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Maybe if I say it enough I'll believe it. Or maybe my mom will call me fat again and I'll die.

News report

One day, you're all going to see my name on the news. You may not know it was me, but you will cringe at all the horrible things that I did to people. You will probably sit there and wonder 'what kind of life mush she had to do those horrific acts to people' and then you'll come read this blog or remember about this blog and maybe then you'll understand, at least a little bit about me. About what drove me to hurt all the people that I did. That cause me to murder my whole family.

I am so angry right now. So angry that such evil little demons live in my house. So angry that I came VERY close to punching a giant hole in my wall, but I didn't. I don't want to pay for any fucking damage I do to this rotten hell hole of a house. Once my grandparents die, I'll basically have no family anymore. Dumb ass sister will be dead to me. Completely dead to me. There will be NO reason for me to come back to this stupid house.

Once my grandparents die, I'm on my own. None of these stupid people will come to my wedding. Hell, whoever I marry probably will think my parents died and that I only have one sister because frankly, everyone else is a fuckin bitch and doesn't need to be in my life. My children won't know they have 4 aunts and grandparents from my side of the family.

If I ever become like my mom or my sisters, I would probably kill myself. Sometimes, I hope that my sisters would go kill themselves or get into a bad accident or get murdered just so I don't have to kill them myself. Frankly, I think that if I have to deal with them for the rest of my life, I WILL end up murdering them.

Maybe I'm just messed up like that. Maybe I'm just some psychopath that needs to be locked up. As I said before, they would all be dead right now. But the problem is, I have a life. Sometimes, I don't want to live it and just end my suffering myself. But other times, I want to see what I can become. Killing myself is not the solution to my problem. If I died, nothing would change. What I want is to be famous. I want to be rich and successful and I want to drive by this house and this area and see this house in ruins. I want to be successful and see my sister begging for spare change. I want to see my other sister working her corner trying to get money for her and her three children with three different baby daddies. Most of all, I want to see my family suffer for all the pain they caused me. I am waiting for the day when karma bites their butts. I am waiting for the day when karma completely squishes their lives and make it nonexistent. That is one of the few reasons I'm still alive. So that I can have my good life and watch them live our their bleak existences.

Night time

"People are so vulnerable at night. They’re willing to spill out their souls to anyone willing to listen. They have desires to do things that never cross their mind when the sun is in the sky."

I found this on Tumblr. Ha, recently, I have gotten everything on Tumblr. That's because Tumblr is my addiction. If you want to know my tumblr..... then here is the link. Click here. YUP. That is my tumblr. It is filled with hot Korean men that I someday want to married... plus 4 Chinese members.... LOLZ (EXO-M)

Anyway, this quote is so freaking true. I am so vulnerable at night. Night time is when I release all my feelings into blog posts and other stuff. Night time is when I feel the most sad. It is the time when I am able to reflect on my day which leads to reflections about myself. This leads to so many disappointments. I am so disappointed in myself. Quite sad actually.

Also, I get really lonely at night. At night, I am so much more willing to tell you all my secrets than during the day. It's like I am a totally different person at night. I "happy" during the day and not so much at night.

All my courage also happens at night. I am much more willing to talk to people. I actually get ideas and plan out scenarios of telling people to date me or just walking up to a person and just kissing them because they just don't know I am here, that I exist.

I don't know what it is about the night time, but it brings out the real feelings that a person has. It brings out all the insecurities and the suffering and the sadness. Some people just handle it better than others.

I'm not good at dealing with my feelings.

2 years+

My very first blog post was on April 8th, 2010 at 6:50 PM PST. I've had this blog for more than two years. It's actually approaching 3 years. I've changed so much.

I've changed so so much since then. If you actually go back and read those posts, I am naive. I am innocent. I was not depressed and I was happy... or at least I thought I was happy.

Now read my blog posts. What are they? They're depressed and gross. Lots of things happened in these two years of having this blog. I've learned a lot. I've reflected a lot. It's just a lot.

