Am I the only person that hates a lot of people?
I know that hate is a very strong word, but to me it is not strong enough for some people. There are the people that I love, the people I can stand, the people i hate, and the people that can absolutely rot in hell for the rest of their lives, omg i can't stand you kind of people. There are very few people in the people I love category. Is that sad? Or is that the sad truth of life?
In the people I can stand category, there are the people I have casual friendships with. The people that are okay in my book. The people that are ok but i wouldn't actually call them my bestest friend. I suppose this category is moderately sized, at least for me. Compared to other people, the size of this category (for me) would be pretty small, but there are very few people that I can actually stand.
People that I hate is probably the biggest category. This category is reserved for people that have done wrong to me. Whether it be that stupid snooty girl in the hall tapping her shoes and saying (very rudely) that SOMEONE (me) should walk faster or that person that abandoned me for someone "more popular". This category is filled with so many people. I swear, if I don't hate you then you're pretty special (at least to me).
And finally, we reach the "I hope you rot in hell for the rest of your life" category. This category is for the people that I absolutely despise. There isn't a lot of people in this category. A lot are just in the "I hate you" category. This category is reserved for the ex-boyfriend (partially i suppose), my sisters, and anyone else that I hate with the burning passion of a thousand sons. This category isn't that big, but I feel that within my life it will continue to grow. Whether it be future ex boyfriends or future bosses this category isn't going to go away because I will always have someone that I absolutely cannot stand no matter what.
I'm a simple person with simple expectations. Don't hurt me. Don't make fun of me. Don't be mean and rude and gross. That's all I ask for. If I can be any art of the "real" me in front of you then consider yourself lucky because the "real" me doesn't show her face very often.
That's just how I am. Take me with all my imperfections.
Wednesday, January 30, 2013
Saturday, January 19, 2013
How can I love?
How can I love when I'm afraid to fall?
This is what I think about sometimes. How can I love another person if I am so afraid of falling.
It's not actual love that I'm afraid of. It's the prospect of falling in love. Of being the real me with someone and depending on someone only to have that ripped away from me.
I've dealt with it once. Heartbreak I mean and in some ways, I'm still trying to deal with it. Having someone you trusted completely betray you tends to have extremely negative effects on people. It doesn't even matter that it was an ex. I am pretty sure that I would still be devastated if my absolute best friend decided to betray me.
Seriously. Having people betray you hurts and I don't want to go through the pain of getting close to someone, of falling, and having them figure out that being with me means dealing with a whole ocean filled with problems and that they no longer want to be with me anymore.
I know it's hard to deal with me. I can be pretty annoying. I can be pretty moody. I can get so angry that I'll be ready to murder the next person I see. That is why I need someone with patience. If a guy does not have patience, there is NO way he'll even be able to handle a little glimpse of who I really am.
Being the moody b**ch that I am, a guy needs so much patience to deal with me. Guys are not usually patience. Which is why I will be a lonely cat lady artist for the rest of my life.
Anyway, back to the point. I am afraid. I'm afraid of guys. Afraid of falling. Afraid of getting hurt. I'm just afraid.
This is what I think about sometimes. How can I love another person if I am so afraid of falling.
It's not actual love that I'm afraid of. It's the prospect of falling in love. Of being the real me with someone and depending on someone only to have that ripped away from me.
I've dealt with it once. Heartbreak I mean and in some ways, I'm still trying to deal with it. Having someone you trusted completely betray you tends to have extremely negative effects on people. It doesn't even matter that it was an ex. I am pretty sure that I would still be devastated if my absolute best friend decided to betray me.
Seriously. Having people betray you hurts and I don't want to go through the pain of getting close to someone, of falling, and having them figure out that being with me means dealing with a whole ocean filled with problems and that they no longer want to be with me anymore.
I know it's hard to deal with me. I can be pretty annoying. I can be pretty moody. I can get so angry that I'll be ready to murder the next person I see. That is why I need someone with patience. If a guy does not have patience, there is NO way he'll even be able to handle a little glimpse of who I really am.
Being the moody b**ch that I am, a guy needs so much patience to deal with me. Guys are not usually patience. Which is why I will be a lonely cat lady artist for the rest of my life.
Anyway, back to the point. I am afraid. I'm afraid of guys. Afraid of falling. Afraid of getting hurt. I'm just afraid.
