Describe him like an author would

I'm going to try this thing that I found on tumblr. I am going to try to describe the guy I like like an author would in a book. Here goes lol.


He was the type of guy you fell in love with, with the kind eyes and gentle smile. He had passion in his eyes and hair so nice. (lol i am so failing at this) Maybe he'd be the nice guy you could spend the rest of your life with and maybe he was the beast you could not tame. From experience he was the latter. He drew me in with his kind words and his lust. He was a wildfire and burned everything in me, leaving nothing but pain in his wake.

64 things you don't think about often

I'm going to answer some more tumblr questions because I need a distraction from my feelings of sadness.

1. Do you ever doubt the existence of others than you?
Do you mean aliens? I don't doubt the existence of life on planets other than earth. The universe is huge and anything is possible.

2. On a scale of 1-5, how afraid of the dark are you?
probably a 3.5. I freak myself out in the dark sometimes and think things are there when they aren't/

3. The person you would never want to meet?
A serial killer? I think they're geniuses but completely messed up...

4. What is your favorite word?
Dress. I LOVE dresses lol. I own over 50 dresses.

5. If you were a type of tree, what would you be?
I would be a weeping willow. Those trees are beautiful.

6. When you looked in the mirror this morning what was the first thing you thought?
What is my hair right now? I put my hair in a loose bun and it kind of came undone but not really so it looked really bad.

7. What shirt are you wearing?
I am actually wearing a dress right now lol

8. What do you label yourself as?
The quiet shy girl who sits in the back and doesn't like attention

9. Bright room or dark room?
I prefer a darker room (but not completely pitch black). My room in the mornings is my preferred lighting.

10. What were you doing at midnight last night?
Crying over a guy who probably doesn't care about me *sigh*

11. Favorite age you’ve been so far?
19. I don't really like 20 right now. 19 was when I gained more confidence.

12. Who told you they loved you last?
I think it was my best friend in February probably. I don't hear it often.

13. Your worst enemy?
Fuck boys. ugh.

14. What is your current desktop picture?
Inuyasha and Kagome on a bicycle lol it changes every 30 minutes.

15. Do you like someone?
Yes.

16. The last song you listened to?
Toes by Glassy Animals

17. You can press a button that will make any one person explode. Who would you blow up?
I don't know actually.... probably some serial killer or something

18. Who would you really like to just punch in the face?
Right now? The guy I like. He's an idiot and I am sad and kind of angry.

19. If anyone could be your slave for a day, who would it be and what would they have to do?
I don't like this question. I wouldn't want to force anyone to have to do something for me.

20. What is your best physical attribute? (showing said attribute is optional)
I have been told I Have a nice butt and also nice shoulder muscles... but I like my hair

21. If you were the opposite sex for one day, what would you look like and what would you do?
I would probably look like some tall nerdy asian lol and I'd probably do the helicopter dick thing haha

22. Do you have a secret talent? If yes, what is it?
I don't really know what is justified as a secret talent. I can write in cursive (sad that this is dying)

23. What is one unique thing you’re afraid of?
Loud dog barks?

24. You can only have one kind of sandwich. Every sandwich ingredient known to humankind is at your disposal.
White bread with lots of roast beef, lays original chips, mayo, mustard, lettuce.

25. You just found $100! How are you going to spend it?
on school. Broke college student life

26. You just got a free plane ticket to anywhere in the world, but you have to leave immediately. Where are you going to go? Hong Kong
27. An angel appears out of Heaven and offers you a lifetime supply of the alcoholic beverage of your choice. “Be brand-specific” it says. Man! What are you gonna say about that? Even if you don’t drink booze there’s something you can figure out… so what’s it gonna be?
Reid's apple ale or Verdi champagne

28. You discover a beautiful island upon which you may build your own society. You make the rules. What is the first rule you put into place?
No fuck boys

29. What is your favorite expletive?
fuck

30. Your house is on fire, holy shit! You have just enough time to run in there and grab ONE inanimate object. Don’t worry, your loved ones and pets have already made it out safely. So what’s the one thing you’re going to save from that blazing inferno?
My purse. All of my personal information is in it

31. You can erase any horrible experience from your past. What will it be?
ET ride at disneyland. It was more embarrassing than horrible lol

32. You got kicked out of the country for being a time-traveling heathen who sleeps with celebrities and has super-powers. But check out this cool shit… you can move to anywhere else in the world!
Soooo am i supposed to chose a place to live? London.

33. The Celestial Gates Of Beyond have opened, much to your surprise because you didn’t think such a thing existed. Death appears. As it turns out, Death is actually a pretty cool entity, and happens to be in a fantastic mood. Death offers to return the friend/family-member/person/etc. of your choice to the living world. Who will you bring back?
My grandpa on my dad's side. I would have loved to see what kind of person he would have been.

34. What was your last dream about?
The guy I like was scared to be with me but I told him I wanted to be with him because of his personality. Not because of anything else so he didn't have to change.

35. Are you a good….[insert anything you’d like here]?
I have been told I am a good kisser.

36. Have you ever been admitted to the hospital?
not on accident. I've had some sort of teeth surgery or something and had to go to the hospital for it.

37. Have you ever built a snowman?
yes

38. What is the color of your socks?
I wear black socks with color accents

39. What type of music do you like?
I like sad ballads with wonderful and whispy voices

40. Do you prefer sunrises or sunsets?
sunsets are beautiful

41. What is your favorite milkshake flavor?
Chocolate

42. What football team do you support? (I will answer in terms of American football as well as soccer)
Since I don't follow sports I will say Broncos and Rapids

43. Do you have any scars?
Yes. I have a scar on my wrist from when I broke my last jade bracelet. I now have a scar on my leg from overly scratching a thing I had on my thigh.

44. What do you want to be when you graduate?
I really want to synthesize and test medicine

45. If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?
My inability to be comfortable in a large group of people. It hold me back.

46. Are you reliable?
Yes. 100% yes.

47. If you could ask your future self one question, what would it be?
Was it worth it?

48. Do you hold grudges?
Yes I do.

49. If you could breed two animals together to defy the laws of nature, what new animal would you create?
I have no idea..... I would breed a horse and a narwal to create a unicorn!

50. What is the most unusual conversation you’ve ever had?
We had a conversation about porn once... it was weird.

51. Are you a good liar?
Not really

52. How long could you go without talking?
A week.... probably more if I am not seeing my best friend.

53. What has been you worst haircut/style?
7th grade. Bob.

54. Have you ever baked your own cake?
Not my own cake but I have baked cupcakes.

55. Can you do any accents other than your own?
not really

56. What do you like on your toast?
Jam and sometimes a little bit of butter

57. What is the last thing you drew a picture of?
an upside-down heart

58. What would be you dream car?
some sort of Mclaren

59. Do you sing in the shower? Or do anything unusual in the shower? Explain.
Sometimes I sing in the shower if I have my iPod in there with me. I have a weird routine when I shower.

60. Do you believe in aliens? It's possible.

61. Do you often read your horoscope? Yes.

62. What is your favorite letter of the alphabet? N

63. Which is cooler: dinosaurs or dragons? Dragons are WAY cooler.

64. What do you think about babies? They're cute but I am NOT ready for one yet.

hahaha what.

