Untitled

(It's untitled because i want it to be untitled (<--- i am lazy...) written 10/3/11

What shall I say today? Hmmm, I've decided not to post during the weekends because I always forget to. I'm on tumblr all the time and I guess I don't really think of doing these during the weekend. Sometimes I do write durin the weekend when something that makes me feel happen. I don't post those though. I never remember to post on the weekend. Well what happened this weekend. I found a new drama that is going to allow me to write new posts. It makes me feel so much, the drama. I'm glad it doesn't remind me of anything though. By that I mean someone. I'm like addicted to it. This weekend I watched like eleven hour long episodes. So I spent 11 hours of my life, weekend, watching this. Everything in it happened so fast. 9 episode of it happened over the Spanish of nine months. Then it skipped ahead three years. There are 55 episodes. What more could possibly happen. Although, the love interests didn't start falling in love after the baby. Yes, I do say baby. I guess this is enoug for now. I really don't know what else to write at this point. I don't really like typing things out unless I have to release some built up energy and feelings. If you look back, almost all my posts are because I come up with a subject and get super fired up about it. I don't like writing posts where I just write about my day or something (I know, I did those near the beginning, if you looked back far enough, but those were when I was a happier girl. A naive girl.......)

I'm just a shy person

I'm a person who is painfully shy. It's extreme. Extremely extreme. I feel like i have another person trapped inside of me. A person who's spontaneous and extremely outgoing, but she never comes out. The person i am on the outside is an outsider. A freak. gosh, this is so hard to write. It is so hard to write about myself because there are so many things i'm not, but want to be. You know that feeling? The feeling that i was supposed to me more than who i was? the feeling of being another person on the inside?

Well, i have two personalities. Possibly three. There is the person i am at school, the person i am with my friends, and the person i am in my mind. Today, i'll explain my school person. The person i am at school is the extremely shy person. The person i am at school is the quiet girl who never speaks. I'm not overly smart, although some would say that i am. I'm not confident. I walk through the halls with my head down. I'm the girl who never does anything daring. I'm the girl who doesn't want to embarrass herself. I'm the girl who rarely does anything besides read, sit quietly, and sometimes laugh and smile. I went through elementary like a regular elementary student, but that was before all the hormones. As an elementary student, i was still shy but i had an easier time talking because the kids were little and didn't care about much. I wasn't bullied or anything. I was just me. When i went to middle school, everything changed. Maybe it was because it was so different. Maybe it was just something that messed with my mind. Maybe it was supposed to happen how it did. Maybe, just maybe. I went through 6th grade not talking. I never talked in class. I just went from class to class. I rarely smiled. I fast walked through the hallways. I did everything i could to avoid people. I hated people touching me, even in the halls. I felt trapped. I didn't have any friends. My one friend from elementary was in the other core so i had no friends. I sat with people at lunch, but i never made conversation with them. I avoided people as much as possible. I got extremely nervous when the teacher called on me in class. I get extremely embarrassed and nervous whenever i bumped into someone or had an interaction with someone, even in group work. It was really really sad. I hated who i was. I hated who i was but i couldn't change it. I couldn't change it. I was so scared of change. I took my escape in books. I was a nerd, a geek.

Seventh grade wasn't much better. I actually cried. I cried in the cafeteria. I think at that moment, i vowed i would never show people my sad emotions. I sat there by myself, at a table, and cried to myself. I tried to hide it. I tried to hide it from the people who were sitting at the next table over, but i think they saw me. I hated it. I think i subconsciously vowed to myself that i would not let anyone know whenever i was sad. I would not let anyone know. I would keep it inside of me. I would keep it inside of me and never let it out.

Eighth grade was better. I gained more friends. I was less shy. I was still the geek and nerd. I would never be considered the popular person. I would never be considered the fun outgoing person. I was never loud enough to be voted anything. I was still the shy girl. I was still the person who rarely smiled in class. I was the person who blended in the background and didn't catch the attention of anyone. I was such a sad excuse for a person.

Ninth grade came. So did tenth. I was the same person as in eighth grade. There were those classes that i NEVER said anything in. I still had those classes. The classes where i did not have one friend in, i hated. I hated all the people. I've developed an interesting reaction to people. I hate being accidentally touched in the hallways. I scrunch my arms close to my body when i'm walking alone, hoping i won't bump into anyone. I'm still doing that. I'm still so worried. I'm still nervous. I'm still a person who is incredibly embarrassed whenever i accidentally run into someone. I'm also extremely embarrassed when i walk past a guy. I hate this about myself. I hate how submissive i am. I'm not assertive. I let everything slide. I do a lot of the work with groups. I am just a weak stupid person ok? I hate myself. I hate this physical shell of myself, hiding the person i really want to be. I regret so many things. You know those things that i mentioned in my other post? Yea, i regret so many things. It's way too late to change it now. I SUCK AS A PERSON.

Some people

*sigh* I'm really bad at updating..... oh well...... this was written SO long ago

Some people are manipulative. Yes, that's right. Some people don't deserve to live because they cause so much pain to others. Some people should think through what they're saying and what they do because some day, you never know who will be after you because you tortured them throughout their life. There are many people who fit into this category. There are some people that karma needs to beat with a freaking mallet. Some people deserve to much more than that. People who are manipulative, always doing things for the good of themselves are stupid. I know everyone is hypocritical, but there are some people who are just all hypocrite. Every. Single. Word. they said is the opposite of what they actually do. I know one of these people. We'll call her A. A is stupid. A knows she's stupid. A likes to argue. A needs to get an ass whooping because she's a bitch ok? A just needs to get whatever she deserves from Karma. A likes to yell at people. She likes to bitch about everything to everyone. She's manipulative and always gets her way. When someone else gets their way, she'll complain to NO end and force people to do things for her to make up for it. A starts arguments for absolutely no reason at all. She's stupid and complains about the littlest things. Apparently A has good hearing. FACT. She doesn't. She says one thing and then later, she'll say that she never said that. She makes the person she's talking to feel like a freaking loser. She's the person who isn't happy unless others are miserable. She's the person who would bully a person to commit suicide. (Personal experience, caused me to hurt myself and now i'm scarred).

I actually feel bad for A. She has NO true friends because her personallity sucks. Her mouth runs on and on and on and tells people, even her friends, when they do things she doesn't like. For example, her friend gives her hugs everyday. A tells her friend that she doesn't like her friend's hugs and tells her to stop or she won't hang out with her anymore. A is the freaking demon from hell ok? When she dies, she'll probably rule all the demons. You think i'm exaggerating about this A person? Well i'm not. I'm so not. I'm not being harsh, i'm being honest. I'm telling the truth about A because she bothers me SO much. I actually wouldn't care if A died. People say i will, that i'm being way too harsh, but I don't. I don't give a fuck if A dies. My life, my grandmother's life, my parents' lives would be so much easier without A being alive. What i really hate is when A yells at older people. So disrespectful. Talks back 24 hours, 7 days a week. Right now, writing this, she's yelling at a person. She's yelling at a person right this instant. How stupid is that. It's like her mind is on an endless loop of yelling at people. Some day, she'll meet a person that'll get their revenge. I hope she meets that person. I hope she gets mugged on the streets. I won't feel bad for her. I would laugh at the justice that A deserved.

