*sigh* seriously, how do I even begin?
(btw I like writing posts addressed to certain people because I am SO much more literate when I am typing things out)
I don't like being played. I don't. If people are going to use me, please just tell me the truth when I ask you. If you really don't like me and won't really like me any time in the next few months, please tell me the truth instead of telling me you like me when in reality I can tell you don't.
Even though I can tell you aren't being 100% truthful, I am not going to call you out on it because I like to give people the benefit of the doubt. I told you I didn't want to be hurt when I went into whatever thing this is. Now, I am putting it all on you if I am going to be hurt because I like you. I already know I am going to get hurt because you are kind of a player. Let me go through our conversation.
I tell you to stop. Stop doing this to me if you don't want me attached because, to be honest, I am kind of getting attached. You tell me you're confused. You don't know what you want. You don't know if you want me attached or not. In response to this, I don't know. I understand where you're coming from but my cousin tells me that you're just saying that to keep me as back up. I don't want to be back up. I don't want to be a distraction. I don't want to be the side bitch (because let's face it I am letting you treat me like this because I like you).
You told me you liked me, but do I believe it? No. I don't believe it. How can I if you don't do a single thing to show me that you like me? You don't text me. You don't snapchat me. You don't talk to me. I sometimes even wonder if you care at all because it doesn't really seem like it and that hurts me because I think of you all the time. I think of you before I go to bed (and most times it makes me cry and have trouble sleeping, which I told you too). I tell you how bringing that girl to the party to get with her (while I was at the party too) really hurt me and all I heard were excuses. Even my cousin tells me that you're probably lying and don't really have any feelings for me (which was really brutal tbh...).
Sometimes you make me feel like I am stupid, that I am being irrational. Maybe I am, for a girl that you only mess around with no strings attached but the strings got attached and I told you. I can be hurt. I can be jealous. You can make me cry with your actions. I've told you all of this but what do you still do? You dance around the question and don't ever give me a straight answer. I guess people have told me that's how you are but now I am starting to realize how hard it is to actually discuss "us" with you.
It's kind of hard, discussing "us" when you don't know what you want. When I like you so much that it makes me into a complete mess. It also doesn't help that we only really talk when people remind you of the girl before (which absolutely CRUSHES my self esteem because according to you and others.... she's perfect and extremely hard to get over... but I don't hate her).
Ugh. What am I actually doing now? I know what I am doing. I am blogging away my frustrations because it's so hard to actually say things while I am sitting in your arms, crying my eyes out, and trying to communicate. I need this outlet. I had this outlet with alan. I blogged things and had him read it... but I am not showing this to you because I want to have this talk in person. <--- never would I EVER think I would say that since I am terrible with words.
Ugh. Maybe I am not ready for a relationship yet.... or maybe this is just how I am. I don't talk a lot. I don't say random things to make sounds when there is silence. I need someone who is willing to talk to me. I need someone who is not bothered when I don't really speak much because I am not a conversationalist. I suck at talking. Ugh. Alan understood that. How the heck was I even able to have a relationship when I have ZERO communication skills.
*sigh* I have used all of break to realize that I will let you hurt me. I will suffer through this unknown whatever we are because I like you. Because I tolerate A LOT of bullshit from people because I want to keep them in my life.
Why do I do that? I allowed my sister to walk all over me. I let go of whatever bothered be about Alan (even though I shouldn't have given him multiple chances.... I did). I did that with Danielle (basically dealing with someone who didn't care whether I was in their life or not since she almost never contacted me first). And now..... I will allow you to do this to me because I like you. That's one of the saddest things (about myself because I am always getting hurt), but I can't exactly change that about myself.
I am so done with this post. It's only making me upset.
"When you call me baby, I know I'm not the only one" -Sam Smith
"I'm thinking it over. The way you make me feel all sexy but it's causing me shame." -Banks
^lyrics to explain my life right now.
As an end note (and to possibly contradict everything that I just ranted about) I really liked spending new years eve with you and waking up in your arms the next day. Although I didn't get a new years kiss (even though I was standing RIGHT next to you and even looked at you... I understand that people were there and would not have approved) I really like spending time with you. A lot. and you just make me like you more.... UGH that was a total contradiction to my angry feelings.... WHY???????
Showing posts with label thoughtsofateenagenon-socialite. Show all posts
Showing posts with label thoughtsofateenagenon-socialite. Show all posts
Sunday, January 4, 2015
Tuesday, November 25, 2014
The day I realized I liked you....
Hey oh. I have not blogged in a while but there isn't really a lot that happened.... scratch that. There was A LOT that happened. We ain't even going to touch the stupid K drama that happened last weekend. I was not drunk enough to deal with the shit storm that K caused. ugh. Yeah, I didn't start this blog post to talk about her or anyone other than HIM.