Well those 3 days passed and ugh I don't even know. I didn't snap him on the second day but I did like his moment on tinder. Then the third day I did not snap him at all. After the 3rd day, I snapped him and asked him if I could come over the next day. He basically said no and said we should stop this, whatever it is we had. He even unmatched me on Tinder, which is when I knew he was serious. But then he sent me another snap and then we kept snapping.

Long story short, he gave in and I went over. And now where are we? I don't even know. He still wants to stop this but his actions say otherwise. He said he wanted to say no to me yesterday... but he didn't. I asked him why? He has yet to respond yet.... but I WILL get a response. This isn't fair to me. Being in this situation and him stopping this. I have so many feelings for him. He got everything he wanted and what do I end up with? A broken heart and new insecurities. I gave him basically what he wanted and what did that get me? Nowhere. He discredited me and labeled me as undatable before even giving me a chance. ugh. I just want answers.

This will not be another alan. He will not leave me without answers. I deserve at least that.

Well i failed lol

Lol I failed. I sent one snapchat to him today. He saw it and did not send me one back. I will not snap him tomorrow. I refuse.

Three Days.

Hello. I am going to give him three days. I will not contact him first for three days. If he contacts me first, I am allowed to look and reply. I am not allowed to ask him questions. I am not allowed to contact him first.

I need to do this for myself. I need to do this to see if he cares about me as anything other than just a body.

I am writing this to hold myself accountable for it. If I fail, I am a fool. If I succeed.... I might be heartbroken. I am scared that he really won't contact me at all but maybe i'll finally realize the truth.

I need to do this. At the end of the three days and he does't contact me, I will confront him about it and call him out on all his fucking bullshit. I am getting freaking tired of this.

Ew. What am I even?

Hello world. I feel like crap right now emotionally and I don't know who to vent to so what better place than this lovely blog i have here.

I know I haven't posted in a while. I usually just cry to myself now a days. Ugh. What are college problems? I am a college problem. Never have I ever thought I would be in the position I am in right now.

To be honest, I have feelings. Strong feelings. Strong feelings of like, maybe even love (many people would say it isn't but they way I feel with him is just happy). All these feelings for one guy.

One guy who is going to break my heart and I know that but the part of me (my heart) is convincing me that the happiness I feel is worth all the pain I feel when I am not with him.

You don't know the happy feelings I get when his name pops up as a notification on my snapchat (which it doesn't happen often because he sucks at responding and out 92 day snap streak scares him).

You don't know the happy feelings I get when he's sitting across from me and I am just looking at him, wondering what I got myself into and how i'm going to survive the heartbreak that is going to come one day or another when he's decided he's done playing with me/

He makes me feel alive. I can even tell you when I knew that I feel the way I do about him. I knew I liked him but I knew I had fallen completely on that one snowy night at a party and he taught me how to salsa (kind of lol). That's when I knew.... This is going to end badly.

All the reason's I like him. Let me tell you.
-When he gets passionate about what he's talking about. It makes him so totally attractive.
-When he talks to himself while he's playing video games
-The way he kisses me
-He makes me laugh. All the time.
-The way he mumbles and then says never mind when I tell him to repeat what he said but he refuses to tell me until i push it out of him
-He salsa danced with me
-He tucked me in that one day he had to leave really early
-His interest in space
-His nerdiness

I could think of many more moments that made me realize how much and why I like him so much but there are so many reasons he aggravates me as well. Why? just why? I don't even know. I don't.

All this frustration....

Hello. It is currently 9:37 AM. I am really angry and frustrated and just really shaken up by a dream I just had. I am so upset that I even considered going to the gym to help relieve some of it but nope. I'm just not the gym going type so here I am venting to you again, my blog.

Ok, here I go. My dream was really really fucking sad. Like all the stuff that happened last night just blew it up so much. It was based on what D had said. Like I was snap chatting him, seeing if he would be down to hook up again last night. He said that I was drunk and he was not so it wasn't a good idea but I wasn't drunk and i really really really wanted to hook up. But he said no and I was really fucking sad and also fucking paranoid that he was just saying no so he could sleep with some other girl because M said he was with 3 girls last night when he told us he was with his friend. Also, he had dinner with people that we didn't know.

I'm not saying he isn't allowed to have friends outside of my little friend group and I am not saying that he isn't allowed to go to parties by himself and have fun... but what I don't like is how he has to like play around and lie and not tell us what he's doing. Like it was stupid. He invited us to go to a house party and yet he wouldn't tell us a clear address or anything. I was so fucking confused and it only made it seem like he was hiding stuff. I just want him to be truthful to me and to his friends. I don't fucking understand.

Which brings me to my time at the party. The whole time I was hoping he would come back. I was watching the door and then I was just like fuck it, he isn't coming back so I danced with another guy and made out with him and I never got his name because the cops came and busted it up. Ugh, not a very smart decision but D wasn't there and I wanted to dance and then when they turn me around, I always end up leaning in and kissing them. Like fuck me right? I am so stupid. I should really stop doing that but whatever. It happened and I was frustrated D wasn't there and wouldn't give us a straight answer and I just really fucking like grinding.

So then that brings me to the after and how I was acting like a stupid desperate bitch and trying to get him to let me come over so we could hook up. and then he said no and like I went over this already. But seriously, what is the whole point of being sex buddies if I can't have sex whenever I want? There really is no point to it then. My sexual libido is pretty high, like seriously. I am almost never satisfied when having sex with D. But maybe I am saying that because I am really frustrated right now.

That brings me to my dream. In my dream, it was kind of based on this whole things that just happened last night. D was being a huge douche and like not being clear with anything. I don't remember exactly but it was extremely upsetting and like I felt like he hooked up with another girl last night in my dream and he wouldn't give me a straight answer even though I asked him. Then after all of that frustration, in my mind it like panned to a flashback of his room last night and there was another girl in his bed and he was snap chatting me no and that was just the most devastating thing ever.

Seriously. I am just really fucking angry right now. I really really need to have a talk with him and actually talk because it really isn't getting any better for me. I am just holding all of my frustrations inside and now they are being released into my blog. Seriously, what did I expect from him? Not a lot but I expect him to be truthful. I don't know how to act around him. I don't know if he's ever genuine with his words because he could just be saying things to keep me happy or whatever so I would continue sleeping with him but I am not. I am not very happy. Never have I ever thought I would be in this kind of fucking situation where I am vying after the attention of some douche who doesn't even want me.

I am being played, hard core and I know it but I really fucking like him and I don't know how to deal with this right now. I am not happy. I am not okay. I really fucking need to have a talk with him where I actually say things that I need to say, concerns that I am feeling, and overall what he's doing to me. I don't think I am going to have sex with him again, but I really need our friendship to be okay because he would make a pretty nice friend. I just have all these confusing signals coming from them. They're probably not real because he was drunk for a lot of it but fuck it. I just need to sit down and have an actual conversation, not one where I am trying to talk to him and he's trying to take off my clothes.

I don't want a repeat of what happened Tuesday night when I just got an overwhelming wave of sadness come over me for absolutely no reason and then me having to be awkward and take a walk to stop myself from crying profusely. I don't want to do that again because it sucked feeling that way. Ugh. I think this rant it done. I hate guys. I hate people. I just want to live in solitude for forever and ever so I could avoid being hurt.