And what else, A won't ever get married. She won't freaking find a man who will put up with her shit. Her manipulative shit. If she met a guy, and stayed with him, then she'd be being fake. She even knows. A even knows that she'll never find a man. She realizes that no one wants her. She tries to pass it off as her not wanting to get married because she's "scared". But whatever. I know she knows the truth. I know she knows she's not as pretty as anyone else. I hope she feels like that every single day of her adulthood. She made me feel like that every single day of my freaking childhood. She's the reason i hate people and confrontation. I've been her little boxing bag and i haven't said a thing to her about it. Maybe that's why i let people walk all over me? Is that possible? She leaves my life and i'll be happy. I'm going to egg and fork and do everything i possibly can to her freaking house when i grow up. I will do everything i possibly can to make her feel like the dumbest person in the world. A has admitted to me several times that she's not as smart as me, that I am WAY smarter than her. Yea, then she goes and turns that around and calls me stupid because of some little thing. She called me stupid today because I just woke up and went to the bathroom and waited for her to leave so i can pee. I was just standing there waiting and she freaking called me stupid because i was waiting. Yea, I'm an idiot for waiting until she leaves so i can pee.

As you can tell, I swear up a storm when talking about A. She's responsible for me swearing in my mind. I can't control what I type once i start typing. A is a dumb bitch. One day, karma will kick her ass and keep kicking it because she deserves EVERYTHING that's coming to her. I hope she gets it soon. I hope she fucking gets what she deserves soon.

memories

I hate the memories. All of them, especially the good. I can't accept that they are over. Right now, as I sit and write this my eyes are hot, like they're burning my eyelids. I hate remembering the memories. I do a pretty good job of blocking them out. Sometimes they just flood me. Sometimes they just overtake every single thought in my mind so that the only thing I can focus on is how much I miss him. Isn't that sad? Isn't it sad that while I think about him every single day, think about missing everythin we had, he's out there making new memories with some other girl. I guess it's ok to think about the memories. People say that it's ok to think about them. It isn't ok that I get so sad and depressed whenever I think about the memories. It isn't ok that these memories affect me so freaking much. It isn't ok. It isn't fair, but life isn't fair. I know that it isn't. I guess I just have to live with the pain of loving someone I can't have. Loving someone who does't love me hurts. It hurts like no pain that I have ever experienced before. I really hate the memories, but at the same time I love them. I love what they remind me of, all the great times that we had, all the conversations, they run through my head. I hate how they make me feel. They make me feel a longing, an ache in my heart. I just want to know what made him do it. Some day, when I'm ready, I'll write him a letter. A letter as random as an elephant on the moon. In that letter I'll tell him everything. I'm not writing this letter until I learn to move on from him and all the happiness he brought me. I'll write this letter when I'm good and ready. I'll write this letter and never send it. I'll write this letter and post it. I'll write this letter in remembrance of Jim. Maybe, one day, I'll be able to think of him and not feel the things I'm feeling now. One day, that will happen...... One day it will. That's all I can hope for right now, one day I will.......

Fake it until you make it

I have never gotten that phrase. I mean, people want you to be fake? If all people listened to this "advice" how could people tell the real people apart from the Barbies and Kens? Not everyone is perfect. A person should not be fake at all. Of course, that is easier said than done. I mean, people should not act fake at all just to "get further" in life. Really, those people aren't getting further in life at all. If a person lies and embellishes their resume (we all do it sometimes right?) and gets hired then that person may have gotten "further" but would they be happy? Wouldn't they be guilty that their job started off on lies? Would they be happy that they deceived their boss? Why would a person want to be fake? I happen to find that this happens a lot in high school.

I know with peer pressure and everything, people be fake to blend in with the crowd. Who wants to blend in? Why not be different? When people are mostly loud, why not be the quiet one? Why hid behind another image of yourself? That never gives the real you a chance to shine. It never lets people know who you really are. How can you expect to find the real friends that aren't fake also? Fake people don't have real friends. They have backstabbing, equally fake friends. Those aren't friends. They're more like enemies. Fake friends aren't really there for you when you need them. What is the point of being fake? What is the point of being fake especially in relationships and friendships? There is no point. I dare you. Come up with an extremely bullet hole, loop hole reason why someone would want to be a fake person? If people just stop judging, then maybe those fake people don't have to be fake anymore. Maybe they can just be their normal selves. I have to admit, sometimes i feel like a fake person, like i'm putting on an act. I feel like this during school. I'm such a quiet person. It's in my nature, but sometimes, i feel that i'm putting on that act. If you're my real friend, you would know sometimes i'm anything but quiet. I have such a loud personality that it scares people when i let it show. I don't know, it's just me. I'm just me. It's not my fault that i happen to be an extremely shy loud person. I'm just a walking contradiction. I've always been a walking contradiction. I may be loud, quiet, crazy, amazing, stupid, depressing, everything but some people still love me for me. My friends do. The people who truly know me accept me for who I am. *note, off topic ranting that i always put about some specific person* I guess you never did. Maybe you lied to yourself that you loved me for me. If you did, then where are you now? Where are you when i needed you the most? Where were you yesterday when i was crying my eyes out? You were there before through my family problems. I trusted you as a friend before you were my boyfriend. Where the heck is that now? Where the heck is our friendship? You can still be friends with one of your ex ( i was absolutely fine with it) and you can't be friend with me? WHY? Why can't you care and try? Am i the only one who thinks these things? Am i the only one who cared at all in our relationship to miss one of my best friends? What is wrong with you? Just because you have a new girlfriend you think you can forget about me? about a girl who trusted you? You must look like a nice guy to all your other friends who are girls, but from my point of view, you are a jerk. A jerk who i love, but still a jerk. An absolute jerk.

regrets

I have so many regrets in my life. SO MANY REGRETS. I've always wanted to try things. I've always wanted to be involved in things like cheer or POMs. I've always wanted to be the girly girl that gets to wear a cheer leading uniform. I've always wanted to do things like that but things hold me back. Mostly it's my parents. They demand so much out of me academically that i'm afraid if i take on something else, it'll ruin my academics. I want to do tennis so bad. I want to do tennis, but i don't because i think it'll take way too much time. I wanted to do band. I wanted to learn to play an instrument but i was so discouraged because my parents never encouraged me in any area besides academics (and even that was encouraged with threats). I'm also a quiet person. My parents never socialized me that much. They didn't even try and now they make fun of me and blame me for my shyness. Stupid. If i could turn back the time and fix one of my regrets, i would chose to fix the fact that i did not join poms. I love their performances. I want to be down there cheering with them. I want to be able to learn routines and such. I regret not joining so much. There will always be regrets in my life, always. But the things i regret the most at the moment is not taking high school opportunities. I wanted to do theater. I wanted to, but i was too shy to try out, too shy to do anything. I want to get rid of this shyness. I want to be able to talk to people like a normal person, a normal person who flirts with guys and does everything a girl does. I don't want to be this social reject who's a freaking nerd. I want to re create myself when i go to college. I hope i can change my ways and grow to be a better person.

