Yes, I know it's been quite the long time. It's now november of 2013. I have been in college since august and I must say that most of the time I hate it here.
*lolz* I almost forgot how to put an enter in this blog post.
College is not as I expected. To be honest, I really thought I would have had a different experience. By reading my blog posts, you all probably know how big of an introvert I am (and trust me, I am a huge introvert) and the college that I am at isn't a great place for an introvert.
I expected to make more friends honestly. People say that the friends you make in college are the ones that stick with you for the rest of your life. Well I have no new friends right now and honestly, I am getting tired of some of the ones that I do have. I wanted to be more social but there are specific things that are keeping me from being who I really want to be.
I just don't want to be friends with those blond white girls with the Uggs and leggings, the ones who are just there to party.Since I am at such a big party school... I am just hoping that the partiers end up dropping out or transferring to another school because I don't really want to deal with them. Even though I myself want to party doesn't mean that I will go out every single weekend and get fucked up. That's not me. I never want to black out. I never want to wake up and not remember what is happening (but this topic is for another time).
Back to my point though. College is really not what I expected. Maybe it's because I lost the chance of going to a really great school (or a more prestigious school).
*Side Note* I am loving my room mate. Honestly, sometimes I like her more than my best friend. I am so used to her now that I am really going to be sad when she transfers to another school. But to the point. She said something that made me realize that I could have been at better places with better people.
She told me that I could have gotten into a way better school. Just by hearing my work ethnic and living with me, a complete stranger can tell me that I could have done great things makes me feel really regretful about some of the advantages that I didn't take part in.
Here are a list of things I should have done. Maybe this will help you guys who are younger
1. I probably should have taken the SAT. I know I would have done well. It's not because I am arrogant, it's just that I always do really well on standardized tests. I got a 30 on my ACT when my practice ACT predicted a 27 (and I didn't study for this test like AT ALL). I could have done really well on my SAT if I did take it. This is one of my biggest regrets. If I took the SAT I could have applied to schools in California (which is where I really wanted to go). I took the ACT but I did not take it with writing. If I had the chance to go back, I would have just sucked it up and drove all the way to the school that was offering the SAT.
2. I wish I would have been more involved with my school. I really wasn't involved at all with my school. I didn't play any sports (and I would have if I didn't have a job). I really wanted to be on the tennis team but I was too shy to even try. I don't know. I could have been in things like class leadership or been a backstage person for plays or something that would have made me more well rounded or given me experiences for scholarships. I really just went to school and went home. That was basically my whole high school career right there.
3. I sort of wish I applied to more school. I only applied to three schools and the sister school of one of these schools. I really should have applied to more prestigious schools. Maybe I could have gotten in then gotten a lot of scholar ships. That would have been awesome. I could be at a really awesome school instead of here with people I don't like and frankly don't want to be around.
4. I definitely wish I would have done more research on the school that I am going to now. I probably would have chosen a completely different resident hall. I should have done more research instead of blindly following a friend because ultimately that is a bad thing. Never do something just because your friend is doing it. Ultimately, you have to live with your choices. I am not happy with this resident hall. I could have been in a much nicer place or could have just commuted because I haven't made any friends. I should have looked into the cost of going to here versus the other places I had in mind. I wish I would have done additional research on the places that I wanted to go to out of state.
There are plenty more regret I have about my college experience but I am only going to write about those 4. I'll probably write more about college later because it's really bringing me down. All these regrets just make me sad, but I made my choices and now I have to live with them.
On the less sad side... I do have one choice that I was and still am very happy about making.
I am SO glad that I chose not to be room mates with anyone I knew. It's great being room mates with a best friend but eventually I get tired of people. Being around a person too much makes me sick of them. I would probably hate my best friend by this point. Living with someone that you're friends with is just not a good idea, especially if you're going to be in your room all the time. Honestly, I love my current room mate and she's the best match for me. I would have had a lot of problems if I was paired up with anyone else on my floor. I am so glad that I didn't cave in and live with my best friend. I am so glad that I chose to live with a stranger instead. I am SO glad that said stranger respects my need for quiet and time to myself. She doesn't judge me, in fact we have so much more in common.
My room mate and I have had so many conversations. I have shared so much of my life with her. She's awesome and I really really really hope that we can remain friends after she transfers.
The only reason I am still at this college and will continue to be in this college is because of money. I am not paying as much as other people for this lovely college experience. This college would have cost around 13000 a semester to attend. I got about 3500 for a grant. I got a 4,400 academic scholarship. I got 2000 dollars from another grant. 1,800 for work study (which I still don't understand how it works). Then I got an esteemed scholarship for 2,500. I am currently 10,000 in loans and had to pay 1,500 out of my own bank account in order to go here. This really isn't a lot compared to other people and I am lucky to be going here for so little.
