The day I realized I liked you....

Hey oh. I have not blogged in a while but there isn't really a lot that happened.... scratch that. There was A LOT that happened. We ain't even going to touch the stupid K drama that happened last weekend. I was not drunk enough to deal with the shit storm that K caused. ugh. Yeah, I didn't start this blog post to talk about her or anyone other than HIM.

I don't know... I guess I am just feeling a little emotional listening to sad songs and everything. A lot of people have told me bad things about him, including K (she said some mean things man), that I know are kind of true or kind of make sense but I just don't understand why I still like him. I don't. He's not my normal type. For one, he is a player and I have said it plenty of times. I HATE PLAYERS. I didn't ever want to be played (but look at where I am now? I am being played and it sucks). I didn't even want to converse with players (the thing is, I didn't know he was one when I started liking him). Two, my type is asian. Out of the probably hundreds of guys I have found attractive a good 95% of them are asian. I never thought I would have date anyone that wasn't asian because most times I wasn't even attracted to them (maybe that sounds racist, but I am just being honest). Three, he is 27. That is like a 8 year difference? That doesn't bother me but I thought my next boyfriend would be closer to my age. Alan was one year above me and about 1.5 years older than me. I never thought I would like someone who was that much older than me, at least not for my next boyfriend. His age honestly doesn't bother me. I am willing to date anyone from 17.5-29 although I would prefer older (but if my soulmate is younger I can't really help that) because I was raised up in a family where my grandparents have a 10+ years difference and several of my aunt and uncles have 7+ years difference. It's not weird to me.

But anyway, we are getting off topic. I was thinking about why I liked him and that lead to the day I realized that I liked him. It was a very weird moment I guess but thinking back it really makes me smile....

It was the day that he drank vodka through a straw.. haha I know that sounds kind of weird but that was one of the most memorable things about that night. We also "watched" world war Z (actually C watched world war Z, I got scared and went to bed. But the exact moment I realized I liked him was when we were sitting. He was sitting in C's chair and I was sitting in front of the chair on the floor. I was leaning back on his crossed legs and that was the best. He played with my hair (which is the best thing ever because guys are too scared of hurting you so they are super gentle with your hair). He was also leaning forward to talk to me and was looking up the cancer aquarius compatibility (which is sweet). That was the moment I knew I had fallen. I liked him. I still like him.

It frustrates me though. I like him so much. I would do anything to be his girl but at the same time I don't want to be his girl. I know he's a player. I know he's probably not looking for a commitment right now (he might even be scared of a commitment) but he is the first guy I have shown ANY interest in since my last boyfriend and I really really like him.

ugh. He knows I like him. but I have no idea how he feels about me. This is not the ideal situation that I want to be in right now. I have tried asking him how he feels about me, but both times he has sort of avoided the subject (which is probably a big clue that he doesn't really like me in that way)... I guess I will attempt to talk to him again (one day. I hate talks and they scare me because I will probably get told things I really don't want to hear).

You know it really sucks when you realize that as soon as there is another girl showing interest, he would drop me at the snap of a finger (at least I think so because I don't know how he feels about me but he's a player so probably). I am literally just a side bitch and it makes me want to cry because I never wanted to be in this situation but I like him so much I don't really want to be out of this situation.

Ugh. It would have been so much easier if I didn't fall for him, if I found my own man.

ugh. whatever. I am going to end this by giving a big fuck you to K for saying that he was an asshole and a complete joke for being 27 and still working on his graduate degree. What kind of person says that about their friend? two faced bitch.

^ because of that, you don't want to get on my bad side. Once I hate you, I HATE you.

I don't know, kind of feeling bitter.

As my title suggests, I am kind of feeling bitter and emotional right now. No, it is not that time of the month although this could have something to do with me only sleeping for 4 hours monday night and then only sleeping for 2.5 tuesday night (it is now wednesday).

I am not very functional when I don't get enough sleep and I am hungry. I don't know what to do anymore. I guess I just need a really good cry to get every emotion out of my system, isn't that the girly thing to do?