I don't know... I guess I am just feeling a little emotional listening to sad songs and everything. A lot of people have told me bad things about him, including K (she said some mean things man), that I know are kind of true or kind of make sense but I just don't understand why I still like him. I don't. He's not my normal type. For one, he is a player and I have said it plenty of times. I HATE PLAYERS. I didn't ever want to be played (but look at where I am now? I am being played and it sucks). I didn't even want to converse with players (the thing is, I didn't know he was one when I started liking him). Two, my type is asian. Out of the probably hundreds of guys I have found attractive a good 95% of them are asian. I never thought I would have date anyone that wasn't asian because most times I wasn't even attracted to them (maybe that sounds racist, but I am just being honest). Three, he is 27. That is like a 8 year difference? That doesn't bother me but I thought my next boyfriend would be closer to my age. Alan was one year above me and about 1.5 years older than me. I never thought I would like someone who was that much older than me, at least not for my next boyfriend. His age honestly doesn't bother me. I am willing to date anyone from 17.5-29 although I would prefer older (but if my soulmate is younger I can't really help that) because I was raised up in a family where my grandparents have a 10+ years difference and several of my aunt and uncles have 7+ years difference. It's not weird to me.
But anyway, we are getting off topic. I was thinking about why I liked him and that lead to the day I realized that I liked him. It was a very weird moment I guess but thinking back it really makes me smile....
It was the day that he drank vodka through a straw.. haha I know that sounds kind of weird but that was one of the most memorable things about that night. We also "watched" world war Z (actually C watched world war Z, I got scared and went to bed. But the exact moment I realized I liked him was when we were sitting. He was sitting in C's chair and I was sitting in front of the chair on the floor. I was leaning back on his crossed legs and that was the best. He played with my hair (which is the best thing ever because guys are too scared of hurting you so they are super gentle with your hair). He was also leaning forward to talk to me and was looking up the cancer aquarius compatibility (which is sweet). That was the moment I knew I had fallen. I liked him. I still like him.
It frustrates me though. I like him so much. I would do anything to be his girl but at the same time I don't want to be his girl. I know he's a player. I know he's probably not looking for a commitment right now (he might even be scared of a commitment) but he is the first guy I have shown ANY interest in since my last boyfriend and I really really like him.
ugh. He knows I like him. but I have no idea how he feels about me. This is not the ideal situation that I want to be in right now. I have tried asking him how he feels about me, but both times he has sort of avoided the subject (which is probably a big clue that he doesn't really like me in that way)... I guess I will attempt to talk to him again (one day. I hate talks and they scare me because I will probably get told things I really don't want to hear).
You know it really sucks when you realize that as soon as there is another girl showing interest, he would drop me at the snap of a finger (at least I think so because I don't know how he feels about me but he's a player so probably). I am literally just a side bitch and it makes me want to cry because I never wanted to be in this situation but I like him so much I don't really want to be out of this situation.
Ugh. It would have been so much easier if I didn't fall for him, if I found my own man.
ugh. whatever. I am going to end this by giving a big fuck you to K for saying that he was an asshole and a complete joke for being 27 and still working on his graduate degree. What kind of person says that about their friend? two faced bitch.
^ because of that, you don't want to get on my bad side. Once I hate you, I HATE you.
I don't know... I guess I am just feeling a little emotional listening to sad songs and everything. A lot of people have told me bad things about him, including K (she said some mean things man), that I know are kind of true or kind of make sense but I just don't understand why I still like him. I don't. He's not my normal type. For one, he is a player and I have said it plenty of times. I HATE PLAYERS. I didn't ever want to be played (but look at where I am now? I am being played and it sucks). I didn't even want to converse with players (the thing is, I didn't know he was one when I started liking him). Two, my type is asian. Out of the probably hundreds of guys I have found attractive a good 95% of them are asian. I never thought I would have date anyone that wasn't asian because most times I wasn't even attracted to them (maybe that sounds racist, but I am just being honest). Three, he is 27. That is like a 8 year difference? That doesn't bother me but I thought my next boyfriend would be closer to my age. Alan was one year above me and about 1.5 years older than me. I never thought I would like someone who was that much older than me, at least not for my next boyfriend. His age honestly doesn't bother me. I am willing to date anyone from 17.5-29 although I would prefer older (but if my soulmate is younger I can't really help that) because I was raised up in a family where my grandparents have a 10+ years difference and several of my aunt and uncles have 7+ years difference. It's not weird to me.
But anyway, we are getting off topic. I was thinking about why I liked him and that lead to the day I realized that I liked him. It was a very weird moment I guess but thinking back it really makes me smile....
It was the day that he drank vodka through a straw.. haha I know that sounds kind of weird but that was one of the most memorable things about that night. We also "watched" world war Z (actually C watched world war Z, I got scared and went to bed. But the exact moment I realized I liked him was when we were sitting. He was sitting in C's chair and I was sitting in front of the chair on the floor. I was leaning back on his crossed legs and that was the best. He played with my hair (which is the best thing ever because guys are too scared of hurting you so they are super gentle with your hair). He was also leaning forward to talk to me and was looking up the cancer aquarius compatibility (which is sweet). That was the moment I knew I had fallen. I liked him. I still like him.