Would it be better to be extremely lonely or face all of this pain? I don't even know. I don't even know.

More random questions

Here are some more questions that I will answer. I found these in a 100 questions no one asks video on youtube.

Q U E S T I O N S-
1:Do you sleep with your closet doors open or closed? At home I have a walk in closet so that door is always closed. In my college apartment, I have sliding mirror doors so I guess they are opened.
2:Do you take the shampoos and conditioner bottles from hotel? My mom does but I don't personally
3:Do you sleep with your sheets tucked in or out? I sleep on top of my sheets... didn't know you were supposed to sleep under it.
4:Have you ever stolen a street sign before? no....... Who steals street signs
5:Do you like to use post-it notes? Yes. I have several around my desk right now
6:Do you cut out coupons but then never use them? My mom cuts out the coupons for me and I never use them.
7:Would you rather be attacked by a big bear or a swarm of a bees? Big bear. I HATE bees
8:Do you have freckles? I have big pores but no freckles
9:Do you always smile for pictures? Nope. I hate pictures.
10:What is your biggest pet peeve? Liars. I hate catching people in lies. It upsets me
11:Do you ever count your steps when you walk? Nope
12:Have you ever peed in the woods? nope. I've never been camping or anything like that
13:What about pooped in the woods? Nope.
14:Do you ever dance even if theres no music playing? I need music for my body to move
15:Do you chew your pens and pencils? I only chew pens
16:How many people have you slept with this week? None. well one if you count my stuffed bear.
17:What size is your bed? Full in my apartment. Queen at home.
18:What is your Song of the week? Compass or East of Eden by Zella Day
19:Is it okay for guys to wear pink? Of course. I think pink is a nice color
20:Do you still watch cartoons? Of course.
21:Whats your least favorite movie? I did not like wolf of wall street.
22:Where would you bury hidden treasure if you had some? umm... I have no idea.... in a park
23:What do you drink with dinner? Cherry coke
24:What do you dip a chicken nugget in? Ranch and BBQ sauce
25:What is your favorite food? I love all food.
26:What movies could you watch over and over and still love? WHITE CHICKS and mean girls
27:Last person you kissed/kissed you? The D
28:Were you ever a boy/girl scout? nope.
29:Would you ever strip or pose nude in a magazine? How much? jk. Not if you could see my face
30:When was the last time you wrote a letter to someone on paper? My ex. eww.
31:Can you change the oil on a car? nope
32:Ever gotten a speeding ticket? NOPE and darn proud
33:Ever ran out of gas? Nope. I get really paranoid when it goes under 1/4 left
34:Favorite kind of sandwich? Banh Mi
35:Best thing to eat for breakfast? Eggs
36:What is your usual bedtime? If i have school in the morning, then around 1 am. If i don't have school.... after 2 am
37:Are you lazy? Heck yeah
38:When you were a kid, what did you dress up as for Halloween? I was a pumpkin for like 3 years and I was the green tellietubby once.
39:What is your Chinese astrological sign? I am a boar!
40:How many languages can you speak? Cantonese, English, and a little bit of spanish
41:Do you have any magazine subscriptions? I used to be subscribed to seventeen but not anymore.
42:Which are better legos or lincoln logs? LEGOS
43:Are you stubborn? Heck yeah.
44:Who is better...Leno or Letterman? I don't watch either
45:Ever watch soap operas? I watch dramas.
46:Are you afraid of heights? Depending on the height
47:Do you sing in the car? Heck yes.
48:Do you sing in the shower? sometimes
49:Do you dance in the car? Depends on where I am
50:Ever used a gun? nope
51:Last time you got a portrait taken by a photographer? Those pictures they made you take for your student ID in high school
52:Do you think musicals are cheesy? I like them
53:Is Christmas stressful? sometimes.
54:Ever eat a pierogi? nope
55:Favorite type of fruit pie? Apple all the way
56:Occupations you wanted to be when you were a kid? Apparently my mom said I wanted to be an astronaut but I wanted to be an accountant
57:Do you believe in ghosts? depends
58:Ever have a Deja-vu feeling? all the time.
59:Take a vitamin daily? no.... i should
60:Wear slippers? no
61:Wear a bath robe? no, i've tried but it doesn't work
62:What do you wear to bed? Shorts and a t-shirt
63:First concert? Bruno Mars
64:Wal-Mart, Target or Kmart? TARGET
65:Nike or Adidas? neither?
66:Cheetos Or Fritos? Cheetos. is that even a question?
67:Peanuts or Sunflower seeds? peanuts
68:Ever hear of the group Tres Bien? no
69:Ever take dance lessons? I took ballet for like a month when I was little
70:Is there a profession you picture your future spouse doing? something smart
71:Can you curl your tongue? yes
72:Ever won a spelling bee? no, i suck at spelling. Today I tried to spell door as dore
73:Have you ever cried because you were so happy? I don't remember
74:Own any record albums? no
75:Own a record player? no
76:Regularly burn incense? no
77:Ever been in love? yes and he broke my heart.
78:Who would you like to see in concert? Big Bang or EXO
79:What was the last concert you saw? Timeflies!
80:Hot tea or cold tea? hot tea
81:Tea or coffee? tea
82:Sugar or snickerdoodles? snickerdoodles
83:Can you swim well? I can swim poorly
84:Can you hold your breath without holding your nose? yes
85:Are you patient? depends on what we're talking about
86:DJ or band, at a wedding? dj
87:Ever won a contest? yes actually
88:Ever have plastic surgery? no
89:Which are better black or green olives? black
90:Can you knit or crochet? both
91:Best room for a fireplace? Living room
92:Do you want to get married? Yes, some day and hopefully to the right person
93:If married, how long have you been married? i aint married.
94:Who was your HS crush? We'll call him A
95:Do you cry and throw a fit until you get your own way? mum no.... am I 5?
96:Do you have kids? No
97:Do you want kids? One day
98:Whats your favorite color? Blue
99:Do you miss anyone right now? Yes.
100. Something that happened to you in middle school. I once told a kid I thought his last name was spelled wrong on his own folder... but then I realized that he knew how to spell his own name and I was the one who had it wrong...

I need a distraction

I need a distraction, so I am going to mindlessly answer a list of questions I found on tumblr. Maybe I will find this post some day in the future and see how much my answers changed.

