I need a distraction, so I am going to mindlessly answer a list of questions I found on tumblr. Maybe I will find this post some day in the future and see how much my answers changed.
1:Name: Felicia
2:Age: 19
3:3 Fears: ending up alone, having my heart broken, death
4:3 things I love: reading, music, nice weather
5:4 turn ons: Smelling nice is number one, passion, height (the taller the better), and butt touches lol
6:4 turn offs: I don't really have anything that is an instant turn off.... soo.....
7:My best friend: I like to think of G-Dawg as my best friend
8:Sexual orientation: Stright
9:My best first date: I've only had one first date..... so.......
10:How tall am I: almost 5 ft 7
11:What/Who do I miss: I miss the D.... lol. jk but not really (his name starts with a D)
12:What time was I born: I have NO idea
13:Favourite color: Blue. all shades of blue
14:Do I have a crush: Of course. The D.
15:Favourite quote: "One must always be careful of books and what is inside them, for words have the power to change us.” -Tessa Gray
16:Favourite place: My bed.
17:Favourite food: I can't decide this omg
18:Do I use sarcasm: Obvi
19:What am I listening to right now: sad music that reflect how I am feeling about the D
20:First thing I notice in a new person: Height
21:Shoe size: 7.5
22:Eye color: black... no, just dark brown
23:Hair color: Black like my soul.... no, just really really really dark brown
24:Favourite style of clothing: I like girly cute things?
25:Ever done a prank call? I never prank called someone but I have been on the receiving end of a prank call
27:Meaning behind my URL: I made this blog when I was a younger teen and I am not a social person so therefore there is the non-socialite part
28:Favourite movie: I can't really chose..... I like comedies.
29:Favourite song: Too many to chose. omg. Right now I really like Compass and East of Eden by Zella Day
30:Favourite band: Big Bang?
31:How I feel right now: Sad and very pissy. I've been in a bad mood all freaking day
32:Someone I love: my grandma
33:My current relationship status: Single and not ready to mingle because of the D.
34:My relationship with my parents: is almost non-exsistant.
35:Favourite holiday: I really like Chinese New Years
36:Tattoos and piercings i have: Ears are pierced. That's it
37:Tattoos and piercings i want: There are 4 tattoo designs I want. A pokeball on my wrist, the rune for angelic power, an arrow made from the letters EXO, and a little kitty cat shadow.
38:The reason I joined Tumblr: To look at attractive Korean men.
39:Do I and my last ex hate each other?: Ha. Yes. I used to love him but now it's a lot of hurt and hate.
40:Do I ever get “good morning” or “good night ” texts? Sometimes I get goodnight texts but not from a lover or something
41:Have I ever kissed the last person you texted?: Last person I texted was my friend emily and I have kissed her on the cheek.
42:When did I last hold hands? after sex.
43:How long does it take me to get ready in the morning? not long, like 15-20 minutes if I don't shower
44:Have you shaved your legs in the past three days? no
45:Where am I right now? in my apartment room
46:If I were drunk and can’t stand, who’s taking care of me? I would like to think the D would take care of me but fuck him, if there are other girls there he would probably be trying to get in their pants so not him. Probably Emily, Chris, or G-Dawg.
47:Do I like my music loud or at a reasonable level? loud when I am alone but reasonable when I am with people
48:Do I live with my Mom and Dad? not currently
49:Am I excited for anything? not really. If I get to go to a wedding in seattle then yes.
50:Do I have someone of the opposite sex I can tell everything to? Kind of? Obviously not if I am posting on this blog.
51:How often do I wear a fake smile? all the freaking time.
52:When was the last time I hugged someone? Yesterday, it was emily because she's the best hugger.
53:What if the last person I kissed was kissing someone else right in front of me? If it was the last person I kissed on the lips... I would be so hurt and I would probably cry and then bitch him out later because pain
54:Is there anyone I trust even though I should not? The D. *sigh* why do I even bother.
55:What is something I disliked about today? Everything. I hated today. Today sucked.
56:If I could meet anyone on this earth, who would it be? Big Bang! OMG.
57:What do I think about most? my relationship with people
58:What’s my strangest talent? I have no idea....?
59:Do I have any strange phobias? I don't think so.
60:Do I prefer to be behind the camera or in front of it? I would prefer to be behind the camera.
61:What was the last lie I told? I don't remember what I did today. That was a lie. I remember, I just didn't feel like telling people I sulked and cried for most of the day.
62:Do I perfer talking on the phone or video chatting online? I don't like either but I would rather video chat.
63:Do I believe in ghosts? How about aliens? I think i believe in ghosts to an extent. also aliens to an extent.
64:Do I believe in magic? heck yes.
65:Do I believe in luck? yeah
66:What's the weather like right now? it's wet outside. Not snowing... kind of misting.
