It's been a while

Yes, I know it's been quite the long time. It's now november of 2013. I have been in college since august and I must say that most of the time I hate it here.

*lolz* I almost forgot how to put an enter in this blog post.

College is not as I expected. To be honest, I really thought I would have had a different experience. By reading my blog posts, you all probably know how big of an introvert I am (and trust me, I am a huge introvert) and the college that I am at isn't a great place for an introvert.

I expected to make more friends honestly. People say that the friends you make in college are the ones that stick with you for the rest of your life. Well I have no new friends right now and honestly, I am getting tired of some of the ones that I do have. I wanted to be more social but there are specific things that are keeping me from being who I really want to be.

I just don't want to be friends with those blond white girls with the Uggs and leggings, the ones who are just there to party.Since I am at such a big party school... I am just hoping that the partiers end up dropping out or transferring to another school because I don't really want to deal with them. Even though I myself want to party doesn't mean that I will go out every single weekend and get fucked up. That's not me. I never want to black out. I never want to wake up and not remember what is happening (but this topic is for another time).

Back to my point though. College is really not what I expected. Maybe it's because I lost the chance of going to a really great school (or a more prestigious school).

*Side Note* I am loving my room mate. Honestly, sometimes I like her more than my best friend. I am so used to her now that I am really going to be sad when she transfers to another school. But to the point. She said something that made me realize that I could have been at better places with better people.

She told me that I could have gotten into a way better school. Just by hearing my work ethnic and living with me, a complete stranger can tell me that I could have done great things makes me feel really regretful about some of the advantages that I didn't take part in.

Here are a list of things I should have done. Maybe this will help you guys who are younger

1. I probably should have taken the SAT. I know I would have done well. It's not because I am arrogant, it's just that I always do really well on standardized tests. I got a 30 on my ACT when my practice ACT predicted a 27 (and I didn't study for this test like AT ALL). I could have done really well on my SAT if I did take it. This is one of my biggest regrets. If I took the SAT I could have applied to schools in California (which is where I really wanted to go). I took the ACT but I did not take it with writing. If I had the chance to go back, I would have just sucked it up and drove all the way to the school that was offering the SAT.

2. I wish I would have been more involved with my school. I really wasn't involved at all with my school. I didn't play any sports (and I would have if I didn't have a job). I really wanted to be on the tennis team but I was too shy to even try. I don't know. I could have been in things like class leadership or been a backstage person for plays or something that would have made me more well rounded or given me experiences for scholarships. I really just went to school and went home. That was basically my whole high school career right there.

3. I sort of wish I applied to more school. I only applied to three schools and the sister school of one of these schools. I really should have applied to more prestigious schools. Maybe I could have gotten in then gotten a lot of scholar ships. That would have been awesome. I could be at a really awesome school instead of here with people I don't like and frankly don't want to be around.

4. I definitely wish I would have done more research on the school that I am going to now. I probably would have chosen a completely different resident hall. I should have done more research instead of blindly following a friend because ultimately that is a bad thing. Never do something just because your friend is doing it. Ultimately, you have to live with your choices. I am not happy with this resident hall. I could have been in a much nicer place or could have just commuted because I haven't made any friends. I should have looked into the cost of going to here versus the other places I had in mind. I wish I would have done additional research on the places that I wanted to go to out of state.

There are plenty more regret I have about my college experience but I am only going to write about those 4. I'll probably write more about college later because it's really bringing me down. All these regrets just make me sad, but I made my choices and now I have to live with them.

On the less sad side... I do have one choice that I was and still am very happy about making.

I am SO glad that I chose not to be room mates with anyone I knew. It's great being room mates with a best friend but eventually I get tired of people. Being around a person too much makes me sick of them. I would probably hate my best friend by this point. Living with someone that you're friends with is just not a good idea, especially if you're going to be in your room all the time. Honestly, I love my current room mate and she's the best match for me. I would have had a lot of problems if I was paired up with anyone else on my floor. I am so glad that I didn't cave in and live with my best friend. I am so glad that I chose to live with a stranger instead. I am SO glad that said stranger respects my need for quiet and time to myself. She doesn't judge me, in fact we have so much more in common.

My room mate and I have had so many conversations. I have shared so much of my life with her. She's awesome and I really really really hope that we can remain friends after she transfers.

The only reason I am still at this college and will continue to be in this college is because of money. I am not paying as much as other people for this lovely college experience. This college would have cost around 13000 a semester to attend. I got about 3500 for a grant. I got a 4,400 academic scholarship. I got 2000 dollars from another grant. 1,800 for work study (which I still don't understand how it works). Then I got an esteemed scholarship for 2,500. I am currently 10,000 in loans and had to pay 1,500 out of my own bank account in order to go here. This really isn't a lot compared to other people and I am lucky to be going here for so little.

Money is basically stopping me from going somewhere I really want to go. I would definitely transfer to a California school if I could. Hell, I would even go to the other side of the country if I could.

Holla

Well, it's been a while but things just don't happen to me.

I guess I shall temporarily use this blog as a way to do answer things that I find on tumblr?

I guess since nothing has happened to me (besides maybe liking another person? Idk yet so....) I shall go ahead and do some random posts on things I find on tumblr. That's probably going to be a majority of my new posts until something actually happens? idk yet.