1:Name: Felicia
2:Age: 19
3:3 Fears: ending up alone, having my heart broken, death
4:3 things I love: reading, music, nice weather
5:4 turn ons: Smelling nice is number one, passion, height (the taller the better), and butt touches lol
6:4 turn offs: I don't really have anything that is an instant turn off.... soo.....
7:My best friend: I like to think of G-Dawg as my best friend
8:Sexual orientation: Stright
9:My best first date: I've only had one first date..... so.......
10:How tall am I: almost 5 ft 7
11:What/Who do I miss: I miss the D.... lol. jk but not really (his name starts with a D)
12:What time was I born: I have NO idea
13:Favourite color: Blue. all shades of blue
14:Do I have a crush: Of course. The D.
15:Favourite quote: "One must always be careful of books and what is inside them, for words have the power to change us.” -Tessa Gray
16:Favourite place: My bed.
17:Favourite food: I can't decide this omg
18:Do I use sarcasm: Obvi
19:What am I listening to right now: sad music that reflect how I am feeling about the D
20:First thing I notice in a new person: Height
21:Shoe size: 7.5
22:Eye color: black... no, just dark brown
23:Hair color: Black like my soul.... no, just really really really dark brown
24:Favourite style of clothing: I like girly cute things?
25:Ever done a prank call? I never prank called someone but I have been on the receiving end of a prank call
27:Meaning behind my URL: I made this blog when I was a younger teen and I am not a social person so therefore there is the non-socialite part
28:Favourite movie: I can't really chose..... I like comedies.
29:Favourite song: Too many to chose. omg. Right now I really like Compass and East of Eden by Zella Day
30:Favourite band: Big Bang?
31:How I feel right now: Sad and very pissy. I've been in a bad mood all freaking day
32:Someone I love: my grandma
33:My current relationship status: Single and not ready to mingle because of the D.
34:My relationship with my parents: is almost non-exsistant.
35:Favourite holiday: I really like Chinese New Years
36:Tattoos and piercings i have: Ears are pierced. That's it
37:Tattoos and piercings i want: There are 4 tattoo designs I want. A pokeball on my wrist, the rune for angelic power, an arrow made from the letters EXO, and a little kitty cat shadow.
38:The reason I joined Tumblr: To look at attractive Korean men.
39:Do I and my last ex hate each other?: Ha. Yes. I used to love him but now it's a lot of hurt and hate.
40:Do I ever get “good morning” or “good night ” texts? Sometimes I get goodnight texts but not from a lover or something
41:Have I ever kissed the last person you texted?: Last person I texted was my friend emily and I have kissed her on the cheek.
42:When did I last hold hands? after sex.
43:How long does it take me to get ready in the morning? not long, like 15-20 minutes if I don't shower
44:Have you shaved your legs in the past three days? no
45:Where am I right now? in my apartment room
46:If I were drunk and can’t stand, who’s taking care of me? I would like to think the D would take care of me but fuck him, if there are other girls there he would probably be trying to get in their pants so not him. Probably Emily, Chris, or G-Dawg.
47:Do I like my music loud or at a reasonable level? loud when I am alone but reasonable when I am with people
48:Do I live with my Mom and Dad? not currently
49:Am I excited for anything? not really. If I get to go to a wedding in seattle then yes.
50:Do I have someone of the opposite sex I can tell everything to? Kind of? Obviously not if I am posting on this blog.
51:How often do I wear a fake smile? all the freaking time.
52:When was the last time I hugged someone? Yesterday, it was emily because she's the best hugger.
53:What if the last person I kissed was kissing someone else right in front of me? If it was the last person I kissed on the lips... I would be so hurt and I would probably cry and then bitch him out later because pain
54:Is there anyone I trust even though I should not? The D. *sigh* why do I even bother.
55:What is something I disliked about today? Everything. I hated today. Today sucked.
56:If I could meet anyone on this earth, who would it be? Big Bang! OMG.
57:What do I think about most? my relationship with people
58:What’s my strangest talent? I have no idea....?
59:Do I have any strange phobias? I don't think so.
60:Do I prefer to be behind the camera or in front of it? I would prefer to be behind the camera.
61:What was the last lie I told? I don't remember what I did today. That was a lie. I remember, I just didn't feel like telling people I sulked and cried for most of the day.
62:Do I perfer talking on the phone or video chatting online? I don't like either but I would rather video chat.
63:Do I believe in ghosts? How about aliens? I think i believe in ghosts to an extent. also aliens to an extent.
64:Do I believe in magic? heck yes.
65:Do I believe in luck? yeah
66:What's the weather like right now? it's wet outside. Not snowing... kind of misting.
67:What was the last book I've read? I am currently reading CoHF
68:Do I like the smell of gasoline? ha, no. I hate it.
69:Do I have any nicknames? My friend used to call me Doy
70:What was the worst injury I've ever had? ummm.... a broken heart? That pain is a bitch and probably hurt for a longer time than any physical injury I have had.
71:Do I spend money or save it? I spend it... apparently on useless things according to my sister.
72:Can I touch my nose with a tounge? Nope, I just tried.
73:Is there anything pink in 10 feets from me? Yes, a lot of things actually
74:Favourite animal? Felines.
75:What was I doing last night at 12 AM? either watching people drink or driving people to get food.
76:What do I think is Satan’s last name is? I have no idea.
77:What’s a song that always makes me happy when I hear it? I like shut up and dance. It makes me dance
78:How can you win my heart? Be nice to me really. Don't lie. Don't make broken promises, and be a nice person who wants to have a conversation with me. It's pretty easy.
79:What would I want to be written on my tombstone? I don't know.
80:What is my favorite word? I use the word dude a lot, but only when I am talking to family and occasionally friends.
81:My top 5 blogs on tumblr: ummm the blogs I reblog the most from is roxyderp, ohwittlephamnator, tyleroakley, wuyifanxing, and missmorgenstern
82:If the whole world were listening to me right now, what would I say? fuck stupid guys
83:Do I have any relatives in jail? Not that I know of
84:I accidentally eat some radioactive vegetables. They were good, and what’s even cooler is that they endow me with the super-power of my choice! What is that power? Flight. always flight.
85:What would be a question I’d be afraid to tell the truth on? Why are you letting him treat you this way?
86:What is my current desktop picture? japanese cherry blossoms but it'll change in 30 minutes.
87:Had sex? yes
88:Bought condoms? yes
89:Gotten pregnant? noooooo
90:Failed a class? I haven't gotten an F in a class yet. 91:Kissed a boy?duh
92:Kissed a girl? on the cheek
93:Have I ever kissed somebody in the rain? yes I have. my ex.
94:Had job? yes, I have one right now too.
95:Left the house without my wallet? yes. It was stupid but yes.
96:Bullied someone on the internet? no
97:Had sex in public? yes
98:Played on a sports team? nope
99:Smoked weed? I haven't smoked weed but I ate an edible and worst experience of my life
100:Did drugs? no
101:Smoked cigarettes? on accident when I was little. Didn't know it was still lit
102:Drank alcohol? yes. I am a college student.
103:Am I a vegetarian/vegan? no
104:Been overweight? I don't think so
105:Been underweight? probably when I was younger
106:Been to a wedding? yes
107:Been on the computer for 5 hours straight? of course
108:Watched TV for 5 hours straight? Duh
109:Been outside my home country? nope, never even been on a plane
110:Gotten my heart broken? Yes. and possibly again soon. Who knows.
111:Been to a professional sports game? yes actually
112:Broken a bone? nope
113:Cut myself? not on purpose
114:Been to prom? yes, both junior and senior year
115:Been in airplane? nope
116:Fly by helicopter? nope
117:What concerts have I been to? I went to a bruno mars concert once and a Timeflies concert.
118:Had a crush on someone of the same sex? no
119:Learned another language? tried, yes
120:Wore make up? I am a girl. Yes.
121:Lost my virginity before I was 18? yes.
122:Had oral sex? yes.
123:Dyed my hair? yes.
124:Voted in a presidential election? not yet.
125:Rode in an ambulance? nope
126:Had a surgery? on my teeth
127:Met someone famous? if you count youtube famous then yes.
128:Stalked someone on a social network? of course
129:Peed outside? during a road trip
130:Been fishing? nope
131:Helped with charity? yes
132:Been rejected by a crush? umm..... if you count now (but it's not an outright rejection)
133:Broken a mirror? no, i don't think so
134:What do I want for birthday? ummm..... I don't really know.
135:How many kids do I want and what will be their names? I haven't thought about this. I'm only 19.
136:Was I named after anyone? I highly doubt it.
137:Do I like my handwriting? Nope, it's crap
138:What was my favourite toy as a child? I don't really remember playing with any particular toy for a long time
139:Favourite Tv Show? I love Friends and also blue mountain state (for it's crude humor lol)
140:Where do I want to live when older? Somewhere nice
141:Play any musical instrument? no, I wish
142:One of my scars, how did I get it? I have a scar on my wrist. I got it when I broke my last bracelet against the wall of a pool. It was a tiny scratch but I guess it scarred.
143:Favourite pizza toping? Sausage and mushrooms
144:Am I afraid of the dark? sometimes
145:Am I afraid of heights? sometimes
146:Have I ever gotten caught sneaking out or doing anything bad? I haven't gotten caught sneaking out or doing anything bad
147:Have I ever tried my hardest and then gotten disappointed in the end? yes. one word. OCHEM.
148:What I'm really bad at. apparently OCHEM
149:What my greatest achievments are: I don't really know at this point
150:The meanest thing somebody has ever said to me. I don't really remember.... I can't think of anything right now
151:What I'd do if I won in a lottery: Buy lots of things
152:What do I like about myself: My hair is literally the best.... on some days.... ok... rarely, but I still like it
153:My closest Tumblr friend: I really want one but I don't know how to make friends
154:Something I fantasise about: being in a relationship

