It's been a while

Yes, I know it's been quite the long time. It's now november of 2013. I have been in college since august and I must say that most of the time I hate it here.

*lolz* I almost forgot how to put an enter in this blog post.

College is not as I expected. To be honest, I really thought I would have had a different experience. By reading my blog posts, you all probably know how big of an introvert I am (and trust me, I am a huge introvert) and the college that I am at isn't a great place for an introvert.

I expected to make more friends honestly. People say that the friends you make in college are the ones that stick with you for the rest of your life. Well I have no new friends right now and honestly, I am getting tired of some of the ones that I do have. I wanted to be more social but there are specific things that are keeping me from being who I really want to be.

I just don't want to be friends with those blond white girls with the Uggs and leggings, the ones who are just there to party.Since I am at such a big party school... I am just hoping that the partiers end up dropping out or transferring to another school because I don't really want to deal with them. Even though I myself want to party doesn't mean that I will go out every single weekend and get fucked up. That's not me. I never want to black out. I never want to wake up and not remember what is happening (but this topic is for another time).

Back to my point though. College is really not what I expected. Maybe it's because I lost the chance of going to a really great school (or a more prestigious school).

*Side Note* I am loving my room mate. Honestly, sometimes I like her more than my best friend. I am so used to her now that I am really going to be sad when she transfers to another school. But to the point. She said something that made me realize that I could have been at better places with better people.

She told me that I could have gotten into a way better school. Just by hearing my work ethnic and living with me, a complete stranger can tell me that I could have done great things makes me feel really regretful about some of the advantages that I didn't take part in.

Here are a list of things I should have done. Maybe this will help you guys who are younger

1. I probably should have taken the SAT. I know I would have done well. It's not because I am arrogant, it's just that I always do really well on standardized tests. I got a 30 on my ACT when my practice ACT predicted a 27 (and I didn't study for this test like AT ALL). I could have done really well on my SAT if I did take it. This is one of my biggest regrets. If I took the SAT I could have applied to schools in California (which is where I really wanted to go). I took the ACT but I did not take it with writing. If I had the chance to go back, I would have just sucked it up and drove all the way to the school that was offering the SAT.

2. I wish I would have been more involved with my school. I really wasn't involved at all with my school. I didn't play any sports (and I would have if I didn't have a job). I really wanted to be on the tennis team but I was too shy to even try. I don't know. I could have been in things like class leadership or been a backstage person for plays or something that would have made me more well rounded or given me experiences for scholarships. I really just went to school and went home. That was basically my whole high school career right there.

3. I sort of wish I applied to more school. I only applied to three schools and the sister school of one of these schools. I really should have applied to more prestigious schools. Maybe I could have gotten in then gotten a lot of scholar ships. That would have been awesome. I could be at a really awesome school instead of here with people I don't like and frankly don't want to be around.

4. I definitely wish I would have done more research on the school that I am going to now. I probably would have chosen a completely different resident hall. I should have done more research instead of blindly following a friend because ultimately that is a bad thing. Never do something just because your friend is doing it. Ultimately, you have to live with your choices. I am not happy with this resident hall. I could have been in a much nicer place or could have just commuted because I haven't made any friends. I should have looked into the cost of going to here versus the other places I had in mind. I wish I would have done additional research on the places that I wanted to go to out of state.

There are plenty more regret I have about my college experience but I am only going to write about those 4. I'll probably write more about college later because it's really bringing me down. All these regrets just make me sad, but I made my choices and now I have to live with them.

On the less sad side... I do have one choice that I was and still am very happy about making.

I am SO glad that I chose not to be room mates with anyone I knew. It's great being room mates with a best friend but eventually I get tired of people. Being around a person too much makes me sick of them. I would probably hate my best friend by this point. Living with someone that you're friends with is just not a good idea, especially if you're going to be in your room all the time. Honestly, I love my current room mate and she's the best match for me. I would have had a lot of problems if I was paired up with anyone else on my floor. I am so glad that I didn't cave in and live with my best friend. I am so glad that I chose to live with a stranger instead. I am SO glad that said stranger respects my need for quiet and time to myself. She doesn't judge me, in fact we have so much more in common.

My room mate and I have had so many conversations. I have shared so much of my life with her. She's awesome and I really really really hope that we can remain friends after she transfers.

The only reason I am still at this college and will continue to be in this college is because of money. I am not paying as much as other people for this lovely college experience. This college would have cost around 13000 a semester to attend. I got about 3500 for a grant. I got a 4,400 academic scholarship. I got 2000 dollars from another grant. 1,800 for work study (which I still don't understand how it works). Then I got an esteemed scholarship for 2,500. I am currently 10,000 in loans and had to pay 1,500 out of my own bank account in order to go here. This really isn't a lot compared to other people and I am lucky to be going here for so little.

