The day I realized I liked you....

Hey oh. I have not blogged in a while but there isn't really a lot that happened.... scratch that. There was A LOT that happened. We ain't even going to touch the stupid K drama that happened last weekend. I was not drunk enough to deal with the shit storm that K caused. ugh. Yeah, I didn't start this blog post to talk about her or anyone other than HIM.

I don't know... I guess I am just feeling a little emotional listening to sad songs and everything. A lot of people have told me bad things about him, including K (she said some mean things man), that I know are kind of true or kind of make sense but I just don't understand why I still like him. I don't. He's not my normal type. For one, he is a player and I have said it plenty of times. I HATE PLAYERS. I didn't ever want to be played (but look at where I am now? I am being played and it sucks). I didn't even want to converse with players (the thing is, I didn't know he was one when I started liking him). Two, my type is asian. Out of the probably hundreds of guys I have found attractive a good 95% of them are asian. I never thought I would have date anyone that wasn't asian because most times I wasn't even attracted to them (maybe that sounds racist, but I am just being honest). Three, he is 27. That is like a 8 year difference? That doesn't bother me but I thought my next boyfriend would be closer to my age. Alan was one year above me and about 1.5 years older than me. I never thought I would like someone who was that much older than me, at least not for my next boyfriend. His age honestly doesn't bother me. I am willing to date anyone from 17.5-29 although I would prefer older (but if my soulmate is younger I can't really help that) because I was raised up in a family where my grandparents have a 10+ years difference and several of my aunt and uncles have 7+ years difference. It's not weird to me.

But anyway, we are getting off topic. I was thinking about why I liked him and that lead to the day I realized that I liked him. It was a very weird moment I guess but thinking back it really makes me smile....

It was the day that he drank vodka through a straw.. haha I know that sounds kind of weird but that was one of the most memorable things about that night. We also "watched" world war Z (actually C watched world war Z, I got scared and went to bed. But the exact moment I realized I liked him was when we were sitting. He was sitting in C's chair and I was sitting in front of the chair on the floor. I was leaning back on his crossed legs and that was the best. He played with my hair (which is the best thing ever because guys are too scared of hurting you so they are super gentle with your hair). He was also leaning forward to talk to me and was looking up the cancer aquarius compatibility (which is sweet). That was the moment I knew I had fallen. I liked him. I still like him.

It frustrates me though. I like him so much. I would do anything to be his girl but at the same time I don't want to be his girl. I know he's a player. I know he's probably not looking for a commitment right now (he might even be scared of a commitment) but he is the first guy I have shown ANY interest in since my last boyfriend and I really really like him.

ugh. He knows I like him. but I have no idea how he feels about me. This is not the ideal situation that I want to be in right now. I have tried asking him how he feels about me, but both times he has sort of avoided the subject (which is probably a big clue that he doesn't really like me in that way)... I guess I will attempt to talk to him again (one day. I hate talks and they scare me because I will probably get told things I really don't want to hear).

You know it really sucks when you realize that as soon as there is another girl showing interest, he would drop me at the snap of a finger (at least I think so because I don't know how he feels about me but he's a player so probably). I am literally just a side bitch and it makes me want to cry because I never wanted to be in this situation but I like him so much I don't really want to be out of this situation.

Ugh. It would have been so much easier if I didn't fall for him, if I found my own man.

ugh. whatever. I am going to end this by giving a big fuck you to K for saying that he was an asshole and a complete joke for being 27 and still working on his graduate degree. What kind of person says that about their friend? two faced bitch.

^ because of that, you don't want to get on my bad side. Once I hate you, I HATE you.

Deep Ass Question #8

8. Your best friend confesses that he/she has feelings for you more than just friendship. He/she is falling in love with you. What do you (or did you) do/say?

I am going to change this to friend because my best friend is in a committed relationship and that would just be weird.

Well if my friend confessed that he had feelings for me, I would friend zone him. If he's my friend, then I am probably comfortable around him. I would only see him as a friend and not someone I would date. There are people that I am friends with that I would NEVER date. If I am friends with a guy and I actually call him my friend and hang out with him a lot and tell him things, then in my mind he really isn't a guy. He becomes a girl in my mind. I know I am not wording this right because a lot of guys would be offended if I told them I don't see them as a guy (which I have done before and the guy is super nice and understanding so he wasn't offended, at least I don't think he was).

Okay, I have a very hard time talking to guys I find attractive. If I find a guy attractive and want to date him, I would probably not talk to him on my own. I mean I did have a crush on a guy for like five years and never once had a full on conversation with him because I am really that painfully shy. So, with that in mind if I am friends with a guy then he really isn't someone that I could see myself dating.

If I am overly chatty with a guy or I tell him things that I really should be only telling my girlfriends, he is not someone I would date. If he wanted to date me, I would shoot him down because I really would not be having any romantic thoughts about him. It's just how my mind works.

I know I am not explaining this well but I can't really explain my brain... I can't really pull up the right words.

Oh well.