All these changes...... can I say they were for the better? I guess we shall see. Can I say they were for the worse? Probably. I went from happy to depressed. Why is that not worse?

I don't know. I guess when I started this blog, I had a prince charming (or who I thought would have been my prince charming) but now, what am I doing?

I'm still waiting. I've suffered through the immeasurable pain of having your heart broken and I guess I am still picking up the pieces. Will I ever be whole again? I don't know. Will I ever find another Prince? Maybe. It's all unknown.

I'm just a senior in high school. I'm just waiting to be accepted into college (even though it is no question that I am accepted into the colleges that I applied to. Got a 30 on ACT).

Actually, I am just a girl who wants to be happy. I. Am. Just. A. Girl.

What?

So, I just saw this on tumblr. This is what it said......

"saying 'how can you be sad when people have it so much worse than you' is as ridiculous as 'how can you be happy when people have it so much better than you'"

I completely agree with this. In my opinion, I feel that this piece of speech speaks so many words. If you're asking me how can I be sad with all this "awesomeness" in my life is just like me asking you how you can be so happy with life if at least one person out in the world has it so much better than you?

This is exactly why people cannot question depression. It's basically saying that. I'm a fairly happy person, at least I try my hardest to radiate that opinion to other people. Deep down, I am basically hiding a depressed black hole. Isn't that kind of sad?

When I am in a particularly depressing state, there is no other person other than me. This may have just sounded really stupid and selfish, but that's how I feel. I feel that there is no one with it worse than me. Maybe sometimes it may be true, out of all the people I know I may be the saddest or the most depressed. There is no way I can know that.

All we ever know is the known. Out of everything I know, I am the most depressed. It may be that my friends are more depressed than me, but they don't share it with me, so then that isn't know. When I am depressed, I don't think of other people. I only think of my situation. I'm pretty sure a lot of people feel this way. When they're upset they think about themselves. It's just how human nature is, isn't it?

If you really think about it, there is nothing but ourselves. From the day we are born, to the day we die we're ALWAYS thinking about ourselves and how we can make our lives better.

Logically, I know that my situation is not the worse, but how about all you people that tell me to feel better or that people have it worse than me keep your positivism to yourselves. I don't want your positivism (i'm a pessimist anyway). I don't accept your positivism and if you think about it, why are you so happy? Why are you so happy when there is so much more you could do to be happier?

I know that the world would be a terrible terrible absolutely terrible place without all these positive people, but these positive people DO NOT need to push their positivism onto me. I am fine wallowing in my own depressing feelings. If you leave me alone, I will eventually be able to compose myself. Pushing your happiness onto me is NOT going to make me feel better. It's best to just leave me alone.

After all, I am a just a girl. A girl who feels extremely sad sometimes.

Rebound?

Well, I think I've come to the conclusion that no matter who I like next, they will be like a rebound. It's been over a year since my ex broke up with me and yet I just can't find the will power to forget about him.

I want another relationship so badly because I miss the feeling of having someone else there for me. I miss all the hugs and kisses, not necessarily from my ex because I am NEVER getting back together with him.

Today, I realized that (probably, I don't really know) the reason I went out with him was because he gave me attention, unlike every other guy that I have even had any interest in. The guys that I have ever been interested never talked to me or anything and I ended up pining after someone who would never give me a chance. I guess I'm re-evaluating everything and that is the conclusion that I've come to.

If the guy I liked actually gave me a chance then I would have never dated my ex and I wouldn't be so desperate for another relationship (because frankly, I am desperate to feel loved again). I'm really in the mood where I feel so alone and I will always be alone. Meh. I am such a complainer. I wish for things but I never have the guts to make them happen.

I guess that makes me a complete social defect. I never have the nerve to do anything. I am always too afraid to talk to that cute guy or to talk to the guy I like. I pine for them from afar and expect them to make the first move because for some reason I feel like they would never feel the same way and if they did then they would make the first move.

I'm just not happy with myself at the moment. I'm always tempted to go up to the person that I do like and just tell him how I feel, but nope. I never do. It's quite sad actually.