67:What was the last book I've read? I am currently reading CoHF
68:Do I like the smell of gasoline? ha, no. I hate it.
69:Do I have any nicknames? My friend used to call me Doy
70:What was the worst injury I've ever had? ummm.... a broken heart? That pain is a bitch and probably hurt for a longer time than any physical injury I have had.
71:Do I spend money or save it? I spend it... apparently on useless things according to my sister.
72:Can I touch my nose with a tounge? Nope, I just tried.
73:Is there anything pink in 10 feets from me? Yes, a lot of things actually
74:Favourite animal? Felines.
75:What was I doing last night at 12 AM? either watching people drink or driving people to get food.
76:What do I think is Satan’s last name is? I have no idea.
77:What’s a song that always makes me happy when I hear it? I like shut up and dance. It makes me dance
78:How can you win my heart? Be nice to me really. Don't lie. Don't make broken promises, and be a nice person who wants to have a conversation with me. It's pretty easy.
79:What would I want to be written on my tombstone? I don't know.
80:What is my favorite word? I use the word dude a lot, but only when I am talking to family and occasionally friends.
81:My top 5 blogs on tumblr: ummm the blogs I reblog the most from is roxyderp, ohwittlephamnator, tyleroakley, wuyifanxing, and missmorgenstern
82:If the whole world were listening to me right now, what would I say? fuck stupid guys
83:Do I have any relatives in jail? Not that I know of
84:I accidentally eat some radioactive vegetables. They were good, and what’s even cooler is that they endow me with the super-power of my choice! What is that power? Flight. always flight.
85:What would be a question I’d be afraid to tell the truth on? Why are you letting him treat you this way?
86:What is my current desktop picture? japanese cherry blossoms but it'll change in 30 minutes.
87:Had sex? yes
88:Bought condoms? yes
89:Gotten pregnant? noooooo
90:Failed a class? I haven't gotten an F in a class yet.
91:Kissed a boy?duh
92:Kissed a girl? on the cheek
93:Have I ever kissed somebody in the rain? yes I have. my ex.
94:Had job? yes, I have one right now too.
95:Left the house without my wallet? yes. It was stupid but yes.
96:Bullied someone on the internet? no
97:Had sex in public? yes
98:Played on a sports team? nope
99:Smoked weed? I haven't smoked weed but I ate an edible and worst experience of my life
100:Did drugs? no
101:Smoked cigarettes? on accident when I was little. Didn't know it was still lit
102:Drank alcohol? yes. I am a college student.
103:Am I a vegetarian/vegan? no
104:Been overweight? I don't think so
105:Been underweight? probably when I was younger
106:Been to a wedding? yes
107:Been on the computer for 5 hours straight? of course
108:Watched TV for 5 hours straight? Duh
109:Been outside my home country? nope, never even been on a plane
110:Gotten my heart broken? Yes. and possibly again soon. Who knows.
111:Been to a professional sports game? yes actually
112:Broken a bone? nope
113:Cut myself? not on purpose
114:Been to prom? yes, both junior and senior year
115:Been in airplane? nope
116:Fly by helicopter? nope
117:What concerts have I been to? I went to a bruno mars concert once and a Timeflies concert.
118:Had a crush on someone of the same sex? no
119:Learned another language? tried, yes
120:Wore make up? I am a girl. Yes.
121:Lost my virginity before I was 18? yes.
122:Had oral sex? yes.
123:Dyed my hair? yes.
124:Voted in a presidential election? not yet.
125:Rode in an ambulance? nope
126:Had a surgery? on my teeth
127:Met someone famous? if you count youtube famous then yes.
128:Stalked someone on a social network? of course
129:Peed outside? during a road trip
130:Been fishing? nope
131:Helped with charity? yes
132:Been rejected by a crush? umm..... if you count now (but it's not an outright rejection)
133:Broken a mirror? no, i don't think so
134:What do I want for birthday? ummm..... I don't really know.
135:How many kids do I want and what will be their names? I haven't thought about this. I'm only 19.
136:Was I named after anyone? I highly doubt it.
137:Do I like my handwriting? Nope, it's crap
138:What was my favourite toy as a child? I don't really remember playing with any particular toy for a long time
139:Favourite Tv Show? I love Friends and also blue mountain state (for it's crude humor lol)
140:Where do I want to live when older? Somewhere nice
141:Play any musical instrument? no, I wish
142:One of my scars, how did I get it? I have a scar on my wrist. I got it when I broke my last bracelet against the wall of a pool. It was a tiny scratch but I guess it scarred.
143:Favourite pizza toping? Sausage and mushrooms
144:Am I afraid of the dark? sometimes
145:Am I afraid of heights? sometimes
146:Have I ever gotten caught sneaking out or doing anything bad? I haven't gotten caught sneaking out or doing anything bad
147:Have I ever tried my hardest and then gotten disappointed in the end? yes. one word. OCHEM.