Well there, a lot of random answers to questions I don't care about but at least that was a distraction. I hate people. Bad mood. I am in such a bad mood.

Another rant/vent thing

*sigh* I am trying to be more careful about who I vent to, which means that this blog is my only other option to get out my feelings since I don't have very many friends.

It's times like this I miss my friend. I totally would love to talk to her about this pain and then have her give me advice and then say I told you so when I don't listen. These are the times I miss her the most...

but anyway.... back to the point. I am so sick of crying over someone who doesn't care about me. What have I done to deserve this? I deserve at least one good relationship don't I?

With alan, I literally thought he was the one. Maybe I was stupid and naive because I was so young (that was probably it) but I really really cared about him and obviously he lied and did not care about my feelings (evidence was our breakup). Then now, with the guy I like... I obviously care a lot more than he cares. He probably doesn't even care.

Why do I have such bad luck with guys? Why do I have to like every attractive guy who is nice to me, even though his personality/ past is shit? Why?

I am so tired of being hurt, of crying over guys, of everything. I have not cried this much since alan broke up with me and I feel the same pain even though we aren't together (and he probably doesn't even want to be my boyfriend).

I am such an idiot. I am such a stupid stupid idiot. Crying over a boy who doesn't give a shit is stupid. I am so stupid. and this is what I do. I blame myself for this and it was kind of my fault. I shouldn't have gotten into this, but would it have been any better if I tried to not like him from the beginning? It was inevitable that I be hurt. Either by watching him flirt with other people with no idea that I liked him or.... still watching him flirt with other people knowing that I like him.... oh my goodness. The second is so much worse because he knows about it and doesn't give a crap about my feelings.

Ugh. Still feel like an idiot. Still crying. Still angry. Still so so sooooooo stupid. I need to talk to him. I need to and yet he runs away every time I try. He sucks. I'm stupid. I'm being played (something I never wanted).

This post is all over the place. I have stopped crying now but give it a few minutes, I am sure I will start again.

Fuck this and fuck him but also ugh he makes me laugh and I like his personality. I am in deep and either this needs to stop or I need to talk to him so I can figure out if being a temporary toy is worth this pain.

I'm just as confused as ever.

*sigh* seriously, how do I even begin?

(btw I like writing posts addressed to certain people because I am SO much more literate when I am typing things out)

I don't like being played. I don't. If people are going to use me, please just tell me the truth when I ask you. If you really don't like me and won't really like me any time in the next few months, please tell me the truth instead of telling me you like me when in reality I can tell you don't.

Even though I can tell you aren't being 100% truthful, I am not going to call you out on it because I like to give people the benefit of the doubt. I told you I didn't want to be hurt when I went into whatever thing this is. Now, I am putting it all on you if I am going to be hurt because I like you. I already know I am going to get hurt because you are kind of a player. Let me go through our conversation.

I tell you to stop. Stop doing this to me if you don't want me attached because, to be honest, I am kind of getting attached. You tell me you're confused. You don't know what you want. You don't know if you want me attached or not. In response to this, I don't know. I understand where you're coming from but my cousin tells me that you're just saying that to keep me as back up. I don't want to be back up. I don't want to be a distraction. I don't want to be the side bitch (because let's face it I am letting you treat me like this because I like you).

You told me you liked me, but do I believe it? No. I don't believe it. How can I if you don't do a single thing to show me that you like me? You don't text me. You don't snapchat me. You don't talk to me. I sometimes even wonder if you care at all because it doesn't really seem like it and that hurts me because I think of you all the time. I think of you before I go to bed (and most times it makes me cry and have trouble sleeping, which I told you too). I tell you how bringing that girl to the party to get with her (while I was at the party too) really hurt me and all I heard were excuses. Even my cousin tells me that you're probably lying and don't really have any feelings for me (which was really brutal tbh...).

Sometimes you make me feel like I am stupid, that I am being irrational. Maybe I am, for a girl that you only mess around with no strings attached but the strings got attached and I told you. I can be hurt. I can be jealous. You can make me cry with your actions. I've told you all of this but what do you still do? You dance around the question and don't ever give me a straight answer. I guess people have told me that's how you are but now I am starting to realize how hard it is to actually discuss "us" with you.

It's kind of hard, discussing "us" when you don't know what you want. When I like you so much that it makes me into a complete mess. It also doesn't help that we only really talk when people remind you of the girl before (which absolutely CRUSHES my self esteem because according to you and others.... she's perfect and extremely hard to get over... but I don't hate her).

Ugh. What am I actually doing now? I know what I am doing. I am blogging away my frustrations because it's so hard to actually say things while I am sitting in your arms, crying my eyes out, and trying to communicate. I need this outlet. I had this outlet with alan. I blogged things and had him read it... but I am not showing this to you because I want to have this talk in person. <--- never would I EVER think I would say that since I am terrible with words.

Ugh. Maybe I am not ready for a relationship yet.... or maybe this is just how I am. I don't talk a lot. I don't say random things to make sounds when there is silence. I need someone who is willing to talk to me. I need someone who is not bothered when I don't really speak much because I am not a conversationalist. I suck at talking. Ugh. Alan understood that. How the heck was I even able to have a relationship when I have ZERO communication skills.

*sigh* I have used all of break to realize that I will let you hurt me. I will suffer through this unknown whatever we are because I like you. Because I tolerate A LOT of bullshit from people because I want to keep them in my life.