September 23rd

and you know it. you know it damn well. why would you leave me? you know I didnt give a shit about them, you are my world and still are you fucking asshole. ARE YOU BLIND? why do you have to make me feel like shit and not look at me everytime I pass by you. why you gotta act like I dont even exist. did I mean that little to you? am I that easy to forget? …i love you. I cant fucking handle this.

(above) from a tumblr post that someone posted but expressed how i felt)

(and did you have to find another girl in a month. A FREAKING MONTH. Was i worth so little to you that you forgot me that quickly? You said you loved me. Obviously you lied. It only took you a month to meet another girl, talk to her, as her out. How is that even possible? Why did you freaking tell me the truth? Why didn't you freaking give me a better reason than "i'm tired of being in a relationship". Took you a month, probably less to get over that? And why did you get over it to be with another girl? You said you weren't tired of me, you were tired of the relationship. YOU LIED to me. How could you have loved me? How could this have happened when i saw you cry. You saw me cry. We shared everything. What is wrong with me that made you stop? Or did you even love me at all? Did you even care for me? Was it all a lie? Were you really cheating on me?? Why would you freaking leave me wondering? You aren't worth anything. You aren't worth anything and yet i still love you. My heart can't understand your lies. It just understands my feelings. My feelings for you were real. They were real and you threw them away. You threw them away to be with some other girl. Some other girl who is new and exciting. I hope you get tired of her too. Better yet, i hope that she gets freaking tired of you and hurts you like you hurt me so you would understand better. Understand what you made me feel. But i don't really wish that. Why would i wish my pain on someone that i love? Because i want you to feel what you are doing to me. Today would have been our 17th monthaversary. We lasted over 15 months. Over 15 months of me loving you and you blew it all away in a month. You freaking jerk. But i still love you....)

parenting?

What is up with dumb people who expect so much from their children? What is up with stupid, ignorant people who are saying hypocritical things every single freaking day? What is up with parents yelling at their kids so much that they cry? I read an article that said a girl started fires to try and kill her family. I totally understand that. Some people might be appealed, but with the freaking pressure that parents give their kids these days, it's so freaking understandable, at least to me. Ignorant parents who expect their children to do well are so stupid. So stupid. This pressure is what causes some teens to hurt themselves, to get away from the pressure. Those parents that expect so much, that force their kids into doing things are the parents that know NOTHING about their child. Knows nothing about what their child likes or interests. These parents raise kids that hate them, that want to kill their parents for all the stress that is thrust against them. Teens aren't strong. They break down. Stupid and ignorant parents don't understand that. They think their kids owe them something for raising them. They threaten to throw their children on the streets. Yea, try that. It's called child abuse and abandonment. Try it one day and the police will arrest them. Parents who uses threats such as violence or kicking them out should obviously not be a freaking parent. WHAT KIND OF DUMB PARENTS threaten their kids? People who should die, that's who. People who abuse their children should die a horrible death. Do they know that their abuse and pressure cause their children harm. These stupid and ignorant parents could be raising a serial killer. A baby is not a serial killer by fate ok? It's the dumb parents that make them that way. It's the parents that don't understand anything. That don't understand anything about their child. I freaking hate my parents. They have their good moments, but the bad always are horrible. The bad outweigh their good moments. They're bad parents. Maybe someday i'll be a serial killer. You never know. They're dumb and ignorant and expect way to much from me. I'm not their good little girl who will do every single thing they want. If they want that child, they should have bought a robot. I will go out when i want. They can't keep me in my room forever. Find, kick me out. I'll go straight to the police and tell them all the things, all the emotional abuse that my parents put me through. Things that probably damaged my mind. It's all their fault. All their fault i would rather run away than live with them sometimes. The only reason i'm still here is because of my future. I will go to college. Move away and never see their faces again. I will not allow my children to see their grandmother because she ruined my life. Ruined my life. I don't give a crap that she raised me. How did she raise me? She didn't freaking raise me. My grandmother did. Once my grandmother dies, i'll be devastated. My grandmother is a way better mother than my mom. I learned this behavior from her. She should know that. She's a freaking rude ass person to my grandmother. I can't take it. I can't see her treating my grandmother like how she does. I don't even consider her my mother most of the time. She's a horrible parent. My father is ok, he's just never there. He does what my mom wants him to do. Mom is a hypocrite. A hypocrite who is dumb and ignorant.



Strict parents raise rebellious children.

Work

I'm beginning to regret taking on a job. I like work and all, but my scheduling is so irregular. I don't know what to do. I want to do tennis, but someone told me that practice was everyday afterschool. I also have to work Saturday. That's like a prime time! I don't want to work when it's super busy.... I'm so scared to actually work during a busy day. I can barely handle a semi busy day. Oh, plus another thing with tennis. If I do it, games are Tuesdays and Thursdays. Sometimes I work Thursdays.... Sometimes i work Tuesday's.... Well I only worked one Tuesday and it was pretty slow... But I'm scared to say I can't work because I'm going to be doing tennis. I don't like confrontation. I'm scared if the manager and boss. I think I'm working with the boss today (Thursday) and I'm so freaking scared that I'll get fired! So freaking scared!!! Ugh! Hate this. So much stress. But I can't quit after working for like 5 days...

Girls are simple..........

Sometimes. I have to agree with some people. Girls are complicated. GIRLS ARE SO COMPLICATED. but sometimes, girls are simple. Most girls just want to feel loved. That includes a lot of different things, but still. Not a lot of girls are hard to figure out. Just love her and don't hang out with other girls. Be romantic and make her feel special. That's basically it all summed up. If the girl isn't happy, the guy isn't going to be very happy either (Ain't that right sista? <---- failed gangsta attempt). Personally, I'm a lot more complicated than regular girls. That's my personal opinion. I'm pretty sure that my mind is like messed up. I can be bipolar sometimes. I'm also very childish, but i guess that can be cute sometimes? Yeah, or really annoying.