Monday, January 14, 2013
Words cannot explain how I feel right now
There is one word that comes close to describing how I feel, but does not completely encase it. That word is stressed.
There are so many pressures put upon my shoulders right now that it isn't even fathomable how I have not been crushed by my load right now. I have so many emotional issues and so many actual things to do but what I actually do is nothing. There isn't much I can do to fix my emotional issues. It's not like I can heal my brain (and asians don't believe in depression and such... at least my family doesn't).
It's not like I can tell my brain to stop being so sad all the time, to stop thinking about people and move onto better things can it? If anyone knows how to control my brain then please inform me because I do not need this sadness in my life right now.
Sometimes, I can cry with all this pressure, with all the thoughts going through my head. I'm crying right now actually because I don't want to deal with growing up, moving on, gaining freedom, everything. All this pressure is getting to me and messing with my brain.
When I'm stressed, I can't help but to think of the past. I can't help pulling up past memories of people I used to know. I can't help pulling up past relationships, past friendships, past opportunities that I missed, past everything. You see... when there is enough stress on my plate, I live in the past. I think about "M" who used to be my best friend. Who used to be so close to me and yet she is one of the people I hate most right now. Isn't it funny how that happens?
I can't help thinking about A and what could have happened if I told him how I actually feel. How I felt from 3rd to 5th grade, 7-8th grade, and perhaps even high school. I can't help thinking of the possible relationship that we would have had and whether he would have broken my heart or not. I really hope not because I have had enough heartbreak to last me for a while.
And lastly, I think of him. The person who has hurt me the most. I don't know why thoughts of this terrible terrible jerk comes into my mind when I am extremely stressed. I don't know why I continue to torture myself with his memories. I can't even begin to describe how frustrating this is. I wish I could just forget, but life doesn't work that way. No matter how hard I try, I can't forget.
I can't forget about my ex-best friend who I used to care about and now I hate. I can't forget about the person that could have been my first love or my first heartbreak or maybe a little bit of both, but at least could have been my friend. and last, I can't forget about my first actual heartbreak. I can't forget the person who put me though so much pain, who still is.
I just can't forget, no matter how hard I try.
Right now, I am watching a drama called "The Innocent Man" and I am quite envious of Eun Gi. *SPOILER ALERT* she gets to forget everything. She gets to have a car crash and forget. She gets to forget all the pain and sadness. How I wish I could a restart with my memories. Maybe I would finally get some peace. Maybe I can even be happy for a little bit.
No matter how much I want to forget, there are always the things that I don't. I don't ever want to forget my current best friend because she is amazing. I don't want to forget the friendship that took 5 years to build. I don't want to forget her....
but sometimes I ask myself if it's worth it. If remembering this one bright sun in my life is worth all the pain that I have within my brain and ultimately the pain within my heart? Sometimes, on a good day, I would say yes. All my memories with her, with N and possibly with D are all worth this pain that I am feeling right now.
and on days like this... On nights like this, I am willing to give up my life to stop this (what seems like) endless waves of pain. Never would I have ever thought that I would be sitting in my bedroom alone and crying my eyes out wishing for a better life. I didn't think I had it that bad, but sometimes it feels terrible.
and I just deal with it, this pain. I have kept it all in until one night I just break down and rant all my problems through this blog. There are those meaningless posts about random stuff within this blog. There are days where I just want to write something for this blog.
But there are also those days where this blog is my medicine. It's what keeps me going. It is an outlet. It is MY outlet for things that I can't tell anyone, for all the pain that I experience, and all the feelings that I have kept inside for so long.
This blog is my way of dealing. This blog is my medicine.
There are so many pressures put upon my shoulders right now that it isn't even fathomable how I have not been crushed by my load right now. I have so many emotional issues and so many actual things to do but what I actually do is nothing. There isn't much I can do to fix my emotional issues. It's not like I can heal my brain (and asians don't believe in depression and such... at least my family doesn't).
It's not like I can tell my brain to stop being so sad all the time, to stop thinking about people and move onto better things can it? If anyone knows how to control my brain then please inform me because I do not need this sadness in my life right now.
Sometimes, I can cry with all this pressure, with all the thoughts going through my head. I'm crying right now actually because I don't want to deal with growing up, moving on, gaining freedom, everything. All this pressure is getting to me and messing with my brain.