What is even my life right now? I don't know what's going on. I don't know what to do. I just don't know. There are people giving me opinions and advice and it's not that I don't want to listen to it or that it's bad advice (because it's actually really logical and good advice). I am just not the type of girl that thinks about the future (and when I do, I get upset and I feel like puking. It's sort of like anxiety).

I know I am being kind of vague, but things were said that just brought up old emotions (old painful emotions) that I would just not like to think about or feel. I really just don't want to be hurt again but when my friends gave me advice, I felt like I was drowning and just digging myself a deeper hole. I am kind of over thinking things and letting my feelings get the best of me.

This all is just a jumbled mess, but I have to have somewhere to get it out and this is the place. I don't really know what I am going to do. I don't really know what I am going to say but I hope this all works out for the sake of everyone involved. I am just soooo stressed right now that I don't even want to think of anything but homework.

That's when you know you've got it bad. When you actually focus on homework in order to distract yourself from something. I just don't even know anymore. My friends are pressuring me into talking to him and it just stresses me out because I am not his girlfriend and what we have to talk about is sort of like defining the relationship even though we already told each other what we wanted.

Oh my goodness. I am just so stressing right now I practically feel like crying whenever I think of this. OMG. I could totally get friend zoned too. I am just scared out of my mind and nervous as to what will happen. Maybe I will speak more on this later.

It's time?

You know, it's been a really long time since I have liked a guy. I guess I have been attracted to many guys before. I have always claimed that I liked them, but it wasn't really like that. I have realized that I can't say I like a guy unless I really got to know him. With all the guys that I have said that I "liked" before, they were just attractions. I never actually got to know them.

With that being said, I have probably only REALLY liked probably 4 or 5 guys in all of my 19 years. I liked a guy that I will call X and Y in elementary school. These two guys, I actually talked to and played with. They were my little girl crushes. Then there was B and A(who many already know who A is, I don't think I talk about B often enough). I talked to B for like a good two weeks and I thought I liked him, but I let the opinions of others get in the way and he just sort of went away (or I sort of stopped communicating with him). Then there is A who I had my first real relationship with. He made me really happy and he also made me really sad.

Anyway, enough about that. My point is that I don't really know what to do when I like someone. It's been 4 years since I have been in a relationship, meaning it has been 4 years since I have liked someone. I am not even sure I know what to do anymore. I think I might like someone else now. I don't really know where I want this new development to go. I don't know if I really want a relationship right now. I know that I like hanging out with him, I think he's cute, and I think he's fun. What I worry about is kind of whether he is off limits or not (because he's good friends with my friend). I don't really know what to do. I kind of just want to have fun and do nice relationshippy things. I don't really want to be in a committed relationship.

I really just need someone else. Someone to clean the slate from the mess that was Alan. I need to experience a fun relationship, I don't think I need a completely serious relationship right now. I don't even know where this guy and I stand.

I mean I love hugging him and poking him and just sitting next to him while we watch tv or a movie. Yesterday he attempted to braid my hair and he was using my legs as a pillow while we watched a movie at like 4 in the morning. Just thinking about these relationship types things make me pretty happy. I mean he's just there and he's awesome and nice. I really like this aspect of relationships. I don't think I want someone to say good morning too and then talk for the rest of the day (because we don't do that). I don't need someone to tell all of my deepest darkest secrets to and see me at my most vulnerable. I really think all I need right now is fun.

Ugh, the thought of me actually liking another person makes me happy and yet it oddly stresses me out.

I am really at a loss here.

Deep Ass Questions #9

Think of the last person who you know that died. You have the chance to give them 1 hour of life back, but you have to give up one year of yours. Do you do it? Why or Why not?

Well the last person that I know that died was either my great uncle or the grandpa of someone I know. Both happened around the same time so I am not sure which one died first. I haven't ever dealt with a close death. My grandpa on my dad's side died before I was born and my other grandparents have yet to pass (and I am hoping every single day that they don't anytime soon). I know for sure that if I had to give up one year of my life to bring back either of those people for 1 hour, there will be no question in my mind that I would accept the consequences. I am still young so I still have many years ahead of me. Giving up one year of my life wouldn't be a huge deal compared to having someone get to say things that they never said or do something that they never got to do. It would be worth it in my mind.