Man, I know nothing. My whole life is up in the air right now. Let's just do this. ABOUT ME

► Name ➔ Felicia
► Will you answer all questions truthfully ➔ Yes
► Are you single ➔ Yes
► Are you happy ➔ meh
► Are you bored ➔ yes
► Are you sad ➔ Meh?
► Are you Italian ➔ No
► Are you German ➔ No
► Are you Asian ➔ Yes and proud of it
► Are you angry ➔ noo? at least not right now?
► Are you Irish ➔ No
► Are your parents still married ➔ Yes


TEN FACTS
► Birth Place ➔ US of A. To be more specific, Colorado?
► Hair Color ➔ Black, straight up. Darkest hair out of most of my sisters
► Birthday ➔ June 27th
► Mood ➔ tired and excited :)
► Gender ➔ Female
► Lefty or Righty ➔ Righty
► Summer or winter ➔ mostly summer, but sometimes winter
► Morning or afternoon ➔ Afternoon I guess


TEN THINGS ABOUT YOUR LOVE LIFE
► Are you in love ➔ No
► Do you believe in love at first sight ➔ kinda
► Who ended your last relationship ➔ A jerk
► Have you ever been hurt ➔ Yes
► Have you ever broken someone’s heart ➔ maybe?? probably? I don't know?
► Are you friends with your ex ➔ *ahem* refer to the jerk (no)
► Are you afraid of commitment ➔ Absolutely not
► Have you hugged someone within the last week? ➔ Yes, tons of people (tons in my opinion, like 5 in others)
► Have you ever had a secret admirer ➔ Yes? If by secret you mean they never told me but I figured it out then yes
► Have you ever broken your own heart? ➔ how does that work?


TEN CHOICES
► Love or lust ➔ Love
► Lemonade or iced tea ➔ Iced tea
► Cats or Dogs ➔ Both..... but if it comes down to it, dogs
► A few best friends or many regular friends ➔ few best
► Television or internet ➔ Internet... duh
► Pepsi or Coke ➔ Coke
► Wild night out or romantic night in ➔ Romantic night in
► Day or night ➔ Night
► IM or Phone ➔ IM


TEN HAVE YOU EVER ► Been caught sneaking out ➔ No, not by my parents
► Fallen off the stairs ➔ yes
► White water rafted ➔ No
► Finished an entire jawbreaker ➔ yes, one of those smaller ones
► Wanted something/someone so badly it hurt? ➔ Yes
► Prank called a store ➔ No
► Skipped school ➔ I skipped a class once.... but not an entire day of school
► Wanted to disappear ➔ Yes


TEN PREFERENCES
► Smile or eyes ➔ smile
► Light or dark hair ➔ Dark hair
► Fat or skinny ➔ Skinny
► Shorter or Taller ➔ taller, way taller please?
► Intelligence or Attraction ➔ attraction?? i guess
►Jock or Nerd ➔ nerd
► Hook-up or Relationship ➔ Relationship
► Funny and poor OR rich and serious ➔ Funny and poor


LAST
► Last Phone Call ➔ umm, my sister
► Last phone call you received ➔ my cousin
► Last person you hung out with ➔ my friend
► Last thing you ate ➔ fries
► Last thing you drank ➔ coke
► Last site you went to ➔ tumblr
► Last place you were ➔ work


RELATIONSHIPS
► Are you in a committed relationship ➔ No
► When was your last relationship ➔ hmmm.... ended junior year... I am now almost a freshman in college... so almost 2 years?
► Have you ever loved a guy/girl more than anything else in the world? ➔ yes
► Do you still love them ➔ no, lol. That's funny.
► Do you like someone right now ➔ I don’t even know.... maybe? How can I tell if I like him because they're nice to me or if I really really do like him?
I just don't even know right now.


FAMILY
► Do you and your family get along ➔ haha. no.
► Would you say you have a “messed up life”➔ yup
► Have you ever run away from home ➔ No, but i've wanted to.... really really badly
► Have you ever gotten kicked out ➔ Yes, I was threatened with that.
► If so, how long ➔ Didn't happen
FRIENDS ► Do you secretly hate one of your friends ➔ Yes, like a bunch of them. Once I tire of you, I get super tired of you and hate you for a while.
► Do you consider all of your friends good friends ➔ No, absolutely not. I have like 2 best friends.
► Would you die for them ➔ For my friends? no. For my BEST friends? Absolutely.
► Who knows everything about you ➔ No one


Yup, that's it. Some facts about a stranger.

Nail Shop Paris

Man, I suck at watching dramas. It took me like FOREVER to finish watching this. If i get into a drama, it takes me little to no time to finish it but this drama just took forever. I don't know why. I finished the last 5 episodes today though... so basically I blasted through 6 episodes today because I was at the beginning of episode 5.

Initially, I watched this drama because of tumblr (speaking of tumblr, I really have been missing from the tumblr scene for the past two weeks. I miss it so much). I found a photo set of Jin and was confused because it had Thunder and I didn't know he was acting in a drama. Then I kept seeing gif sets and photo sets of the cuteness that is Jin and I decided to watch it. So basically I watched the drama because of Thunder. I really thought he would have been the main character, but his cuteness and his relationship with ji soo is so cute. Man.

I really didn't like the first 4 episodes of the drama. I continued watching because I wanted to see more of Thunder's acting. It seemed really silly and oh my goodness, some of the stuff was really weird (like what up with that shop owner and his eyeliner. Don't even mention the girl who's ghost boyfriend wouldn't leave her alone).

Once I got past the weirdness and the general terribleness of the first 4 episodes, I was pretty much hooked. Oh my goodness, this was the first time that I did not like the main dude. Well, let me explain. I totally thought the main main dude was Alex and thus Bunny was going to end up with Alex. I really did not like him. I was totally team Kay (mmmm kay. He is so cute and he treats Bunny right). The producers did a really good job of confusing me. I totally seriously thought that Alex was the main dude.... but then I wondered why he showed up in so little of the drama. Like he didn't save Bunny or anything like Kay did. Eff it, I am just totally rooting for kay. Seriously. When he told Bunny that he likes her and then they did that little camping trip thing with all the cuteness.... I DIED AND DID A HAPPY DANCE AROUND MY ROOM. (oh, and spoiler....haha all my posts are spoilers... I also died when BUNNY CHOSE KAY and then ran after him and told him all the stuff about how if she lost Alex, her heart would hurt but if she lost Kay then she would die. Oh my goodness.. oh my freaking goodness... how Kay acts when he's happy with Bunny was something that I wanted for myself. I was so jealous and mad at Bunny because she wouldn't realize that it was Kay treating her well and making her happy)

I'm just really really happy that Bunny ended up with Kay. Really really really happy.