148:What I'm really bad at. apparently OCHEM
149:What my greatest achievments are: I don't really know at this point
150:The meanest thing somebody has ever said to me. I don't really remember.... I can't think of anything right now
151:What I'd do if I won in a lottery: Buy lots of things
152:What do I like about myself: My hair is literally the best.... on some days.... ok... rarely, but I still like it
153:My closest Tumblr friend: I really want one but I don't know how to make friends
154:Something I fantasise about: being in a relationship
Well there, a lot of random answers to questions I don't care about but at least that was a distraction. I hate people. Bad mood. I am in such a bad mood.
Sunday, January 11, 2015
Another rant/vent thing
*sigh* I am trying to be more careful about who I vent to, which means that this blog is my only other option to get out my feelings since I don't have very many friends.
It's times like this I miss my friend. I totally would love to talk to her about this pain and then have her give me advice and then say I told you so when I don't listen. These are the times I miss her the most...
but anyway.... back to the point. I am so sick of crying over someone who doesn't care about me. What have I done to deserve this? I deserve at least one good relationship don't I?
With alan, I literally thought he was the one. Maybe I was stupid and naive because I was so young (that was probably it) but I really really cared about him and obviously he lied and did not care about my feelings (evidence was our breakup). Then now, with the guy I like... I obviously care a lot more than he cares. He probably doesn't even care.
Why do I have such bad luck with guys? Why do I have to like every attractive guy who is nice to me, even though his personality/ past is shit? Why?
I am so tired of being hurt, of crying over guys, of everything. I have not cried this much since alan broke up with me and I feel the same pain even though we aren't together (and he probably doesn't even want to be my boyfriend).
I am such an idiot. I am such a stupid stupid idiot. Crying over a boy who doesn't give a shit is stupid. I am so stupid. and this is what I do. I blame myself for this and it was kind of my fault. I shouldn't have gotten into this, but would it have been any better if I tried to not like him from the beginning? It was inevitable that I be hurt. Either by watching him flirt with other people with no idea that I liked him or.... still watching him flirt with other people knowing that I like him.... oh my goodness. The second is so much worse because he knows about it and doesn't give a crap about my feelings.
Ugh. Still feel like an idiot. Still crying. Still angry. Still so so sooooooo stupid. I need to talk to him. I need to and yet he runs away every time I try. He sucks. I'm stupid. I'm being played (something I never wanted).
This post is all over the place. I have stopped crying now but give it a few minutes, I am sure I will start again.
Fuck this and fuck him but also ugh he makes me laugh and I like his personality. I am in deep and either this needs to stop or I need to talk to him so I can figure out if being a temporary toy is worth this pain.
It's times like this I miss my friend. I totally would love to talk to her about this pain and then have her give me advice and then say I told you so when I don't listen. These are the times I miss her the most...
but anyway.... back to the point. I am so sick of crying over someone who doesn't care about me. What have I done to deserve this? I deserve at least one good relationship don't I?
With alan, I literally thought he was the one. Maybe I was stupid and naive because I was so young (that was probably it) but I really really cared about him and obviously he lied and did not care about my feelings (evidence was our breakup). Then now, with the guy I like... I obviously care a lot more than he cares. He probably doesn't even care.
Why do I have such bad luck with guys? Why do I have to like every attractive guy who is nice to me, even though his personality/ past is shit? Why?
I am so tired of being hurt, of crying over guys, of everything. I have not cried this much since alan broke up with me and I feel the same pain even though we aren't together (and he probably doesn't even want to be my boyfriend).
I am such an idiot. I am such a stupid stupid idiot. Crying over a boy who doesn't give a shit is stupid. I am so stupid. and this is what I do. I blame myself for this and it was kind of my fault. I shouldn't have gotten into this, but would it have been any better if I tried to not like him from the beginning? It was inevitable that I be hurt. Either by watching him flirt with other people with no idea that I liked him or.... still watching him flirt with other people knowing that I like him.... oh my goodness. The second is so much worse because he knows about it and doesn't give a crap about my feelings.
Ugh. Still feel like an idiot. Still crying. Still angry. Still so so sooooooo stupid. I need to talk to him. I need to and yet he runs away every time I try. He sucks. I'm stupid. I'm being played (something I never wanted).
This post is all over the place. I have stopped crying now but give it a few minutes, I am sure I will start again.
Fuck this and fuck him but also ugh he makes me laugh and I like his personality. I am in deep and either this needs to stop or I need to talk to him so I can figure out if being a temporary toy is worth this pain.
Sunday, January 4, 2015
I'm just as confused as ever.
*sigh* seriously, how do I even begin?