Victoria's Secret Fashion Show 2012

OH MY GOD, I AM SUCH A FAT COW. That is currently what i'm feeling like right now, after watching this fashion show. OMG, Candace is so freaking pretty. I can't even.

I was so not going to watch the show because the last year I watched it, I felt so horrible after. Sometimes, I think I can be a model but seriously, I can't. I am way too fat. I'm a size 4. I used to be a size 2. What happened? Fatness and laziness happened. WHY AM I SO LAZY? Ugh, these models are making me feel so bad. It's not their fault they are perfect in like almost every single way. Ugh, I can just cry right now.

I guess I have no one to blame but myself. I'm allowing me to become this cow but I don't have time to work out. It's either be fat and do all this homework or work out and fail school. I REFUSE to fail school. Those people who have time for everything are freaking awesome and ugh. I wish I was skinnier. Man, these girls are freaking pretty. I CAN NEVER BE THAT. UGH.

I'm just a shy girl who's getting fatter and fatter because she doesn't want to give up her grades or sleep in order to exercise. Man, I wish I could be them. UGH. UGH. UGH. SO MUCH SADNESS IN ME RIGHT NOW. And omg, Justin is like DROOLING over Rihanna. Dude, seriously that is SO hilarious. OMG, he must be salivating so much. Man, all the guys must be salivating.


and this is where I end my post. Talking about salivating guys and how much of a fat cow I am right now. DANG, ugh. filled with jealousy.

Short Temper.

I am a person who has a VERY high tolerance level but once you start testing my tolerance, I will go ape shit crazy on you. Seriously.

When I first meet a person and I don't immediately dislike them then I will be their friend, but once they start exhibiting behaviors that get on my nerves, the tolerance I have for them gets smaller and smaller. This ends up destroying my friendships but do I care? Most times I have no fucks to give. If you're going to annoy me enough to make me angry and stop being friends with you, then do you think I care at all? Not really.

I just have a lot of things that I don't like and I am very annoyed right now. People can just go die. What irks me the most is when people aren't appreciative of me. If I go through the effort of doing something extremely nice to you (which I rarely do since I am a pretty bitter person) then you best appreciate it. You do not go crawling back to the people that hurt you because that is the last straw.

If someone basically rejects my act of niceness and completely blows me off for someone else, especially someone I hate, then everything is ruin. There is VERY little chance that this is just an angry mood of mine and that I'll get over it. I will not. I am the type of person that holds grudges. I will not forget. I will let the one little thing dig into my brain and fester. Then the more times you do things that annoy me, the more hatred I will have towards you. Thinking about this makes me super angry and want to punch a wall. People should just learn how to be normal human beings instead of the cruel monsters they are.

Don't get me wrong, I know I have my fair share of fault (just read through my blog and you'll find all of them) but at least I know what's wrong from right most times. Most people don't even know that and I am sitting here and just hating on them wishing they would just fail at life already. It is these people that make me angry, depressed, suicidal because I don't even want to deal with them anymore.

I would give anything to transfer into a different family. I would give anything to reverse time and make sure that my second and third sisters were NEVER born. I would give anything to have them out of my life. Why wish when I could escape from them? From all the pressures of society? From life itself? After all, sometimes I feel like what's the point?

Frankly, I don't care about how my death would affect people because I don't care about people. I know there is one, two, maybe three people who would truly and completely be torn apart because of my death, but the rest? There will be a lot of people who don't care. There will be a lot of people who will pretend like the knew the "real" me. There will be those people who will put on a show because they are suppose to care even though they don't. And then there are the people who will feel guilty.

If I were to ever kill myself, which I do think about occasionally (I just don't have the guts to do it.... Wimpy me), I would make sure that the blame gets placed. I would make sure that the people who have caused me all of this suffering and pain know that it was them who did it. That my death is in their hands. And I pray to god that they will suffer for the rest of their lives with guilt. That is one of the best things that would result from my death. People learning that they are horrible monsters and suffering from my death for the rest of their lives.