When I'm stressed, I can't help but to think of the past. I can't help pulling up past memories of people I used to know. I can't help pulling up past relationships, past friendships, past opportunities that I missed, past everything. You see... when there is enough stress on my plate, I live in the past. I think about "M" who used to be my best friend. Who used to be so close to me and yet she is one of the people I hate most right now. Isn't it funny how that happens?
I can't help thinking about A and what could have happened if I told him how I actually feel. How I felt from 3rd to 5th grade, 7-8th grade, and perhaps even high school. I can't help thinking of the possible relationship that we would have had and whether he would have broken my heart or not. I really hope not because I have had enough heartbreak to last me for a while.
And lastly, I think of him. The person who has hurt me the most. I don't know why thoughts of this terrible terrible jerk comes into my mind when I am extremely stressed. I don't know why I continue to torture myself with his memories. I can't even begin to describe how frustrating this is. I wish I could just forget, but life doesn't work that way. No matter how hard I try, I can't forget.
I can't forget about my ex-best friend who I used to care about and now I hate. I can't forget about the person that could have been my first love or my first heartbreak or maybe a little bit of both, but at least could have been my friend. and last, I can't forget about my first actual heartbreak. I can't forget the person who put me though so much pain, who still is.
I just can't forget, no matter how hard I try.
Right now, I am watching a drama called "The Innocent Man" and I am quite envious of Eun Gi. *SPOILER ALERT* she gets to forget everything. She gets to have a car crash and forget. She gets to forget all the pain and sadness. How I wish I could a restart with my memories. Maybe I would finally get some peace. Maybe I can even be happy for a little bit.
No matter how much I want to forget, there are always the things that I don't. I don't ever want to forget my current best friend because she is amazing. I don't want to forget the friendship that took 5 years to build. I don't want to forget her....
but sometimes I ask myself if it's worth it. If remembering this one bright sun in my life is worth all the pain that I have within my brain and ultimately the pain within my heart? Sometimes, on a good day, I would say yes. All my memories with her, with N and possibly with D are all worth this pain that I am feeling right now.
and on days like this... On nights like this, I am willing to give up my life to stop this (what seems like) endless waves of pain. Never would I have ever thought that I would be sitting in my bedroom alone and crying my eyes out wishing for a better life. I didn't think I had it that bad, but sometimes it feels terrible.
and I just deal with it, this pain. I have kept it all in until one night I just break down and rant all my problems through this blog. There are those meaningless posts about random stuff within this blog. There are days where I just want to write something for this blog.
But there are also those days where this blog is my medicine. It's what keeps me going. It is an outlet. It is MY outlet for things that I can't tell anyone, for all the pain that I experience, and all the feelings that I have kept inside for so long.
This blog is my way of dealing. This blog is my medicine.
Friday, January 4, 2013
What is my life?
What is this life I live? You all may ask what I am doing right now, but then again how many of you are there? Not many.
Ok.... basically, only I read my own blog. That makes it kinda sad when I'm sitting here and typing a message to you guys when you guys are really only myself. Kinda sad.....
Darn... I gave away what I was doing.
Yes, I am blogging right now. It is currently 3 in the morning and i'm blogging. The only things I did today were wake up, go to the bank, come home and eat, go to work, read a little, and lots of blogging. Like LOTS of blogging. Not on here because frankly i don't like talking about myself or anything. I did a lot of blogging on my tumblr.
I LOVE TUMBLR AND WILL GLADLY WASTE MY ENTIRE EXISTENCE ON IT.
Yes, this is the actual life of a teenage non-socialite.
Ok.... basically, only I read my own blog. That makes it kinda sad when I'm sitting here and typing a message to you guys when you guys are really only myself. Kinda sad.....
Darn... I gave away what I was doing.
Yes, I am blogging right now. It is currently 3 in the morning and i'm blogging. The only things I did today were wake up, go to the bank, come home and eat, go to work, read a little, and lots of blogging. Like LOTS of blogging. Not on here because frankly i don't like talking about myself or anything. I did a lot of blogging on my tumblr.
I LOVE TUMBLR AND WILL GLADLY WASTE MY ENTIRE EXISTENCE ON IT.
Yes, this is the actual life of a teenage non-socialite.
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