(btw I like writing posts addressed to certain people because I am SO much more literate when I am typing things out)
I don't like being played. I don't. If people are going to use me, please just tell me the truth when I ask you. If you really don't like me and won't really like me any time in the next few months, please tell me the truth instead of telling me you like me when in reality I can tell you don't.
Even though I can tell you aren't being 100% truthful, I am not going to call you out on it because I like to give people the benefit of the doubt. I told you I didn't want to be hurt when I went into whatever thing this is. Now, I am putting it all on you if I am going to be hurt because I like you. I already know I am going to get hurt because you are kind of a player. Let me go through our conversation.
I tell you to stop. Stop doing this to me if you don't want me attached because, to be honest, I am kind of getting attached. You tell me you're confused. You don't know what you want. You don't know if you want me attached or not. In response to this, I don't know. I understand where you're coming from but my cousin tells me that you're just saying that to keep me as back up. I don't want to be back up. I don't want to be a distraction. I don't want to be the side bitch (because let's face it I am letting you treat me like this because I like you).
You told me you liked me, but do I believe it? No. I don't believe it. How can I if you don't do a single thing to show me that you like me? You don't text me. You don't snapchat me. You don't talk to me. I sometimes even wonder if you care at all because it doesn't really seem like it and that hurts me because I think of you all the time. I think of you before I go to bed (and most times it makes me cry and have trouble sleeping, which I told you too). I tell you how bringing that girl to the party to get with her (while I was at the party too) really hurt me and all I heard were excuses. Even my cousin tells me that you're probably lying and don't really have any feelings for me (which was really brutal tbh...).
Sometimes you make me feel like I am stupid, that I am being irrational. Maybe I am, for a girl that you only mess around with no strings attached but the strings got attached and I told you. I can be hurt. I can be jealous. You can make me cry with your actions. I've told you all of this but what do you still do? You dance around the question and don't ever give me a straight answer. I guess people have told me that's how you are but now I am starting to realize how hard it is to actually discuss "us" with you.
It's kind of hard, discussing "us" when you don't know what you want. When I like you so much that it makes me into a complete mess. It also doesn't help that we only really talk when people remind you of the girl before (which absolutely CRUSHES my self esteem because according to you and others.... she's perfect and extremely hard to get over... but I don't hate her).
Ugh. What am I actually doing now? I know what I am doing. I am blogging away my frustrations because it's so hard to actually say things while I am sitting in your arms, crying my eyes out, and trying to communicate. I need this outlet. I had this outlet with alan. I blogged things and had him read it... but I am not showing this to you because I want to have this talk in person. <--- never would I EVER think I would say that since I am terrible with words.
Ugh. Maybe I am not ready for a relationship yet.... or maybe this is just how I am. I don't talk a lot. I don't say random things to make sounds when there is silence. I need someone who is willing to talk to me. I need someone who is not bothered when I don't really speak much because I am not a conversationalist. I suck at talking. Ugh. Alan understood that. How the heck was I even able to have a relationship when I have ZERO communication skills.
*sigh* I have used all of break to realize that I will let you hurt me. I will suffer through this unknown whatever we are because I like you. Because I tolerate A LOT of bullshit from people because I want to keep them in my life.
Why do I do that? I allowed my sister to walk all over me. I let go of whatever bothered be about Alan (even though I shouldn't have given him multiple chances.... I did). I did that with Danielle (basically dealing with someone who didn't care whether I was in their life or not since she almost never contacted me first). And now..... I will allow you to do this to me because I like you. That's one of the saddest things (about myself because I am always getting hurt), but I can't exactly change that about myself.
I am so done with this post. It's only making me upset.
"When you call me baby, I know I'm not the only one" -Sam Smith
"I'm thinking it over. The way you make me feel all sexy but it's causing me shame." -Banks
^lyrics to explain my life right now.
As an end note (and to possibly contradict everything that I just ranted about) I really liked spending new years eve with you and waking up in your arms the next day. Although I didn't get a new years kiss (even though I was standing RIGHT next to you and even looked at you... I understand that people were there and would not have approved) I really like spending time with you. A lot. and you just make me like you more.... UGH that was a total contradiction to my angry feelings.... WHY???????
(btw I like writing posts addressed to certain people because I am SO much more literate when I am typing things out)
I don't like being played. I don't. If people are going to use me, please just tell me the truth when I ask you. If you really don't like me and won't really like me any time in the next few months, please tell me the truth instead of telling me you like me when in reality I can tell you don't.
Even though I can tell you aren't being 100% truthful, I am not going to call you out on it because I like to give people the benefit of the doubt. I told you I didn't want to be hurt when I went into whatever thing this is. Now, I am putting it all on you if I am going to be hurt because I like you. I already know I am going to get hurt because you are kind of a player. Let me go through our conversation.