But all those plot twists that the producers had were really unexpected. I totally did not expect the boss to be a Gumiho.... let alone Bunny's mother. Dang it, totally not expecting it. I was also not expecting the half-gumiho thing. I was not expecting any of the ending, including Bunny ending up with Kay. I kept telling myself that I should just give up on Bay/kunny (haha couple names :P) because Bunny was going to be an idiot and chose Alex. I seriously almost came to terms with it because I thought Alex was the main guy and the girl almost always ends up with the main guy.

I guess I am pretty satisfied with the ending. (haha dang right I am satisfied with Bunny ending up with Kay) I just wished that there were more episodes so there could be more plot development. The last episode had so much stuff packed into it. I felt like I was watching that episode for 4 hours instead of 1. I really wish there was more information on the mother and what happened after her hibernation (of course she couldn't go back to Paris because she doesn't age).

In conclusion, I like the drama 9once you get over the stupidness of the first 4 episodes)

Answers to Questions part 2

Here is part two.

52. Are you nice to everyone?
Depends on the person you ask. To some people, I am too nice. To others, I am mean. To myself? I don't really know.

53. Have you ever liked someone you didn’t expect to?
Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. Totally did not expect to like a lot of people that I did like but whatever.

54. Do you think you can last in a relationship for 6 months and not cheat?
Ummm.... considering I was in a relationship with a guy for 15 months without cheating..... yeah.

55. Are you good at hiding your feelings?
Yes, yes I am. I am very good at this.

56. Do you think you like someone?
Honestly? I don't really know anymore.

57. Have you kissed someone whose name starts with a ‘J’?
My baby cousin's name is Jenna but that probably doesn't count.... so no

58. Do you prefer to be friends with girls or boys?
Neither. I don't really like people in general.

59. Has anyone of your friends ever seen you cry?
Yeah, I think in 7th grade and then last year around april.

60. Do you hate anyone?
I hate everyone.

61. How’s your heart?
Broken.

62. Is there something that happened in your past that you hate talking about?
Yeah, a lot of things actually.

63. Have you ever cried over a guy?
Duh. I'm a girl.

64. Who is probably talking a load of crap about you right now?
I don't know.... everybody? to be realistic, probably nobody because very few people notice me.

65. Are your toenails painted pink?
No. They used to be painted red but now they're super chipped.

66. Will your next kiss be a mistake?
I hope not.

67. Girls love it when boyfriends cry; correct?
I guess. I don't know. depends on why they're crying.

68. Have your pants ever fallen down in public?
no.

69. Who was the last person you were on the phone with?
My mom.

70. How do you look right now?
like a freaking slob.

71. Do you have someone you can be your complete self around?
Honestly? No.

72. Can you commit to one person?
Yes, yes I can.

73. Do you have someone of the opposite sex you can tell everything to?
No, not anymore.

74. Have you ever felt replaced?
Yes, a lot actually. It's really easy to replace me.

75. Did you wake up cranky?
Today? No.

76. Are you a jealous person?
Yes, yes i am.

77. Are relationships ever worth it?
I don't know anymore.

78. Anyone you’re giving up on?
Yeah, kind of sad actually but yes.

79. Currently wanting to see anyone?
No, I kind of hate the world at this moment.

80. Name something you have to do tomorrow?
Work.

81. Last person you cried in front of?
does myself count? If not.... probably one of my best friends.

82. Is there someone you will never forget?
Yeah, I probably won't forget him. You know how it is with first love.

83. Do you think the person you have feelings for is protective of you?
No, not at all.

84. If the person you wish to be with were with you, what would you be doing right now?
Freaking out because it probably won't ever happen.

85. Are you over your past?
Honestly, no I am not.

86. Have you ever liked one of your best friends of the opposite sex?
I don't have best friends of the opposite sex.

87. Is there anyone you can tell EVERYTHING to?
Yes, one person.

88. If your first true love knocked on your door with apology and presents, would you accept?
I don't know. I honestly don't know. He hurt me a lot and I don't know if I can ever trust him again. What is a relationship without trust?

89. So, the last person you kissed just happens to arrive at your door at 3AM; do you let them in?
No, hell no. My parents would kill me if he ever knocked on my door at 3am. Heck, I would kill him if he did that.

90. Have you ever liked someone who your friends hated?
Yeah. They didn't hate him at first though.

91. Will you be in a relationship in 2 months?
Probably not. I'm a loner.

92. Is there anyone you know with the name Michael?
Yes, my boss's son's name is Michael.

93. Have you ever kissed a Matthew?
Nope. I've only ever kissed one guy.

94. Were you in a relationship in January? How was it going?
This january? Nope, wasn't in a relationship.

95. Were you happy with the person you liked in March?
Nope. When am I ever happy with the person I like? Do I even like anyone anymore?

96. Don’t tell me lies, is the last person you texted attractive?
YES, absolutely gorgeous. She's my best friend and she's awesome.

97. Who do you have texts from?
Friends

98. If the person you like says they like someone else, what would you say?
I would be heart broken. One the outside I would be like "fuck you, I don't need you" but on the inside I am really like "what's wrong with me?"