Money is basically stopping me from going somewhere I really want to go. I would definitely transfer to a California school if I could. Hell, I would even go to the other side of the country if I could.
Showing posts with label slump. Show all posts
Showing posts with label slump. Show all posts
Monday, November 18, 2013
Monday, January 14, 2013
Words cannot explain how I feel right now
There is one word that comes close to describing how I feel, but does not completely encase it. That word is stressed.
There are so many pressures put upon my shoulders right now that it isn't even fathomable how I have not been crushed by my load right now. I have so many emotional issues and so many actual things to do but what I actually do is nothing. There isn't much I can do to fix my emotional issues. It's not like I can heal my brain (and asians don't believe in depression and such... at least my family doesn't).
It's not like I can tell my brain to stop being so sad all the time, to stop thinking about people and move onto better things can it? If anyone knows how to control my brain then please inform me because I do not need this sadness in my life right now.
Sometimes, I can cry with all this pressure, with all the thoughts going through my head. I'm crying right now actually because I don't want to deal with growing up, moving on, gaining freedom, everything. All this pressure is getting to me and messing with my brain.
When I'm stressed, I can't help but to think of the past. I can't help pulling up past memories of people I used to know. I can't help pulling up past relationships, past friendships, past opportunities that I missed, past everything. You see... when there is enough stress on my plate, I live in the past. I think about "M" who used to be my best friend. Who used to be so close to me and yet she is one of the people I hate most right now. Isn't it funny how that happens?
I can't help thinking about A and what could have happened if I told him how I actually feel. How I felt from 3rd to 5th grade, 7-8th grade, and perhaps even high school. I can't help thinking of the possible relationship that we would have had and whether he would have broken my heart or not. I really hope not because I have had enough heartbreak to last me for a while.
And lastly, I think of him. The person who has hurt me the most. I don't know why thoughts of this terrible terrible jerk comes into my mind when I am extremely stressed. I don't know why I continue to torture myself with his memories. I can't even begin to describe how frustrating this is. I wish I could just forget, but life doesn't work that way. No matter how hard I try, I can't forget.
I can't forget about my ex-best friend who I used to care about and now I hate. I can't forget about the person that could have been my first love or my first heartbreak or maybe a little bit of both, but at least could have been my friend. and last, I can't forget about my first actual heartbreak. I can't forget the person who put me though so much pain, who still is.
I just can't forget, no matter how hard I try.
Right now, I am watching a drama called "The Innocent Man" and I am quite envious of Eun Gi. *SPOILER ALERT* she gets to forget everything. She gets to have a car crash and forget. She gets to forget all the pain and sadness. How I wish I could a restart with my memories. Maybe I would finally get some peace. Maybe I can even be happy for a little bit.
No matter how much I want to forget, there are always the things that I don't. I don't ever want to forget my current best friend because she is amazing. I don't want to forget the friendship that took 5 years to build. I don't want to forget her....
but sometimes I ask myself if it's worth it. If remembering this one bright sun in my life is worth all the pain that I have within my brain and ultimately the pain within my heart? Sometimes, on a good day, I would say yes. All my memories with her, with N and possibly with D are all worth this pain that I am feeling right now.
and on days like this... On nights like this, I am willing to give up my life to stop this (what seems like) endless waves of pain. Never would I have ever thought that I would be sitting in my bedroom alone and crying my eyes out wishing for a better life. I didn't think I had it that bad, but sometimes it feels terrible.
and I just deal with it, this pain. I have kept it all in until one night I just break down and rant all my problems through this blog. There are those meaningless posts about random stuff within this blog. There are days where I just want to write something for this blog.
But there are also those days where this blog is my medicine. It's what keeps me going. It is an outlet. It is MY outlet for things that I can't tell anyone, for all the pain that I experience, and all the feelings that I have kept inside for so long.
This blog is my way of dealing. This blog is my medicine.
There are so many pressures put upon my shoulders right now that it isn't even fathomable how I have not been crushed by my load right now. I have so many emotional issues and so many actual things to do but what I actually do is nothing. There isn't much I can do to fix my emotional issues. It's not like I can heal my brain (and asians don't believe in depression and such... at least my family doesn't).
It's not like I can tell my brain to stop being so sad all the time, to stop thinking about people and move onto better things can it? If anyone knows how to control my brain then please inform me because I do not need this sadness in my life right now.
