I don't know, kind of feeling bitter.

As my title suggests, I am kind of feeling bitter and emotional right now. No, it is not that time of the month although this could have something to do with me only sleeping for 4 hours monday night and then only sleeping for 2.5 tuesday night (it is now wednesday).

I am not very functional when I don't get enough sleep and I am hungry. I don't know what to do anymore. I guess I just need a really good cry to get every emotion out of my system, isn't that the girly thing to do?

What is even my life right now? I don't know what's going on. I don't know what to do. I just don't know. There are people giving me opinions and advice and it's not that I don't want to listen to it or that it's bad advice (because it's actually really logical and good advice). I am just not the type of girl that thinks about the future (and when I do, I get upset and I feel like puking. It's sort of like anxiety).

I know I am being kind of vague, but things were said that just brought up old emotions (old painful emotions) that I would just not like to think about or feel. I really just don't want to be hurt again but when my friends gave me advice, I felt like I was drowning and just digging myself a deeper hole. I am kind of over thinking things and letting my feelings get the best of me.

This all is just a jumbled mess, but I have to have somewhere to get it out and this is the place. I don't really know what I am going to do. I don't really know what I am going to say but I hope this all works out for the sake of everyone involved. I am just soooo stressed right now that I don't even want to think of anything but homework.

That's when you know you've got it bad. When you actually focus on homework in order to distract yourself from something. I just don't even know anymore. My friends are pressuring me into talking to him and it just stresses me out because I am not his girlfriend and what we have to talk about is sort of like defining the relationship even though we already told each other what we wanted.

Oh my goodness. I am just so stressing right now I practically feel like crying whenever I think of this. OMG. I could totally get friend zoned too. I am just scared out of my mind and nervous as to what will happen. Maybe I will speak more on this later.

It's time?

You know, it's been a really long time since I have liked a guy. I guess I have been attracted to many guys before. I have always claimed that I liked them, but it wasn't really like that. I have realized that I can't say I like a guy unless I really got to know him. With all the guys that I have said that I "liked" before, they were just attractions. I never actually got to know them.

With that being said, I have probably only REALLY liked probably 4 or 5 guys in all of my 19 years. I liked a guy that I will call X and Y in elementary school. These two guys, I actually talked to and played with. They were my little girl crushes. Then there was B and A(who many already know who A is, I don't think I talk about B often enough). I talked to B for like a good two weeks and I thought I liked him, but I let the opinions of others get in the way and he just sort of went away (or I sort of stopped communicating with him). Then there is A who I had my first real relationship with. He made me really happy and he also made me really sad.

Anyway, enough about that. My point is that I don't really know what to do when I like someone. It's been 4 years since I have been in a relationship, meaning it has been 4 years since I have liked someone. I am not even sure I know what to do anymore. I think I might like someone else now. I don't really know where I want this new development to go. I don't know if I really want a relationship right now. I know that I like hanging out with him, I think he's cute, and I think he's fun. What I worry about is kind of whether he is off limits or not (because he's good friends with my friend). I don't really know what to do. I kind of just want to have fun and do nice relationshippy things. I don't really want to be in a committed relationship.

I really just need someone else. Someone to clean the slate from the mess that was Alan. I need to experience a fun relationship, I don't think I need a completely serious relationship right now. I don't even know where this guy and I stand.

I mean I love hugging him and poking him and just sitting next to him while we watch tv or a movie. Yesterday he attempted to braid my hair and he was using my legs as a pillow while we watched a movie at like 4 in the morning. Just thinking about these relationship types things make me pretty happy. I mean he's just there and he's awesome and nice. I really like this aspect of relationships. I don't think I want someone to say good morning too and then talk for the rest of the day (because we don't do that). I don't need someone to tell all of my deepest darkest secrets to and see me at my most vulnerable. I really think all I need right now is fun.

Ugh, the thought of me actually liking another person makes me happy and yet it oddly stresses me out.

I am really at a loss here.

2 years+

My very first blog post was on April 8th, 2010 at 6:50 PM PST. I've had this blog for more than two years. It's actually approaching 3 years. I've changed so much.

I've changed so so much since then. If you actually go back and read those posts, I am naive. I am innocent. I was not depressed and I was happy... or at least I thought I was happy.

Now read my blog posts. What are they? They're depressed and gross. Lots of things happened in these two years of having this blog. I've learned a lot. I've reflected a lot. It's just a lot.

All these changes...... can I say they were for the better? I guess we shall see. Can I say they were for the worse? Probably. I went from happy to depressed. Why is that not worse?

I don't know. I guess when I started this blog, I had a prince charming (or who I thought would have been my prince charming) but now, what am I doing?

I'm still waiting. I've suffered through the immeasurable pain of having your heart broken and I guess I am still picking up the pieces. Will I ever be whole again? I don't know. Will I ever find another Prince? Maybe. It's all unknown.

I'm just a senior in high school. I'm just waiting to be accepted into college (even though it is no question that I am accepted into the colleges that I applied to. Got a 30 on ACT).

Actually, I am just a girl who wants to be happy. I. Am. Just. A. Girl.

What?

So, I just saw this on tumblr. This is what it said......

"saying 'how can you be sad when people have it so much worse than you' is as ridiculous as 'how can you be happy when people have it so much better than you'"

I completely agree with this. In my opinion, I feel that this piece of speech speaks so many words. If you're asking me how can I be sad with all this "awesomeness" in my life is just like me asking you how you can be so happy with life if at least one person out in the world has it so much better than you?

This is exactly why people cannot question depression. It's basically saying that. I'm a fairly happy person, at least I try my hardest to radiate that opinion to other people. Deep down, I am basically hiding a depressed black hole. Isn't that kind of sad?

When I am in a particularly depressing state, there is no other person other than me. This may have just sounded really stupid and selfish, but that's how I feel. I feel that there is no one with it worse than me. Maybe sometimes it may be true, out of all the people I know I may be the saddest or the most depressed. There is no way I can know that.

All we ever know is the known. Out of everything I know, I am the most depressed. It may be that my friends are more depressed than me, but they don't share it with me, so then that isn't know. When I am depressed, I don't think of other people. I only think of my situation. I'm pretty sure a lot of people feel this way. When they're upset they think about themselves. It's just how human nature is, isn't it?

If you really think about it, there is nothing but ourselves. From the day we are born, to the day we die we're ALWAYS thinking about ourselves and how we can make our lives better.

Logically, I know that my situation is not the worse, but how about all you people that tell me to feel better or that people have it worse than me keep your positivism to yourselves. I don't want your positivism (i'm a pessimist anyway). I don't accept your positivism and if you think about it, why are you so happy? Why are you so happy when there is so much more you could do to be happier?

I know that the world would be a terrible terrible absolutely terrible place without all these positive people, but these positive people DO NOT need to push their positivism onto me. I am fine wallowing in my own depressing feelings. If you leave me alone, I will eventually be able to compose myself. Pushing your happiness onto me is NOT going to make me feel better. It's best to just leave me alone.

After all, I am a just a girl. A girl who feels extremely sad sometimes.