I don't know, kind of feeling bitter.

As my title suggests, I am kind of feeling bitter and emotional right now. No, it is not that time of the month although this could have something to do with me only sleeping for 4 hours monday night and then only sleeping for 2.5 tuesday night (it is now wednesday).

I am not very functional when I don't get enough sleep and I am hungry. I don't know what to do anymore. I guess I just need a really good cry to get every emotion out of my system, isn't that the girly thing to do?

What is even my life right now? I don't know what's going on. I don't know what to do. I just don't know. There are people giving me opinions and advice and it's not that I don't want to listen to it or that it's bad advice (because it's actually really logical and good advice). I am just not the type of girl that thinks about the future (and when I do, I get upset and I feel like puking. It's sort of like anxiety).

I know I am being kind of vague, but things were said that just brought up old emotions (old painful emotions) that I would just not like to think about or feel. I really just don't want to be hurt again but when my friends gave me advice, I felt like I was drowning and just digging myself a deeper hole. I am kind of over thinking things and letting my feelings get the best of me.

This all is just a jumbled mess, but I have to have somewhere to get it out and this is the place. I don't really know what I am going to do. I don't really know what I am going to say but I hope this all works out for the sake of everyone involved. I am just soooo stressed right now that I don't even want to think of anything but homework.

That's when you know you've got it bad. When you actually focus on homework in order to distract yourself from something. I just don't even know anymore. My friends are pressuring me into talking to him and it just stresses me out because I am not his girlfriend and what we have to talk about is sort of like defining the relationship even though we already told each other what we wanted.

Oh my goodness. I am just so stressing right now I practically feel like crying whenever I think of this. OMG. I could totally get friend zoned too. I am just scared out of my mind and nervous as to what will happen. Maybe I will speak more on this later.

It's time?

You know, it's been a really long time since I have liked a guy. I guess I have been attracted to many guys before. I have always claimed that I liked them, but it wasn't really like that. I have realized that I can't say I like a guy unless I really got to know him. With all the guys that I have said that I "liked" before, they were just attractions. I never actually got to know them.

With that being said, I have probably only REALLY liked probably 4 or 5 guys in all of my 19 years. I liked a guy that I will call X and Y in elementary school. These two guys, I actually talked to and played with. They were my little girl crushes. Then there was B and A(who many already know who A is, I don't think I talk about B often enough). I talked to B for like a good two weeks and I thought I liked him, but I let the opinions of others get in the way and he just sort of went away (or I sort of stopped communicating with him). Then there is A who I had my first real relationship with. He made me really happy and he also made me really sad.

Anyway, enough about that. My point is that I don't really know what to do when I like someone. It's been 4 years since I have been in a relationship, meaning it has been 4 years since I have liked someone. I am not even sure I know what to do anymore. I think I might like someone else now. I don't really know where I want this new development to go. I don't know if I really want a relationship right now. I know that I like hanging out with him, I think he's cute, and I think he's fun. What I worry about is kind of whether he is off limits or not (because he's good friends with my friend). I don't really know what to do. I kind of just want to have fun and do nice relationshippy things. I don't really want to be in a committed relationship.

I really just need someone else. Someone to clean the slate from the mess that was Alan. I need to experience a fun relationship, I don't think I need a completely serious relationship right now. I don't even know where this guy and I stand.

I mean I love hugging him and poking him and just sitting next to him while we watch tv or a movie. Yesterday he attempted to braid my hair and he was using my legs as a pillow while we watched a movie at like 4 in the morning. Just thinking about these relationship types things make me pretty happy. I mean he's just there and he's awesome and nice. I really like this aspect of relationships. I don't think I want someone to say good morning too and then talk for the rest of the day (because we don't do that). I don't need someone to tell all of my deepest darkest secrets to and see me at my most vulnerable. I really think all I need right now is fun.

Ugh, the thought of me actually liking another person makes me happy and yet it oddly stresses me out.

I am really at a loss here.

Deep Ass Question #8

8. Your best friend confesses that he/she has feelings for you more than just friendship. He/she is falling in love with you. What do you (or did you) do/say?

I am going to change this to friend because my best friend is in a committed relationship and that would just be weird.

Well if my friend confessed that he had feelings for me, I would friend zone him. If he's my friend, then I am probably comfortable around him. I would only see him as a friend and not someone I would date. There are people that I am friends with that I would NEVER date. If I am friends with a guy and I actually call him my friend and hang out with him a lot and tell him things, then in my mind he really isn't a guy. He becomes a girl in my mind. I know I am not wording this right because a lot of guys would be offended if I told them I don't see them as a guy (which I have done before and the guy is super nice and understanding so he wasn't offended, at least I don't think he was).

Okay, I have a very hard time talking to guys I find attractive. If I find a guy attractive and want to date him, I would probably not talk to him on my own. I mean I did have a crush on a guy for like five years and never once had a full on conversation with him because I am really that painfully shy. So, with that in mind if I am friends with a guy then he really isn't someone that I could see myself dating.

If I am overly chatty with a guy or I tell him things that I really should be only telling my girlfriends, he is not someone I would date. If he wanted to date me, I would shoot him down because I really would not be having any romantic thoughts about him. It's just how my mind works.

I know I am not explaining this well but I can't really explain my brain... I can't really pull up the right words.

Oh well.

How can I love?

How can I love when I'm afraid to fall?

This is what I think about sometimes. How can I love another person if I am so afraid of falling.

It's not actual love that I'm afraid of. It's the prospect of falling in love. Of being the real me with someone and depending on someone only to have that ripped away from me.

I've dealt with it once. Heartbreak I mean and in some ways, I'm still trying to deal with it. Having someone you trusted completely betray you tends to have extremely negative effects on people. It doesn't even matter that it was an ex. I am pretty sure that I would still be devastated if my absolute best friend decided to betray me.

Seriously. Having people betray you hurts and I don't want to go through the pain of getting close to someone, of falling, and having them figure out that being with me means dealing with a whole ocean filled with problems and that they no longer want to be with me anymore.

I know it's hard to deal with me. I can be pretty annoying. I can be pretty moody. I can get so angry that I'll be ready to murder the next person I see. That is why I need someone with patience. If a guy does not have patience, there is NO way he'll even be able to handle a little glimpse of who I really am.

Being the moody b**ch that I am, a guy needs so much patience to deal with me. Guys are not usually patience. Which is why I will be a lonely cat lady artist for the rest of my life.

Anyway, back to the point. I am afraid. I'm afraid of guys. Afraid of falling. Afraid of getting hurt. I'm just afraid.