It frustrates me though. I like him so much. I would do anything to be his girl but at the same time I don't want to be his girl. I know he's a player. I know he's probably not looking for a commitment right now (he might even be scared of a commitment) but he is the first guy I have shown ANY interest in since my last boyfriend and I really really like him.
ugh. He knows I like him. but I have no idea how he feels about me. This is not the ideal situation that I want to be in right now. I have tried asking him how he feels about me, but both times he has sort of avoided the subject (which is probably a big clue that he doesn't really like me in that way)... I guess I will attempt to talk to him again (one day. I hate talks and they scare me because I will probably get told things I really don't want to hear).
You know it really sucks when you realize that as soon as there is another girl showing interest, he would drop me at the snap of a finger (at least I think so because I don't know how he feels about me but he's a player so probably). I am literally just a side bitch and it makes me want to cry because I never wanted to be in this situation but I like him so much I don't really want to be out of this situation.
Ugh. It would have been so much easier if I didn't fall for him, if I found my own man.
ugh. whatever. I am going to end this by giving a big fuck you to K for saying that he was an asshole and a complete joke for being 27 and still working on his graduate degree. What kind of person says that about their friend? two faced bitch.
^ because of that, you don't want to get on my bad side. Once I hate you, I HATE you.
Thursday, September 25, 2014
I don't know, kind of feeling bitter.
As my title suggests, I am kind of feeling bitter and emotional right now. No, it is not that time of the month although this could have something to do with me only sleeping for 4 hours monday night and then only sleeping for 2.5 tuesday night (it is now wednesday).
I am not very functional when I don't get enough sleep and I am hungry. I don't know what to do anymore. I guess I just need a really good cry to get every emotion out of my system, isn't that the girly thing to do?
What is even my life right now? I don't know what's going on. I don't know what to do. I just don't know. There are people giving me opinions and advice and it's not that I don't want to listen to it or that it's bad advice (because it's actually really logical and good advice). I am just not the type of girl that thinks about the future (and when I do, I get upset and I feel like puking. It's sort of like anxiety).
I know I am being kind of vague, but things were said that just brought up old emotions (old painful emotions) that I would just not like to think about or feel. I really just don't want to be hurt again but when my friends gave me advice, I felt like I was drowning and just digging myself a deeper hole. I am kind of over thinking things and letting my feelings get the best of me.
This all is just a jumbled mess, but I have to have somewhere to get it out and this is the place. I don't really know what I am going to do. I don't really know what I am going to say but I hope this all works out for the sake of everyone involved. I am just soooo stressed right now that I don't even want to think of anything but homework.
That's when you know you've got it bad. When you actually focus on homework in order to distract yourself from something. I just don't even know anymore. My friends are pressuring me into talking to him and it just stresses me out because I am not his girlfriend and what we have to talk about is sort of like defining the relationship even though we already told each other what we wanted.
Oh my goodness. I am just so stressing right now I practically feel like crying whenever I think of this. OMG. I could totally get friend zoned too. I am just scared out of my mind and nervous as to what will happen. Maybe I will speak more on this later.
I am not very functional when I don't get enough sleep and I am hungry. I don't know what to do anymore. I guess I just need a really good cry to get every emotion out of my system, isn't that the girly thing to do?
What is even my life right now? I don't know what's going on. I don't know what to do. I just don't know. There are people giving me opinions and advice and it's not that I don't want to listen to it or that it's bad advice (because it's actually really logical and good advice). I am just not the type of girl that thinks about the future (and when I do, I get upset and I feel like puking. It's sort of like anxiety).
I know I am being kind of vague, but things were said that just brought up old emotions (old painful emotions) that I would just not like to think about or feel. I really just don't want to be hurt again but when my friends gave me advice, I felt like I was drowning and just digging myself a deeper hole. I am kind of over thinking things and letting my feelings get the best of me.
This all is just a jumbled mess, but I have to have somewhere to get it out and this is the place. I don't really know what I am going to do. I don't really know what I am going to say but I hope this all works out for the sake of everyone involved. I am just soooo stressed right now that I don't even want to think of anything but homework.
That's when you know you've got it bad. When you actually focus on homework in order to distract yourself from something. I just don't even know anymore. My friends are pressuring me into talking to him and it just stresses me out because I am not his girlfriend and what we have to talk about is sort of like defining the relationship even though we already told each other what we wanted.
Oh my goodness. I am just so stressing right now I practically feel like crying whenever I think of this. OMG. I could totally get friend zoned too. I am just scared out of my mind and nervous as to what will happen. Maybe I will speak more on this later.
Saturday, May 10, 2014
Deep Ass Question #6
6. You are walking down the street on your way to work. There is a dog drowning in the canal on the side of the street. Your boss has told you if you are late even once more, you are fired. Do you take the time to save the dogs life? Why or Why not?