99. Have you ever kissed someone older than you?
Yup.

100. Who’s in your profile picture with you?
My bestest buddy.

101. Ever kissed under fireworks?
hmmm...... I don't think so.

102. Has anybody ever given you butterflies?
Yes.

So many questions.

Deep Ass Question #4

4. You are at the doctor’s office and he has just informed you that you have approximately one month to live. Do you tell anyone/everyone you are going to die? What do you do with your remaining days? Would you be afraid?

I would tell the people closest to me about it because I want them to prepare and spend as much time with me as possible. Then I would do one of those kickstarters or something like that so I can get money and live out my dream before I die. I want to travel all over asian. I want to be thrown into the middle of hong kong, seoul, or tokyo and just live. I want to be surrounded by strangers. Once I get my fill of traveling, I would fly back home and spend my last moments with my friends and my grandma because those are the people who've been through a lot with me.


Would I be afraid to die? Would I really? I think everybody is afraid to die to some extent, but knowing that my time is up and getting to do what I want, would I rally be afraid to die? I don't really know. I guess if I really think about it, death is just another thing to experience. It's the final frontier that can't ever really be explored. I guess I would be afraid, but I guess I would also be ready as well.

Answers to questions Part 1

Hey y'all. I found all these questions in a tumblr post and thought I would answer them. I should really be studying for my AP Chemistry exam tomorrow, but who wants to do that? Not me, so I will procrastinate with doing this. There are 102 questions so I will just answer 52 of them now :)


1. Think of the last person who said I love you, do you think they meant it?
The last person to say I love you to me was my ex. Did I think he meant it? I thought he did, but maybe he didn't

2. Would you date an 18-year-old at the age you are now?
I happen to be 17, so yes.

3. When’s the last time you were aggravated and happy at the same time?
Prom.

4. Would you ever smile at a stranger?
I do all the time at work. I'm forced to.

5. Is there someone mad because you’re dating/talking to the person you are?
I hope not... I don't talk to lots of people so I don't know.

6. Have you heard a song that reminds you of someone today?
nope, not yet.

7. What exactly are you wearing right now?
Pajamas. My race4kids health volunteer shirt, purple tank top, pink bra, white underpants, black leggings, neon green shorts

8. How often do you listen to music?
Everyday. Music is my savior

9. Do you wear jeans or sweats more?
Used to be sweats but now I wear jeans more (even though I prefer skirts)

10. Do you think your life will change dramatically before 2013?
It is 2013.....

11. Are you a social or an antisocial person?
antisocial

12. Have you ever kissed someone whose name begins with the letter ‘A’?
Yes.... and I hope to kiss another person whose name begins with the same letter

13. What about ‘R’?
Nope. I've only had 1 kiss

14. Can you drive a stick shift?
hell no

15. Do you care if people talk badly about you?
yeah, even though I think I don't, I really do care.

16. Are you going out of town soon?
yeah, when I go to college

17. When was the last time you cried?
four days ago?

18. Have you ever told someone you loved them?
yes

19. If you could change your eye color, would you?
Yes, my eyes are super dark brown.... i just thought they were black. I want them to be lighter

20. Is there a boy who you would do absolutely everything for?
Yes, yes there is but he doesn't really know I exist.

21. Name something you dislike about the day you’re having.
The fact that tomorrow I have an AP Chemistry test to take.

22. Is it cute when guys kiss you on your forehead?
YES

23. Are you dating the last person you talked to?
ummm.... no, considering I am not a lesbian

24. What are you sitting on right now?
bed

25. Does anyone regularly (other than family) tell you they love you?
No.....

26. Have you ever wanted someone you couldn’t have?
Yes, that happens a lot.

27. Who was the last person you talked to before you went to bed last night?
My sister

28. Do you get a lot of colds?
I guess. Define a lot?

29. Where is the shirt you are wearing from?
Race4Kids Health

30. Does anyone hate you?
Probably

31. Do you have any empty alcohol bottles hidden somewhere in your room?
Nope, I don't drink

32. Do you like watching scary movies?
Nope, unless I get to stare at the guy I like. Then I am semi okay with it.

33. Do you want your tongue pierced?
no

34. If you had to delete one year of your life completely, which would it be?
ummm..... The year my relationship ended. I was hurt, very very hurt and now I am broken.

35. Did you have a dream last night?
no

36. When was the last time you told someone you loved them?
umm.... a long time ago

37. Do you think you’ll be married in 5 years?
No.

38. Do you think someone has feelings for you?
Honestly? No.

39. Do you think someone is thinking about you right now?
Honestly? Nope.

40. Did you have a good day yesterday?
Yes and no for various reasons.

41. Think back 2 months ago; were you in a relationship?
Nope. stop reminding me.

42. In the next 48 hours, will you hang out with a girl?
Yup

43. Has anyone told you they don’t want to ever lose you?
Yes, but he lied.

44. What’s the best part about school?
Off periods

45. Do you have any pictures on your Facebook?
Duh, I am a girl and a girly girl at that.

46. Do you ever pass notes to your friends in school?
I used to.

47. Do you replay things that have happened in your head?
Yes, yes I do. The good and the bad.

48. Were you single over the last summer?
Yup. Stop it.

49. Is your life anything like it was two years ago?
Nope, it completely changed.

50. What are you supposed to be doing right now?
Studying, sleeping, anything but doing this.

51. Do you hate the last guy you had a conversation with?
No. Last phone conversation was with my manager. Last in person conversations were my friend's boyfriend, my crush, and his friends. last facebook conversation was my cousin, so no. I don't hate any of them.

Deep Ass Question #3

3. You are on a flight from Honolulu to Chicago non-stop. There is a fire in the back of the plane. You have enough time to make ONE phone call. Who do you call? What do you tell them?