Deep Ass Question #8

8. Your best friend confesses that he/she has feelings for you more than just friendship. He/she is falling in love with you. What do you (or did you) do/say?

I am going to change this to friend because my best friend is in a committed relationship and that would just be weird.

Well if my friend confessed that he had feelings for me, I would friend zone him. If he's my friend, then I am probably comfortable around him. I would only see him as a friend and not someone I would date. There are people that I am friends with that I would NEVER date. If I am friends with a guy and I actually call him my friend and hang out with him a lot and tell him things, then in my mind he really isn't a guy. He becomes a girl in my mind. I know I am not wording this right because a lot of guys would be offended if I told them I don't see them as a guy (which I have done before and the guy is super nice and understanding so he wasn't offended, at least I don't think he was).

Okay, I have a very hard time talking to guys I find attractive. If I find a guy attractive and want to date him, I would probably not talk to him on my own. I mean I did have a crush on a guy for like five years and never once had a full on conversation with him because I am really that painfully shy. So, with that in mind if I am friends with a guy then he really isn't someone that I could see myself dating.

If I am overly chatty with a guy or I tell him things that I really should be only telling my girlfriends, he is not someone I would date. If he wanted to date me, I would shoot him down because I really would not be having any romantic thoughts about him. It's just how my mind works.

I know I am not explaining this well but I can't really explain my brain... I can't really pull up the right words.

Oh well.

Time Boils the Rain

Oh my goodness, I am absolutely obsessed with Wu YiFan dinging Time Boils the Rain for Tiny Times 3 OST. His voice is awesome.

Anyway, I thought I would write this blog post on my feelings about Kris leaving EXO and my thoughts on SM Entertainment.

First off, I LOVE Kris. He is near the top of my bias list for EXO members (a lot of the times he is at the top) but in no way did I not do I now condone the timing of him suing SM and leaving EXO. I mean come on, he could have at least waited until after promotions instead of causing the whole group to rearrange themselves for performances and what not.

I don't like how he left SM but I am happy that he's happy now. I am not a delusional fan girl who will hate Kris for what he did to the rest of the EXO members because honestly, I don't think I can really hate Kris unless he did something illegal and like really bad (like sexual assault or really dating his married direct, which I will also talk about later). I am also not the delusional fan girl who still has hope that Kris will go back to being EXO-M's leader because it's clear that he's happy without being in SM.

I really hope that Wu YiFan will be able to stay friends with some of the members. I know they feel betrayed but they did train together and debut together. I wonder how they feel when they hear about Kris being in these movies and singing songs. Do they still feel betrayed or are they happy that their friend is happy? I am hoping it's the latter although I know it can take time to get over a betrayal.

Sometimes, I can't help but think that Kris leaving helped open up new doors for EXO. I have no idea if DO participating in It's Okay, That's Love and Chen participating in singing an OST song was because SM wanted to show Kris that he could have been in things if he stayed. Sometimes it feels like spite from SM (kind of like hey, you left and now we're letting your members participate in things they want to do or something like that). I know I am making my own assumptions but who really knows?

That's the real problem. We don't know the whole story so it's really hard to actually have like real opinions on solid facts. SM could have been controlling the member's instagrams (I was SO SAD when I saw that the members unfollower Kris but Kris was still following the members) or if everything went down the way that some people know. We just don't have all the facts.

Ugh, I am not butt hurt about this but I do have my own opinions on what happened. Again, I do not like the fact that Kris left. I do not like the time that he chose to leave. I just think that this is good for him. If he's not happy being in EXO then it would just make it harder on everyone if he did just stay for the benefit of the fans. I would rather Kris be happy than just putting on a facade in front of all his fans just to keep them happy.

