I'm just as confused as ever.

*sigh* seriously, how do I even begin?

(btw I like writing posts addressed to certain people because I am SO much more literate when I am typing things out)

I don't like being played. I don't. If people are going to use me, please just tell me the truth when I ask you. If you really don't like me and won't really like me any time in the next few months, please tell me the truth instead of telling me you like me when in reality I can tell you don't.

Even though I can tell you aren't being 100% truthful, I am not going to call you out on it because I like to give people the benefit of the doubt. I told you I didn't want to be hurt when I went into whatever thing this is. Now, I am putting it all on you if I am going to be hurt because I like you. I already know I am going to get hurt because you are kind of a player. Let me go through our conversation.

I tell you to stop. Stop doing this to me if you don't want me attached because, to be honest, I am kind of getting attached. You tell me you're confused. You don't know what you want. You don't know if you want me attached or not. In response to this, I don't know. I understand where you're coming from but my cousin tells me that you're just saying that to keep me as back up. I don't want to be back up. I don't want to be a distraction. I don't want to be the side bitch (because let's face it I am letting you treat me like this because I like you).

You told me you liked me, but do I believe it? No. I don't believe it. How can I if you don't do a single thing to show me that you like me? You don't text me. You don't snapchat me. You don't talk to me. I sometimes even wonder if you care at all because it doesn't really seem like it and that hurts me because I think of you all the time. I think of you before I go to bed (and most times it makes me cry and have trouble sleeping, which I told you too). I tell you how bringing that girl to the party to get with her (while I was at the party too) really hurt me and all I heard were excuses. Even my cousin tells me that you're probably lying and don't really have any feelings for me (which was really brutal tbh...).

Sometimes you make me feel like I am stupid, that I am being irrational. Maybe I am, for a girl that you only mess around with no strings attached but the strings got attached and I told you. I can be hurt. I can be jealous. You can make me cry with your actions. I've told you all of this but what do you still do? You dance around the question and don't ever give me a straight answer. I guess people have told me that's how you are but now I am starting to realize how hard it is to actually discuss "us" with you.

It's kind of hard, discussing "us" when you don't know what you want. When I like you so much that it makes me into a complete mess. It also doesn't help that we only really talk when people remind you of the girl before (which absolutely CRUSHES my self esteem because according to you and others.... she's perfect and extremely hard to get over... but I don't hate her).

Ugh. What am I actually doing now? I know what I am doing. I am blogging away my frustrations because it's so hard to actually say things while I am sitting in your arms, crying my eyes out, and trying to communicate. I need this outlet. I had this outlet with alan. I blogged things and had him read it... but I am not showing this to you because I want to have this talk in person. <--- never would I EVER think I would say that since I am terrible with words.

Ugh. Maybe I am not ready for a relationship yet.... or maybe this is just how I am. I don't talk a lot. I don't say random things to make sounds when there is silence. I need someone who is willing to talk to me. I need someone who is not bothered when I don't really speak much because I am not a conversationalist. I suck at talking. Ugh. Alan understood that. How the heck was I even able to have a relationship when I have ZERO communication skills.

*sigh* I have used all of break to realize that I will let you hurt me. I will suffer through this unknown whatever we are because I like you. Because I tolerate A LOT of bullshit from people because I want to keep them in my life.

Why do I do that? I allowed my sister to walk all over me. I let go of whatever bothered be about Alan (even though I shouldn't have given him multiple chances.... I did). I did that with Danielle (basically dealing with someone who didn't care whether I was in their life or not since she almost never contacted me first). And now..... I will allow you to do this to me because I like you. That's one of the saddest things (about myself because I am always getting hurt), but I can't exactly change that about myself.

I am so done with this post. It's only making me upset.

"When you call me baby, I know I'm not the only one" -Sam Smith
"I'm thinking it over. The way you make me feel all sexy but it's causing me shame." -Banks
^lyrics to explain my life right now.

As an end note (and to possibly contradict everything that I just ranted about) I really liked spending new years eve with you and waking up in your arms the next day. Although I didn't get a new years kiss (even though I was standing RIGHT next to you and even looked at you... I understand that people were there and would not have approved) I really like spending time with you. A lot. and you just make me like you more.... UGH that was a total contradiction to my angry feelings.... WHY???????

I don't know, kind of feeling bitter.

As my title suggests, I am kind of feeling bitter and emotional right now. No, it is not that time of the month although this could have something to do with me only sleeping for 4 hours monday night and then only sleeping for 2.5 tuesday night (it is now wednesday).

I am not very functional when I don't get enough sleep and I am hungry. I don't know what to do anymore. I guess I just need a really good cry to get every emotion out of my system, isn't that the girly thing to do?

What is even my life right now? I don't know what's going on. I don't know what to do. I just don't know. There are people giving me opinions and advice and it's not that I don't want to listen to it or that it's bad advice (because it's actually really logical and good advice). I am just not the type of girl that thinks about the future (and when I do, I get upset and I feel like puking. It's sort of like anxiety).

I know I am being kind of vague, but things were said that just brought up old emotions (old painful emotions) that I would just not like to think about or feel. I really just don't want to be hurt again but when my friends gave me advice, I felt like I was drowning and just digging myself a deeper hole. I am kind of over thinking things and letting my feelings get the best of me.

This all is just a jumbled mess, but I have to have somewhere to get it out and this is the place. I don't really know what I am going to do. I don't really know what I am going to say but I hope this all works out for the sake of everyone involved. I am just soooo stressed right now that I don't even want to think of anything but homework.

That's when you know you've got it bad. When you actually focus on homework in order to distract yourself from something. I just don't even know anymore. My friends are pressuring me into talking to him and it just stresses me out because I am not his girlfriend and what we have to talk about is sort of like defining the relationship even though we already told each other what we wanted.

Oh my goodness. I am just so stressing right now I practically feel like crying whenever I think of this. OMG. I could totally get friend zoned too. I am just scared out of my mind and nervous as to what will happen. Maybe I will speak more on this later.