Well, with my personality, when i find someone who wants to be with me despite everything that i am (Crazy, hyper, sad, very depressed, happy, emotional, screamy, bitchy sometimes, blahy, everything) then i guess it'll be good (thought i had that, but guess not...) Someday, I'll learn to love again. I'll find someone else who will love every single part of me. Every single detail of my existence. Maybe i'm just not ready to find him yet. I mean, i'm still an extremely shy person. I don't interact with guys very much. I guess i need to learn how to break out of my shell and experience life. I experienced life with someone. Someone i miss dearly. Someone i miss, but doesn't miss me. Now that's not fair is it? But life isn't fair. It's pretty darn hard ok? Nothing is going to come all wrapped up in pretty pink wrapping paper with a pretty purple bow on top. You have to survive through it all. Maybe i'm meant to survive through this.... or maybe i'm meant to go running back to him at the first sign of when he wants me. I don't know. I don't know what to do. That's why girls are complicated. It's because they think WAY too much. maybe i should just let my heart guide me.... But right now, my heart is guiding me to him. I guess i'll just hold back. Hold back until he's ready to be mine. If it really isn't meant to be, he won't come back. He won't come back ever and maybe then i'll be ready to move on.... This reminds me of something. Something i said to him a while ago. Something i repeated. Right now, this sounds so stupid. This statement that i said, it makes me pathetic. In my heart, it's perfectly reasonable. I'm sure some people will shout at me when i post this post. This post or a future post about him. About missing him so much it hurts. Man, this post was not supposed to be related to him. This post wasn't supposed to make me cry. This post was supposed to be girls being complicated and simple all in one. WHY CAN'T I STAY ON TOPIC? (i guess that's another part of who i am). Well, i'm leaving now. I might post two posts some days because i write way too much just for one day. Like yesterday, i wrote two. Oh well, maybe i'll keep them in case i can't write one of the days. *sigh* so much frustration.

plans?

I'm not the type of person to make any plans about my future. For example, the only thing I know I want to do after high school is go to college. I don't have any idea what major I'll study or anything after that. It's pretty sad actually. I am so indecisive that it isn't even funny. It's actually quite annoying and can annoy my friends. I just hate making decisions in case I decided wrong or something. I'm always afraid of failing (shall be another post?). My future scares me. Especially now. Before, for the past year, I had a plan. A plan for my future after college. It was the one thing I thought would last (how many times can I talk about this subject? I'm sure I'm saying the same things over and over again but there isn't anything else that propells me to write. I only write when I have emotions. Well I'm chalked full of emotions right now. Bt anyway. For the past year I had plans. Even partial plans for college, relationship wise. I had plans to spend my life with someone I loved (and still do). I had plans, but now they are so very obsolete. I had plans with my friends, but it doesn't look like those will come true. Even with the plans that I had with my friends, I was skeptical. With him, it wasn't like that. I wasn't skeptical at all. It was so much fun to plan out our lives. How many children we'd have, how many pets, where we'll possibly live. It was so much fun! But now where are my plans? They're gone. Even if I find someone else, the plans won't be the same because the guy isn't the same. I know things don't always go out as planned, but I was so certain. So certain that we would end up together, that we would get through anything and everything. I guess he didn't feel the same way. Whatever the reason was that propelled me to hurt him (I will never know?$ must have been a good one (or a selfish, jerky one <---- hoping it was that so I can get over him easier). *sigh* <---- that wad a literal sigh. I just did it. I want some certainty in my life again. I want someone new. I want another guy, but how can I open myself to another guy if my heart doesn't want to? My heart doesn't want to trust, it doesn't want to love and be hurt again.

11:11

To people who know me. Should not read this. It's a total backwards step, like the whole backwards direction here. But i did not write this today, it was like a week ago maybe.... DISREGARD GOSH!

It's 11:11 (when i wrote this) and I wish for the same thing over and over again. It hurts to know he doesn't think about me at all. It hurts that he's happy with another girl after nit even a month after our break up. It freaking hurts like hell. When will I feel ok?? When will I learn to trust again? Why do these questions not have answers? It just hurts so much. I find relied in school... In school for crying out loud. When will someone ever say that school is good? Now. When I'm at school, it still hurts. It hurts but there are people there. I won't cry in front of people. I refuse to. School gives me an excuse to be strong. But once I'm on the bus, typing on my iPod, the tears come so close to flowing, even with people around, they come SO close to flowing. Then I get off the bus. I get off and I want to sit there and break down. But I can't. The tears stay put. I make them stay put until I'm safely in my room. When will this stop? When will I learn to hate him instead of loving him? When will all this ever happen? Will it even happen at all?? Maybe I'm hoping for a miracle that will never come. I can't say I hate him without meaning 'I still love you but you're hurting me'. My love for him will never turn to hate right? I just hate it. I hate how I'm laying here thinking about him every single night and he doesn't even care. He doesn't even realize that he's hurting me on such a big level. He doesn't feel guilty. He probably goes to sleep with a smile on his face because of his new girl. I go to sleep with tears in my eyes. Why is this so unfair? So unfair to me! I won't ever be the same thanks to him. I feel so pathetic. So evil. So sad. So.... Everything but happy (or any word related to happy). You know? He broke my heart into millions of pieces. Millions of pieces. That's not even all. Every single day, he breaks it more, into even smaller pieces. Will my heart ever heal?

Players

Yes, now i'm talking about players. Not the athletic kind of players, (although i may delve into the subject of football players) but the kind of players who play with a girl's heart. I vowed never to fall for a football player. I can't stand how they act and behave. Plus, i'm a really shy person, i wouldn't fit in with his crowd. Thank goodness i did not fall for a football player (although i can't say the same about my friend *shudder* what a mistake that was!). Too bad it was a tennis player that got me. That stole my heart, probably played with it, fed it lies that it believed, and smashed it into a million pieces. Anyway, players really bother me. Those guys (a girl player is a slut right?) that has a girlfriend, and yet they go around hugging other girls. They go around talking to other girls behind the girlfriend's back. I'm not saying that if a guy has a girlfriend, they don't get to have any other girl friends. I'm saying that if the guy is interacting with different girls, he should at least tell his girlfriend. I knew that my ex had a bunch of girls as his friends. I was fine with that, i totally was. But he should tell me if some girl (from like 5th grade) all of the sudden contacts him. That's something i should have known. If he told me, we could have avoided one fight.

An example? Ok, so in my class last year, there was a guy who had a girlfriend. A girlfriend that he liked a lot (i'm not going to say loved because i, personally, don't think that players can truly love a girl (Probably true for my ex) to the extent that she should be loved) and every single day, he would walk into class and hug 3 different girls. It's also obvious that he likes this other girl, who sits near him (I have to watch their freaking interactions (since i was like in the middle) and it was so sickening). Like really, he talks to her everyday. He asks why she doesn't answer the phone when he called her. It made me feel bad for the girlfriend. I hope she knew about this other girl.