Also, about the stupid thing that Kris is dating his director. I call bullshit. Like seriously? Unless he's trying to pull some kind of Kristen Stewart, I highly doubt he would date a woman who is in her forties and is married. like WTF are people trying to start? Unless there are some pictures or something as proof, I highly doubt that YiFan would do something like that. Any fan that actually believes that is stupid in my opinion because it isn't something that should even sound remotely like the truth unless there is hard evidence (like with Kristen Stewart).

I am just happy that Kris is happy. I really love his voice. I thought maybe he was another one of those people that SM recruited just for their looks and couldn't really sing so instead they had him rap but OMG KRIS'S VOICE IS LIKE SEX. I love deep voices, which is what attracted me to Kris in the first place but I thought he was just another rapper. I had NO idea that he could sing so nicely. SM, you did wrong by hiding such talent from us fans. I know with 12 members, there are many that get overshadowed. Lay is an awesome singer and composer and he really should be recognized for that. I mean Baekhyun's DO's and Chen's voices are like sex too but there are plenty of talented members in EXO that should get some spotlight time themselves sometimes. SM needs to stop playing favorites (and it is SO obvious that they do) and just have their idol's happiness in mind (because when the idols are happy we fans are happy).

This is like the end of my Kris/ Wu Yifan rant (I may or may not post my feelings on the Baekhyun dating Taeyeon if I feel like it later). My rant wasn't really organized but I support Kris when he was in EXO and I support Wu YiFan now that he's out of EXO. That doesn't mean I don't still support EXO because I do.

If EXO ends up slowly breaking down and the members go their separate ways, I will support each and every one of them in what they do because I feel like as an EXOtic and a fan of their music and voices it is something I must do.

I love OT12 but I also love OT11 and Wu YiFan.

Deep Ass Questions #7

The question is 7. Would you rather be hurt by the one you trust the most or the one you love the most?

Hmmmmm.... let me think about this.... would I want to be hurt by the one I trust the most.... or the one I love the most......

Well, I would like to think that the one I love the most (probs my significant other) would be the person I trust the most... but if that was not the case, I would rather be hurt by the one that I.... trust most. I don't trust easy so even if someone who I trusted hurt me, all that would do would betray my trust and then I will probably never speak to them again (kind of like what's going on in my life right now I guess) but I love way too easy. If someone I loved hurt me, I would be heartbroken for a REALLY long time. It'll take me a long time to be able to feel okay again.

Being hurt by people that I trust is a lot easier to deal with than if I was hurt by someone that I love (at least in my mind).

Deep Ass Question #6

6. You are walking down the street on your way to work. There is a dog drowning in the canal on the side of the street. Your boss has told you if you are late even once more, you are fired. Do you take the time to save the dogs life? Why or Why not?

This would really depend on a number of factors. I would love to try and save a dog that was drowning, but I can't really swim that well.... sooooo..... I would probably drown as well..... I am not really sure what I would do. I could always attempt to, but I would be terrified of drowning myself. It isn't really helpful if I drown with the dog. I don't know. I would probably try and help with a flotation device or tell someone else next to me or call the police or something. I am not sure. I could always try and explain to my boss but it isn't always guaranteed that they will even understand.

This question calls into whether I care about myself more or the welfare of an animal. I am not cruel, but I am not kind either. I would really have to be put in that situation in order to truly know what I would do.

Annoyed.

Well, here I am again letting out all my annoyance and feelings onto a blog post because I have absolutely NO one else to talk to. One of my so called best friends turned out to not be as good of a friend as I thought. My other one, I don't really share things with even though she is one of the best people in my life. I am just angry. I am not happy, and it is just not good to keep everything in.

I just don't understand. I don't understand how some people could do the most idiotic acts ever. I don't understand why some things make people change for the worst, sometimes for the better, but I am not sure at the moment. I am just extremely frustrated with everything and everyone and ugh. Everything is just terrible.

Let's start off with the straw that broke the camel's back. Stupid stupid stupid. I can't even describe the rage that I have. Sisters should not hate each other, but there is no doubt that I absolutely despise my two sisters with a burning passion. We aren't even going to talk about the evil one because that would make me too angry to even type everything else.