Sometimes, I can cry with all this pressure, with all the thoughts going through my head. I'm crying right now actually because I don't want to deal with growing up, moving on, gaining freedom, everything. All this pressure is getting to me and messing with my brain.
When I'm stressed, I can't help but to think of the past. I can't help pulling up past memories of people I used to know. I can't help pulling up past relationships, past friendships, past opportunities that I missed, past everything. You see... when there is enough stress on my plate, I live in the past. I think about "M" who used to be my best friend. Who used to be so close to me and yet she is one of the people I hate most right now. Isn't it funny how that happens?
I can't help thinking about A and what could have happened if I told him how I actually feel. How I felt from 3rd to 5th grade, 7-8th grade, and perhaps even high school. I can't help thinking of the possible relationship that we would have had and whether he would have broken my heart or not. I really hope not because I have had enough heartbreak to last me for a while.
And lastly, I think of him. The person who has hurt me the most. I don't know why thoughts of this terrible terrible jerk comes into my mind when I am extremely stressed. I don't know why I continue to torture myself with his memories. I can't even begin to describe how frustrating this is. I wish I could just forget, but life doesn't work that way. No matter how hard I try, I can't forget.
I can't forget about my ex-best friend who I used to care about and now I hate. I can't forget about the person that could have been my first love or my first heartbreak or maybe a little bit of both, but at least could have been my friend. and last, I can't forget about my first actual heartbreak. I can't forget the person who put me though so much pain, who still is.
I just can't forget, no matter how hard I try.
Right now, I am watching a drama called "The Innocent Man" and I am quite envious of Eun Gi. *SPOILER ALERT* she gets to forget everything. She gets to have a car crash and forget. She gets to forget all the pain and sadness. How I wish I could a restart with my memories. Maybe I would finally get some peace. Maybe I can even be happy for a little bit.
No matter how much I want to forget, there are always the things that I don't. I don't ever want to forget my current best friend because she is amazing. I don't want to forget the friendship that took 5 years to build. I don't want to forget her....
but sometimes I ask myself if it's worth it. If remembering this one bright sun in my life is worth all the pain that I have within my brain and ultimately the pain within my heart? Sometimes, on a good day, I would say yes. All my memories with her, with N and possibly with D are all worth this pain that I am feeling right now.
and on days like this... On nights like this, I am willing to give up my life to stop this (what seems like) endless waves of pain. Never would I have ever thought that I would be sitting in my bedroom alone and crying my eyes out wishing for a better life. I didn't think I had it that bad, but sometimes it feels terrible.
and I just deal with it, this pain. I have kept it all in until one night I just break down and rant all my problems through this blog. There are those meaningless posts about random stuff within this blog. There are days where I just want to write something for this blog.
But there are also those days where this blog is my medicine. It's what keeps me going. It is an outlet. It is MY outlet for things that I can't tell anyone, for all the pain that I experience, and all the feelings that I have kept inside for so long.
This blog is my way of dealing. This blog is my medicine.
Saturday, December 8, 2012
Rebound?
Well, I think I've come to the conclusion that no matter who I like next, they will be like a rebound. It's been over a year since my ex broke up with me and yet I just can't find the will power to forget about him.
I want another relationship so badly because I miss the feeling of having someone else there for me. I miss all the hugs and kisses, not necessarily from my ex because I am NEVER getting back together with him.
Today, I realized that (probably, I don't really know) the reason I went out with him was because he gave me attention, unlike every other guy that I have even had any interest in. The guys that I have ever been interested never talked to me or anything and I ended up pining after someone who would never give me a chance. I guess I'm re-evaluating everything and that is the conclusion that I've come to.
If the guy I liked actually gave me a chance then I would have never dated my ex and I wouldn't be so desperate for another relationship (because frankly, I am desperate to feel loved again). I'm really in the mood where I feel so alone and I will always be alone. Meh. I am such a complainer. I wish for things but I never have the guts to make them happen.
I guess that makes me a complete social defect. I never have the nerve to do anything. I am always too afraid to talk to that cute guy or to talk to the guy I like. I pine for them from afar and expect them to make the first move because for some reason I feel like they would never feel the same way and if they did then they would make the first move.
I'm just not happy with myself at the moment. I'm always tempted to go up to the person that I do like and just tell him how I feel, but nope. I never do. It's quite sad actually.
I want another relationship so badly because I miss the feeling of having someone else there for me. I miss all the hugs and kisses, not necessarily from my ex because I am NEVER getting back together with him.