Money is basically stopping me from going somewhere I really want to go. I would definitely transfer to a California school if I could. Hell, I would even go to the other side of the country if I could.

Answers to Questions part 2

Here is part two.

52. Are you nice to everyone?
Depends on the person you ask. To some people, I am too nice. To others, I am mean. To myself? I don't really know.

53. Have you ever liked someone you didn’t expect to?
Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. Totally did not expect to like a lot of people that I did like but whatever.

54. Do you think you can last in a relationship for 6 months and not cheat?
Ummm.... considering I was in a relationship with a guy for 15 months without cheating..... yeah.

55. Are you good at hiding your feelings?
Yes, yes I am. I am very good at this.

56. Do you think you like someone?
Honestly? I don't really know anymore.

57. Have you kissed someone whose name starts with a ‘J’?
My baby cousin's name is Jenna but that probably doesn't count.... so no

58. Do you prefer to be friends with girls or boys?
Neither. I don't really like people in general.

59. Has anyone of your friends ever seen you cry?
Yeah, I think in 7th grade and then last year around april.

60. Do you hate anyone?
I hate everyone.

61. How’s your heart?
Broken.

62. Is there something that happened in your past that you hate talking about?
Yeah, a lot of things actually.

63. Have you ever cried over a guy?
Duh. I'm a girl.

64. Who is probably talking a load of crap about you right now?
I don't know.... everybody? to be realistic, probably nobody because very few people notice me.

65. Are your toenails painted pink?
No. They used to be painted red but now they're super chipped.

66. Will your next kiss be a mistake?
I hope not.

67. Girls love it when boyfriends cry; correct?
I guess. I don't know. depends on why they're crying.

68. Have your pants ever fallen down in public?
no.

69. Who was the last person you were on the phone with?
My mom.

70. How do you look right now?
like a freaking slob.

71. Do you have someone you can be your complete self around?
Honestly? No.

72. Can you commit to one person?
Yes, yes I can.

73. Do you have someone of the opposite sex you can tell everything to?
No, not anymore.

74. Have you ever felt replaced?
Yes, a lot actually. It's really easy to replace me.

75. Did you wake up cranky?
Today? No.

76. Are you a jealous person?
Yes, yes i am.

77. Are relationships ever worth it?
I don't know anymore.

78. Anyone you’re giving up on?
Yeah, kind of sad actually but yes.

79. Currently wanting to see anyone?
No, I kind of hate the world at this moment.

80. Name something you have to do tomorrow?
Work.

81. Last person you cried in front of?
does myself count? If not.... probably one of my best friends.

82. Is there someone you will never forget?
Yeah, I probably won't forget him. You know how it is with first love.

83. Do you think the person you have feelings for is protective of you?
No, not at all.

84. If the person you wish to be with were with you, what would you be doing right now?
Freaking out because it probably won't ever happen.

85. Are you over your past?
Honestly, no I am not.

86. Have you ever liked one of your best friends of the opposite sex?
I don't have best friends of the opposite sex.

87. Is there anyone you can tell EVERYTHING to?
Yes, one person.

88. If your first true love knocked on your door with apology and presents, would you accept?
I don't know. I honestly don't know. He hurt me a lot and I don't know if I can ever trust him again. What is a relationship without trust?

89. So, the last person you kissed just happens to arrive at your door at 3AM; do you let them in?
No, hell no. My parents would kill me if he ever knocked on my door at 3am. Heck, I would kill him if he did that.

90. Have you ever liked someone who your friends hated?
Yeah. They didn't hate him at first though.

91. Will you be in a relationship in 2 months?
Probably not. I'm a loner.

92. Is there anyone you know with the name Michael?
Yes, my boss's son's name is Michael.

93. Have you ever kissed a Matthew?
Nope. I've only ever kissed one guy.

94. Were you in a relationship in January? How was it going?
This january? Nope, wasn't in a relationship.

95. Were you happy with the person you liked in March?
Nope. When am I ever happy with the person I like? Do I even like anyone anymore?

96. Don’t tell me lies, is the last person you texted attractive?
YES, absolutely gorgeous. She's my best friend and she's awesome.

97. Who do you have texts from?
Friends

98. If the person you like says they like someone else, what would you say?
I would be heart broken. One the outside I would be like "fuck you, I don't need you" but on the inside I am really like "what's wrong with me?"

99. Have you ever kissed someone older than you?
Yup.

100. Who’s in your profile picture with you?
My bestest buddy.

101. Ever kissed under fireworks?
hmmm...... I don't think so.

102. Has anybody ever given you butterflies?
Yes.

So many questions.

Words cannot explain how I feel right now

There is one word that comes close to describing how I feel, but does not completely encase it. That word is stressed.