Maybe it's just my opinion on people. It's sort of a stereotype for football players. But it's like the freaking truth. They're mostly jerks. BIG FAT JERKS. They're mostly players too. Seriously, major players. Like my friend dated a football player. He was a complete jerk, especially at the end. It was probably the worst mistake ever made. But now she's happy. I'm so glad that her new (ish since it's almost been a year for them) is so much better than the football player. ERG, football players (and players in general) annoy me so much. I know there are a few exceptions. Players can love too, but i'm talking in general here. Guys are jerks, i'm just going to put it as that.

AHHHH!!!!! I'm getting behind! I wasn't able to write any new posts today or yesterday! Need to get crackin on that.....

Side note

My blog posts are not posted the day i write them. So all of them are messed up. The one i just posted was about two days ago. The only one that is right is the first one, the one with the song lyrics.

I shouldn't care

I shouldn't care. I just shouldn't, but i do. I'm so hurt. I'm a horrible person for hoping that you don't last. I'm a horrible person for hoping, just hoping that you would take me back. I know i shouldn't think like this. Especially since everyone is saying he is a douche and doesn't deserve me. Other people say that, but i don't think that. Not right now. Not while i'm sitting here, trying to get my feelings into words while you're out gallivanting with another girl. I hope she makes you happy. I hope she doesn't. I want you to be happy, just happy with me. I hate this feeling. This feeling that I was not good enough for him. For that one guy who was a jerk to me. I'm just an insecure person. I wish i had the strength to not feel like this. My friends are so supportive. They actually think i have the strength to get through this. Why can't i have the same faith in me as my friends? Right now, i'm so weak. I cry so much because every single time i think about him, it hurts. It brings tears to my eyes. It just freaking sucks. But these blogs do help. It gives me a person to talk to. Especially since i don't have a lot of followers, and i know they don't read my posts. This is basically like a non-judgmental friend that is here for me to spill everything to. It's like a private diary. Plus, it's pretty anonymous for me. No one knows who the person behind NINJA INC. is. The only way to know is if they know me personally and know who mentions ninja inc a lot. It's like i'm revealing things to myself. Writing these posts give me a chance to release what i hold inside so that i don't explode in a rampage.

The thing is, I still care about him so much. I highly doubt there will be a day when i stop caring about him. He wasn't just a boyfriend. He was my best friend. Someone who knew almost everything about me (I am not going to reveal my habits, they are just really weird). But, at the time, he was my best friend. I was close to some of my other best friends, but i was the closest with him. One day he just took away that friendship. We went from talking every single day, every. single. day. and now we don't. I'm so pathetic (i'll just explain that on its own, it would take way to long for me to explain that in this post). I also want to explain "what ifs" (in another post). Ugh, i'm probably just depressed. I need another guy in my life. Another guy who will treat me right. But at the same time, i don't want any other guy besides him. He's different (yet another explanation in another post, i hope). He's always been different for me. I just don't want to lose him. I know that when he goes to college next year, i will lose him. I will lose him to those girls who are willing to do anything. It'll just break my heart all over again because i'm waiting for something that will never come. I'm waiting endlessly. I probably won't get over him in the next month. I'm probably NEVER going to be over him. He was my first relationship, my first love, my very first and it was so so special. I'll never stop caring for him. Maybe (hopefully) i will stop caring about him as a boyfriend, but i will never stop caring for him as a friend. It just seems that he stopped caring for me. He moved on. He's happy (I hope). It's just me. It's just me who is sitting here all depressed, talking to myself through my blog. It's so pathetic. I'm so pathetic. I even try to have fun, but it doesn't work. Everything reminds me of him. Am i just supposed to get rid of everything? I can't do that now can i? UGH! I'm so frustrated with myself. Why can't i move on? Why can't i be a different person?

Guys are princes...... PUH LEASE

Chivalry is not dead. I don't understand where all the princes are. You know? Those guys who actually care for a girl and treat her like a princess? Where are those guys who want more than just sex? Where are those guys who want to spend every single day with a girl because he loves her? WHERE ARE THEY?! Why are guys just players and manipulators? Why are guys liars? I don't mean for this to offend the male species, but this is just my experience with guys. I have not had the best experiences ok? I'm entitled to a lot of hate. I'm entitled to express my opinions. AND WHAT THE F*CK IS UP WITH GUYS WHO USE SHITTY EXCUSES TO BREAK UP WITH GIRLS? (please excuse my language. I hate to cuss. I only do it when i'm super mad or fired up about the subject). Ok guys, because you are tired of being in a relationship or sick of being tied down is not a good excuse. Look it up in Urbandictionary.com. It even says right there. If you type in tied down, it will say, and i copied and pasted. Look at the bottom for the direct quote. But anyway, back to what i was saying. If a guy says this then are a freaking jerk, ok? This is ESPECIALLY true if, at any time in the relationship, they told you they loved you. If he fucking loved is girlfriend, why would he be tired of her? That's horrible logic. The least a guy could do it to treat a girl right. She deserves to know the truth behind a break up. She deserves to know. Guys who say that are just looking for a really shitty excuse. They're being chicken, looking for any excuse. He'll be hurting the girl anyway, why not just tell her the freaking truth huh? Yeah, emphasizes the fact that guys who say that are freaking jerky chickens.

Guys are just stupid. I still mean to not offend. I just feel like that. I've felt like that my whole life. There was one exception, at least i though he was a fucking exception, until he did that. Saying that stupid phrase that left me guessing. When guys do that, all it's doing is hurting a girl's self confidence. She sits there an breaks herself down, analyzing herself to see what was wrong with HER. The girl doesn't deserve that. Especially when it was HIS freaking mistake of letting her go without an explaination. Someday, you'll love me but i will be over you. I hope that's true. I hope i break his heart. I hope i shatter it completely so that he'll know what a mistake he made. I just want him to go through the pain he put me through, the pain that i'm still going through. My brain and my heart are at war because of him. THEY ARE AT WAR and i can't do anything about it. People say that the heart can't feel pain, that heartbreak is all in the mind. If that's so true then why does my chest hurt every. single. time. i think about him? Why does it hurt so much i can barely breathe? why does it cause me to write these rampages almost every single day to try and release the pain? If heartbreak is only in the mind, then please explain that to me.

Back to the point though. It's not chivalry that is dead, because it still exists. It's the race of princes that are slowly becoming extinct. The guys who are completely devoted. Most guys aren't. Most guys are lying, cheating, heart breaking players. There will always be those exceptions. Those guys who are lucky enough to have found their soul mates. Found their soul mates who love them back. But what about those people who can't. Those girls (and guys) who can't trust. Who has had way too crappy of a life? Who let one guy (or girl) ruin any chance of happiness because she gave her whole heart out to some guy who chose to shatter it. Shatter it to a million little pieces. Who will put the pieces back together again. A million pieces. My heart won't be whole again (and if some miracle happened and my heart healed, would it be complete?). All thanks to a guy. One guy, who i still love.

a bullshit reason to dump someone "I'm leaving you because I don't want to be tied down."

