks a guy can fix all my problems. This is a very bad thing because I have become dependent on a guy. A guy that I do not even know yet. I feel that a guy can just take away all my problems or at least help with them. I feel like having a guy who is there for me, who will give me hugs to make me feel better, who will support me, who will calm me down, who will do everything to make sure I am happy would fix who I am.
I know that I don't really need a man, but due to my past relationship I feel that having someone like that just has to be a guy. I have never really been the open type, especially to other girls. The first person I ever opened up to completely was a guy and maybe I feel like my boyfriend (whoever he may be in the future) would be the only person that I can ever open up to completely. I don't know why, I guess I just can't really talk to girls. This could be a pretty big problem.
Right now, I do not have a guy and there are times when I feel completely broken and hurt and I just hold it all in. I feel like I'm going to need therapy in order to control all the feelings I have bottled up inside. I feel like having a guy there would make me feel so much better. For those of you in relationships or those who have been in relationship then you know what I am talking about. A hug from your significant other can at least make the world a little bit better.
I guess I have developed dependent feelings and expectations for the male specimen and I am not sure how to deal with that. All I know is that whoever decided they want to date me next needs to be warned of all my emotional baggage. I just want a fun relationship with a guy who will be there for me. Someone who would just hug me and not ask questions when I show up at his house in tears. Someone to cheer me up again. I just need someone.
I'm a very very sad person.
I know that I don't really need a man, but due to my past relationship I feel that having someone like that just has to be a guy. I have never really been the open type, especially to other girls. The first person I ever opened up to completely was a guy and maybe I feel like my boyfriend (whoever he may be in the future) would be the only person that I can ever open up to completely. I don't know why, I guess I just can't really talk to girls. This could be a pretty big problem.
Right now, I do not have a guy and there are times when I feel completely broken and hurt and I just hold it all in. I feel like I'm going to need therapy in order to control all the feelings I have bottled up inside. I feel like having a guy there would make me feel so much better. For those of you in relationships or those who have been in relationship then you know what I am talking about. A hug from your significant other can at least make the world a little bit better.
I guess I have developed dependent feelings and expectations for the male specimen and I am not sure how to deal with that. All I know is that whoever decided they want to date me next needs to be warned of all my emotional baggage. I just want a fun relationship with a guy who will be there for me. Someone who would just hug me and not ask questions when I show up at his house in tears. Someone to cheer me up again. I just need someone.
I'm a very very sad person.
Saturday, January 19, 2013
How can I love?
How can I love when I'm afraid to fall?
This is what I think about sometimes. How can I love another person if I am so afraid of falling.
It's not actual love that I'm afraid of. It's the prospect of falling in love. Of being the real me with someone and depending on someone only to have that ripped away from me.
I've dealt with it once. Heartbreak I mean and in some ways, I'm still trying to deal with it. Having someone you trusted completely betray you tends to have extremely negative effects on people. It doesn't even matter that it was an ex. I am pretty sure that I would still be devastated if my absolute best friend decided to betray me.
Seriously. Having people betray you hurts and I don't want to go through the pain of getting close to someone, of falling, and having them figure out that being with me means dealing with a whole ocean filled with problems and that they no longer want to be with me anymore.
I know it's hard to deal with me. I can be pretty annoying. I can be pretty moody. I can get so angry that I'll be ready to murder the next person I see. That is why I need someone with patience. If a guy does not have patience, there is NO way he'll even be able to handle a little glimpse of who I really am.
Being the moody b**ch that I am, a guy needs so much patience to deal with me. Guys are not usually patience. Which is why I will be a lonely cat lady artist for the rest of my life.
Anyway, back to the point. I am afraid. I'm afraid of guys. Afraid of falling. Afraid of getting hurt. I'm just afraid.
This is what I think about sometimes. How can I love another person if I am so afraid of falling.
It's not actual love that I'm afraid of. It's the prospect of falling in love. Of being the real me with someone and depending on someone only to have that ripped away from me.
I've dealt with it once. Heartbreak I mean and in some ways, I'm still trying to deal with it. Having someone you trusted completely betray you tends to have extremely negative effects on people. It doesn't even matter that it was an ex. I am pretty sure that I would still be devastated if my absolute best friend decided to betray me.
Seriously. Having people betray you hurts and I don't want to go through the pain of getting close to someone, of falling, and having them figure out that being with me means dealing with a whole ocean filled with problems and that they no longer want to be with me anymore.
I know it's hard to deal with me. I can be pretty annoying. I can be pretty moody. I can get so angry that I'll be ready to murder the next person I see. That is why I need someone with patience. If a guy does not have patience, there is NO way he'll even be able to handle a little glimpse of who I really am.
Being the moody b**ch that I am, a guy needs so much patience to deal with me. Guys are not usually patience. Which is why I will be a lonely cat lady artist for the rest of my life.