I tell you to stop. Stop doing this to me if you don't want me attached because, to be honest, I am kind of getting attached. You tell me you're confused. You don't know what you want. You don't know if you want me attached or not. In response to this, I don't know. I understand where you're coming from but my cousin tells me that you're just saying that to keep me as back up. I don't want to be back up. I don't want to be a distraction. I don't want to be the side bitch (because let's face it I am letting you treat me like this because I like you).
You told me you liked me, but do I believe it? No. I don't believe it. How can I if you don't do a single thing to show me that you like me? You don't text me. You don't snapchat me. You don't talk to me. I sometimes even wonder if you care at all because it doesn't really seem like it and that hurts me because I think of you all the time. I think of you before I go to bed (and most times it makes me cry and have trouble sleeping, which I told you too). I tell you how bringing that girl to the party to get with her (while I was at the party too) really hurt me and all I heard were excuses. Even my cousin tells me that you're probably lying and don't really have any feelings for me (which was really brutal tbh...).
Sometimes you make me feel like I am stupid, that I am being irrational. Maybe I am, for a girl that you only mess around with no strings attached but the strings got attached and I told you. I can be hurt. I can be jealous. You can make me cry with your actions. I've told you all of this but what do you still do? You dance around the question and don't ever give me a straight answer. I guess people have told me that's how you are but now I am starting to realize how hard it is to actually discuss "us" with you.
It's kind of hard, discussing "us" when you don't know what you want. When I like you so much that it makes me into a complete mess. It also doesn't help that we only really talk when people remind you of the girl before (which absolutely CRUSHES my self esteem because according to you and others.... she's perfect and extremely hard to get over... but I don't hate her).
Ugh. What am I actually doing now? I know what I am doing. I am blogging away my frustrations because it's so hard to actually say things while I am sitting in your arms, crying my eyes out, and trying to communicate. I need this outlet. I had this outlet with alan. I blogged things and had him read it... but I am not showing this to you because I want to have this talk in person. <--- never would I EVER think I would say that since I am terrible with words.
Ugh. Maybe I am not ready for a relationship yet.... or maybe this is just how I am. I don't talk a lot. I don't say random things to make sounds when there is silence. I need someone who is willing to talk to me. I need someone who is not bothered when I don't really speak much because I am not a conversationalist. I suck at talking. Ugh. Alan understood that. How the heck was I even able to have a relationship when I have ZERO communication skills.
*sigh* I have used all of break to realize that I will let you hurt me. I will suffer through this unknown whatever we are because I like you. Because I tolerate A LOT of bullshit from people because I want to keep them in my life.
Why do I do that? I allowed my sister to walk all over me. I let go of whatever bothered be about Alan (even though I shouldn't have given him multiple chances.... I did). I did that with Danielle (basically dealing with someone who didn't care whether I was in their life or not since she almost never contacted me first). And now..... I will allow you to do this to me because I like you. That's one of the saddest things (about myself because I am always getting hurt), but I can't exactly change that about myself.
I am so done with this post. It's only making me upset.
"When you call me baby, I know I'm not the only one" -Sam Smith
"I'm thinking it over. The way you make me feel all sexy but it's causing me shame." -Banks
^lyrics to explain my life right now.
As an end note (and to possibly contradict everything that I just ranted about) I really liked spending new years eve with you and waking up in your arms the next day. Although I didn't get a new years kiss (even though I was standing RIGHT next to you and even looked at you... I understand that people were there and would not have approved) I really like spending time with you. A lot. and you just make me like you more.... UGH that was a total contradiction to my angry feelings.... WHY???????
Tuesday, November 25, 2014
The day I realized I liked you....
Hey oh. I have not blogged in a while but there isn't really a lot that happened.... scratch that. There was A LOT that happened. We ain't even going to touch the stupid K drama that happened last weekend. I was not drunk enough to deal with the shit storm that K caused. ugh. Yeah, I didn't start this blog post to talk about her or anyone other than HIM.
I don't know... I guess I am just feeling a little emotional listening to sad songs and everything. A lot of people have told me bad things about him, including K (she said some mean things man), that I know are kind of true or kind of make sense but I just don't understand why I still like him. I don't. He's not my normal type. For one, he is a player and I have said it plenty of times. I HATE PLAYERS. I didn't ever want to be played (but look at where I am now? I am being played and it sucks). I didn't even want to converse with players (the thing is, I didn't know he was one when I started liking him). Two, my type is asian. Out of the probably hundreds of guys I have found attractive a good 95% of them are asian. I never thought I would have date anyone that wasn't asian because most times I wasn't even attracted to them (maybe that sounds racist, but I am just being honest). Three, he is 27. That is like a 8 year difference? That doesn't bother me but I thought my next boyfriend would be closer to my age. Alan was one year above me and about 1.5 years older than me. I never thought I would like someone who was that much older than me, at least not for my next boyfriend. His age honestly doesn't bother me. I am willing to date anyone from 17.5-29 although I would prefer older (but if my soulmate is younger I can't really help that) because I was raised up in a family where my grandparents have a 10+ years difference and several of my aunt and uncles have 7+ years difference. It's not weird to me.