Today, I realized that (probably, I don't really know) the reason I went out with him was because he gave me attention, unlike every other guy that I have even had any interest in. The guys that I have ever been interested never talked to me or anything and I ended up pining after someone who would never give me a chance. I guess I'm re-evaluating everything and that is the conclusion that I've come to.
If the guy I liked actually gave me a chance then I would have never dated my ex and I wouldn't be so desperate for another relationship (because frankly, I am desperate to feel loved again). I'm really in the mood where I feel so alone and I will always be alone. Meh. I am such a complainer. I wish for things but I never have the guts to make them happen.
I guess that makes me a complete social defect. I never have the nerve to do anything. I am always too afraid to talk to that cute guy or to talk to the guy I like. I pine for them from afar and expect them to make the first move because for some reason I feel like they would never feel the same way and if they did then they would make the first move.
I'm just not happy with myself at the moment. I'm always tempted to go up to the person that I do like and just tell him how I feel, but nope. I never do. It's quite sad actually.
Saturday, November 24, 2012
Short Temper.
I am a person who has a VERY high tolerance level but once you start testing my tolerance, I will go ape shit crazy on you. Seriously.
When I first meet a person and I don't immediately dislike them then I will be their friend, but once they start exhibiting behaviors that get on my nerves, the tolerance I have for them gets smaller and smaller. This ends up destroying my friendships but do I care? Most times I have no fucks to give. If you're going to annoy me enough to make me angry and stop being friends with you, then do you think I care at all? Not really.
I just have a lot of things that I don't like and I am very annoyed right now. People can just go die. What irks me the most is when people aren't appreciative of me. If I go through the effort of doing something extremely nice to you (which I rarely do since I am a pretty bitter person) then you best appreciate it. You do not go crawling back to the people that hurt you because that is the last straw.
If someone basically rejects my act of niceness and completely blows me off for someone else, especially someone I hate, then everything is ruin. There is VERY little chance that this is just an angry mood of mine and that I'll get over it. I will not. I am the type of person that holds grudges. I will not forget. I will let the one little thing dig into my brain and fester. Then the more times you do things that annoy me, the more hatred I will have towards you. Thinking about this makes me super angry and want to punch a wall. People should just learn how to be normal human beings instead of the cruel monsters they are.
Don't get me wrong, I know I have my fair share of fault (just read through my blog and you'll find all of them) but at least I know what's wrong from right most times. Most people don't even know that and I am sitting here and just hating on them wishing they would just fail at life already. It is these people that make me angry, depressed, suicidal because I don't even want to deal with them anymore.
I would give anything to transfer into a different family. I would give anything to reverse time and make sure that my second and third sisters were NEVER born. I would give anything to have them out of my life. Why wish when I could escape from them? From all the pressures of society? From life itself? After all, sometimes I feel like what's the point?
Frankly, I don't care about how my death would affect people because I don't care about people. I know there is one, two, maybe three people who would truly and completely be torn apart because of my death, but the rest? There will be a lot of people who don't care. There will be a lot of people who will pretend like the knew the "real" me. There will be those people who will put on a show because they are suppose to care even though they don't. And then there are the people who will feel guilty.
If I were to ever kill myself, which I do think about occasionally (I just don't have the guts to do it.... Wimpy me), I would make sure that the blame gets placed. I would make sure that the people who have caused me all of this suffering and pain know that it was them who did it. That my death is in their hands. And I pray to god that they will suffer for the rest of their lives with guilt. That is one of the best things that would result from my death. People learning that they are horrible monsters and suffering from my death for the rest of their lives.
You see, hate is not a very good thing to harbor inside of you, but it's the only thing I know how to do with hate.
When I first meet a person and I don't immediately dislike them then I will be their friend, but once they start exhibiting behaviors that get on my nerves, the tolerance I have for them gets smaller and smaller. This ends up destroying my friendships but do I care? Most times I have no fucks to give. If you're going to annoy me enough to make me angry and stop being friends with you, then do you think I care at all? Not really.
I just have a lot of things that I don't like and I am very annoyed right now. People can just go die. What irks me the most is when people aren't appreciative of me. If I go through the effort of doing something extremely nice to you (which I rarely do since I am a pretty bitter person) then you best appreciate it. You do not go crawling back to the people that hurt you because that is the last straw.
If someone basically rejects my act of niceness and completely blows me off for someone else, especially someone I hate, then everything is ruin. There is VERY little chance that this is just an angry mood of mine and that I'll get over it. I will not. I am the type of person that holds grudges. I will not forget. I will let the one little thing dig into my brain and fester. Then the more times you do things that annoy me, the more hatred I will have towards you. Thinking about this makes me super angry and want to punch a wall. People should just learn how to be normal human beings instead of the cruel monsters they are.