Anyway, back to the point. I am afraid. I'm afraid of guys. Afraid of falling. Afraid of getting hurt. I'm just afraid.
Monday, January 14, 2013
Words cannot explain how I feel right now
There is one word that comes close to describing how I feel, but does not completely encase it. That word is stressed.
There are so many pressures put upon my shoulders right now that it isn't even fathomable how I have not been crushed by my load right now. I have so many emotional issues and so many actual things to do but what I actually do is nothing. There isn't much I can do to fix my emotional issues. It's not like I can heal my brain (and asians don't believe in depression and such... at least my family doesn't).
It's not like I can tell my brain to stop being so sad all the time, to stop thinking about people and move onto better things can it? If anyone knows how to control my brain then please inform me because I do not need this sadness in my life right now.
Sometimes, I can cry with all this pressure, with all the thoughts going through my head. I'm crying right now actually because I don't want to deal with growing up, moving on, gaining freedom, everything. All this pressure is getting to me and messing with my brain.
When I'm stressed, I can't help but to think of the past. I can't help pulling up past memories of people I used to know. I can't help pulling up past relationships, past friendships, past opportunities that I missed, past everything. You see... when there is enough stress on my plate, I live in the past. I think about "M" who used to be my best friend. Who used to be so close to me and yet she is one of the people I hate most right now. Isn't it funny how that happens?
I can't help thinking about A and what could have happened if I told him how I actually feel. How I felt from 3rd to 5th grade, 7-8th grade, and perhaps even high school. I can't help thinking of the possible relationship that we would have had and whether he would have broken my heart or not. I really hope not because I have had enough heartbreak to last me for a while.
And lastly, I think of him. The person who has hurt me the most. I don't know why thoughts of this terrible terrible jerk comes into my mind when I am extremely stressed. I don't know why I continue to torture myself with his memories. I can't even begin to describe how frustrating this is. I wish I could just forget, but life doesn't work that way. No matter how hard I try, I can't forget.
I can't forget about my ex-best friend who I used to care about and now I hate. I can't forget about the person that could have been my first love or my first heartbreak or maybe a little bit of both, but at least could have been my friend. and last, I can't forget about my first actual heartbreak. I can't forget the person who put me though so much pain, who still is.
I just can't forget, no matter how hard I try.
Right now, I am watching a drama called "The Innocent Man" and I am quite envious of Eun Gi. *SPOILER ALERT* she gets to forget everything. She gets to have a car crash and forget. She gets to forget all the pain and sadness. How I wish I could a restart with my memories. Maybe I would finally get some peace. Maybe I can even be happy for a little bit.
No matter how much I want to forget, there are always the things that I don't. I don't ever want to forget my current best friend because she is amazing. I don't want to forget the friendship that took 5 years to build. I don't want to forget her....
but sometimes I ask myself if it's worth it. If remembering this one bright sun in my life is worth all the pain that I have within my brain and ultimately the pain within my heart? Sometimes, on a good day, I would say yes. All my memories with her, with N and possibly with D are all worth this pain that I am feeling right now.
and on days like this... On nights like this, I am willing to give up my life to stop this (what seems like) endless waves of pain. Never would I have ever thought that I would be sitting in my bedroom alone and crying my eyes out wishing for a better life. I didn't think I had it that bad, but sometimes it feels terrible.
and I just deal with it, this pain. I have kept it all in until one night I just break down and rant all my problems through this blog. There are those meaningless posts about random stuff within this blog. There are days where I just want to write something for this blog.
But there are also those days where this blog is my medicine. It's what keeps me going. It is an outlet. It is MY outlet for things that I can't tell anyone, for all the pain that I experience, and all the feelings that I have kept inside for so long.
This blog is my way of dealing. This blog is my medicine.
There are so many pressures put upon my shoulders right now that it isn't even fathomable how I have not been crushed by my load right now. I have so many emotional issues and so many actual things to do but what I actually do is nothing. There isn't much I can do to fix my emotional issues. It's not like I can heal my brain (and asians don't believe in depression and such... at least my family doesn't).
It's not like I can tell my brain to stop being so sad all the time, to stop thinking about people and move onto better things can it? If anyone knows how to control my brain then please inform me because I do not need this sadness in my life right now.
Sometimes, I can cry with all this pressure, with all the thoughts going through my head. I'm crying right now actually because I don't want to deal with growing up, moving on, gaining freedom, everything. All this pressure is getting to me and messing with my brain.
When I'm stressed, I can't help but to think of the past. I can't help pulling up past memories of people I used to know. I can't help pulling up past relationships, past friendships, past opportunities that I missed, past everything. You see... when there is enough stress on my plate, I live in the past. I think about "M" who used to be my best friend. Who used to be so close to me and yet she is one of the people I hate most right now. Isn't it funny how that happens?