You see, hate is not a very good thing to harbor inside of you, but it's the only thing I know how to do with hate.

Thanksgiving

What's the point of being thankful for things when all you can do is cry? This is the worst I've felt for a while and why? I can't answer that. It's not like my life is that bad. I have a house and my grades are ok. I guess I'm just striving for things that I can't have. I don't know.

As I'm typing this, tears are streaming down my face for no reason. At least not a reason that I have come to understand. This feeling is well known to me. Most times I just don't understand. I don't understand why I'm feeling like I'm lost. I have no idea why. I guess I'll get over this like I always do. It might just take longer this time.

I can deal with this, at least that's what I tell myself. Some of you may ask why I don't see a doctor about this. Well, I'm Asian. There is no therapist in my Asian world. Whenever I cry, everyone tells at me and tell me to man up. There is no reason to cry. Maybe that's why I'm ashamed of crying. It shouldn't even exist in my vocabulary. My parents wouldn't understand and I have no words to tell them about my depression.

Why even tell my parents at all if they won't actually care right?

*sigh* I still have a little bit of time to cry so I'll be doing that. Goodbye.

SCREW EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING

The anger is pretty uncontrollable and I hate it. I hate everything. I hate everyone. I hate myself. I hate all the memories and everything that has to do with you. Please just get out of my mind. Please? PLEASE?

I am beyond frustrated with myself. BEYOND frustrated. Sometimes, I wish I could escape myself.



Sorry for the little rant. Just so many pent up emotions right now.


Nobody touch me and leave me alone to wallow in my despair.

Screw life

I am in a slump. A very depressing slump and quite frankly, I do not know why. I seriously have not been enjoying life at all. I don't smile very much and when I do, it's usually a lie. I just don't know what's wrong with me.

Maybe it's all the stress. That's probably it. Whoever was the person who thought that letting an extremely indecisive 17 year old girl make decisions about her whole future was obviously messed up and should be arrested and jailed forever. Seriously, I am majorly stressed about everything I have to do to "secure" my future. What are we all really moving towards? (I'll explain more in another blog post if i get to it)

I guess I'm just angry at myself. I'm angry I can't make a choice and I'm angry that I feel fat and gross and disgusting. I just have a whole lot of insecurities right now. Insecurities about my present, my future, everything in my life.

To add to that stress, I happen to have a terrible case of senioritis. It makes me angry. Ugh. Lots of things make me angry but I just feel everything caving in. I'm like a ticking time bomb and one day I will explode and all my rage with just be released. I'm scared that it'll be on someone that I truly care about. (I'm worried that it's happening right now. That i'm taking my anger out on someone that doesn't deserve it)

I'm just a super angry person right now so that best thing to do is to not piss me off. My grandpa pissed me off like 2 days ago. I drove around crying and literally screaming my lungs out in my car. All this pressure and stress is getting to me and I don't know how to make it better.

I guess this is just me. I hide it and write a blog post about it. Then I cry alone in my room about everything but I don't do anything to fix it. I hate life. I hate life with a burning passion. It's gross and disgusting and frankly, I don't want to deal with it anymore.

Major Life Decisions

Who's idea was it to give a senior in high school a major decision that will probably decide the rest of their lives?!

As you can probably tell, I am not happy about having to apply to college. I am seriously contemplating my entire life right now. Should I go to medical school? That's my major life decision. I really want to become a brain surgeon. It's one of my dreams ya know? WELL, the problem is, i'm not really into gore or blood. THAT IS A MAJOR PROBLEM! I've been telling a lot of people that I really want to become a brain surgeon... without telling them that I am afraid of blood. Well, I'm not really afraid, but I haven't had much experience with it. HOW THE HECK AM I SUPPOSED TO KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MY LIFE?!

I really want to apply as an undecided major, but is it harder to get into medical school after that? I have no idea what to do. I'm an indecisive person and I fear that I will waste my money being in college with no idea of what I even want to do with my life. Anyone else having this problem? I'm sure I'm not the only one.