But anyway, we are getting off topic. I was thinking about why I liked him and that lead to the day I realized that I liked him. It was a very weird moment I guess but thinking back it really makes me smile....
It was the day that he drank vodka through a straw.. haha I know that sounds kind of weird but that was one of the most memorable things about that night. We also "watched" world war Z (actually C watched world war Z, I got scared and went to bed. But the exact moment I realized I liked him was when we were sitting. He was sitting in C's chair and I was sitting in front of the chair on the floor. I was leaning back on his crossed legs and that was the best. He played with my hair (which is the best thing ever because guys are too scared of hurting you so they are super gentle with your hair). He was also leaning forward to talk to me and was looking up the cancer aquarius compatibility (which is sweet). That was the moment I knew I had fallen. I liked him. I still like him.
It frustrates me though. I like him so much. I would do anything to be his girl but at the same time I don't want to be his girl. I know he's a player. I know he's probably not looking for a commitment right now (he might even be scared of a commitment) but he is the first guy I have shown ANY interest in since my last boyfriend and I really really like him.
ugh. He knows I like him. but I have no idea how he feels about me. This is not the ideal situation that I want to be in right now. I have tried asking him how he feels about me, but both times he has sort of avoided the subject (which is probably a big clue that he doesn't really like me in that way)... I guess I will attempt to talk to him again (one day. I hate talks and they scare me because I will probably get told things I really don't want to hear).
You know it really sucks when you realize that as soon as there is another girl showing interest, he would drop me at the snap of a finger (at least I think so because I don't know how he feels about me but he's a player so probably). I am literally just a side bitch and it makes me want to cry because I never wanted to be in this situation but I like him so much I don't really want to be out of this situation.
Ugh. It would have been so much easier if I didn't fall for him, if I found my own man.
ugh. whatever. I am going to end this by giving a big fuck you to K for saying that he was an asshole and a complete joke for being 27 and still working on his graduate degree. What kind of person says that about their friend? two faced bitch.
^ because of that, you don't want to get on my bad side. Once I hate you, I HATE you.
I don't know... I guess I am just feeling a little emotional listening to sad songs and everything. A lot of people have told me bad things about him, including K (she said some mean things man), that I know are kind of true or kind of make sense but I just don't understand why I still like him. I don't. He's not my normal type. For one, he is a player and I have said it plenty of times. I HATE PLAYERS. I didn't ever want to be played (but look at where I am now? I am being played and it sucks). I didn't even want to converse with players (the thing is, I didn't know he was one when I started liking him). Two, my type is asian. Out of the probably hundreds of guys I have found attractive a good 95% of them are asian. I never thought I would have date anyone that wasn't asian because most times I wasn't even attracted to them (maybe that sounds racist, but I am just being honest). Three, he is 27. That is like a 8 year difference? That doesn't bother me but I thought my next boyfriend would be closer to my age. Alan was one year above me and about 1.5 years older than me. I never thought I would like someone who was that much older than me, at least not for my next boyfriend. His age honestly doesn't bother me. I am willing to date anyone from 17.5-29 although I would prefer older (but if my soulmate is younger I can't really help that) because I was raised up in a family where my grandparents have a 10+ years difference and several of my aunt and uncles have 7+ years difference. It's not weird to me.
But anyway, we are getting off topic. I was thinking about why I liked him and that lead to the day I realized that I liked him. It was a very weird moment I guess but thinking back it really makes me smile....
It was the day that he drank vodka through a straw.. haha I know that sounds kind of weird but that was one of the most memorable things about that night. We also "watched" world war Z (actually C watched world war Z, I got scared and went to bed. But the exact moment I realized I liked him was when we were sitting. He was sitting in C's chair and I was sitting in front of the chair on the floor. I was leaning back on his crossed legs and that was the best. He played with my hair (which is the best thing ever because guys are too scared of hurting you so they are super gentle with your hair). He was also leaning forward to talk to me and was looking up the cancer aquarius compatibility (which is sweet). That was the moment I knew I had fallen. I liked him. I still like him.
It frustrates me though. I like him so much. I would do anything to be his girl but at the same time I don't want to be his girl. I know he's a player. I know he's probably not looking for a commitment right now (he might even be scared of a commitment) but he is the first guy I have shown ANY interest in since my last boyfriend and I really really like him.
ugh. He knows I like him. but I have no idea how he feels about me. This is not the ideal situation that I want to be in right now. I have tried asking him how he feels about me, but both times he has sort of avoided the subject (which is probably a big clue that he doesn't really like me in that way)... I guess I will attempt to talk to him again (one day. I hate talks and they scare me because I will probably get told things I really don't want to hear).