Let us talk about the slutty one. Apparently my mother came home today to discover that she had "stolen" (according to the evil one, she was asleep while this happened but I call bullshit on her stupid lies) my sister's car keys and have driven somewhere and refuses to come home. Part of this frustration is because I can't really think that a girl who doesn't even have her license could do such a thing (but no, she's done it on numerous occasions and has even broken the side view mirror off of my mom's car. She said my dad planned it that way because she always parks it 'perfectly' back into place. That idiot.) but a major part of my frustration is at my parents for not really doing anything about it besides just yelling at her. I am not saying that I am condoning my parents beating the crap out of her, but I sort of am because there is really no other way I can possibly see them getting through to her thick fucking skull (please excuse my language but I am so full of frustration and rage. I can't even comprehend this idiot.).

To be honest, my parents are afraid of their children. They kind of deserve it too. I suppose I was raised in a culture (don't quote me on this but my mother tells me this all the time) that when we have children, they will be demon children because of the way we treat my parents. Sometimes I think that's true. My mother doesn't treat my grandmother very kindly (and I hate her for it). Looking at how she backtalks to my grandmother, there is no surprise where my sisters learned such disrespect for my mom. My mom has actually admitted that she was scared of my sister (to quote her, not directly of course because she said it in cantonese, I better go get your sister her doughnuts [my sister demanded my mom buy her krispy kreme doughnuts] or she'll yell at me and I am scared of her). You know, I don't really understand why she, the slutty one, has all the power. She's my dad's favorite despite all of this stupid crap she tries to pull (I know for a fact she drinks alcohol and smokes weed even though she is only a sophomore in high school). Even the evil one bows down to her wishes. I am the ONLY one who is not afraid of her and yet I don't care enough for her wellbeing to tell her. I haven't spoken to her for over a year and I don't plan to because she's a bitch to be honest.

Actually, I could give her a lecture but I know for a fact that I will end up exploding with anger and beating her myself. I don't want to resort to that because I know I will feel bad about myself, not necessarily guilty (because I will NEVER feel guilty for giving her what she deserves) but I will be disappointed in myself for letting her get to me in such a way that I would be too angry to even think. I have a lot of pent up anger inside of me but I don't always feel it. Sometimes it bursts out in random blog posts and other times I just have to cry it out by myself because no one is really 100% there for me.

I don't know. I just hope the slutty one gets retribution in one form or another. Either she gets pregnant, drops out of high school, doesn't go to college, gets arrested, gets pulled over, i don't care what as long as it makes her take a good look at her life and where she's heading. You know what, I hope that she actually ruins her life because that teaches more lessons than thinking she will get away with whatever she wants.

You know I once told my other sister a difference between expecting to get whatever you want and being a good person, gaining good karma points, and having good things happen to them. Maybe I will rant about that in another blog post but anyway...

What this blog post made me realize (and it's a really sad realization) is that I really have no one to go to. Sure I could start telling my cousin things, but will she really understand? No. I know that for a fact she won't. I will just get angry with her because she's friends with the slutty one and sometimes says things that also make me extremely angry because she doesn't think like me. I can't tell one of my oldest friends because we just don't discuss these types of things. Sure I will tell her about my idiotic sister but I won't tell her about how I feel about it or how it makes me so incredibly angry.As I mentioned in the first paragraph, I can't really tell my so called best friend because once she went to another state, she basically left our friendship in the dust. I have realized she is not the best of friends and people (specifically my college roommate) has told me that I should be glad to be rid of such a terrible person but why do I feel so sad? There really isn't anyone I can talk to besides you, my blog. I have realized so many times that the people I thought cared about me really didn't and I am kind of tired of not having any real friends who I can share everything with.

Everything sucks and I am crying but what can I really do about it? Nothing but keep it all bottled up until the next time I deserve a good cry. I am so fed up with my life, with annoying people, with fake people, with people who don't really care. It is not 1:38 in the morning. My eyes are wet and my throat is killing me but I have to wake up at 9 in the morning, put a smile on my face, and pretend to be okay for a while until the next time I write a blog post.