This would really depend on a number of factors. I would love to try and save a dog that was drowning, but I can't really swim that well.... sooooo..... I would probably drown as well..... I am not really sure what I would do. I could always attempt to, but I would be terrified of drowning myself. It isn't really helpful if I drown with the dog. I don't know. I would probably try and help with a flotation device or tell someone else next to me or call the police or something. I am not sure. I could always try and explain to my boss but it isn't always guaranteed that they will even understand.
This question calls into whether I care about myself more or the welfare of an animal. I am not cruel, but I am not kind either. I would really have to be put in that situation in order to truly know what I would do.
This would really depend on a number of factors. I would love to try and save a dog that was drowning, but I can't really swim that well.... sooooo..... I would probably drown as well..... I am not really sure what I would do. I could always attempt to, but I would be terrified of drowning myself. It isn't really helpful if I drown with the dog. I don't know. I would probably try and help with a flotation device or tell someone else next to me or call the police or something. I am not sure. I could always try and explain to my boss but it isn't always guaranteed that they will even understand.
This question calls into whether I care about myself more or the welfare of an animal. I am not cruel, but I am not kind either. I would really have to be put in that situation in order to truly know what I would do.
Sunday, February 23, 2014
Tumblr Thoughts
So I stumbled on this quote while I was on tumblr and thought I would discuss it on this wonderful and terribly inactive blog. College is hard. College is stressful. College makes me want to scream in frustration.
The quote is:
“I wonder who’s arms would I run and fall into if I were drunk in a room with everyone I have ever loved”
I am going to change that last word to liked because I haven't really loved many people. This got me thinking though. I was kind of put into that situation recently. Just kinda... ok, not really... Yeah, totally not really. Ok, scratch that.
Anyways. If I was drunk, I would probably go around and just fall into the arms of each and every single guy. I mean when I am a bit tipsy, apparently I LOVE to hug people. If you know me, that's like a complete 180. I do not enjoy touching strangers or hugging in general. It was really weird because at a party I was totally just asking every guy who walked through the door to just give me a hug.
But really. In reality, if I was drunk I would hug every guy there. As for who I would just like follow around, that would really depend. I mean there are guys that I liked for a really really really long time (like 5 years+ long) and there are some guys that I have thought were really really really attractive and I may have liked them for a little bit. When it comes down to it, I would probably just chose the guy that I came with... but I really wouldn't know. Could I really stop myself from going to the one person that made me feel for a little bit of my life or the guy that I liked for a really long time but has an awesome girlfriend right now? I don't know. I am kind of sensible when I am drunk so I would probably (and I say probably because I am really not that sure) NOT go back to the one guy that broke my heart because to be honest, he was a jerk and I kinda don't like him at like all right now. I probably wouldn't fall into the arms of the guy that I used to like for a really long time because I just want to be his friend now. I don't want anything to happen with him. I just want to finally become his friend again.
As for the guys that I may actually fall into. There is a guy. He's nice. I don't know if I like him. I don't know if things will happen, but I absolutely love his personality and I know he would take care of me if he wasn't wasted himself. He's awesome, but just a little too outgoing for me. He has a bunch of girls and to be honest we're friends. I could see things happening, but I don't really know if I want things to happen or not (probably not... but he's probably the most likely guy I would go to). Then there is another guy. The guy who rejected me when I tried to dance with him. SO embarrassing by the way and a total confidence killer. Haha, I took a chance and got shot down, not really something I want to try again... but I would love to get to know him more if I had the chance.
You know, looking back, I have really really changed as a person but I will leave that to another blog post.
Till next time fellow non-socialites.
The quote is:
“I wonder who’s arms would I run and fall into if I were drunk in a room with everyone I have ever loved”
I am going to change that last word to liked because I haven't really loved many people. This got me thinking though. I was kind of put into that situation recently. Just kinda... ok, not really... Yeah, totally not really. Ok, scratch that.
Anyways. If I was drunk, I would probably go around and just fall into the arms of each and every single guy. I mean when I am a bit tipsy, apparently I LOVE to hug people. If you know me, that's like a complete 180. I do not enjoy touching strangers or hugging in general. It was really weird because at a party I was totally just asking every guy who walked through the door to just give me a hug.
But really. In reality, if I was drunk I would hug every guy there. As for who I would just like follow around, that would really depend. I mean there are guys that I liked for a really really really long time (like 5 years+ long) and there are some guys that I have thought were really really really attractive and I may have liked them for a little bit. When it comes down to it, I would probably just chose the guy that I came with... but I really wouldn't know. Could I really stop myself from going to the one person that made me feel for a little bit of my life or the guy that I liked for a really long time but has an awesome girlfriend right now? I don't know. I am kind of sensible when I am drunk so I would probably (and I say probably because I am really not that sure) NOT go back to the one guy that broke my heart because to be honest, he was a jerk and I kinda don't like him at like all right now. I probably wouldn't fall into the arms of the guy that I used to like for a really long time because I just want to be his friend now. I don't want anything to happen with him. I just want to finally become his friend again.