Who do I call: It really depends on what point I am at in my life when I am on the plane. The number one person that I would call is my grandma. I love her so much and if I was dying I would want her to know that. Hearing her voice would be the best thing before the plane burst into flames. Even though there is a language barrier, I want to tell her that I love her and she means the world to me.

Prom

Hello. I had prom yesterday and it was alright. I really wasn't looking forward to going anyway but it was better than I thought. It's just that....



life kinda sucks right now. I suppose this is the first time I'm going to be super vague about what's going on in my life on this blog. I'll complain about it after I get over just being sad.

I was planning on coming on here and just blogging out my feelings in this blog post but the sadness is just so overwhelming that I don't really feel like blogging about it. I just... I just can't. It just hurts so much.

There is just something painful about seeing your childhood/middle school/a bit of high school crush asking someone else to dance. <-- that's all I am saying right now.

Maybe I'll answer another deep ass question to make up for this lame excuse of a blog post.

Deep Ass Questions #2

2. Think of the last time you were REALLY angry. WHY were you angry? Do you still feel the same way?


Hmmm.... I get really angry a lot but most of the time I keep it inside. The last time I was verbally super duper angry? I would have to say was very very personal. I don't really want to talk about this because I get really ashamed of it. I was just very very very very angry and I almost did things that I would have really regret.

As for at this moment, I am angry. I don't think I will ever be as angry as the time mentioned above, but I am pretty angry right now. I'm angry for a lot of reasons. I'm angry that my mom is an idiot. Today, I donated blood without her permission. Ever since I was 12, I've been signing my own papers because my parents are never home. They go to work in the morning and don't come back until late. I've never really needed to ask for permission since then. Since I am almost 18, I figured that it would be okay and that I would tell her later. I came home today and told her and what do I get? I get yelled at for donating blood. Apparently I can't donate blood because in all the years she's been alive, she hasn't donated yet so why should I have gone and done it without permission. WTF is that logic. It's my blood and if I want to use it to save someone then I can. She has no right to tell me that, especially since I don't even consider her a mother.

I am also mad at myself. I am not one of the best people you'll ever meet. I'm not super skinny. I'm not super smart. I'm not sporty. I'm not anything but average. I am mad at myself for being shy and not taking risks. I'm mad at myself for not knowing what I want in life. I am mad at myself for being a coward.

There are just too many things that I am angry about. Too many things to list. Too many things to talk about in a blog post. There are just too many and that, I have realized, is really sad.

Deep Question #1

So.... I found this post on tumblr that has 23 deep ass questions as the title. I figured I will answer all of them. It might not be a daily thing, but I will answer all of them.... Eventually.....

1. What is more difficult for you, looking into someones eyes when you are telling someone how you feel, or looking into someones eyes when they are telling you how they feel?

This question is really hard for me to answer. I rarely tell people how I feel, especially face to face. I can't really remember a time where I really had to explain my feelings face to face with friends. I'm the type of person to avoid confrontation or talking about my feelings or whatever.

I suppose it's more difficult for me to look at someone's eyes when I am telling someone how I feel. When dealing with emotions, I am not good with words. When asked to explain my feelings or give details, my brain shuts down and I stare off into space or down on the ground. I feel that if I look at the person, I will break down and basically flounder around. Maybe that's why I can't talk to the guys that I have liked, that I can't look them in the eye ever. I don't make eye contact with them....

I guess what I am saying is that I am very bad with eye contact. It makes me nervous and I would be uncomfortable with both looking into someones eyes when I are telling someone how I feel and looking into someones eyes when they are telling me how they feel. It's just hard, especially for a socially awkward person like me.

ew

No matter how many people tell me I am skinny, ALL I SEE IS FAT.

Random tumblr post

While scrolling through my dashboard, I came across the post below and completely broke down in almost tears. I don't know why... actually, scratch that. I know exactly why and it's because everything in the post is so completely true that I don't even know what to say. Here is what the post said:

things I can’t imagine

someone having a crush on me
someone randomly seeing me and thinking ‘wow she’s cute’
someone getting happy because I messaged them first
someone thinking about me, in general
someone wondering how I am
someone finding me attractive
someone doing something to try and impress me
someone asking their friend on what to say to me
someone wanting to get to know me




I have always been a very insecure person. I guess that automatically comes with my personality since I am incredibly, painfully shy. This post really shouldn't have affected me in such a significant way, but I guess it made me realize how alone I really feel all at once.

Everything in that post is true. I really can't imagine a person having a crush on me because of how shy I am. I don't talk to a lot of people. I'm extremely socially awkward. I don't know how to flirt, how to be normal when people talk to me. I just don't know how to function like a normal human being.

I can't imagine someone seeing me on the streets and thinking that I am cute or attractive or pretty or beautiful. Sure I have my moments when I feel completely attractive. Most of those happen in my room and late at night when no one else is around. If I saw me in the streets, I wouldn't think that. I have so many body issues that didn't really appear until mid sophomore-early junior year. I don't even know anymore. Sometimes, I think back to when I actually felt pretty or loved and then I realize that people just get tired of me or realize that I am not who they thought I was. I don't know. I just don't feel attractive during the day time, like ever.

I can't imagine someone being happy when I message them first. My friends have their own lives. I don't have a life. Whenever I message my friends, I always feel like I am bothering them. Sometimes, I get a little over zealous with my messages and I can just feel their annoyance seeping through my computer screen. Sometimes, I think that I should just stop trying to talk to my friends and let them come to me but then I realize that they wouldn't. As I said before, they have their own lives and if I don't try to be in it, they wouldn't be my friends. I would be alone if I didn't try because no one cares enough to try and be in my life.

