I shouldn't care. I just shouldn't, but i do. I'm so hurt. I'm a horrible person for hoping that you don't last. I'm a horrible person for hoping, just hoping that you would take me back. I know i shouldn't think like this. Especially since everyone is saying he is a douche and doesn't deserve me. Other people say that, but i don't think that. Not right now. Not while i'm sitting here, trying to get my feelings into words while you're out gallivanting with another girl. I hope she makes you happy. I hope she doesn't. I want you to be happy, just happy with me. I hate this feeling. This feeling that I was not good enough for him. For that one guy who was a jerk to me. I'm just an insecure person. I wish i had the strength to not feel like this. My friends are so supportive. They actually think i have the strength to get through this. Why can't i have the same faith in me as my friends? Right now, i'm so weak. I cry so much because every single time i think about him, it hurts. It brings tears to my eyes. It just freaking sucks. But these blogs do help. It gives me a person to talk to. Especially since i don't have a lot of followers, and i know they don't read my posts. This is basically like a non-judgmental friend that is here for me to spill everything to. It's like a private diary. Plus, it's pretty anonymous for me. No one knows who the person behind NINJA INC. is. The only way to know is if they know me personally and know who mentions ninja inc a lot. It's like i'm revealing things to myself. Writing these posts give me a chance to release what i hold inside so that i don't explode in a rampage.
The thing is, I still care about him so much. I highly doubt there will be a day when i stop caring about him. He wasn't just a boyfriend. He was my best friend. Someone who knew almost everything about me (I am not going to reveal my habits, they are just really weird). But, at the time, he was my best friend. I was close to some of my other best friends, but i was the closest with him. One day he just took away that friendship. We went from talking every single day, every. single. day. and now we don't. I'm so pathetic (i'll just explain that on its own, it would take way to long for me to explain that in this post). I also want to explain "what ifs" (in another post). Ugh, i'm probably just depressed. I need another guy in my life. Another guy who will treat me right. But at the same time, i don't want any other guy besides him. He's different (yet another explanation in another post, i hope). He's always been different for me. I just don't want to lose him. I know that when he goes to college next year, i will lose him. I will lose him to those girls who are willing to do anything. It'll just break my heart all over again because i'm waiting for something that will never come. I'm waiting endlessly. I probably won't get over him in the next month. I'm probably NEVER going to be over him. He was my first relationship, my first love, my very first and it was so so special. I'll never stop caring for him. Maybe (hopefully) i will stop caring about him as a boyfriend, but i will never stop caring for him as a friend. It just seems that he stopped caring for me. He moved on. He's happy (I hope). It's just me. It's just me who is sitting here all depressed, talking to myself through my blog. It's so pathetic. I'm so pathetic. I even try to have fun, but it doesn't work. Everything reminds me of him. Am i just supposed to get rid of everything? I can't do that now can i? UGH! I'm so frustrated with myself. Why can't i move on? Why can't i be a different person?
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