Why do I do that? I allowed my sister to walk all over me. I let go of whatever bothered be about Alan (even though I shouldn't have given him multiple chances.... I did). I did that with Danielle (basically dealing with someone who didn't care whether I was in their life or not since she almost never contacted me first). And now..... I will allow you to do this to me because I like you. That's one of the saddest things (about myself because I am always getting hurt), but I can't exactly change that about myself.

I am so done with this post. It's only making me upset.

"When you call me baby, I know I'm not the only one" -Sam Smith
"I'm thinking it over. The way you make me feel all sexy but it's causing me shame." -Banks
^lyrics to explain my life right now.

As an end note (and to possibly contradict everything that I just ranted about) I really liked spending new years eve with you and waking up in your arms the next day. Although I didn't get a new years kiss (even though I was standing RIGHT next to you and even looked at you... I understand that people were there and would not have approved) I really like spending time with you. A lot. and you just make me like you more.... UGH that was a total contradiction to my angry feelings.... WHY???????

The day I realized I liked you....

Hey oh. I have not blogged in a while but there isn't really a lot that happened.... scratch that. There was A LOT that happened. We ain't even going to touch the stupid K drama that happened last weekend. I was not drunk enough to deal with the shit storm that K caused. ugh. Yeah, I didn't start this blog post to talk about her or anyone other than HIM.

I don't know... I guess I am just feeling a little emotional listening to sad songs and everything. A lot of people have told me bad things about him, including K (she said some mean things man), that I know are kind of true or kind of make sense but I just don't understand why I still like him. I don't. He's not my normal type. For one, he is a player and I have said it plenty of times. I HATE PLAYERS. I didn't ever want to be played (but look at where I am now? I am being played and it sucks). I didn't even want to converse with players (the thing is, I didn't know he was one when I started liking him). Two, my type is asian. Out of the probably hundreds of guys I have found attractive a good 95% of them are asian. I never thought I would have date anyone that wasn't asian because most times I wasn't even attracted to them (maybe that sounds racist, but I am just being honest). Three, he is 27. That is like a 8 year difference? That doesn't bother me but I thought my next boyfriend would be closer to my age. Alan was one year above me and about 1.5 years older than me. I never thought I would like someone who was that much older than me, at least not for my next boyfriend. His age honestly doesn't bother me. I am willing to date anyone from 17.5-29 although I would prefer older (but if my soulmate is younger I can't really help that) because I was raised up in a family where my grandparents have a 10+ years difference and several of my aunt and uncles have 7+ years difference. It's not weird to me.

But anyway, we are getting off topic. I was thinking about why I liked him and that lead to the day I realized that I liked him. It was a very weird moment I guess but thinking back it really makes me smile....

It was the day that he drank vodka through a straw.. haha I know that sounds kind of weird but that was one of the most memorable things about that night. We also "watched" world war Z (actually C watched world war Z, I got scared and went to bed. But the exact moment I realized I liked him was when we were sitting. He was sitting in C's chair and I was sitting in front of the chair on the floor. I was leaning back on his crossed legs and that was the best. He played with my hair (which is the best thing ever because guys are too scared of hurting you so they are super gentle with your hair). He was also leaning forward to talk to me and was looking up the cancer aquarius compatibility (which is sweet). That was the moment I knew I had fallen. I liked him. I still like him.

It frustrates me though. I like him so much. I would do anything to be his girl but at the same time I don't want to be his girl. I know he's a player. I know he's probably not looking for a commitment right now (he might even be scared of a commitment) but he is the first guy I have shown ANY interest in since my last boyfriend and I really really like him.

ugh. He knows I like him. but I have no idea how he feels about me. This is not the ideal situation that I want to be in right now. I have tried asking him how he feels about me, but both times he has sort of avoided the subject (which is probably a big clue that he doesn't really like me in that way)... I guess I will attempt to talk to him again (one day. I hate talks and they scare me because I will probably get told things I really don't want to hear).

You know it really sucks when you realize that as soon as there is another girl showing interest, he would drop me at the snap of a finger (at least I think so because I don't know how he feels about me but he's a player so probably). I am literally just a side bitch and it makes me want to cry because I never wanted to be in this situation but I like him so much I don't really want to be out of this situation.

Ugh. It would have been so much easier if I didn't fall for him, if I found my own man.

ugh. whatever. I am going to end this by giving a big fuck you to K for saying that he was an asshole and a complete joke for being 27 and still working on his graduate degree. What kind of person says that about their friend? two faced bitch.

^ because of that, you don't want to get on my bad side. Once I hate you, I HATE you.

I don't know, kind of feeling bitter.

As my title suggests, I am kind of feeling bitter and emotional right now. No, it is not that time of the month although this could have something to do with me only sleeping for 4 hours monday night and then only sleeping for 2.5 tuesday night (it is now wednesday).

I am not very functional when I don't get enough sleep and I am hungry. I don't know what to do anymore. I guess I just need a really good cry to get every emotion out of my system, isn't that the girly thing to do?

What is even my life right now? I don't know what's going on. I don't know what to do. I just don't know. There are people giving me opinions and advice and it's not that I don't want to listen to it or that it's bad advice (because it's actually really logical and good advice). I am just not the type of girl that thinks about the future (and when I do, I get upset and I feel like puking. It's sort of like anxiety).

I know I am being kind of vague, but things were said that just brought up old emotions (old painful emotions) that I would just not like to think about or feel. I really just don't want to be hurt again but when my friends gave me advice, I felt like I was drowning and just digging myself a deeper hole. I am kind of over thinking things and letting my feelings get the best of me.

This all is just a jumbled mess, but I have to have somewhere to get it out and this is the place. I don't really know what I am going to do. I don't really know what I am going to say but I hope this all works out for the sake of everyone involved. I am just soooo stressed right now that I don't even want to think of anything but homework.

That's when you know you've got it bad. When you actually focus on homework in order to distract yourself from something. I just don't even know anymore. My friends are pressuring me into talking to him and it just stresses me out because I am not his girlfriend and what we have to talk about is sort of like defining the relationship even though we already told each other what we wanted.

Oh my goodness. I am just so stressing right now I practically feel like crying whenever I think of this. OMG. I could totally get friend zoned too. I am just scared out of my mind and nervous as to what will happen. Maybe I will speak more on this later.

It's time?

You know, it's been a really long time since I have liked a guy. I guess I have been attracted to many guys before. I have always claimed that I liked them, but it wasn't really like that. I have realized that I can't say I like a guy unless I really got to know him. With all the guys that I have said that I "liked" before, they were just attractions. I never actually got to know them.

With that being said, I have probably only REALLY liked probably 4 or 5 guys in all of my 19 years. I liked a guy that I will call X and Y in elementary school. These two guys, I actually talked to and played with. They were my little girl crushes. Then there was B and A(who many already know who A is, I don't think I talk about B often enough). I talked to B for like a good two weeks and I thought I liked him, but I let the opinions of others get in the way and he just sort of went away (or I sort of stopped communicating with him). Then there is A who I had my first real relationship with. He made me really happy and he also made me really sad.

