There is one word that comes close to describing how I feel, but does not completely encase it. That word is stressed.
There are so many pressures put upon my shoulders right now that it isn't even fathomable how I have not been crushed by my load right now. I have so many emotional issues and so many actual things to do but what I actually do is nothing. There isn't much I can do to fix my emotional issues. It's not like I can heal my brain (and asians don't believe in depression and such... at least my family doesn't).
It's not like I can tell my brain to stop being so sad all the time, to stop thinking about people and move onto better things can it? If anyone knows how to control my brain then please inform me because I do not need this sadness in my life right now.
Sometimes, I can cry with all this pressure, with all the thoughts going through my head. I'm crying right now actually because I don't want to deal with growing up, moving on, gaining freedom, everything. All this pressure is getting to me and messing with my brain.
When I'm stressed, I can't help but to think of the past. I can't help pulling up past memories of people I used to know. I can't help pulling up past relationships, past friendships, past opportunities that I missed, past everything. You see... when there is enough stress on my plate, I live in the past. I think about "M" who used to be my best friend. Who used to be so close to me and yet she is one of the people I hate most right now. Isn't it funny how that happens?
I can't help thinking about A and what could have happened if I told him how I actually feel. How I felt from 3rd to 5th grade, 7-8th grade, and perhaps even high school. I can't help thinking of the possible relationship that we would have had and whether he would have broken my heart or not. I really hope not because I have had enough heartbreak to last me for a while.
And lastly, I think of him. The person who has hurt me the most. I don't know why thoughts of this terrible terrible jerk comes into my mind when I am extremely stressed. I don't know why I continue to torture myself with his memories. I can't even begin to describe how frustrating this is. I wish I could just forget, but life doesn't work that way. No matter how hard I try, I can't forget.
I can't forget about my ex-best friend who I used to care about and now I hate. I can't forget about the person that could have been my first love or my first heartbreak or maybe a little bit of both, but at least could have been my friend. and last, I can't forget about my first actual heartbreak. I can't forget the person who put me though so much pain, who still is.
I just can't forget, no matter how hard I try.
Right now, I am watching a drama called "The Innocent Man" and I am quite envious of Eun Gi. *SPOILER ALERT* she gets to forget everything. She gets to have a car crash and forget. She gets to forget all the pain and sadness. How I wish I could a restart with my memories. Maybe I would finally get some peace. Maybe I can even be happy for a little bit.
No matter how much I want to forget, there are always the things that I don't. I don't ever want to forget my current best friend because she is amazing. I don't want to forget the friendship that took 5 years to build. I don't want to forget her....
but sometimes I ask myself if it's worth it. If remembering this one bright sun in my life is worth all the pain that I have within my brain and ultimately the pain within my heart? Sometimes, on a good day, I would say yes. All my memories with her, with N and possibly with D are all worth this pain that I am feeling right now.
and on days like this... On nights like this, I am willing to give up my life to stop this (what seems like) endless waves of pain. Never would I have ever thought that I would be sitting in my bedroom alone and crying my eyes out wishing for a better life. I didn't think I had it that bad, but sometimes it feels terrible.
and I just deal with it, this pain. I have kept it all in until one night I just break down and rant all my problems through this blog. There are those meaningless posts about random stuff within this blog. There are days where I just want to write something for this blog.
But there are also those days where this blog is my medicine. It's what keeps me going. It is an outlet. It is MY outlet for things that I can't tell anyone, for all the pain that I experience, and all the feelings that I have kept inside for so long.
This blog is my way of dealing. This blog is my medicine.
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