You know it really sucks when you realize that as soon as there is another girl showing interest, he would drop me at the snap of a finger (at least I think so because I don't know how he feels about me but he's a player so probably). I am literally just a side bitch and it makes me want to cry because I never wanted to be in this situation but I like him so much I don't really want to be out of this situation.
Ugh. It would have been so much easier if I didn't fall for him, if I found my own man.
ugh. whatever. I am going to end this by giving a big fuck you to K for saying that he was an asshole and a complete joke for being 27 and still working on his graduate degree. What kind of person says that about their friend? two faced bitch.
^ because of that, you don't want to get on my bad side. Once I hate you, I HATE you.
Thursday, September 25, 2014
I don't know, kind of feeling bitter.
As my title suggests, I am kind of feeling bitter and emotional right now. No, it is not that time of the month although this could have something to do with me only sleeping for 4 hours monday night and then only sleeping for 2.5 tuesday night (it is now wednesday).
I am not very functional when I don't get enough sleep and I am hungry. I don't know what to do anymore. I guess I just need a really good cry to get every emotion out of my system, isn't that the girly thing to do?
What is even my life right now? I don't know what's going on. I don't know what to do. I just don't know. There are people giving me opinions and advice and it's not that I don't want to listen to it or that it's bad advice (because it's actually really logical and good advice). I am just not the type of girl that thinks about the future (and when I do, I get upset and I feel like puking. It's sort of like anxiety).
I know I am being kind of vague, but things were said that just brought up old emotions (old painful emotions) that I would just not like to think about or feel. I really just don't want to be hurt again but when my friends gave me advice, I felt like I was drowning and just digging myself a deeper hole. I am kind of over thinking things and letting my feelings get the best of me.
This all is just a jumbled mess, but I have to have somewhere to get it out and this is the place. I don't really know what I am going to do. I don't really know what I am going to say but I hope this all works out for the sake of everyone involved. I am just soooo stressed right now that I don't even want to think of anything but homework.
That's when you know you've got it bad. When you actually focus on homework in order to distract yourself from something. I just don't even know anymore. My friends are pressuring me into talking to him and it just stresses me out because I am not his girlfriend and what we have to talk about is sort of like defining the relationship even though we already told each other what we wanted.
Oh my goodness. I am just so stressing right now I practically feel like crying whenever I think of this. OMG. I could totally get friend zoned too. I am just scared out of my mind and nervous as to what will happen. Maybe I will speak more on this later.
I am not very functional when I don't get enough sleep and I am hungry. I don't know what to do anymore. I guess I just need a really good cry to get every emotion out of my system, isn't that the girly thing to do?
What is even my life right now? I don't know what's going on. I don't know what to do. I just don't know. There are people giving me opinions and advice and it's not that I don't want to listen to it or that it's bad advice (because it's actually really logical and good advice). I am just not the type of girl that thinks about the future (and when I do, I get upset and I feel like puking. It's sort of like anxiety).
I know I am being kind of vague, but things were said that just brought up old emotions (old painful emotions) that I would just not like to think about or feel. I really just don't want to be hurt again but when my friends gave me advice, I felt like I was drowning and just digging myself a deeper hole. I am kind of over thinking things and letting my feelings get the best of me.
This all is just a jumbled mess, but I have to have somewhere to get it out and this is the place. I don't really know what I am going to do. I don't really know what I am going to say but I hope this all works out for the sake of everyone involved. I am just soooo stressed right now that I don't even want to think of anything but homework.
That's when you know you've got it bad. When you actually focus on homework in order to distract yourself from something. I just don't even know anymore. My friends are pressuring me into talking to him and it just stresses me out because I am not his girlfriend and what we have to talk about is sort of like defining the relationship even though we already told each other what we wanted.
Oh my goodness. I am just so stressing right now I practically feel like crying whenever I think of this. OMG. I could totally get friend zoned too. I am just scared out of my mind and nervous as to what will happen. Maybe I will speak more on this later.
Sunday, September 7, 2014
It's time?
You know, it's been a really long time since I have liked a guy. I guess I have been attracted to many guys before. I have always claimed that I liked them, but it wasn't really like that. I have realized that I can't say I like a guy unless I really got to know him. With all the guys that I have said that I "liked" before, they were just attractions. I never actually got to know them.
With that being said, I have probably only REALLY liked probably 4 or 5 guys in all of my 19 years. I liked a guy that I will call X and Y in elementary school. These two guys, I actually talked to and played with. They were my little girl crushes. Then there was B and A(who many already know who A is, I don't think I talk about B often enough). I talked to B for like a good two weeks and I thought I liked him, but I let the opinions of others get in the way and he just sort of went away (or I sort of stopped communicating with him). Then there is A who I had my first real relationship with. He made me really happy and he also made me really sad.