As for the guys that I may actually fall into. There is a guy. He's nice. I don't know if I like him. I don't know if things will happen, but I absolutely love his personality and I know he would take care of me if he wasn't wasted himself. He's awesome, but just a little too outgoing for me. He has a bunch of girls and to be honest we're friends. I could see things happening, but I don't really know if I want things to happen or not (probably not... but he's probably the most likely guy I would go to). Then there is another guy. The guy who rejected me when I tried to dance with him. SO embarrassing by the way and a total confidence killer. Haha, I took a chance and got shot down, not really something I want to try again... but I would love to get to know him more if I had the chance.
You know, looking back, I have really really changed as a person but I will leave that to another blog post.
Till next time fellow non-socialites.
Monday, November 18, 2013
It's been a while
Yes, I know it's been quite the long time. It's now november of 2013. I have been in college since august and I must say that most of the time I hate it here.
*lolz* I almost forgot how to put an enter in this blog post.
College is not as I expected. To be honest, I really thought I would have had a different experience. By reading my blog posts, you all probably know how big of an introvert I am (and trust me, I am a huge introvert) and the college that I am at isn't a great place for an introvert.
I expected to make more friends honestly. People say that the friends you make in college are the ones that stick with you for the rest of your life. Well I have no new friends right now and honestly, I am getting tired of some of the ones that I do have. I wanted to be more social but there are specific things that are keeping me from being who I really want to be.
I just don't want to be friends with those blond white girls with the Uggs and leggings, the ones who are just there to party.Since I am at such a big party school... I am just hoping that the partiers end up dropping out or transferring to another school because I don't really want to deal with them. Even though I myself want to party doesn't mean that I will go out every single weekend and get fucked up. That's not me. I never want to black out. I never want to wake up and not remember what is happening (but this topic is for another time).
Back to my point though. College is really not what I expected. Maybe it's because I lost the chance of going to a really great school (or a more prestigious school).
*Side Note* I am loving my room mate. Honestly, sometimes I like her more than my best friend. I am so used to her now that I am really going to be sad when she transfers to another school. But to the point. She said something that made me realize that I could have been at better places with better people.
She told me that I could have gotten into a way better school. Just by hearing my work ethnic and living with me, a complete stranger can tell me that I could have done great things makes me feel really regretful about some of the advantages that I didn't take part in.
Here are a list of things I should have done. Maybe this will help you guys who are younger
1. I probably should have taken the SAT. I know I would have done well. It's not because I am arrogant, it's just that I always do really well on standardized tests. I got a 30 on my ACT when my practice ACT predicted a 27 (and I didn't study for this test like AT ALL). I could have done really well on my SAT if I did take it. This is one of my biggest regrets. If I took the SAT I could have applied to schools in California (which is where I really wanted to go). I took the ACT but I did not take it with writing. If I had the chance to go back, I would have just sucked it up and drove all the way to the school that was offering the SAT.
2. I wish I would have been more involved with my school. I really wasn't involved at all with my school. I didn't play any sports (and I would have if I didn't have a job). I really wanted to be on the tennis team but I was too shy to even try. I don't know. I could have been in things like class leadership or been a backstage person for plays or something that would have made me more well rounded or given me experiences for scholarships. I really just went to school and went home. That was basically my whole high school career right there.
3. I sort of wish I applied to more school. I only applied to three schools and the sister school of one of these schools. I really should have applied to more prestigious schools. Maybe I could have gotten in then gotten a lot of scholar ships. That would have been awesome. I could be at a really awesome school instead of here with people I don't like and frankly don't want to be around.
4. I definitely wish I would have done more research on the school that I am going to now. I probably would have chosen a completely different resident hall. I should have done more research instead of blindly following a friend because ultimately that is a bad thing. Never do something just because your friend is doing it. Ultimately, you have to live with your choices. I am not happy with this resident hall. I could have been in a much nicer place or could have just commuted because I haven't made any friends. I should have looked into the cost of going to here versus the other places I had in mind. I wish I would have done additional research on the places that I wanted to go to out of state.
There are plenty more regret I have about my college experience but I am only going to write about those 4. I'll probably write more about college later because it's really bringing me down. All these regrets just make me sad, but I made my choices and now I have to live with them.
On the less sad side... I do have one choice that I was and still am very happy about making.
I am SO glad that I chose not to be room mates with anyone I knew. It's great being room mates with a best friend but eventually I get tired of people. Being around a person too much makes me sick of them. I would probably hate my best friend by this point. Living with someone that you're friends with is just not a good idea, especially if you're going to be in your room all the time. Honestly, I love my current room mate and she's the best match for me. I would have had a lot of problems if I was paired up with anyone else on my floor. I am so glad that I didn't cave in and live with my best friend. I am so glad that I chose to live with a stranger instead. I am SO glad that said stranger respects my need for quiet and time to myself. She doesn't judge me, in fact we have so much more in common.
My room mate and I have had so many conversations. I have shared so much of my life with her. She's awesome and I really really really hope that we can remain friends after she transfers.