Thanks for reading. I shall go stress over this for a while now... either that or play Pokemon. (I think pokemon is going to win.)

The purpose of this blog... or something like that

Hello, I would like to keep this blog running just for some side/random posts. I don't really feel bad enough to write posts about my anger anymore. My dependency on writing in order to vent has diminished quite a bit. I really hope that this blog won't die, that I won't forget about it. I still want to document some parts of my life. Hopefully, there will be happy parts. I really want to show this blog to my future husband so that he will know how I was as a teenager.

I think that will be something that will be significant for me. No one actually knows who I really am. No one can think the same way as me. No one actually understand me whole situation but at least with this, people can get a glimpse into who I really am, all the components that actually make me, me. I don't advertise this blog to people I actually know because I don't want anyone I know to find this. Only a selected few (of the people I actually know) know about my blog. Even fewer actually read it (actually no one reads this blog because I don't tag anything when I write my posts. I don't tell people when I update. I don't do anything but write, publish, and move on. A part of my life is within this blog and I want my life to stay as private as possible. As long as people don't actually know who I am behind the screen of this blog, then I'm totally fine with it.

I didn't make this blog to become popular. I didn't make this blog to seek attention from people. I made this blog for me. I made it during a really happy time in my life and it's stayed through some of the tougher times in my life. I really hope that whoever reads my blog will be able to gain strength from it, to learn from it, or to just get a glimpse into another person's life and realize that theirs is not as bad as they thought.

Maybe I will do a Dear future husband letter or something. How much would I have changed throughout the years? How much would I improve? How much more bad can I suffer through? How will I change as a person, friend, enemy, human being?

This is some pretty deep blogging I'm doing. Anyway, I am signing off for now. There is no guarantee that I will ever do another post again after this, not until I have some inspiration to write. There is no guarantee that this blog will be remembered, will be shown to my future husband. At least it will still be here on the internet for some random stranger to find one day.

Goodbye for now. See you all next time, if there is one.

Here I go again....

Well, I thought I would give this ipod shuffle game another chance. After my extreme first fail in 2011 (can be found here) and my very recent (I just did it and can be found here) fail, I want to be able to make funny answers! Let's see how well this one turns out. I found it on Soompi (or however you spell it....)

Rules are the same:
1. Put your music library on shuffle.
2. For each question, press the next button to get your answer.
3. You must write that song title as the answer to the question, no matter how silly it sounds! Most of the time they seem to work though, strangely enough.
4. Ok, go!
5. TRY NOT TO CHEAT!!!

1. What do people assume when they first look at me?
Caribbean Bay (SNSD and 2PM)

2. What will be a big challenge in life for me?
NalinA (Block B)

3. Am I a good boyfriend/girlfriend?
Before the Dawn (Infinite)

7. Is someone trying to kill me?
Peekaboo (JQT) <----kinda scary....

8. What is my sexual preference?
What Beautiful Stars (Yiruma)

9. What am I afraid of?
Demon (Jay Park) <---- I suppose that is true

10. What will I be doing in a few years?
Boomshakalaka (ringtone from TOP) <--- BAHAHAHAHAHAHA

11. What is some good advice for me?
Heaven (Ailee)

12. What should I do instead of this quiz?
Bubble Pop (HyunA) <---- YEAH, pop that bubble!

13. Will you get married?
Lies (Big Bang) <--- that's kinda sad.....

14. What is the story of your life?
History (EXO)

15. How can you get ahead in life?
Flashback (After School)

16. What is the best thing about your friends?
Why Did I fall in love with you? (DBSK)

17. What song describes you?
What Can I do? (SeungRi) <--- i'm actually quite indecisive so I ask myself that a lot

18. How does the world see you?
Sunny Rain (Yiruma)

19. Will you have a happy life?
Kiss the Rain (Yiruma)

20. How can I make myself happy?
Arirang (Korean Folk Song)

21. What should you do with your life?
Yesterday (Kim Kyu Jong)

22. Will you ever have children?
To Love's End (Inuyasha OST)

23. What is your motto?
Safe and Sound (Taylor Swift)

24. Describe yourself
VVIP (SeungRi)

25. What do you think of your last ex?
You're Not Sorry (Taylor Swift) <---OMG, this is so perfect.

26. What is the relationship between you and your current girlfriend/boyfriend?
I won't say i'm in love (Meg from Hercules) <--- I have a guy I might like but he's not my boyfriend or anything.... I suppose this fits since I am absolutely denying the fact that I might like him...... I also had a really bad break up and I can totally relate to Meg.......This is so perfect.