I don't know anymore

I don't think I can move on from him unless I know the truth. I need to know the truth between our break up if I'm going to truly move on. Most of my thoughts of him revolve around asking myself what was wrong with me? Why did he stop loving my? I just want to know. If he truly broke up with me because he stopped loving me then he should have just said it. I have false hope every single freaking day. If he really did not love me at all throughout our whole relationship then that would probably make me cry. But it would probably make me move on faster. If I know the reason it'll make me have focused thinking. It could seriously help me get over him. That's what I think. What do you think? What is my problem? Why is this so freaking hard? Oh, I know already. I know why it is so hard. So freaking hard to give up on something, someone I absolutely loved with my WHOLE heart. That vent will be another post. Maybe I'll feel better after a venting post. I don't know. There is just a lot on my mind right now.

I'll put another one up, since this one was pretty short..... the other one will be quite long.....

future blog ideas?

*Note, this was actually the first out of the new blog posts that i've been doing every day, i just didn't want to post this first*


I dream too much. Believe the things I read. They don't happen. Most guys are not even close to being a prince(more in another post if I remember). All they do is make you cry and break your heart. Isn't that right? There are only those few exceptions who find their soulmate, but even so they break their girl's heart at least once(shall I elaborate in a future post?). Players are the worst (more in another post?). They make a girl fall in love and then they toy with her and end up breaking her heart. I wish I could say i've never loved. I wish I could say I never gave away my heart, that it is still whole and not broken into TINY pieces. I wish I could say I'll be fine. I wish for a lot of things don't I? But the one thing I really want, the one thing I wish for at 11:11, I can't have.... And that hurts all the more. I am not one to be optimistic, but I do have a side that is fun and happy and has a good outlook on life. That me is burried in a hole for now. Until I stop wishing for that one person. That one person I gave my heart to. The one person I told everything to. The one person who took my love, my heart, my soul, and shattered it.

I want to travel the world

I want to travel the world. If you think about it, the world is a lot smaller compared to the whole universe. To us humans, the world is a HUGE place. It is to me. I want to travel the world and get to know the planet I live on. I've always dreamed of living in a different country instead of America. If I had to chose, I would have loved to be born in hong kong. I speak Cantonese and I think it's a beautiful language. I would love to be more fluent. That's why o want to travel. So I can us my skills and learn new things. I want to experience life to the fullest. I don't want to have regrets of place I wish I could have gone to. I would love to visit china. I wish I could see china during the feudal era. There are probably historical sites, but do they have the people dressed up? I would have LOVED to be born during china's feudal era. And be like a martial arts fighter person. You know? Like in the shows with the people fighting? The girls look amazing with their clothes. I also want to visit Vietnam and see the places that my parents and grandparents went to when they were young. I want to go to Spain and a bunch of latino countries. There must be a reason to use Spanish outside of school. I mean I didn't go all the way to ap Spanish just to forget it all. I want to go to Korea. With all the dramas I watch, that one is obvious. I can even say a few things in Korean. I basically want to go everywhere. Hopefully I'll have a travel buddy. I had one. He broke my heart so.... Not going to work. But I'll meet someone who wants to travel as much as me..... Although I need to make lots of money so that I can actually afford to go to these places and do things in them. Oh well, that's a problem for future me.

Heart to Heart

Why can't two people to care about each other just talk it out? Why can't they reason with each other? Reveal their feelings to one another? Is it because one doesn't care for the other anymore? (probably in my case) is it because they've tried many time but nothing changes? What is wrong with guys and confrontation? Why don't they like feelings. They're there and talking when a girl flirts, but once the tears flow they shut up and run away. Is there any guy who understands how hard it is to be a girl. We analyze anything and everything. Me especially. I analyze everything, maybe because of my brain. I can't accept things for how they are. I especially don't trust people. Maybe that's why things don't work out. Am I meant to be alone because my brain is wired differently? Do I scare away guys with my split personality? When a girl feels bad, it's the guy's job to be there and make sure that she feels better (if you are in a relationship of course). It's not a guy's job to ignore her and basically run away from her. It is especially sad if the girl loved the guy. Loved him so much. But it turns out that he couldn't handle her. Couldn't handle how special each girl is. Ran away from it all. But maybe sometimes it's the girl's fault for thinking too much. Her fault for thinking what they had was true while he thought it was lies. or even better! He was lying from the beginning (sarcasm there if you didn't get it). How can someone, after s long term relationship, just ignore the girl and the leaves without an explanation?? (believe me, because a guy is tired of being single is not a valid excuse. It freaking sucks) is that a guy's way of saying you never meant anything to me in the first place?? You know what? Guys just suck. There are those few exceptions, but how can a girl with a broken heart ever trust another guy again? How can she when she already has trust issues? How can she when she trusted ONE guy, just one guy with things she didn't tell her friends and he goes and breaks her heart? How can she ever trust again????????

I wrote a poem

I used to be a poetry freak... ish? I went through a phase where i wrote a BUNCH of poems. I have them on my flash drive. A lot of them are so stupid, but some are really meaningful (At least to me). They reflect my life. This poem sucks........ Like really sucks.... I'm sorry for this poem. But i'll post it anyway.

Every girl wants to feel special
Every girl wants to feel loved
But how can that happen?
guys who are stupid,
Guys who play games,
Guys who cheat and lie
How can a girl find her one true prince?
When most guys refuse to think.
Every girl wants to feel special.
Every girl wants to be loved.
How, i ask HOW can that happen?

*No offense to those guys who don't cheat, lie, play games, break hearts. I'm sure you are all very nice. But my experience with guys haven't been perfect. These are my views*

*I'm done with my old ending. It's just going to end abruptly*

Bus Rides

What I don't understand is why people hate them. I happen to think that they could be very productive and inspiring. Sometimes they are pretty quiet and nice. I listen to my music. I personally thinks that this allows me to reflect only music and it's lyrics while I sit there and stare out the window. It's so soothing. Lately, bus ride have been pretty sad. I reflect on my life on bustiers and lately I've been thinking of something that has totally effected my life in every way possible. Sometime it makes me want to cry, in public, on a bus. If you know me, you would know I don't express my emotions freely. I mostly keep them inside. Writing this makes me sort of teary (may be a little weird for the guy sitting in front of me) but back to the point. Sitting on the bus and typing out my problems is sort of like therapy for me. It makes me realize that there is ALOT more to something than I first thought. Especially the subject that sorta makes me want to start to cry. I wish I had more time to write these.... But I don't. Most of the time I'm in school is spent listening to the teacher. I can't exactly take out my IPod and start typing on it while I'm sitting in front of the teacher. During my off hours I I do homework so I have less for when i get home. (I'll take about homework in another post). I'm using evermore on my iPod to do this, so there might be a few mistakes. Back to the point here. I can't say that I absolutely love bus rides, but they ate quite enjoyable, especially when you have a single seat to yourself.