The only reason I am still at this college and will continue to be in this college is because of money. I am not paying as much as other people for this lovely college experience. This college would have cost around 13000 a semester to attend. I got about 3500 for a grant. I got a 4,400 academic scholarship. I got 2000 dollars from another grant. 1,800 for work study (which I still don't understand how it works). Then I got an esteemed scholarship for 2,500. I am currently 10,000 in loans and had to pay 1,500 out of my own bank account in order to go here. This really isn't a lot compared to other people and I am lucky to be going here for so little.
Money is basically stopping me from going somewhere I really want to go. I would definitely transfer to a California school if I could. Hell, I would even go to the other side of the country if I could.
*lolz* I almost forgot how to put an enter in this blog post.
College is not as I expected. To be honest, I really thought I would have had a different experience. By reading my blog posts, you all probably know how big of an introvert I am (and trust me, I am a huge introvert) and the college that I am at isn't a great place for an introvert.
I expected to make more friends honestly. People say that the friends you make in college are the ones that stick with you for the rest of your life. Well I have no new friends right now and honestly, I am getting tired of some of the ones that I do have. I wanted to be more social but there are specific things that are keeping me from being who I really want to be.
I just don't want to be friends with those blond white girls with the Uggs and leggings, the ones who are just there to party.Since I am at such a big party school... I am just hoping that the partiers end up dropping out or transferring to another school because I don't really want to deal with them. Even though I myself want to party doesn't mean that I will go out every single weekend and get fucked up. That's not me. I never want to black out. I never want to wake up and not remember what is happening (but this topic is for another time).
Back to my point though. College is really not what I expected. Maybe it's because I lost the chance of going to a really great school (or a more prestigious school).
*Side Note* I am loving my room mate. Honestly, sometimes I like her more than my best friend. I am so used to her now that I am really going to be sad when she transfers to another school. But to the point. She said something that made me realize that I could have been at better places with better people.
She told me that I could have gotten into a way better school. Just by hearing my work ethnic and living with me, a complete stranger can tell me that I could have done great things makes me feel really regretful about some of the advantages that I didn't take part in.
Here are a list of things I should have done. Maybe this will help you guys who are younger
1. I probably should have taken the SAT. I know I would have done well. It's not because I am arrogant, it's just that I always do really well on standardized tests. I got a 30 on my ACT when my practice ACT predicted a 27 (and I didn't study for this test like AT ALL). I could have done really well on my SAT if I did take it. This is one of my biggest regrets. If I took the SAT I could have applied to schools in California (which is where I really wanted to go). I took the ACT but I did not take it with writing. If I had the chance to go back, I would have just sucked it up and drove all the way to the school that was offering the SAT.
2. I wish I would have been more involved with my school. I really wasn't involved at all with my school. I didn't play any sports (and I would have if I didn't have a job). I really wanted to be on the tennis team but I was too shy to even try. I don't know. I could have been in things like class leadership or been a backstage person for plays or something that would have made me more well rounded or given me experiences for scholarships. I really just went to school and went home. That was basically my whole high school career right there.
3. I sort of wish I applied to more school. I only applied to three schools and the sister school of one of these schools. I really should have applied to more prestigious schools. Maybe I could have gotten in then gotten a lot of scholar ships. That would have been awesome. I could be at a really awesome school instead of here with people I don't like and frankly don't want to be around.
4. I definitely wish I would have done more research on the school that I am going to now. I probably would have chosen a completely different resident hall. I should have done more research instead of blindly following a friend because ultimately that is a bad thing. Never do something just because your friend is doing it. Ultimately, you have to live with your choices. I am not happy with this resident hall. I could have been in a much nicer place or could have just commuted because I haven't made any friends. I should have looked into the cost of going to here versus the other places I had in mind. I wish I would have done additional research on the places that I wanted to go to out of state.
There are plenty more regret I have about my college experience but I am only going to write about those 4. I'll probably write more about college later because it's really bringing me down. All these regrets just make me sad, but I made my choices and now I have to live with them.
On the less sad side... I do have one choice that I was and still am very happy about making.
I am SO glad that I chose not to be room mates with anyone I knew. It's great being room mates with a best friend but eventually I get tired of people. Being around a person too much makes me sick of them. I would probably hate my best friend by this point. Living with someone that you're friends with is just not a good idea, especially if you're going to be in your room all the time. Honestly, I love my current room mate and she's the best match for me. I would have had a lot of problems if I was paired up with anyone else on my floor. I am so glad that I didn't cave in and live with my best friend. I am so glad that I chose to live with a stranger instead. I am SO glad that said stranger respects my need for quiet and time to myself. She doesn't judge me, in fact we have so much more in common.
My room mate and I have had so many conversations. I have shared so much of my life with her. She's awesome and I really really really hope that we can remain friends after she transfers.
The only reason I am still at this college and will continue to be in this college is because of money. I am not paying as much as other people for this lovely college experience. This college would have cost around 13000 a semester to attend. I got about 3500 for a grant. I got a 4,400 academic scholarship. I got 2000 dollars from another grant. 1,800 for work study (which I still don't understand how it works). Then I got an esteemed scholarship for 2,500. I am currently 10,000 in loans and had to pay 1,500 out of my own bank account in order to go here. This really isn't a lot compared to other people and I am lucky to be going here for so little.