I really can't imagine people thinking about me or wondering how I am ever. Whether it is a guy (which is extremely laughable) or my friends (which is more possible but not likely), I really can't imagine it. As I said before, I know my friends have their own lives and probably never think about how I am. They have their own problems, I guess. I just can't really imagine people thinking about me and whether I am ok or not. This is why I have this blog and my tumblr. What i really cannot imagine is a guy thinking about me. Who would like me enough to even think about me? Not a lot of people.

I can't even imagine someone asking their friends for advice on how to get with me or doing something to impress me. With all my insecurities, how could someone even like me enough to get that far. I don't talk to people so how could my personality entice someone enough to want to be with me? I am not attractive so how can I attract a guy to even want to say hi or ask for my name or something minuscule like that?

Lastly, I can't imagine someone wanting to get to know me. I'm sure there are people out there who want to know what that quiet girl in their class is thinking. There are people who are naturally curious about things like that. But is there someone out there who really wants to get to know ME? Who wants to try and get to know me? Who wants to put in effort and time to even get my attention? I don't think I have ever had that happen, people wanting to get to know me. My first relationship was a fluke. Getting to know me while he was trying to get back with my ex-friend. My next relationship will probably be one of those curious people. The curious people who just want to get to know me, get me to trust them, and then get bored with me and throw me away. After all, I am quite used to that (being thrown away that is).

I am not one to trust very easily. I keep my trust locked tightly in a heavy, stainless steel box and rarely give it out. The thing with trust is people brake it and throw you away and it hurts. There are people that I hate. People that I tolerate. People that I partially trust. People that I trust more than partially. Then there is me. It's going to be very hard for me to ever trust another person completely ever again.

I'm going to be like a feral animal. No one is going to want me because it takes time and patience to gain my affections. Not many people have time and patience. Even less have the ability to make me open up. And even less than that will have the ability to make me love them.

What I wouldn't do for a chance with you.

There is nothing else I want more than to have a chance with you. You, who has become unattainable. I'm going off to college soon. We'll go our separate ways and never see each other again. I just want a chance to be happy for at least a little bit. You know?

It's kind of funny how much I still like you. We've been through a lot, maybe not together but we've been through a lot. I really want to try this thing out but can I ever act on it? No. I am not that type of person. That is why you have to make the move. You have to be brave, but I don't even know if you like me anymore or if you ever did at all.

I wish for us to try this thing out but it probably won't work out. We've tried before, at least being friends but one of us ruined it and it was probably me. *sigh* This is who I am. I am quiet. I will never make the first move. I am shy.

This is me, a girl who like you. Who likes you a lot actually. Who has liked you, a person that she doesn't even know, for a really long time. Who has always wanted to see what it would feel like to be with you but has never actually acted on it. How can I when your presence shoots my nerves and make me a nervous wreck. I can't even talk. You're always at the top of my chat list but I never click your name.

I don't know. Some people may ask how I can like you when I don't even know you anymore. Maybe I just like the idea of you. I know that sounds weird. I may just be insane, but you've always been a presence in my life. You've always been someone I can fall back onto. No matter how much I strayed to other people (and believe me, I have) there is always you that I can always go back to liking.

I don't know. I just don't know what draws me back to saying I like you again and again and again. It's weird. Maybe once we go off to college, I will give up on the idea of you. On the idea of being in a relationship with you because you have no idea how bad I want to try. I want to unravel what makes you you. You're a mystery to me.

I don't know. This is stupid. I'm stupid. Forget that I ever said anything. I'll just go back to admiring from afar and having these sad moments when all I want is you.

I want a proper Valentine's day

I'm still waiting for a nice Valentine's Day. A real Valentine's Day. One where I get surprised and have a guy in my life who is willing to be with me. A guy who is willing to fix me and make me feel special even though I think Valentine's Day is somewhat stupid.


Despite thinking that, I still want to feel special. I guess I can be a hypocrite for saying this but isn't it something all girls want? Even though they may hate Valentine's day, every girl secretly wants a guy to do something special for her.

I've never been satisfied with any Valentine's day. Am I crazy for thinking that some guy will be brave enough to confess to me on Valentine's day? Yup, probably. I mean, who could like a quiet, shy, book-nerd like me right?

Brb while I cry in a corner. *sob*

I think a guy can fix everything

Today, I realized that I am a person who thinks a guy can fix all my problems. This is a very bad thing because I have become dependent on a guy. A guy that I do not even know yet. I feel that a guy can just take away all my problems or at least help with them. I feel like having a guy who is there for me, who will give me hugs to make me feel better, who will support me, who will calm me down, who will do everything to make sure I am happy would fix who I am.

I know that I don't really need a man, but due to my past relationship I feel that having someone like that just has to be a guy. I have never really been the open type, especially to other girls. The first person I ever opened up to completely was a guy and maybe I feel like my boyfriend (whoever he may be in the future) would be the only person that I can ever open up to completely. I don't know why, I guess I just can't really talk to girls. This could be a pretty big problem.

Right now, I do not have a guy and there are times when I feel completely broken and hurt and I just hold it all in. I feel like I'm going to need therapy in order to control all the feelings I have bottled up inside. I feel like having a guy there would make me feel so much better. For those of you in relationships or those who have been in relationship then you know what I am talking about. A hug from your significant other can at least make the world a little bit better.

I guess I have developed dependent feelings and expectations for the male specimen and I am not sure how to deal with that. All I know is that whoever decided they want to date me next needs to be warned of all my emotional baggage. I just want a fun relationship with a guy who will be there for me. Someone who would just hug me and not ask questions when I show up at his house in tears. Someone to cheer me up again. I just need someone.

I'm a very very sad person.

Not Very Many People Understand Me

Yup, there are very few people in this world that understands how to deal with me as a person. My mom is probably the person who understands the least about me.