Anyway, enough about that. My point is that I don't really know what to do when I like someone. It's been 4 years since I have been in a relationship, meaning it has been 4 years since I have liked someone. I am not even sure I know what to do anymore. I think I might like someone else now. I don't really know where I want this new development to go. I don't know if I really want a relationship right now. I know that I like hanging out with him, I think he's cute, and I think he's fun. What I worry about is kind of whether he is off limits or not (because he's good friends with my friend). I don't really know what to do. I kind of just want to have fun and do nice relationshippy things. I don't really want to be in a committed relationship.

I really just need someone else. Someone to clean the slate from the mess that was Alan. I need to experience a fun relationship, I don't think I need a completely serious relationship right now. I don't even know where this guy and I stand.

I mean I love hugging him and poking him and just sitting next to him while we watch tv or a movie. Yesterday he attempted to braid my hair and he was using my legs as a pillow while we watched a movie at like 4 in the morning. Just thinking about these relationship types things make me pretty happy. I mean he's just there and he's awesome and nice. I really like this aspect of relationships. I don't think I want someone to say good morning too and then talk for the rest of the day (because we don't do that). I don't need someone to tell all of my deepest darkest secrets to and see me at my most vulnerable. I really think all I need right now is fun.

Ugh, the thought of me actually liking another person makes me happy and yet it oddly stresses me out.

I am really at a loss here.

Deep Ass Questions #9

Think of the last person who you know that died. You have the chance to give them 1 hour of life back, but you have to give up one year of yours. Do you do it? Why or Why not?

Well the last person that I know that died was either my great uncle or the grandpa of someone I know. Both happened around the same time so I am not sure which one died first. I haven't ever dealt with a close death. My grandpa on my dad's side died before I was born and my other grandparents have yet to pass (and I am hoping every single day that they don't anytime soon). I know for sure that if I had to give up one year of my life to bring back either of those people for 1 hour, there will be no question in my mind that I would accept the consequences. I am still young so I still have many years ahead of me. Giving up one year of my life wouldn't be a huge deal compared to having someone get to say things that they never said or do something that they never got to do. It would be worth it in my mind.

Deep Ass Question #8

8. Your best friend confesses that he/she has feelings for you more than just friendship. He/she is falling in love with you. What do you (or did you) do/say?

I am going to change this to friend because my best friend is in a committed relationship and that would just be weird.

Well if my friend confessed that he had feelings for me, I would friend zone him. If he's my friend, then I am probably comfortable around him. I would only see him as a friend and not someone I would date. There are people that I am friends with that I would NEVER date. If I am friends with a guy and I actually call him my friend and hang out with him a lot and tell him things, then in my mind he really isn't a guy. He becomes a girl in my mind. I know I am not wording this right because a lot of guys would be offended if I told them I don't see them as a guy (which I have done before and the guy is super nice and understanding so he wasn't offended, at least I don't think he was).

Okay, I have a very hard time talking to guys I find attractive. If I find a guy attractive and want to date him, I would probably not talk to him on my own. I mean I did have a crush on a guy for like five years and never once had a full on conversation with him because I am really that painfully shy. So, with that in mind if I am friends with a guy then he really isn't someone that I could see myself dating.

If I am overly chatty with a guy or I tell him things that I really should be only telling my girlfriends, he is not someone I would date. If he wanted to date me, I would shoot him down because I really would not be having any romantic thoughts about him. It's just how my mind works.

I know I am not explaining this well but I can't really explain my brain... I can't really pull up the right words.

Oh well.

Time Boils the Rain

Oh my goodness, I am absolutely obsessed with Wu YiFan dinging Time Boils the Rain for Tiny Times 3 OST. His voice is awesome.

Anyway, I thought I would write this blog post on my feelings about Kris leaving EXO and my thoughts on SM Entertainment.

First off, I LOVE Kris. He is near the top of my bias list for EXO members (a lot of the times he is at the top) but in no way did I not do I now condone the timing of him suing SM and leaving EXO. I mean come on, he could have at least waited until after promotions instead of causing the whole group to rearrange themselves for performances and what not.

I don't like how he left SM but I am happy that he's happy now. I am not a delusional fan girl who will hate Kris for what he did to the rest of the EXO members because honestly, I don't think I can really hate Kris unless he did something illegal and like really bad (like sexual assault or really dating his married direct, which I will also talk about later). I am also not the delusional fan girl who still has hope that Kris will go back to being EXO-M's leader because it's clear that he's happy without being in SM.

I really hope that Wu YiFan will be able to stay friends with some of the members. I know they feel betrayed but they did train together and debut together. I wonder how they feel when they hear about Kris being in these movies and singing songs. Do they still feel betrayed or are they happy that their friend is happy? I am hoping it's the latter although I know it can take time to get over a betrayal.

Sometimes, I can't help but think that Kris leaving helped open up new doors for EXO. I have no idea if DO participating in It's Okay, That's Love and Chen participating in singing an OST song was because SM wanted to show Kris that he could have been in things if he stayed. Sometimes it feels like spite from SM (kind of like hey, you left and now we're letting your members participate in things they want to do or something like that). I know I am making my own assumptions but who really knows?

That's the real problem. We don't know the whole story so it's really hard to actually have like real opinions on solid facts. SM could have been controlling the member's instagrams (I was SO SAD when I saw that the members unfollower Kris but Kris was still following the members) or if everything went down the way that some people know. We just don't have all the facts.

Ugh, I am not butt hurt about this but I do have my own opinions on what happened. Again, I do not like the fact that Kris left. I do not like the time that he chose to leave. I just think that this is good for him. If he's not happy being in EXO then it would just make it harder on everyone if he did just stay for the benefit of the fans. I would rather Kris be happy than just putting on a facade in front of all his fans just to keep them happy.

Also, about the stupid thing that Kris is dating his director. I call bullshit. Like seriously? Unless he's trying to pull some kind of Kristen Stewart, I highly doubt he would date a woman who is in her forties and is married. like WTF are people trying to start? Unless there are some pictures or something as proof, I highly doubt that YiFan would do something like that. Any fan that actually believes that is stupid in my opinion because it isn't something that should even sound remotely like the truth unless there is hard evidence (like with Kristen Stewart).

I am just happy that Kris is happy. I really love his voice. I thought maybe he was another one of those people that SM recruited just for their looks and couldn't really sing so instead they had him rap but OMG KRIS'S VOICE IS LIKE SEX. I love deep voices, which is what attracted me to Kris in the first place but I thought he was just another rapper. I had NO idea that he could sing so nicely. SM, you did wrong by hiding such talent from us fans. I know with 12 members, there are many that get overshadowed. Lay is an awesome singer and composer and he really should be recognized for that. I mean Baekhyun's DO's and Chen's voices are like sex too but there are plenty of talented members in EXO that should get some spotlight time themselves sometimes. SM needs to stop playing favorites (and it is SO obvious that they do) and just have their idol's happiness in mind (because when the idols are happy we fans are happy).

This is like the end of my Kris/ Wu Yifan rant (I may or may not post my feelings on the Baekhyun dating Taeyeon if I feel like it later). My rant wasn't really organized but I support Kris when he was in EXO and I support Wu YiFan now that he's out of EXO. That doesn't mean I don't still support EXO because I do.

