What I wouldn't do for a chance with you.

There is nothing else I want more than to have a chance with you. You, who has become unattainable. I'm going off to college soon. We'll go our separate ways and never see each other again. I just want a chance to be happy for at least a little bit. You know?

It's kind of funny how much I still like you. We've been through a lot, maybe not together but we've been through a lot. I really want to try this thing out but can I ever act on it? No. I am not that type of person. That is why you have to make the move. You have to be brave, but I don't even know if you like me anymore or if you ever did at all.

I wish for us to try this thing out but it probably won't work out. We've tried before, at least being friends but one of us ruined it and it was probably me. *sigh* This is who I am. I am quiet. I will never make the first move. I am shy.

This is me, a girl who like you. Who likes you a lot actually. Who has liked you, a person that she doesn't even know, for a really long time. Who has always wanted to see what it would feel like to be with you but has never actually acted on it. How can I when your presence shoots my nerves and make me a nervous wreck. I can't even talk. You're always at the top of my chat list but I never click your name.

I don't know. Some people may ask how I can like you when I don't even know you anymore. Maybe I just like the idea of you. I know that sounds weird. I may just be insane, but you've always been a presence in my life. You've always been someone I can fall back onto. No matter how much I strayed to other people (and believe me, I have) there is always you that I can always go back to liking.

I don't know. I just don't know what draws me back to saying I like you again and again and again. It's weird. Maybe once we go off to college, I will give up on the idea of you. On the idea of being in a relationship with you because you have no idea how bad I want to try. I want to unravel what makes you you. You're a mystery to me.

I don't know. This is stupid. I'm stupid. Forget that I ever said anything. I'll just go back to admiring from afar and having these sad moments when all I want is you.

I want a proper Valentine's day

I'm still waiting for a nice Valentine's Day. A real Valentine's Day. One where I get surprised and have a guy in my life who is willing to be with me. A guy who is willing to fix me and make me feel special even though I think Valentine's Day is somewhat stupid.


Despite thinking that, I still want to feel special. I guess I can be a hypocrite for saying this but isn't it something all girls want? Even though they may hate Valentine's day, every girl secretly wants a guy to do something special for her.

I've never been satisfied with any Valentine's day. Am I crazy for thinking that some guy will be brave enough to confess to me on Valentine's day? Yup, probably. I mean, who could like a quiet, shy, book-nerd like me right?

Brb while I cry in a corner. *sob*

I think a guy can fix everything

Today, I realized that I am a person who thinks a guy can fix all my problems. This is a very bad thing because I have become dependent on a guy. A guy that I do not even know yet. I feel that a guy can just take away all my problems or at least help with them. I feel like having a guy who is there for me, who will give me hugs to make me feel better, who will support me, who will calm me down, who will do everything to make sure I am happy would fix who I am.

I know that I don't really need a man, but due to my past relationship I feel that having someone like that just has to be a guy. I have never really been the open type, especially to other girls. The first person I ever opened up to completely was a guy and maybe I feel like my boyfriend (whoever he may be in the future) would be the only person that I can ever open up to completely. I don't know why, I guess I just can't really talk to girls. This could be a pretty big problem.

Right now, I do not have a guy and there are times when I feel completely broken and hurt and I just hold it all in. I feel like I'm going to need therapy in order to control all the feelings I have bottled up inside. I feel like having a guy there would make me feel so much better. For those of you in relationships or those who have been in relationship then you know what I am talking about. A hug from your significant other can at least make the world a little bit better.

I guess I have developed dependent feelings and expectations for the male specimen and I am not sure how to deal with that. All I know is that whoever decided they want to date me next needs to be warned of all my emotional baggage. I just want a fun relationship with a guy who will be there for me. Someone who would just hug me and not ask questions when I show up at his house in tears. Someone to cheer me up again. I just need someone.

I'm a very very sad person.

Not Very Many People Understand Me

Yup, there are very few people in this world that understands how to deal with me as a person. My mom is probably the person who understands the least about me.