One, if you yell at me I shut down, block you out, and get angry. That's basically all my mom does. She yells and yells and yells. She yells so much that I drown her out when she does. I don't listen. I hate people who yell at me. Is it hard to just sit down with me and talk like a normal person? Is it really that hard to have a conversation with me instead of yelling at me and telling me that I am lazy for not doing anything for you? No, it's not and maybe if my mom was more of a decent human being then maybe I would actually want to visit her when I am an adult.

Two, I hate it when people have double standards. It annoys the crap out of me. It's ok to have shifts in opinion and not everybody gets treated the same but is it really that hard to punish your children with the same punishments? I am the good child. I don't drink. I rarely go out. I don't do drugs. I get really good grades. But why? Why I ask do I get treated like a dog and yelled at for every. single. thing I do while my sister, who is the total wannabe popular type of person. She goes out basically every day and gets bad grades and my mom does nothing. Nothing. She doesn't get yelled at. She doesn't get treated like a freaking slave whenever she doesn't do anything my mom says.

*sigh* <--- that was a pretty big sigh because I am tired of my mom not appreciating me for EVERYTHING that I do for her. If it's not physically doing something, then she's not satisfied. Sometimes, I wonder what she would do if I got into drugs and alcohol. Sometimes, I come very close to just giving up on my life and succumbing to those vices just to show her how much of great child I was before. Seriously. What do I do? What do I do with a mom that won't listen?

You may wonder why I don't just talk to her about it. Well, she doesn't listen to anything. If it's not her talking, she won't listen. If it's not something she wants to hear, she won't listen. I've tried, time and time again to explain to her that yelling at me won't solve any problems. All it'll do is make me angry, very very very angry. But what does she do? She yells at me some more for being ungrateful and liking other people more than her. How am I supposed to deal with that? Every time she does it, it just makes me more and more frustrated.

I asked her once, in these exact words "do you want me to die?" while we were in an argument. and what did she do? She yelled at me for being ungrateful to her. All she said was look at that laptop i bought you. Look at that car I let you drive. Look at the clothes you have. Look at everything I gave you and why do you not listen to me? WELL WHY DON'T YOU LISTEN TO ME? I basically just told you that I want to die and you didn't even give a fuck.

I came so close to just slitting my wrists that day because I knew she wasn't going to change and I would never have that mother daughter relationship that I want. I came so close to ending my life because my very own mother didn't want to acknowledge the fact that the way she treats me doesn't help my depression. It doesn't help to know that the person who gave birth to me refuses to acknowledge everything that I do for her.The only thing that kept me from actually doing it was that my grandma would have been so sad when she came back from her vacation.

She doesn't understand and she never will. When I am all grown up then she'll feel my wrath. Revenge might not be the most healthiest thing but it's my motivation to succeed in life and not give up.

When I am an adult, she will feel the hurt that I did. I will be successful. I will make a lot of money. I will be successful and she won't get ANY of it. If my grandma is still alive, I would take her away from my mom. I would give her the luxury she deserves in her final years. I would make it known that this lady I live with right now is not my mother. She may be my "mother" technically, but emotionally she's hell. Living with her and the rest of my family is absolute hell. Right now, my "mother" will NOT be invited to my wedding. I will make sure to invite my dad but NOT my mother. I have disowned her as a mother just like she disowned me as a child when I asked if she wanted me to die.

After that day, I have more and more anger. I am so done with pretending that I actually like my mom. I am so done with pretending that we can actually live with each other. I am so done with her. I will NOT live at home. I would rather cut off my arms than live at home for college. I refuse to live at home. I refuse to have her at my wedding. I refuse to come back home for any other reason than to visit my grandparents and for family parties.

I am filled with so much anger towards my mother that after college, I plan on never seeing her face again. She made me the angry person that I am. She doesn't understand buddhism at all. If a daughter mistreats her mother, then her daughter will mistreat her 10X as worse. Well my mother mistreats my grandma and me and therefore she brought my wrath on her herself. I will never treat my daughter the way she treats me.



and now that I am calm, I still hate my mother.

Eww, people.

Am I the only person that hates a lot of people?

I know that hate is a very strong word, but to me it is not strong enough for some people. There are the people that I love, the people I can stand, the people i hate, and the people that can absolutely rot in hell for the rest of their lives, omg i can't stand you kind of people. There are very few people in the people I love category. Is that sad? Or is that the sad truth of life?

In the people I can stand category, there are the people I have casual friendships with. The people that are okay in my book. The people that are ok but i wouldn't actually call them my bestest friend. I suppose this category is moderately sized, at least for me. Compared to other people, the size of this category (for me) would be pretty small, but there are very few people that I can actually stand.

People that I hate is probably the biggest category. This category is reserved for people that have done wrong to me. Whether it be that stupid snooty girl in the hall tapping her shoes and saying (very rudely) that SOMEONE (me) should walk faster or that person that abandoned me for someone "more popular". This category is filled with so many people. I swear, if I don't hate you then you're pretty special (at least to me).

And finally, we reach the "I hope you rot in hell for the rest of your life" category. This category is for the people that I absolutely despise. There isn't a lot of people in this category. A lot are just in the "I hate you" category. This category is reserved for the ex-boyfriend (partially i suppose), my sisters, and anyone else that I hate with the burning passion of a thousand sons. This category isn't that big, but I feel that within my life it will continue to grow. Whether it be future ex boyfriends or future bosses this category isn't going to go away because I will always have someone that I absolutely cannot stand no matter what.

I'm a simple person with simple expectations. Don't hurt me. Don't make fun of me. Don't be mean and rude and gross. That's all I ask for. If I can be any art of the "real" me in front of you then consider yourself lucky because the "real" me doesn't show her face very often.