Money is basically stopping me from going somewhere I really want to go. I would definitely transfer to a California school if I could. Hell, I would even go to the other side of the country if I could.
Wednesday, July 31, 2013
Holla
Well, it's been a while but things just don't happen to me.
I guess I shall temporarily use this blog as a way to do answer things that I find on tumblr?
I guess since nothing has happened to me (besides maybe liking another person? Idk yet so....) I shall go ahead and do some random posts on things I find on tumblr. That's probably going to be a majority of my new posts until something actually happens? idk yet.
Man, I know nothing. My whole life is up in the air right now. Let's just do this. ABOUT ME
► Name ➔ Felicia
► Will you answer all questions truthfully ➔ Yes
► Are you single ➔ Yes
► Are you happy ➔ meh
► Are you bored ➔ yes
► Are you sad ➔ Meh?
► Are you Italian ➔ No
► Are you German ➔ No
► Are you Asian ➔ Yes and proud of it
► Are you angry ➔ noo? at least not right now?
► Are you Irish ➔ No
► Are your parents still married ➔ Yes
TEN FACTS
► Birth Place ➔ US of A. To be more specific, Colorado?
► Hair Color ➔ Black, straight up. Darkest hair out of most of my sisters
► Birthday ➔ June 27th
► Mood ➔ tired and excited :)
► Gender ➔ Female
► Lefty or Righty ➔ Righty
► Summer or winter ➔ mostly summer, but sometimes winter
► Morning or afternoon ➔ Afternoon I guess
TEN THINGS ABOUT YOUR LOVE LIFE
► Are you in love ➔ No
► Do you believe in love at first sight ➔ kinda
► Who ended your last relationship ➔ A jerk
► Have you ever been hurt ➔ Yes
► Have you ever broken someone’s heart ➔ maybe?? probably? I don't know?
► Are you friends with your ex ➔ *ahem* refer to the jerk (no)
► Are you afraid of commitment ➔ Absolutely not
► Have you hugged someone within the last week? ➔ Yes, tons of people (tons in my opinion, like 5 in others)
► Have you ever had a secret admirer ➔ Yes? If by secret you mean they never told me but I figured it out then yes
► Have you ever broken your own heart? ➔ how does that work?
TEN CHOICES
► Love or lust ➔ Love
► Lemonade or iced tea ➔ Iced tea
► Cats or Dogs ➔ Both..... but if it comes down to it, dogs
► A few best friends or many regular friends ➔ few best
► Television or internet ➔ Internet... duh
► Pepsi or Coke ➔ Coke
► Wild night out or romantic night in ➔ Romantic night in
► Day or night ➔ Night
► IM or Phone ➔ IM
TEN HAVE YOU EVER ► Been caught sneaking out ➔ No, not by my parents
► Fallen off the stairs ➔ yes
► White water rafted ➔ No
► Finished an entire jawbreaker ➔ yes, one of those smaller ones
► Wanted something/someone so badly it hurt? ➔ Yes
► Prank called a store ➔ No
► Skipped school ➔ I skipped a class once.... but not an entire day of school
► Wanted to disappear ➔ Yes
TEN PREFERENCES
► Smile or eyes ➔ smile
► Light or dark hair ➔ Dark hair
► Fat or skinny ➔ Skinny
► Shorter or Taller ➔ taller, way taller please?
► Intelligence or Attraction ➔ attraction?? i guess
►Jock or Nerd ➔ nerd
► Hook-up or Relationship ➔ Relationship
► Funny and poor OR rich and serious ➔ Funny and poor
LAST
► Last Phone Call ➔ umm, my sister
► Last phone call you received ➔ my cousin
► Last person you hung out with ➔ my friend
► Last thing you ate ➔ fries
► Last thing you drank ➔ coke
► Last site you went to ➔ tumblr
► Last place you were ➔ work
RELATIONSHIPS
► Are you in a committed relationship ➔ No
► When was your last relationship ➔ hmmm.... ended junior year... I am now almost a freshman in college... so almost 2 years?
► Have you ever loved a guy/girl more than anything else in the world? ➔ yes
► Do you still love them ➔ no, lol. That's funny.
► Do you like someone right now ➔ I don’t even know.... maybe? How can I tell if I like him because they're nice to me or if I really really do like him?
I just don't even know right now.
FAMILY
► Do you and your family get along ➔ haha. no.
► Would you say you have a “messed up life”➔ yup
► Have you ever run away from home ➔ No, but i've wanted to.... really really badly
► Have you ever gotten kicked out ➔ Yes, I was threatened with that.
► If so, how long ➔ Didn't happen
FRIENDS ► Do you secretly hate one of your friends ➔ Yes, like a bunch of them. Once I tire of you, I get super tired of you and hate you for a while.