Don't hate me..... LOVE ME, or you know, not

My mornings?

I hate mornings. They are especially horrible when I have school. I have weird eating habits. Sometimes, I feel like puking because I can't like eat. You know that feeling when you eat something, but then you get down to the last few bites and you're sorta sick of the food but you force yourself to eat it and feel like throwing up? That's how I feel in the mornings. Like right now (when I wrote this. Not actual height now) I made myself a turkey sandwich for breakfast. I only took one bite but I already feel.... Like I'm a little sick of it. It's really weird. The thing is, i have to eat breakfast. If I don't, my somach will make super loud gurgling noises at school. I also eat something (maybe 1/2 a granola bar size) so that my tummy doesn't run on empty. It is quite a lot of food (I sound like a piggy!!). Maybe it's soo early in the morning for me to eat. It's only 6:16 am at the moment. But it's necessary so my tummy does not growl. My snacking is also VERY important. Like once, last school year, we were taking a standardized test. I ate breakfast. But I didn't get to eat my lunch until like twelve (I usually eatat ten). And throughout the test, in the silent room, my stomach was gurgling and howling super loudly. It sucked because I couldn't feed it anything but water.... Well, yea. Now you see why I hate mornings.

These will now be my blog posts. I write things when i have time, like from school and such. I like writing and venting everything out. I use evernote and it's super easy to just sit there and type to my heart's content. They may be from the same day, but i don't like posting a whole bunch at the same time. I like these short little blurbs to you people :)

Don't hate me.... LOVE ME! :D

Wish you were here- Avril Lavigne

I can be tough
I can be strong
But with you, It's not like that at all
Theres a girl who gives a shit
Behind this wall
You just walk through it

[refrain]
And I remember all those crazy thing you said
You left them running through my head
You're always there, you're everywhere
But right now I wish you were here
All those crazy things we did
Didn't think about it just went with it
You're always there, you're everywhere
But right now I wish you were here

[chorus]
Damn, Damn, Damn,
What I'd do to have you
Here, Here, Here
I wish you were here (X2)

I love the way you are
It's who I am don't have to try hard
We always say, Say like it is
And the truth is that I really miss
All those crazy thing you said
You left them running through my head
You're always there, you're everywhere
But right now I wish you were here
All those crazy things we did
Didn't think about it just went with it
You're always there, you're everywhere
But right now I wish you were here

[chorus]
Damn, Damn, Damn,
What I'd do to have you
Here, Here, Here
I wish you were here (X2)


This song has been on repeat. I discovered it two days ago and it's already risen through my itunes to be in the top 5 most played songs. I love this song. It reminds me of so much. So so much. In the last two days, this song has really changed its meaning to me.

Don't hate me.... LOVE ME

Car Insurance people....

Today, i was quite annoyed by the people that work for car insurances... (So very sorry for being gone for such an extended amount of time, but i have been enjoying my summer, not really, and doing a TON of AP homework, again not really. I just didn't feel like updating anything on my blogs. I've been doing youtube... and luuux(dot)com. I really hope that these things continue. Like you know how you get into something? and then it's good for a while but then you get lazy and don't keep going?........ like this blog....... but never mind, that's something for another blog post)

As for car insurance people.... if you come from an Asian family, or a family where you speak English better than your parents.... you'd sort of? know what i'm talking about. I get stuck doing stuff for my parents that involve speaking to people (making appointments, asking questions, being an overall translator) and I had to call the insurance company to get a good glass replacement shop to fix my mom's windshield (Hail damage....) and i liked the lady (representative- i just call her a lady) that i was talking to. JUST WHEN SHE WAS ABOUT TO GIVE ME THE INFORMATION FOR THE GLASS PLACE she hung up............ so i called back and it was a different lady. I kinda wished i accepted and did the survey at the end. THIS LADY SUCKED! She did give me a glass place to get it fixed.... but she NEVER asked me if it was a company that came to my house to fix it. (I told the other lady i didn't want that. I wanted to go to the place and wait for it.... i thought she put that information down). Then the second lady connected me to the glass place and HUNG UP! and that's when i found out the people came to our house to fix it.... DID NOT WANT THAT!

THEN today, the glass person came.... Turns out the second lady i talked to FILED A TOTALLY DIFFERENT CLAIM FOR ME even though the glass damage was already recorded on a pre-existing claim..... I EVEN GAVE HER THE FREAKING CLAIM NUMBER! Ugh, so annoyed. I called back and the new lady that talked to me was AMAZINGLY helpful. Thank you Regina Smith for being the best representative that i have ever talked to!


Don't hate me...... EVOL ME!!! ;) (inside joke) <--- personally i think that ruins an inside joke

Kiss

Rules
1. Put your music library on shuffle.
2. For each question, press the next button to get your answer.
3. You must write that song title as the answer to the question, no matter how silly it sounds! Most of the time they seem to work though, strangely enough.
4. Ok, go!
5. TRY NOT TO CHEAT!!!

(for me, this one is the Korean Version)
1) IF SOMEONE SAYS "IS THIS OK?" YOU SAY?
Hoot (SNSD)
2) HOW WOULD YOU BEST DESCRIBE YOUR PERSONALITY?
Bababa (4minute)
3) WHAT DO YOU LIKE IN A GUY/GIRL?
Going Crazy (Kan Mi Youn)
4) HOW DO YOU FEEL TODAY?
Marshmallow (IU)
5) WHAT IS YOUR LIFE'S PURPOSE?
BONAMANA (Super Junior)
6) WHAT IS YOUR MOTTO?
In The Club (2NE1)
7) WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR PARENTS?
Br. Feel Good (Rania)
8) WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT VERY OFTEN?
Before the Dawn (Infinite)
9) WHAT IS 2+2?
Let Me Hear Your Voice (Big Bang)
10) WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR BEST FRIEND(S)?
Take Care (whee Sung)
11) WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
Stay (Big Bang)
12) WHAT IS YOUR LIFE STORY?
Easy (BoA)
13) WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GROW UP?
Love Like This (SS501)
14) WHAT DO YOU THINK WHEN YOU SEE THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
What Can I Do? (Seungri)
15) WHAT DO YOUR PARENTS THINK OF YOU?
Bad Girl Good Girl (Miss A) <--- HAHAHAHA
16) WHAT WILL YOU DANCE TO AT YOUR WEDDING?
VVIP (Seungri)
17) WHAT WILL THEY PLAY AT YOUR FUNERAL?
Hit Your Heart (4minute)
18) WHAT IS YOUR HOBBY/INTEREST?
Oh! (SNSD)
19) WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST SECRET?
Rain Drop (IU)
20) WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR FRIEND
Money can't buy me love (Black List)
21)WHAT WILL YOU POST THIS AS?
Kiss (Dara Park)

Interesting answers.... I WANTED MORE INTERESTING ANSWERS THOUGH!!!!