That's just how I am. Take me with all my imperfections.

How can I love?

How can I love when I'm afraid to fall?

This is what I think about sometimes. How can I love another person if I am so afraid of falling.

It's not actual love that I'm afraid of. It's the prospect of falling in love. Of being the real me with someone and depending on someone only to have that ripped away from me.

I've dealt with it once. Heartbreak I mean and in some ways, I'm still trying to deal with it. Having someone you trusted completely betray you tends to have extremely negative effects on people. It doesn't even matter that it was an ex. I am pretty sure that I would still be devastated if my absolute best friend decided to betray me.

Seriously. Having people betray you hurts and I don't want to go through the pain of getting close to someone, of falling, and having them figure out that being with me means dealing with a whole ocean filled with problems and that they no longer want to be with me anymore.

I know it's hard to deal with me. I can be pretty annoying. I can be pretty moody. I can get so angry that I'll be ready to murder the next person I see. That is why I need someone with patience. If a guy does not have patience, there is NO way he'll even be able to handle a little glimpse of who I really am.

Being the moody b**ch that I am, a guy needs so much patience to deal with me. Guys are not usually patience. Which is why I will be a lonely cat lady artist for the rest of my life.

Anyway, back to the point. I am afraid. I'm afraid of guys. Afraid of falling. Afraid of getting hurt. I'm just afraid.

Words cannot explain how I feel right now

There is one word that comes close to describing how I feel, but does not completely encase it. That word is stressed.

There are so many pressures put upon my shoulders right now that it isn't even fathomable how I have not been crushed by my load right now. I have so many emotional issues and so many actual things to do but what I actually do is nothing. There isn't much I can do to fix my emotional issues. It's not like I can heal my brain (and asians don't believe in depression and such... at least my family doesn't).

It's not like I can tell my brain to stop being so sad all the time, to stop thinking about people and move onto better things can it? If anyone knows how to control my brain then please inform me because I do not need this sadness in my life right now.

Sometimes, I can cry with all this pressure, with all the thoughts going through my head. I'm crying right now actually because I don't want to deal with growing up, moving on, gaining freedom, everything. All this pressure is getting to me and messing with my brain.

When I'm stressed, I can't help but to think of the past. I can't help pulling up past memories of people I used to know. I can't help pulling up past relationships, past friendships, past opportunities that I missed, past everything. You see... when there is enough stress on my plate, I live in the past. I think about "M" who used to be my best friend. Who used to be so close to me and yet she is one of the people I hate most right now. Isn't it funny how that happens?

I can't help thinking about A and what could have happened if I told him how I actually feel. How I felt from 3rd to 5th grade, 7-8th grade, and perhaps even high school. I can't help thinking of the possible relationship that we would have had and whether he would have broken my heart or not. I really hope not because I have had enough heartbreak to last me for a while.

And lastly, I think of him. The person who has hurt me the most. I don't know why thoughts of this terrible terrible jerk comes into my mind when I am extremely stressed. I don't know why I continue to torture myself with his memories. I can't even begin to describe how frustrating this is. I wish I could just forget, but life doesn't work that way. No matter how hard I try, I can't forget.

I can't forget about my ex-best friend who I used to care about and now I hate. I can't forget about the person that could have been my first love or my first heartbreak or maybe a little bit of both, but at least could have been my friend. and last, I can't forget about my first actual heartbreak. I can't forget the person who put me though so much pain, who still is.

I just can't forget, no matter how hard I try.



Right now, I am watching a drama called "The Innocent Man" and I am quite envious of Eun Gi. *SPOILER ALERT* she gets to forget everything. She gets to have a car crash and forget. She gets to forget all the pain and sadness. How I wish I could a restart with my memories. Maybe I would finally get some peace. Maybe I can even be happy for a little bit.



No matter how much I want to forget, there are always the things that I don't. I don't ever want to forget my current best friend because she is amazing. I don't want to forget the friendship that took 5 years to build. I don't want to forget her....

but sometimes I ask myself if it's worth it. If remembering this one bright sun in my life is worth all the pain that I have within my brain and ultimately the pain within my heart? Sometimes, on a good day, I would say yes. All my memories with her, with N and possibly with D are all worth this pain that I am feeling right now.

and on days like this... On nights like this, I am willing to give up my life to stop this (what seems like) endless waves of pain. Never would I have ever thought that I would be sitting in my bedroom alone and crying my eyes out wishing for a better life. I didn't think I had it that bad, but sometimes it feels terrible.

and I just deal with it, this pain. I have kept it all in until one night I just break down and rant all my problems through this blog. There are those meaningless posts about random stuff within this blog. There are days where I just want to write something for this blog.



But there are also those days where this blog is my medicine. It's what keeps me going. It is an outlet. It is MY outlet for things that I can't tell anyone, for all the pain that I experience, and all the feelings that I have kept inside for so long.

This blog is my way of dealing. This blog is my medicine.

What is my life?

What is this life I live? You all may ask what I am doing right now, but then again how many of you are there? Not many.

Ok.... basically, only I read my own blog. That makes it kinda sad when I'm sitting here and typing a message to you guys when you guys are really only myself. Kinda sad.....


Darn... I gave away what I was doing.

Yes, I am blogging right now. It is currently 3 in the morning and i'm blogging. The only things I did today were wake up, go to the bank, come home and eat, go to work, read a little, and lots of blogging. Like LOTS of blogging. Not on here because frankly i don't like talking about myself or anything. I did a lot of blogging on my tumblr.

I LOVE TUMBLR AND WILL GLADLY WASTE MY ENTIRE EXISTENCE ON IT.

Yes, this is the actual life of a teenage non-socialite.