Some people

*sigh* I'm really bad at updating..... oh well...... this was written SO long ago

Some people are manipulative. Yes, that's right. Some people don't deserve to live because they cause so much pain to others. Some people should think through what they're saying and what they do because some day, you never know who will be after you because you tortured them throughout their life. There are many people who fit into this category. There are some people that karma needs to beat with a freaking mallet. Some people deserve to much more than that. People who are manipulative, always doing things for the good of themselves are stupid. I know everyone is hypocritical, but there are some people who are just all hypocrite. Every. Single. Word. they said is the opposite of what they actually do. I know one of these people. We'll call her A. A is stupid. A knows she's stupid. A likes to argue. A needs to get an ass whooping because she's a bitch ok? A just needs to get whatever she deserves from Karma. A likes to yell at people. She likes to bitch about everything to everyone. She's manipulative and always gets her way. When someone else gets their way, she'll complain to NO end and force people to do things for her to make up for it. A starts arguments for absolutely no reason at all. She's stupid and complains about the littlest things. Apparently A has good hearing. FACT. She doesn't. She says one thing and then later, she'll say that she never said that. She makes the person she's talking to feel like a freaking loser. She's the person who isn't happy unless others are miserable. She's the person who would bully a person to commit suicide. (Personal experience, caused me to hurt myself and now i'm scarred).

I actually feel bad for A. She has NO true friends because her personallity sucks. Her mouth runs on and on and on and tells people, even her friends, when they do things she doesn't like. For example, her friend gives her hugs everyday. A tells her friend that she doesn't like her friend's hugs and tells her to stop or she won't hang out with her anymore. A is the freaking demon from hell ok? When she dies, she'll probably rule all the demons. You think i'm exaggerating about this A person? Well i'm not. I'm so not. I'm not being harsh, i'm being honest. I'm telling the truth about A because she bothers me SO much. I actually wouldn't care if A died. People say i will, that i'm being way too harsh, but I don't. I don't give a fuck if A dies. My life, my grandmother's life, my parents' lives would be so much easier without A being alive. What i really hate is when A yells at older people. So disrespectful. Talks back 24 hours, 7 days a week. Right now, writing this, she's yelling at a person. She's yelling at a person right this instant. How stupid is that. It's like her mind is on an endless loop of yelling at people. Some day, she'll meet a person that'll get their revenge. I hope she meets that person. I hope she gets mugged on the streets. I won't feel bad for her. I would laugh at the justice that A deserved.

And what else, A won't ever get married. She won't freaking find a man who will put up with her shit. Her manipulative shit. If she met a guy, and stayed with him, then she'd be being fake. She even knows. A even knows that she'll never find a man. She realizes that no one wants her. She tries to pass it off as her not wanting to get married because she's "scared". But whatever. I know she knows the truth. I know she knows she's not as pretty as anyone else. I hope she feels like that every single day of her adulthood. She made me feel like that every single day of my freaking childhood. She's the reason i hate people and confrontation. I've been her little boxing bag and i haven't said a thing to her about it. Maybe that's why i let people walk all over me? Is that possible? She leaves my life and i'll be happy. I'm going to egg and fork and do everything i possibly can to her freaking house when i grow up. I will do everything i possibly can to make her feel like the dumbest person in the world. A has admitted to me several times that she's not as smart as me, that I am WAY smarter than her. Yea, then she goes and turns that around and calls me stupid because of some little thing. She called me stupid today because I just woke up and went to the bathroom and waited for her to leave so i can pee. I was just standing there waiting and she freaking called me stupid because i was waiting. Yea, I'm an idiot for waiting until she leaves so i can pee.

As you can tell, I swear up a storm when talking about A. She's responsible for me swearing in my mind. I can't control what I type once i start typing. A is a dumb bitch. One day, karma will kick her ass and keep kicking it because she deserves EVERYTHING that's coming to her. I hope she gets it soon. I hope she fucking gets what she deserves soon.

memories

I hate the memories. All of them, especially the good. I can't accept that they are over. Right now, as I sit and write this my eyes are hot, like they're burning my eyelids. I hate remembering the memories. I do a pretty good job of blocking them out. Sometimes they just flood me. Sometimes they just overtake every single thought in my mind so that the only thing I can focus on is how much I miss him. Isn't that sad? Isn't it sad that while I think about him every single day, think about missing everythin we had, he's out there making new memories with some other girl. I guess it's ok to think about the memories. People say that it's ok to think about them. It isn't ok that I get so sad and depressed whenever I think about the memories. It isn't ok that these memories affect me so freaking much. It isn't ok. It isn't fair, but life isn't fair. I know that it isn't. I guess I just have to live with the pain of loving someone I can't have. Loving someone who does't love me hurts. It hurts like no pain that I have ever experienced before. I really hate the memories, but at the same time I love them. I love what they remind me of, all the great times that we had, all the conversations, they run through my head. I hate how they make me feel. They make me feel a longing, an ache in my heart. I just want to know what made him do it. Some day, when I'm ready, I'll write him a letter. A letter as random as an elephant on the moon. In that letter I'll tell him everything. I'm not writing this letter until I learn to move on from him and all the happiness he brought me. I'll write this letter when I'm good and ready. I'll write this letter and never send it. I'll write this letter and post it. I'll write this letter in remembrance of Jim. Maybe, one day, I'll be able to think of him and not feel the things I'm feeling now. One day, that will happen...... One day it will. That's all I can hope for right now, one day I will.......

