I'm a person who is painfully shy. It's extreme. Extremely extreme. I feel like i have another person trapped inside of me. A person who's spontaneous and extremely outgoing, but she never comes out. The person i am on the outside is an outsider. A freak. gosh, this is so hard to write. It is so hard to write about myself because there are so many things i'm not, but want to be. You know that feeling? The feeling that i was supposed to me more than who i was? the feeling of being another person on the inside?
Well, i have two personalities. Possibly three. There is the person i am at school, the person i am with my friends, and the person i am in my mind. Today, i'll explain my school person. The person i am at school is the extremely shy person. The person i am at school is the quiet girl who never speaks. I'm not overly smart, although some would say that i am. I'm not confident. I walk through the halls with my head down. I'm the girl who never does anything daring. I'm the girl who doesn't want to embarrass herself. I'm the girl who rarely does anything besides read, sit quietly, and sometimes laugh and smile. I went through elementary like a regular elementary student, but that was before all the hormones. As an elementary student, i was still shy but i had an easier time talking because the kids were little and didn't care about much. I wasn't bullied or anything. I was just me. When i went to middle school, everything changed. Maybe it was because it was so different. Maybe it was just something that messed with my mind. Maybe it was supposed to happen how it did. Maybe, just maybe. I went through 6th grade not talking. I never talked in class. I just went from class to class. I rarely smiled. I fast walked through the hallways. I did everything i could to avoid people. I hated people touching me, even in the halls. I felt trapped. I didn't have any friends. My one friend from elementary was in the other core so i had no friends. I sat with people at lunch, but i never made conversation with them. I avoided people as much as possible. I got extremely nervous when the teacher called on me in class. I get extremely embarrassed and nervous whenever i bumped into someone or had an interaction with someone, even in group work. It was really really sad. I hated who i was. I hated who i was but i couldn't change it. I couldn't change it. I was so scared of change. I took my escape in books. I was a nerd, a geek.
Seventh grade wasn't much better. I actually cried. I cried in the cafeteria. I think at that moment, i vowed i would never show people my sad emotions. I sat there by myself, at a table, and cried to myself. I tried to hide it. I tried to hide it from the people who were sitting at the next table over, but i think they saw me. I hated it. I think i subconsciously vowed to myself that i would not let anyone know whenever i was sad. I would not let anyone know. I would keep it inside of me. I would keep it inside of me and never let it out.
Eighth grade was better. I gained more friends. I was less shy. I was still the geek and nerd. I would never be considered the popular person. I would never be considered the fun outgoing person. I was never loud enough to be voted anything. I was still the shy girl. I was still the person who rarely smiled in class. I was the person who blended in the background and didn't catch the attention of anyone. I was such a sad excuse for a person.
Ninth grade came. So did tenth. I was the same person as in eighth grade. There were those classes that i NEVER said anything in. I still had those classes. The classes where i did not have one friend in, i hated. I hated all the people. I've developed an interesting reaction to people. I hate being accidentally touched in the hallways. I scrunch my arms close to my body when i'm walking alone, hoping i won't bump into anyone. I'm still doing that. I'm still so worried. I'm still nervous. I'm still a person who is incredibly embarrassed whenever i accidentally run into someone. I'm also extremely embarrassed when i walk past a guy. I hate this about myself. I hate how submissive i am. I'm not assertive. I let everything slide. I do a lot of the work with groups. I am just a weak stupid person ok? I hate myself. I hate this physical shell of myself, hiding the person i really want to be. I regret so many things. You know those things that i mentioned in my other post? Yea, i regret so many things. It's way too late to change it now. I SUCK AS A PERSON.