If EXO ends up slowly breaking down and the members go their separate ways, I will support each and every one of them in what they do because I feel like as an EXOtic and a fan of their music and voices it is something I must do.

I love OT12 but I also love OT11 and Wu YiFan.

Deep Ass Questions #7

The question is 7. Would you rather be hurt by the one you trust the most or the one you love the most?

Hmmmmm.... let me think about this.... would I want to be hurt by the one I trust the most.... or the one I love the most......

Well, I would like to think that the one I love the most (probs my significant other) would be the person I trust the most... but if that was not the case, I would rather be hurt by the one that I.... trust most. I don't trust easy so even if someone who I trusted hurt me, all that would do would betray my trust and then I will probably never speak to them again (kind of like what's going on in my life right now I guess) but I love way too easy. If someone I loved hurt me, I would be heartbroken for a REALLY long time. It'll take me a long time to be able to feel okay again.

Being hurt by people that I trust is a lot easier to deal with than if I was hurt by someone that I love (at least in my mind).

Deep Ass Question #6

6. You are walking down the street on your way to work. There is a dog drowning in the canal on the side of the street. Your boss has told you if you are late even once more, you are fired. Do you take the time to save the dogs life? Why or Why not?

This would really depend on a number of factors. I would love to try and save a dog that was drowning, but I can't really swim that well.... sooooo..... I would probably drown as well..... I am not really sure what I would do. I could always attempt to, but I would be terrified of drowning myself. It isn't really helpful if I drown with the dog. I don't know. I would probably try and help with a flotation device or tell someone else next to me or call the police or something. I am not sure. I could always try and explain to my boss but it isn't always guaranteed that they will even understand.

This question calls into whether I care about myself more or the welfare of an animal. I am not cruel, but I am not kind either. I would really have to be put in that situation in order to truly know what I would do.

Annoyed.

Well, here I am again letting out all my annoyance and feelings onto a blog post because I have absolutely NO one else to talk to. One of my so called best friends turned out to not be as good of a friend as I thought. My other one, I don't really share things with even though she is one of the best people in my life. I am just angry. I am not happy, and it is just not good to keep everything in.

I just don't understand. I don't understand how some people could do the most idiotic acts ever. I don't understand why some things make people change for the worst, sometimes for the better, but I am not sure at the moment. I am just extremely frustrated with everything and everyone and ugh. Everything is just terrible.

Let's start off with the straw that broke the camel's back. Stupid stupid stupid. I can't even describe the rage that I have. Sisters should not hate each other, but there is no doubt that I absolutely despise my two sisters with a burning passion. We aren't even going to talk about the evil one because that would make me too angry to even type everything else.

Let us talk about the slutty one. Apparently my mother came home today to discover that she had "stolen" (according to the evil one, she was asleep while this happened but I call bullshit on her stupid lies) my sister's car keys and have driven somewhere and refuses to come home. Part of this frustration is because I can't really think that a girl who doesn't even have her license could do such a thing (but no, she's done it on numerous occasions and has even broken the side view mirror off of my mom's car. She said my dad planned it that way because she always parks it 'perfectly' back into place. That idiot.) but a major part of my frustration is at my parents for not really doing anything about it besides just yelling at her. I am not saying that I am condoning my parents beating the crap out of her, but I sort of am because there is really no other way I can possibly see them getting through to her thick fucking skull (please excuse my language but I am so full of frustration and rage. I can't even comprehend this idiot.).

To be honest, my parents are afraid of their children. They kind of deserve it too. I suppose I was raised in a culture (don't quote me on this but my mother tells me this all the time) that when we have children, they will be demon children because of the way we treat my parents. Sometimes I think that's true. My mother doesn't treat my grandmother very kindly (and I hate her for it). Looking at how she backtalks to my grandmother, there is no surprise where my sisters learned such disrespect for my mom. My mom has actually admitted that she was scared of my sister (to quote her, not directly of course because she said it in cantonese, I better go get your sister her doughnuts [my sister demanded my mom buy her krispy kreme doughnuts] or she'll yell at me and I am scared of her). You know, I don't really understand why she, the slutty one, has all the power. She's my dad's favorite despite all of this stupid crap she tries to pull (I know for a fact she drinks alcohol and smokes weed even though she is only a sophomore in high school). Even the evil one bows down to her wishes. I am the ONLY one who is not afraid of her and yet I don't care enough for her wellbeing to tell her. I haven't spoken to her for over a year and I don't plan to because she's a bitch to be honest.

Actually, I could give her a lecture but I know for a fact that I will end up exploding with anger and beating her myself. I don't want to resort to that because I know I will feel bad about myself, not necessarily guilty (because I will NEVER feel guilty for giving her what she deserves) but I will be disappointed in myself for letting her get to me in such a way that I would be too angry to even think. I have a lot of pent up anger inside of me but I don't always feel it. Sometimes it bursts out in random blog posts and other times I just have to cry it out by myself because no one is really 100% there for me.

I don't know. I just hope the slutty one gets retribution in one form or another. Either she gets pregnant, drops out of high school, doesn't go to college, gets arrested, gets pulled over, i don't care what as long as it makes her take a good look at her life and where she's heading. You know what, I hope that she actually ruins her life because that teaches more lessons than thinking she will get away with whatever she wants.

You know I once told my other sister a difference between expecting to get whatever you want and being a good person, gaining good karma points, and having good things happen to them. Maybe I will rant about that in another blog post but anyway...

What this blog post made me realize (and it's a really sad realization) is that I really have no one to go to. Sure I could start telling my cousin things, but will she really understand? No. I know that for a fact she won't. I will just get angry with her because she's friends with the slutty one and sometimes says things that also make me extremely angry because she doesn't think like me. I can't tell one of my oldest friends because we just don't discuss these types of things. Sure I will tell her about my idiotic sister but I won't tell her about how I feel about it or how it makes me so incredibly angry.As I mentioned in the first paragraph, I can't really tell my so called best friend because once she went to another state, she basically left our friendship in the dust. I have realized she is not the best of friends and people (specifically my college roommate) has told me that I should be glad to be rid of such a terrible person but why do I feel so sad? There really isn't anyone I can talk to besides you, my blog. I have realized so many times that the people I thought cared about me really didn't and I am kind of tired of not having any real friends who I can share everything with.

Everything sucks and I am crying but what can I really do about it? Nothing but keep it all bottled up until the next time I deserve a good cry. I am so fed up with my life, with annoying people, with fake people, with people who don't really care. It is not 1:38 in the morning. My eyes are wet and my throat is killing me but I have to wake up at 9 in the morning, put a smile on my face, and pretend to be okay for a while until the next time I write a blog post.

It's times like this where I wish I had someone who actually cared and knew enough about me to make me feel better. I had that but turns out that he was an absolute jerk but I will not discuss that now, especially while I am in such an emotional state because I will just end up saying things that aren't true ( or maybe they are. I may be emotional, but I am more honest when I am in this state. or so I would like to believe).

I am just not a happy person and right now I don't really feel like I could ever truly say that I am 100% happy with where I am in life. I am just going to attempt to surround myself with comfortable pillows and just listen to lovely instrumental music and just cry and try to sleep. I am just so emotionally spent.