There are so many pressures put upon my shoulders right now that it isn't even fathomable how I have not been crushed by my load right now. I have so many emotional issues and so many actual things to do but what I actually do is nothing. There isn't much I can do to fix my emotional issues. It's not like I can heal my brain (and asians don't believe in depression and such... at least my family doesn't).

It's not like I can tell my brain to stop being so sad all the time, to stop thinking about people and move onto better things can it? If anyone knows how to control my brain then please inform me because I do not need this sadness in my life right now.

Sometimes, I can cry with all this pressure, with all the thoughts going through my head. I'm crying right now actually because I don't want to deal with growing up, moving on, gaining freedom, everything. All this pressure is getting to me and messing with my brain.

When I'm stressed, I can't help but to think of the past. I can't help pulling up past memories of people I used to know. I can't help pulling up past relationships, past friendships, past opportunities that I missed, past everything. You see... when there is enough stress on my plate, I live in the past. I think about "M" who used to be my best friend. Who used to be so close to me and yet she is one of the people I hate most right now. Isn't it funny how that happens?

I can't help thinking about A and what could have happened if I told him how I actually feel. How I felt from 3rd to 5th grade, 7-8th grade, and perhaps even high school. I can't help thinking of the possible relationship that we would have had and whether he would have broken my heart or not. I really hope not because I have had enough heartbreak to last me for a while.

And lastly, I think of him. The person who has hurt me the most. I don't know why thoughts of this terrible terrible jerk comes into my mind when I am extremely stressed. I don't know why I continue to torture myself with his memories. I can't even begin to describe how frustrating this is. I wish I could just forget, but life doesn't work that way. No matter how hard I try, I can't forget.

I can't forget about my ex-best friend who I used to care about and now I hate. I can't forget about the person that could have been my first love or my first heartbreak or maybe a little bit of both, but at least could have been my friend. and last, I can't forget about my first actual heartbreak. I can't forget the person who put me though so much pain, who still is.

I just can't forget, no matter how hard I try.



Right now, I am watching a drama called "The Innocent Man" and I am quite envious of Eun Gi. *SPOILER ALERT* she gets to forget everything. She gets to have a car crash and forget. She gets to forget all the pain and sadness. How I wish I could a restart with my memories. Maybe I would finally get some peace. Maybe I can even be happy for a little bit.



No matter how much I want to forget, there are always the things that I don't. I don't ever want to forget my current best friend because she is amazing. I don't want to forget the friendship that took 5 years to build. I don't want to forget her....

but sometimes I ask myself if it's worth it. If remembering this one bright sun in my life is worth all the pain that I have within my brain and ultimately the pain within my heart? Sometimes, on a good day, I would say yes. All my memories with her, with N and possibly with D are all worth this pain that I am feeling right now.

and on days like this... On nights like this, I am willing to give up my life to stop this (what seems like) endless waves of pain. Never would I have ever thought that I would be sitting in my bedroom alone and crying my eyes out wishing for a better life. I didn't think I had it that bad, but sometimes it feels terrible.

and I just deal with it, this pain. I have kept it all in until one night I just break down and rant all my problems through this blog. There are those meaningless posts about random stuff within this blog. There are days where I just want to write something for this blog.



But there are also those days where this blog is my medicine. It's what keeps me going. It is an outlet. It is MY outlet for things that I can't tell anyone, for all the pain that I experience, and all the feelings that I have kept inside for so long.

This blog is my way of dealing. This blog is my medicine.

Rebound?

Well, I think I've come to the conclusion that no matter who I like next, they will be like a rebound. It's been over a year since my ex broke up with me and yet I just can't find the will power to forget about him.

I want another relationship so badly because I miss the feeling of having someone else there for me. I miss all the hugs and kisses, not necessarily from my ex because I am NEVER getting back together with him.

Today, I realized that (probably, I don't really know) the reason I went out with him was because he gave me attention, unlike every other guy that I have even had any interest in. The guys that I have ever been interested never talked to me or anything and I ended up pining after someone who would never give me a chance. I guess I'm re-evaluating everything and that is the conclusion that I've come to.

If the guy I liked actually gave me a chance then I would have never dated my ex and I wouldn't be so desperate for another relationship (because frankly, I am desperate to feel loved again). I'm really in the mood where I feel so alone and I will always be alone. Meh. I am such a complainer. I wish for things but I never have the guts to make them happen.

I guess that makes me a complete social defect. I never have the nerve to do anything. I am always too afraid to talk to that cute guy or to talk to the guy I like. I pine for them from afar and expect them to make the first move because for some reason I feel like they would never feel the same way and if they did then they would make the first move.

I'm just not happy with myself at the moment. I'm always tempted to go up to the person that I do like and just tell him how I feel, but nope. I never do. It's quite sad actually.