I'm just as confused as ever.

*sigh* seriously, how do I even begin?

(btw I like writing posts addressed to certain people because I am SO much more literate when I am typing things out)

I don't like being played. I don't. If people are going to use me, please just tell me the truth when I ask you. If you really don't like me and won't really like me any time in the next few months, please tell me the truth instead of telling me you like me when in reality I can tell you don't.

Even though I can tell you aren't being 100% truthful, I am not going to call you out on it because I like to give people the benefit of the doubt. I told you I didn't want to be hurt when I went into whatever thing this is. Now, I am putting it all on you if I am going to be hurt because I like you. I already know I am going to get hurt because you are kind of a player. Let me go through our conversation.

I tell you to stop. Stop doing this to me if you don't want me attached because, to be honest, I am kind of getting attached. You tell me you're confused. You don't know what you want. You don't know if you want me attached or not. In response to this, I don't know. I understand where you're coming from but my cousin tells me that you're just saying that to keep me as back up. I don't want to be back up. I don't want to be a distraction. I don't want to be the side bitch (because let's face it I am letting you treat me like this because I like you).

You told me you liked me, but do I believe it? No. I don't believe it. How can I if you don't do a single thing to show me that you like me? You don't text me. You don't snapchat me. You don't talk to me. I sometimes even wonder if you care at all because it doesn't really seem like it and that hurts me because I think of you all the time. I think of you before I go to bed (and most times it makes me cry and have trouble sleeping, which I told you too). I tell you how bringing that girl to the party to get with her (while I was at the party too) really hurt me and all I heard were excuses. Even my cousin tells me that you're probably lying and don't really have any feelings for me (which was really brutal tbh...).

Sometimes you make me feel like I am stupid, that I am being irrational. Maybe I am, for a girl that you only mess around with no strings attached but the strings got attached and I told you. I can be hurt. I can be jealous. You can make me cry with your actions. I've told you all of this but what do you still do? You dance around the question and don't ever give me a straight answer. I guess people have told me that's how you are but now I am starting to realize how hard it is to actually discuss "us" with you.

It's kind of hard, discussing "us" when you don't know what you want. When I like you so much that it makes me into a complete mess. It also doesn't help that we only really talk when people remind you of the girl before (which absolutely CRUSHES my self esteem because according to you and others.... she's perfect and extremely hard to get over... but I don't hate her).

Ugh. What am I actually doing now? I know what I am doing. I am blogging away my frustrations because it's so hard to actually say things while I am sitting in your arms, crying my eyes out, and trying to communicate. I need this outlet. I had this outlet with alan. I blogged things and had him read it... but I am not showing this to you because I want to have this talk in person. <--- never would I EVER think I would say that since I am terrible with words.

Ugh. Maybe I am not ready for a relationship yet.... or maybe this is just how I am. I don't talk a lot. I don't say random things to make sounds when there is silence. I need someone who is willing to talk to me. I need someone who is not bothered when I don't really speak much because I am not a conversationalist. I suck at talking. Ugh. Alan understood that. How the heck was I even able to have a relationship when I have ZERO communication skills.

*sigh* I have used all of break to realize that I will let you hurt me. I will suffer through this unknown whatever we are because I like you. Because I tolerate A LOT of bullshit from people because I want to keep them in my life.

Why do I do that? I allowed my sister to walk all over me. I let go of whatever bothered be about Alan (even though I shouldn't have given him multiple chances.... I did). I did that with Danielle (basically dealing with someone who didn't care whether I was in their life or not since she almost never contacted me first). And now..... I will allow you to do this to me because I like you. That's one of the saddest things (about myself because I am always getting hurt), but I can't exactly change that about myself.

I am so done with this post. It's only making me upset.

"When you call me baby, I know I'm not the only one" -Sam Smith
"I'm thinking it over. The way you make me feel all sexy but it's causing me shame." -Banks
^lyrics to explain my life right now.