Don't get me wrong, I know I have my fair share of fault (just read through my blog and you'll find all of them) but at least I know what's wrong from right most times. Most people don't even know that and I am sitting here and just hating on them wishing they would just fail at life already. It is these people that make me angry, depressed, suicidal because I don't even want to deal with them anymore.
I would give anything to transfer into a different family. I would give anything to reverse time and make sure that my second and third sisters were NEVER born. I would give anything to have them out of my life. Why wish when I could escape from them? From all the pressures of society? From life itself? After all, sometimes I feel like what's the point?
Frankly, I don't care about how my death would affect people because I don't care about people. I know there is one, two, maybe three people who would truly and completely be torn apart because of my death, but the rest? There will be a lot of people who don't care. There will be a lot of people who will pretend like the knew the "real" me. There will be those people who will put on a show because they are suppose to care even though they don't. And then there are the people who will feel guilty.
If I were to ever kill myself, which I do think about occasionally (I just don't have the guts to do it.... Wimpy me), I would make sure that the blame gets placed. I would make sure that the people who have caused me all of this suffering and pain know that it was them who did it. That my death is in their hands. And I pray to god that they will suffer for the rest of their lives with guilt. That is one of the best things that would result from my death. People learning that they are horrible monsters and suffering from my death for the rest of their lives.
You see, hate is not a very good thing to harbor inside of you, but it's the only thing I know how to do with hate.
Sunday, November 18, 2012
Screw life
I am in a slump. A very depressing slump and quite frankly, I do not know why. I seriously have not been enjoying life at all. I don't smile very much and when I do, it's usually a lie. I just don't know what's wrong with me.
Maybe it's all the stress. That's probably it. Whoever was the person who thought that letting an extremely indecisive 17 year old girl make decisions about her whole future was obviously messed up and should be arrested and jailed forever. Seriously, I am majorly stressed about everything I have to do to "secure" my future. What are we all really moving towards? (I'll explain more in another blog post if i get to it)
I guess I'm just angry at myself. I'm angry I can't make a choice and I'm angry that I feel fat and gross and disgusting. I just have a whole lot of insecurities right now. Insecurities about my present, my future, everything in my life.
To add to that stress, I happen to have a terrible case of senioritis. It makes me angry. Ugh. Lots of things make me angry but I just feel everything caving in. I'm like a ticking time bomb and one day I will explode and all my rage with just be released. I'm scared that it'll be on someone that I truly care about. (I'm worried that it's happening right now. That i'm taking my anger out on someone that doesn't deserve it)
I'm just a super angry person right now so that best thing to do is to not piss me off. My grandpa pissed me off like 2 days ago. I drove around crying and literally screaming my lungs out in my car. All this pressure and stress is getting to me and I don't know how to make it better.
I guess this is just me. I hide it and write a blog post about it. Then I cry alone in my room about everything but I don't do anything to fix it. I hate life. I hate life with a burning passion. It's gross and disgusting and frankly, I don't want to deal with it anymore.
Maybe it's all the stress. That's probably it. Whoever was the person who thought that letting an extremely indecisive 17 year old girl make decisions about her whole future was obviously messed up and should be arrested and jailed forever. Seriously, I am majorly stressed about everything I have to do to "secure" my future. What are we all really moving towards? (I'll explain more in another blog post if i get to it)
I guess I'm just angry at myself. I'm angry I can't make a choice and I'm angry that I feel fat and gross and disgusting. I just have a whole lot of insecurities right now. Insecurities about my present, my future, everything in my life.
To add to that stress, I happen to have a terrible case of senioritis. It makes me angry. Ugh. Lots of things make me angry but I just feel everything caving in. I'm like a ticking time bomb and one day I will explode and all my rage with just be released. I'm scared that it'll be on someone that I truly care about. (I'm worried that it's happening right now. That i'm taking my anger out on someone that doesn't deserve it)
I'm just a super angry person right now so that best thing to do is to not piss me off. My grandpa pissed me off like 2 days ago. I drove around crying and literally screaming my lungs out in my car. All this pressure and stress is getting to me and I don't know how to make it better.
I guess this is just me. I hide it and write a blog post about it. Then I cry alone in my room about everything but I don't do anything to fix it. I hate life. I hate life with a burning passion. It's gross and disgusting and frankly, I don't want to deal with it anymore.
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