Don't hate me.... LOVE ME! :)

Love Song- Big Bang

Again, i am sorry that i have left for so long. It's sad actually. I've been busy (not) and haven't had the chance to write anything (again.. not, just didn't feel like bloggin). Now onto what this is really about!!!!!!

BIG BANG IS BACK!!!! WITH A BANG! (excuse my pun,i just had to do it!) So out of their songs, i would have to say that Love song is my favorite!!! I probably listened to it over 30 times in one day. I listened to it before i went to bed and i just had to get up and dance around my room in the dark! (don't ask... i know i'm weird) IT IS COMPLETELY AMAZING! (I hate this love song, I hate this love song, I hate this love song!)

And the MUSIC VIDEO was A-M-A-Z-I-N-G!!!!!! Completely amazing! Big Bang was so busy with other things, and they were still able to make one whole music video! Granted, it was pretty low budget (nothing like Tonight, which was shot in VEGAS BABY!) but it was so amazing none the less. It was also a one shot thing. I can't believe they did it all in one shot! That's how professional and beastly they are! Completely amazing! (apparently i cannot spell completely right...) so so amazing!!! IT's probably my favorite song right now! (i know a bunch of songs) either that, Black and White by G.NA, or I'll back off so you can live better by G.NA. K pop is amazing! So much better than the American stuff. K pop has amazingly hot guys (BIG BANG!) with amazingly unique voices (G-dragon's voice is so unique... so is T.O.P's)

I think i'll do a tag thingy... On Korean music only... so look for that! It should be up soon.

Don't hate me... LOVE ME!! (even though i haven't posted in an EXTREMELY LONG time

Beauty of crying

I guess i'm still on the subject of beauty. There is beauty in crying, there is. Many people think that there is no beauty in crying, that it isn't possible. I find it possible. I find it very beautiful. In the early stages i mean. When a person slowly closes their eyes after holding everything in. When that one single tear slips out. When it travels down the face and another tear follows.

Doesn't that sound wonderful?? I think it does. It's so beautiful. When a person cries silent tears. When a person has their eyes closed and justs sits there letting tear after tear fall out. Maybe it's just beautiful to me because i'm weird. oh well, that's me.

Don't hate me.... LOVE me!

Every girl is beautiful

This statement would be true. I do believe that it is. To someone in the world, you (assuming you are a girl) are beautiful. I was sitting and writing my log on mascara (don't even get me started on logs and my horrible teacher...) and i came across a thought. It as a sorry attempt at creating a beautiful quote... but here it is. "every girl has a beautiful quality, even if you have to look hard to find it"

Yea, i know it's a horrible attempt at a quote. What i meant my this was that every single girl in the world has something amazingly beautiful about them. The physical trait might not reveal itself at first glance, but it's there if you actually look. I was thinking about people, a girl in particular, who wasn't very attractive. The more i thought about it, the more beauty that i saw.

I don't know why there are standards to beauty (magazines, models, television). Everything and everyone is beautiful in his or her own way. It just takes a special person to find the beauty in something. What i mean by this is that vain people probably will only ever see the beauty in themselves. They won't see the beauty in the people that they THINK are "uglier" than them.

Take me for example. It takes me a while to notice beauty. Like with people at my school, the more i see a person and look at them, i realize that they have a lot of beautiful things about them. One time in 8th grade, i sort of had an epiphany with a girl. I mean she was popular, but i didn't actually see her true beauty until one day in class. I was just staring at her and realized that she is very beautiful. I think that sights (i'll call them this since i can't come up with a different word) at first glance (wow that does not make sense) doesn't actually mean much (which makes me a hypocrite because my opinion of a person is based off of first impressions until they prove that impression wrong).

I just think that girls are too quick to call this "pretty" or that "ugly". (I am also at fault here too...) That's why girls that don't judge are such a rare thing......... I'm confusing myself.... i think i'll just cut it off from that point before i ramble off on some random topic that does not make sense to anyone... including me.

Don't hate me... LOVE me :)

Every girl is beautiful

Not so secret hand writing

You know when you're in class and you're writing stuff... secret stuff to secret people (who will not be mentioned in this) and you don't want people to see what you're writing. Well i do that during history (boring as heck well actually the actuall h.e. double hockey stick probably isn't boring... but... painful? if it's like dante's inferno then yes, painful).

I'm actually quite the ninja about it! I put the notebook that contains this secret message on the desk. Then i put a folder above it (not on top, but above). Then i put a different notebook on top of the folder. As i write i move the notebook down to cover my words so no one can see my writings. I'm such a ninja, i know.

Why is the folder there you may ask? Well i tried it without the folder... when i'm at the top of the page, i find that the "covering" notebook doesn't slide so easily, since it'll be bent. I put the folder there to provide leverage to the "covering" notebook... yea, strange i know.

When you think about it though each letter has a specific pencil movement. If a person wrote big enough and slow enough then the person behing or at the side could possibly figure out what the person is writing! at least some of it. it's a good thing i write really sloppy and fast. My writing is sort of like cursive print... not very good when i rush.... and completly unreadable when i'm writing and i start dozing off in the middle of a sentence... yea.... does anyone else think about these things??

Don't hate me... LOVE me! :)

First day back to school

Today is the first day back at school... and boy, what a day it had been already. Sawyer is sitting next to me, although he is below me. He is below everyone except stephen.
I don't like the school computers... the space board is really loud... so now whenever i have a speace, i either have to deal with the loudness of it, or type really really slow to reduce the loudness of this space bar. I chose to make as much noise as possible by typing as fast as possible.
And the fact that i have five spaces before the beginning of my not so correctly formatted paragraphs... yea, that's not going to help my problem.

Well anyway, right now i have off.. 3rd is a really bad time to have off becuase i have NOTHING to do, unless i have chemistry for first period... then i can do chem, but it's the morning, my mind is not up to that yet, so nothing to do at all but talk to myself on my blog...
My computer is buzzing... and i think it may explode which is really really scaring me. It probably won't explode, but i'm sure it isn't supposed to be making these sounds either.

Bleh, this is getting really boring. Maybe i'll work on my book, that's the only thing i can do, since youtube and facebook does not want to work at school....

Don't hate me... LOVE ME! :)