As an end note (and to possibly contradict everything that I just ranted about) I really liked spending new years eve with you and waking up in your arms the next day. Although I didn't get a new years kiss (even though I was standing RIGHT next to you and even looked at you... I understand that people were there and would not have approved) I really like spending time with you. A lot. and you just make me like you more.... UGH that was a total contradiction to my angry feelings.... WHY???????

It's time?

You know, it's been a really long time since I have liked a guy. I guess I have been attracted to many guys before. I have always claimed that I liked them, but it wasn't really like that. I have realized that I can't say I like a guy unless I really got to know him. With all the guys that I have said that I "liked" before, they were just attractions. I never actually got to know them.

With that being said, I have probably only REALLY liked probably 4 or 5 guys in all of my 19 years. I liked a guy that I will call X and Y in elementary school. These two guys, I actually talked to and played with. They were my little girl crushes. Then there was B and A(who many already know who A is, I don't think I talk about B often enough). I talked to B for like a good two weeks and I thought I liked him, but I let the opinions of others get in the way and he just sort of went away (or I sort of stopped communicating with him). Then there is A who I had my first real relationship with. He made me really happy and he also made me really sad.

Anyway, enough about that. My point is that I don't really know what to do when I like someone. It's been 4 years since I have been in a relationship, meaning it has been 4 years since I have liked someone. I am not even sure I know what to do anymore. I think I might like someone else now. I don't really know where I want this new development to go. I don't know if I really want a relationship right now. I know that I like hanging out with him, I think he's cute, and I think he's fun. What I worry about is kind of whether he is off limits or not (because he's good friends with my friend). I don't really know what to do. I kind of just want to have fun and do nice relationshippy things. I don't really want to be in a committed relationship.

I really just need someone else. Someone to clean the slate from the mess that was Alan. I need to experience a fun relationship, I don't think I need a completely serious relationship right now. I don't even know where this guy and I stand.

I mean I love hugging him and poking him and just sitting next to him while we watch tv or a movie. Yesterday he attempted to braid my hair and he was using my legs as a pillow while we watched a movie at like 4 in the morning. Just thinking about these relationship types things make me pretty happy. I mean he's just there and he's awesome and nice. I really like this aspect of relationships. I don't think I want someone to say good morning too and then talk for the rest of the day (because we don't do that). I don't need someone to tell all of my deepest darkest secrets to and see me at my most vulnerable. I really think all I need right now is fun.

Ugh, the thought of me actually liking another person makes me happy and yet it oddly stresses me out.

I am really at a loss here.

Deep Ass Question #8

8. Your best friend confesses that he/she has feelings for you more than just friendship. He/she is falling in love with you. What do you (or did you) do/say?

I am going to change this to friend because my best friend is in a committed relationship and that would just be weird.

Well if my friend confessed that he had feelings for me, I would friend zone him. If he's my friend, then I am probably comfortable around him. I would only see him as a friend and not someone I would date. There are people that I am friends with that I would NEVER date. If I am friends with a guy and I actually call him my friend and hang out with him a lot and tell him things, then in my mind he really isn't a guy. He becomes a girl in my mind. I know I am not wording this right because a lot of guys would be offended if I told them I don't see them as a guy (which I have done before and the guy is super nice and understanding so he wasn't offended, at least I don't think he was).

Okay, I have a very hard time talking to guys I find attractive. If I find a guy attractive and want to date him, I would probably not talk to him on my own. I mean I did have a crush on a guy for like five years and never once had a full on conversation with him because I am really that painfully shy. So, with that in mind if I am friends with a guy then he really isn't someone that I could see myself dating.

If I am overly chatty with a guy or I tell him things that I really should be only telling my girlfriends, he is not someone I would date. If he wanted to date me, I would shoot him down because I really would not be having any romantic thoughts about him. It's just how my mind works.

I know I am not explaining this well but I can't really explain my brain... I can't really pull up the right words.

Oh well.