► Do you consider all of your friends good friends ➔ No, absolutely not. I have like 2 best friends.
► Would you die for them ➔ For my friends? no. For my BEST friends? Absolutely.
► Who knows everything about you ➔ No one
Yup, that's it. Some facts about a stranger.
I guess I shall temporarily use this blog as a way to do answer things that I find on tumblr?
I guess since nothing has happened to me (besides maybe liking another person? Idk yet so....) I shall go ahead and do some random posts on things I find on tumblr. That's probably going to be a majority of my new posts until something actually happens? idk yet.
Man, I know nothing. My whole life is up in the air right now. Let's just do this. ABOUT ME
► Name ➔ Felicia
► Will you answer all questions truthfully ➔ Yes
► Are you single ➔ Yes
► Are you happy ➔ meh
► Are you bored ➔ yes
► Are you sad ➔ Meh?
► Are you Italian ➔ No
► Are you German ➔ No
► Are you Asian ➔ Yes and proud of it
► Are you angry ➔ noo? at least not right now?
► Are you Irish ➔ No
► Are your parents still married ➔ Yes
TEN FACTS
► Birth Place ➔ US of A. To be more specific, Colorado?
► Hair Color ➔ Black, straight up. Darkest hair out of most of my sisters
► Birthday ➔ June 27th
► Mood ➔ tired and excited :)
► Gender ➔ Female
► Lefty or Righty ➔ Righty
► Summer or winter ➔ mostly summer, but sometimes winter
► Morning or afternoon ➔ Afternoon I guess
TEN THINGS ABOUT YOUR LOVE LIFE
► Are you in love ➔ No
► Do you believe in love at first sight ➔ kinda
► Who ended your last relationship ➔ A jerk
► Have you ever been hurt ➔ Yes
► Have you ever broken someone’s heart ➔ maybe?? probably? I don't know?
► Are you friends with your ex ➔ *ahem* refer to the jerk (no)
► Are you afraid of commitment ➔ Absolutely not
► Have you hugged someone within the last week? ➔ Yes, tons of people (tons in my opinion, like 5 in others)
► Have you ever had a secret admirer ➔ Yes? If by secret you mean they never told me but I figured it out then yes
► Have you ever broken your own heart? ➔ how does that work?
TEN CHOICES
► Love or lust ➔ Love
► Lemonade or iced tea ➔ Iced tea
► Cats or Dogs ➔ Both..... but if it comes down to it, dogs
► A few best friends or many regular friends ➔ few best
► Television or internet ➔ Internet... duh
► Pepsi or Coke ➔ Coke
► Wild night out or romantic night in ➔ Romantic night in
► Day or night ➔ Night
► IM or Phone ➔ IM
TEN HAVE YOU EVER ► Been caught sneaking out ➔ No, not by my parents
► Fallen off the stairs ➔ yes
► White water rafted ➔ No
► Finished an entire jawbreaker ➔ yes, one of those smaller ones
► Wanted something/someone so badly it hurt? ➔ Yes
► Prank called a store ➔ No
► Skipped school ➔ I skipped a class once.... but not an entire day of school
► Wanted to disappear ➔ Yes
TEN PREFERENCES
► Smile or eyes ➔ smile
► Light or dark hair ➔ Dark hair
► Fat or skinny ➔ Skinny
► Shorter or Taller ➔ taller, way taller please?
► Intelligence or Attraction ➔ attraction?? i guess
►Jock or Nerd ➔ nerd
► Hook-up or Relationship ➔ Relationship
► Funny and poor OR rich and serious ➔ Funny and poor
LAST
► Last Phone Call ➔ umm, my sister
► Last phone call you received ➔ my cousin
► Last person you hung out with ➔ my friend
► Last thing you ate ➔ fries
► Last thing you drank ➔ coke
► Last site you went to ➔ tumblr
► Last place you were ➔ work
RELATIONSHIPS
► Are you in a committed relationship ➔ No
► When was your last relationship ➔ hmmm.... ended junior year... I am now almost a freshman in college... so almost 2 years?
► Have you ever loved a guy/girl more than anything else in the world? ➔ yes
► Do you still love them ➔ no, lol. That's funny.
► Do you like someone right now ➔ I don’t even know.... maybe? How can I tell if I like him because they're nice to me or if I really really do like him?
I just don't even know right now.
FAMILY
► Do you and your family get along ➔ haha. no.
► Would you say you have a “messed up life”➔ yup
► Have you ever run away from home ➔ No, but i've wanted to.... really really badly
► Have you ever gotten kicked out ➔ Yes, I was threatened with that.
► If so, how long ➔ Didn't happen
FRIENDS ► Do you secretly hate one of your friends ➔ Yes, like a bunch of them. Once I tire of you, I get super tired of you and hate you for a while.
► Do you consider all of your friends good friends ➔ No, absolutely not. I have like 2 best friends.
► Would you die for them ➔ For my friends? no. For my BEST friends? Absolutely.
► Who knows everything about you ➔ No one
Yup, that's it. Some facts about a stranger.
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