One, if you yell at me I shut down, block you out, and get angry. That's basically all my mom does. She yells and yells and yells. She yells so much that I drown her out when she does. I don't listen. I hate people who yell at me. Is it hard to just sit down with me and talk like a normal person? Is it really that hard to have a conversation with me instead of yelling at me and telling me that I am lazy for not doing anything for you? No, it's not and maybe if my mom was more of a decent human being then maybe I would actually want to visit her when I am an adult.

Two, I hate it when people have double standards. It annoys the crap out of me. It's ok to have shifts in opinion and not everybody gets treated the same but is it really that hard to punish your children with the same punishments? I am the good child. I don't drink. I rarely go out. I don't do drugs. I get really good grades. But why? Why I ask do I get treated like a dog and yelled at for every. single. thing I do while my sister, who is the total wannabe popular type of person. She goes out basically every day and gets bad grades and my mom does nothing. Nothing. She doesn't get yelled at. She doesn't get treated like a freaking slave whenever she doesn't do anything my mom says.

*sigh* <--- that was a pretty big sigh because I am tired of my mom not appreciating me for EVERYTHING that I do for her. If it's not physically doing something, then she's not satisfied. Sometimes, I wonder what she would do if I got into drugs and alcohol. Sometimes, I come very close to just giving up on my life and succumbing to those vices just to show her how much of great child I was before. Seriously. What do I do? What do I do with a mom that won't listen?

You may wonder why I don't just talk to her about it. Well, she doesn't listen to anything. If it's not her talking, she won't listen. If it's not something she wants to hear, she won't listen. I've tried, time and time again to explain to her that yelling at me won't solve any problems. All it'll do is make me angry, very very very angry. But what does she do? She yells at me some more for being ungrateful and liking other people more than her. How am I supposed to deal with that? Every time she does it, it just makes me more and more frustrated.

I asked her once, in these exact words "do you want me to die?" while we were in an argument. and what did she do? She yelled at me for being ungrateful to her. All she said was look at that laptop i bought you. Look at that car I let you drive. Look at the clothes you have. Look at everything I gave you and why do you not listen to me? WELL WHY DON'T YOU LISTEN TO ME? I basically just told you that I want to die and you didn't even give a fuck.

I came so close to just slitting my wrists that day because I knew she wasn't going to change and I would never have that mother daughter relationship that I want. I came so close to ending my life because my very own mother didn't want to acknowledge the fact that the way she treats me doesn't help my depression. It doesn't help to know that the person who gave birth to me refuses to acknowledge everything that I do for her.The only thing that kept me from actually doing it was that my grandma would have been so sad when she came back from her vacation.

She doesn't understand and she never will. When I am all grown up then she'll feel my wrath. Revenge might not be the most healthiest thing but it's my motivation to succeed in life and not give up.

When I am an adult, she will feel the hurt that I did. I will be successful. I will make a lot of money. I will be successful and she won't get ANY of it. If my grandma is still alive, I would take her away from my mom. I would give her the luxury she deserves in her final years. I would make it known that this lady I live with right now is not my mother. She may be my "mother" technically, but emotionally she's hell. Living with her and the rest of my family is absolute hell. Right now, my "mother" will NOT be invited to my wedding. I will make sure to invite my dad but NOT my mother. I have disowned her as a mother just like she disowned me as a child when I asked if she wanted me to die.

After that day, I have more and more anger. I am so done with pretending that I actually like my mom. I am so done with pretending that we can actually live with each other. I am so done with her. I will NOT live at home. I would rather cut off my arms than live at home for college. I refuse to live at home. I refuse to have her at my wedding. I refuse to come back home for any other reason than to visit my grandparents and for family parties.

I am filled with so much anger towards my mother that after college, I plan on never seeing her face again. She made me the angry person that I am. She doesn't understand buddhism at all. If a daughter mistreats her mother, then her daughter will mistreat her 10X as worse. Well my mother mistreats my grandma and me and therefore she brought my wrath on her herself. I will never treat my daughter the way she treats me.



and now that I am calm, I still hate my mother.