27. What are you doing right now?
Friend (TOP ft Taeyang)

28. How are you feeling today?
Black and White (G.NA)

29. Describe your sex life.
GANGNAM STYLE (psy) <-- FREAKING OMG THIS IS THE FUNNIEST SONG TO PUT FOR THIS ANSWER! in my opinion at least

30. What is my best friend's theme song?
Love Me (Yiruma)

31. What do your friends think of you?
Neverland (U-Kiss)

32. What is your life purpose?
Midnight (B2st)

33. What song will play at your funeral?
Hello Helo (F.T. Island),--- not sure how I feel about this choice

34. Wedding?
Don't Leave (GD and TOP)

35. How will you die?
A Song Calling For You (SS501)

36. What scares you the most?
Machine (EXO)

37. In the end, how will your love life turn out?
Heart to Heart (4minute)

I have a feeling that a itunes library full of kpop songs does not work well for these.....

Love Style

omo, I was going through all my blog posts and ran across this. I feel like I should do another version as a sort of updated version since I completely revamped my itunes library. 1/2 or probably most of the songs that are listed. You can find the post that i'm talking about by clicking here.

Rules 1. Put your music library on shuffle.
2. For each question, press the next button to get your answer.
3. You must write that song title as the answer to the question, no matter how silly it sounds! Most of the time they seem to work though, strangely enough.
4. Ok, go!
5. TRY NOT TO CHEAT!!!

1) IF SOMEONE SAYS "IS THIS OK?" YOU SAY?
Know your name (Jay Park)

2) HOW WOULD YOU BEST DESCRIBE YOUR PERSONALITY?
If you love me for me (Barbie in princess and the pauper....)

3) WHAT DO YOU LIKE IN A GUY/GIRL?
La la la (se7en)

4) HOW DO YOU FEEL TODAY?
Lovey Dovey (T~ara)

5) WHAT IS YOUR LIFE'S PURPOSE?
I don't care (2ne1)

6) WHAT IS YOUR MOTTO?
Ego (Big Bang)

7) WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR PARENTS?
Obsession (G-Dragon solo)

8) WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT VERY OFTEN?
Every Heart (boA for Inuyasha)

9) WHAT IS 2+2?
Christofori's Dream (David Lanz)

10) WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR BEST FRIEND(S)?
Loving U (Sistar)

11) WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
Make Love (Big Bang) <---- oh my goodness

12) WHAT IS YOUR LIFE STORY?
Time's Up (LEDapple)

13) WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GROW UP?
Baby I'm Sorry (B1A4)

14) WHAT DO YOU THINK WHEN YOU SEE THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
Two Moons (EXO)

15) WHAT DO YOUR PARENTS THINK OF YOU?
Cafe (GD and TOP)

16) WHAT WILL YOU DANCE TO AT YOUR WEDDING?
Y (MBLAQ)

17) WHAT WILL THEY PLAY AT YOUR FUNERAL?
Raindrop (IU) <--- such a happy song though....

18) WHAT IS YOUR HOBBY/INTEREST?
Be My Baby (Wonder Girls)

19) WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST SECRET?
Love You Like a Love Song (Selena Gomez)

20) WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR FRIEND?
Back to You (B2ST)

21)WHAT WILL YOU POST THIS AS?
Love Style (Boyfriend)

It's been a year

Well, today marks a year since one of the most saddest days of my life. I guess I feel like I'm not over him yet and that is why I cry.