Anyway, enough about that. My point is that I don't really know what to do when I like someone. It's been 4 years since I have been in a relationship, meaning it has been 4 years since I have liked someone. I am not even sure I know what to do anymore. I think I might like someone else now. I don't really know where I want this new development to go. I don't know if I really want a relationship right now. I know that I like hanging out with him, I think he's cute, and I think he's fun. What I worry about is kind of whether he is off limits or not (because he's good friends with my friend). I don't really know what to do. I kind of just want to have fun and do nice relationshippy things. I don't really want to be in a committed relationship.
I really just need someone else. Someone to clean the slate from the mess that was Alan. I need to experience a fun relationship, I don't think I need a completely serious relationship right now. I don't even know where this guy and I stand.
I mean I love hugging him and poking him and just sitting next to him while we watch tv or a movie. Yesterday he attempted to braid my hair and he was using my legs as a pillow while we watched a movie at like 4 in the morning. Just thinking about these relationship types things make me pretty happy. I mean he's just there and he's awesome and nice. I really like this aspect of relationships. I don't think I want someone to say good morning too and then talk for the rest of the day (because we don't do that). I don't need someone to tell all of my deepest darkest secrets to and see me at my most vulnerable. I really think all I need right now is fun.
Ugh, the thought of me actually liking another person makes me happy and yet it oddly stresses me out.
I am really at a loss here.
With that being said, I have probably only REALLY liked probably 4 or 5 guys in all of my 19 years. I liked a guy that I will call X and Y in elementary school. These two guys, I actually talked to and played with. They were my little girl crushes. Then there was B and A(who many already know who A is, I don't think I talk about B often enough). I talked to B for like a good two weeks and I thought I liked him, but I let the opinions of others get in the way and he just sort of went away (or I sort of stopped communicating with him). Then there is A who I had my first real relationship with. He made me really happy and he also made me really sad.
Anyway, enough about that. My point is that I don't really know what to do when I like someone. It's been 4 years since I have been in a relationship, meaning it has been 4 years since I have liked someone. I am not even sure I know what to do anymore. I think I might like someone else now. I don't really know where I want this new development to go. I don't know if I really want a relationship right now. I know that I like hanging out with him, I think he's cute, and I think he's fun. What I worry about is kind of whether he is off limits or not (because he's good friends with my friend). I don't really know what to do. I kind of just want to have fun and do nice relationshippy things. I don't really want to be in a committed relationship.
I really just need someone else. Someone to clean the slate from the mess that was Alan. I need to experience a fun relationship, I don't think I need a completely serious relationship right now. I don't even know where this guy and I stand.
I mean I love hugging him and poking him and just sitting next to him while we watch tv or a movie. Yesterday he attempted to braid my hair and he was using my legs as a pillow while we watched a movie at like 4 in the morning. Just thinking about these relationship types things make me pretty happy. I mean he's just there and he's awesome and nice. I really like this aspect of relationships. I don't think I want someone to say good morning too and then talk for the rest of the day (because we don't do that). I don't need someone to tell all of my deepest darkest secrets to and see me at my most vulnerable. I really think all I need right now is fun.
Ugh, the thought of me actually liking another person makes me happy and yet it oddly stresses me out.
I am really at a loss here.
Tuesday, July 29, 2014
Deep Ass Questions #9
Think of the last person who you know that died. You have the chance to give them 1 hour of life back, but you have to give up one year of yours. Do you do it? Why or Why not?
Well the last person that I know that died was either my great uncle or the grandpa of someone I know. Both happened around the same time so I am not sure which one died first. I haven't ever dealt with a close death. My grandpa on my dad's side died before I was born and my other grandparents have yet to pass (and I am hoping every single day that they don't anytime soon). I know for sure that if I had to give up one year of my life to bring back either of those people for 1 hour, there will be no question in my mind that I would accept the consequences. I am still young so I still have many years ahead of me. Giving up one year of my life wouldn't be a huge deal compared to having someone get to say things that they never said or do something that they never got to do. It would be worth it in my mind.
Well the last person that I know that died was either my great uncle or the grandpa of someone I know. Both happened around the same time so I am not sure which one died first. I haven't ever dealt with a close death. My grandpa on my dad's side died before I was born and my other grandparents have yet to pass (and I am hoping every single day that they don't anytime soon). I know for sure that if I had to give up one year of my life to bring back either of those people for 1 hour, there will be no question in my mind that I would accept the consequences. I am still young so I still have many years ahead of me. Giving up one year of my life wouldn't be a huge deal compared to having someone get to say things that they never said or do something that they never got to do. It would be worth it in my mind.
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