I can't help thinking about A and what could have happened if I told him how I actually feel. How I felt from 3rd to 5th grade, 7-8th grade, and perhaps even high school. I can't help thinking of the possible relationship that we would have had and whether he would have broken my heart or not. I really hope not because I have had enough heartbreak to last me for a while.
And lastly, I think of him. The person who has hurt me the most. I don't know why thoughts of this terrible terrible jerk comes into my mind when I am extremely stressed. I don't know why I continue to torture myself with his memories. I can't even begin to describe how frustrating this is. I wish I could just forget, but life doesn't work that way. No matter how hard I try, I can't forget.
I can't forget about my ex-best friend who I used to care about and now I hate. I can't forget about the person that could have been my first love or my first heartbreak or maybe a little bit of both, but at least could have been my friend. and last, I can't forget about my first actual heartbreak. I can't forget the person who put me though so much pain, who still is.
I just can't forget, no matter how hard I try.
Right now, I am watching a drama called "The Innocent Man" and I am quite envious of Eun Gi. *SPOILER ALERT* she gets to forget everything. She gets to have a car crash and forget. She gets to forget all the pain and sadness. How I wish I could a restart with my memories. Maybe I would finally get some peace. Maybe I can even be happy for a little bit.
No matter how much I want to forget, there are always the things that I don't. I don't ever want to forget my current best friend because she is amazing. I don't want to forget the friendship that took 5 years to build. I don't want to forget her....
but sometimes I ask myself if it's worth it. If remembering this one bright sun in my life is worth all the pain that I have within my brain and ultimately the pain within my heart? Sometimes, on a good day, I would say yes. All my memories with her, with N and possibly with D are all worth this pain that I am feeling right now.
and on days like this... On nights like this, I am willing to give up my life to stop this (what seems like) endless waves of pain. Never would I have ever thought that I would be sitting in my bedroom alone and crying my eyes out wishing for a better life. I didn't think I had it that bad, but sometimes it feels terrible.
and I just deal with it, this pain. I have kept it all in until one night I just break down and rant all my problems through this blog. There are those meaningless posts about random stuff within this blog. There are days where I just want to write something for this blog.
But there are also those days where this blog is my medicine. It's what keeps me going. It is an outlet. It is MY outlet for things that I can't tell anyone, for all the pain that I experience, and all the feelings that I have kept inside for so long.
This blog is my way of dealing. This blog is my medicine.
Saturday, December 8, 2012
Rebound?
Well, I think I've come to the conclusion that no matter who I like next, they will be like a rebound. It's been over a year since my ex broke up with me and yet I just can't find the will power to forget about him.
I want another relationship so badly because I miss the feeling of having someone else there for me. I miss all the hugs and kisses, not necessarily from my ex because I am NEVER getting back together with him.
Today, I realized that (probably, I don't really know) the reason I went out with him was because he gave me attention, unlike every other guy that I have even had any interest in. The guys that I have ever been interested never talked to me or anything and I ended up pining after someone who would never give me a chance. I guess I'm re-evaluating everything and that is the conclusion that I've come to.
If the guy I liked actually gave me a chance then I would have never dated my ex and I wouldn't be so desperate for another relationship (because frankly, I am desperate to feel loved again). I'm really in the mood where I feel so alone and I will always be alone. Meh. I am such a complainer. I wish for things but I never have the guts to make them happen.
I guess that makes me a complete social defect. I never have the nerve to do anything. I am always too afraid to talk to that cute guy or to talk to the guy I like. I pine for them from afar and expect them to make the first move because for some reason I feel like they would never feel the same way and if they did then they would make the first move.
I'm just not happy with myself at the moment. I'm always tempted to go up to the person that I do like and just tell him how I feel, but nope. I never do. It's quite sad actually.
I want another relationship so badly because I miss the feeling of having someone else there for me. I miss all the hugs and kisses, not necessarily from my ex because I am NEVER getting back together with him.
Today, I realized that (probably, I don't really know) the reason I went out with him was because he gave me attention, unlike every other guy that I have even had any interest in. The guys that I have ever been interested never talked to me or anything and I ended up pining after someone who would never give me a chance. I guess I'm re-evaluating everything and that is the conclusion that I've come to.
If the guy I liked actually gave me a chance then I would have never dated my ex and I wouldn't be so desperate for another relationship (because frankly, I am desperate to feel loved again). I'm really in the mood where I feel so alone and I will always be alone. Meh. I am such a complainer. I wish for things but I never have the guts to make them happen.
I guess that makes me a complete social defect. I never have the nerve to do anything. I am always too afraid to talk to that cute guy or to talk to the guy I like. I pine for them from afar and expect them to make the first move because for some reason I feel like they would never feel the same way and if they did then they would make the first move.
I'm just not happy with myself at the moment. I'm always tempted to go up to the person that I do like and just tell him how I feel, but nope. I never do. It's quite sad actually.
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