It's times like this where I wish I had someone who actually cared and knew enough about me to make me feel better. I had that but turns out that he was an absolute jerk but I will not discuss that now, especially while I am in such an emotional state because I will just end up saying things that aren't true ( or maybe they are. I may be emotional, but I am more honest when I am in this state. or so I would like to believe).

I am just not a happy person and right now I don't really feel like I could ever truly say that I am 100% happy with where I am in life. I am just going to attempt to surround myself with comfortable pillows and just listen to lovely instrumental music and just cry and try to sleep. I am just so emotionally spent.

Deep Ass Question #5

Well, would you look at that. Two posts in one day?? Oh em gee, what a miracle? haha. I crack myself up sometimes.

Here's the 5th installment of Deep Ass Questions brought to you buy a post on tumblr.
5. You can have one of the following two things. Which do you choose? Why? Love and Trust.

This is a really hard question to answer because I am a true romantic. I am in love with the idea of being in love. I want one of those deep, burning, and passionate loves that simmer down with age and just develops into a nice and awesome love.

*sigh* When it comes down to it, I would chose trust over love. What is love really without trust? Sure, you could love a person and it would be pretty good but if you don't trust a person, how could you really stop yourself from being paranoid and doubting everything. If there is no trust, it's not going to last. Love is really based on trust. You will eventually stop loving a person if you really don't trust them, am I right? The trust issues are just going to tear a relationship apart.

I would hate a relationship without trust. I am a girl and an insecure girl at that. If there is no trust then there is doubt, paranoia, sadness, pain, ect. and I would NOT be able to deal with that. If I think I love a guy but really all it's causing is pain like 24/7, I wouldn't be able to deal with that for the rest of my life.



There is no love without trust.

Tumblr Thoughts

So I stumbled on this quote while I was on tumblr and thought I would discuss it on this wonderful and terribly inactive blog. College is hard. College is stressful. College makes me want to scream in frustration.

The quote is:
“I wonder who’s arms would I run and fall into if I were drunk in a room with everyone I have ever loved”


I am going to change that last word to liked because I haven't really loved many people. This got me thinking though. I was kind of put into that situation recently. Just kinda... ok, not really... Yeah, totally not really. Ok, scratch that.

Anyways. If I was drunk, I would probably go around and just fall into the arms of each and every single guy. I mean when I am a bit tipsy, apparently I LOVE to hug people. If you know me, that's like a complete 180. I do not enjoy touching strangers or hugging in general. It was really weird because at a party I was totally just asking every guy who walked through the door to just give me a hug.

But really. In reality, if I was drunk I would hug every guy there. As for who I would just like follow around, that would really depend. I mean there are guys that I liked for a really really really long time (like 5 years+ long) and there are some guys that I have thought were really really really attractive and I may have liked them for a little bit. When it comes down to it, I would probably just chose the guy that I came with... but I really wouldn't know. Could I really stop myself from going to the one person that made me feel for a little bit of my life or the guy that I liked for a really long time but has an awesome girlfriend right now? I don't know. I am kind of sensible when I am drunk so I would probably (and I say probably because I am really not that sure) NOT go back to the one guy that broke my heart because to be honest, he was a jerk and I kinda don't like him at like all right now. I probably wouldn't fall into the arms of the guy that I used to like for a really long time because I just want to be his friend now. I don't want anything to happen with him. I just want to finally become his friend again.

As for the guys that I may actually fall into. There is a guy. He's nice. I don't know if I like him. I don't know if things will happen, but I absolutely love his personality and I know he would take care of me if he wasn't wasted himself. He's awesome, but just a little too outgoing for me. He has a bunch of girls and to be honest we're friends. I could see things happening, but I don't really know if I want things to happen or not (probably not... but he's probably the most likely guy I would go to). Then there is another guy. The guy who rejected me when I tried to dance with him. SO embarrassing by the way and a total confidence killer. Haha, I took a chance and got shot down, not really something I want to try again... but I would love to get to know him more if I had the chance.

You know, looking back, I have really really changed as a person but I will leave that to another blog post.

Till next time fellow non-socialites.