But enough of this. Enough of this wimpyness coming from me. I WILL MOVE ON. Obviously he didn't care as much for me as I cared for him. Why else would I be the one hurting while he is the one having fun? Why am I a fool? Why do I do this to myself? I know I am stronger than this, but where is that part of my personality when I need it the most? Where is the strong girl who can be strong no matter the situation?

I've decided I want a new me. I want to become someone that I'm not ashamed of being. That's what I am now. I'm ashamed at myself because of him. Because of him, I've become quite weak I would say. I will get better. I just have to keep telling myself this over and over. If I wish for it hard enough, it might come true.

Speaking of wishes. I started a new blog. You can fine it here. It's all about the wishes I have for myself. Hopefully, by the end of my senior year, I'll have finished 1000 wishes. Then I can open my wishes and see how far I've come from this sniffling little weakling that I am. I am very hopeful for this blog. I really hope that I can post on it every time I fold a new wish star.

I want to stick to that blog even though this blog and my bookreader's blog is pretty sad since i've practically abandoned them for my tumblr (which you can find here) <---- lol, that's my backup blog. I have another blog that I refuse to show anyone. You'll just have to find it yourself. Here's a hint though, it has nothing to do with ninjas. How stupid would I be to have a blog just like this one? I know for sure there is a ninjainc on tumblr, but that's not me. I'm not the type of person to have the same name for everything :P

Although I'm still loving you, I will be able to stop and move on.

And on that note, I leave you blog post.

AP work

I sowry for not posting for a while. AP work is a...... well i won't say what it is. Plus, it's summer and I have nothing happening in summer. I should really start posting again.... but i don't know. Maybe later. <------- summary of my summer right there. MAYBE NEXT TIME.... hehe k-pop reference :)

Blindness

Well I am watching a drama named Love Rain. As I am typing this, my eyes are closed. I got this through tbecause one of the people in the drama was becoming blind. I wanted to see if i would be able to keep typing things and updating this blog if i became blind. This is what i typed, with my eyes closed: Well lets see. I wonder how well I would be able to do this if I was blind. Would I still be able to write letters or blog about my everyday life. I want to keep a blofg if I ever end up blind but who would read it. I’ll just be encased in darkness all the time. Maybe someone can help me like….. Proofread this because it won’t be that good or maybe I’ll just let it stay because people can then see how attached we’ve become to the computer that even if I turned blind I would still be able to type like this as long as I find the home row keys. I find it so interesting that i was able to type that with my eyes closed. It shows just how much the world has changed. For most of our past, people didn't even have keyboard. They didn't even know how to type but now, with technology it has become like this.

April 23rd 2012

Today marks what would have been our two year anniversary. I'm still hurt after what you did to me almost nine months ago. I'm not the same person I was when I was with you. Pain changes people and that's exactly what I have been dealing with constantly. The pain. The pain of losing you. I'm still dealing with it, this pain. It's bittersweet, this pain. I am sort of happy that I'm slowly getting over you. I'm a much stronger girl. I'm a much smarter girl and even more determined to meet the man of my dreams. Our relationship has taught me so much, about having a boyfriend and myself. I don't regret spending those 15 months with you. I don't regret any of our memories. You'll always be my first love and I'm glad we got to spend time together. I wish I had the strength to still be your friend but I'm not going to do that. I think you're happy now right? I don't want to ruin your almost 7 months with the girl you have now. What I do ask is that you never forget me because I know I'll never forget you. Haha, you'd laugh if you saw me now, laying here in bed and tearing up. I sound like I'm saying goodbye. Maybe that's what I'm doing. Maybe it'll be what I do on this day a year from now. Maybe it'll be what I do until I find my perfect someone. I hope you find your perfect someone. I hope one day our paths will cross again. Maybe not as a couple but as friends. I love you. I think I'll always love you for making me who I am today. Happy would be two years. I miss you. I miss you so much but I know I have to let go. I'm trying my hardest but sometimes I have to mourn what we had. I miss you. The pain is still there but I'm trying. I miss you.