Fake it until you make it

I have never gotten that phrase. I mean, people want you to be fake? If all people listened to this "advice" how could people tell the real people apart from the Barbies and Kens? Not everyone is perfect. A person should not be fake at all. Of course, that is easier said than done. I mean, people should not act fake at all just to "get further" in life. Really, those people aren't getting further in life at all. If a person lies and embellishes their resume (we all do it sometimes right?) and gets hired then that person may have gotten "further" but would they be happy? Wouldn't they be guilty that their job started off on lies? Would they be happy that they deceived their boss? Why would a person want to be fake? I happen to find that this happens a lot in high school.

I know with peer pressure and everything, people be fake to blend in with the crowd. Who wants to blend in? Why not be different? When people are mostly loud, why not be the quiet one? Why hid behind another image of yourself? That never gives the real you a chance to shine. It never lets people know who you really are. How can you expect to find the real friends that aren't fake also? Fake people don't have real friends. They have backstabbing, equally fake friends. Those aren't friends. They're more like enemies. Fake friends aren't really there for you when you need them. What is the point of being fake? What is the point of being fake especially in relationships and friendships? There is no point. I dare you. Come up with an extremely bullet hole, loop hole reason why someone would want to be a fake person? If people just stop judging, then maybe those fake people don't have to be fake anymore. Maybe they can just be their normal selves. I have to admit, sometimes i feel like a fake person, like i'm putting on an act. I feel like this during school. I'm such a quiet person. It's in my nature, but sometimes, i feel that i'm putting on that act. If you're my real friend, you would know sometimes i'm anything but quiet. I have such a loud personality that it scares people when i let it show. I don't know, it's just me. I'm just me. It's not my fault that i happen to be an extremely shy loud person. I'm just a walking contradiction. I've always been a walking contradiction. I may be loud, quiet, crazy, amazing, stupid, depressing, everything but some people still love me for me. My friends do. The people who truly know me accept me for who I am. *note, off topic ranting that i always put about some specific person* I guess you never did. Maybe you lied to yourself that you loved me for me. If you did, then where are you now? Where are you when i needed you the most? Where were you yesterday when i was crying my eyes out? You were there before through my family problems. I trusted you as a friend before you were my boyfriend. Where the heck is that now? Where the heck is our friendship? You can still be friends with one of your ex ( i was absolutely fine with it) and you can't be friend with me? WHY? Why can't you care and try? Am i the only one who thinks these things? Am i the only one who cared at all in our relationship to miss one of my best friends? What is wrong with you? Just because you have a new girlfriend you think you can forget about me? about a girl who trusted you? You must look like a nice guy to all your other friends who are girls, but from my point of view, you are a jerk. A jerk who i love, but still a jerk. An absolute jerk.

regrets

I have so many regrets in my life. SO MANY REGRETS. I've always wanted to try things. I've always wanted to be involved in things like cheer or POMs. I've always wanted to be the girly girl that gets to wear a cheer leading uniform. I've always wanted to do things like that but things hold me back. Mostly it's my parents. They demand so much out of me academically that i'm afraid if i take on something else, it'll ruin my academics. I want to do tennis so bad. I want to do tennis, but i don't because i think it'll take way too much time. I wanted to do band. I wanted to learn to play an instrument but i was so discouraged because my parents never encouraged me in any area besides academics (and even that was encouraged with threats). I'm also a quiet person. My parents never socialized me that much. They didn't even try and now they make fun of me and blame me for my shyness. Stupid. If i could turn back the time and fix one of my regrets, i would chose to fix the fact that i did not join poms. I love their performances. I want to be down there cheering with them. I want to be able to learn routines and such. I regret not joining so much. There will always be regrets in my life, always. But the things i regret the most at the moment is not taking high school opportunities. I wanted to do theater. I wanted to, but i was too shy to try out, too shy to do anything. I want to get rid of this shyness. I want to be able to talk to people like a normal person, a normal person who flirts with guys and does everything a girl does. I don't want to be this social reject who's a freaking nerd. I want to re create myself when i go to college. I hope i can change my ways and grow to be a better person.