As my title suggests, I am kind of feeling bitter and emotional right now. No, it is not that time of the month although this could have something to do with me only sleeping for 4 hours monday night and then only sleeping for 2.5 tuesday night (it is now wednesday).
I am not very functional when I don't get enough sleep and I am hungry. I don't know what to do anymore. I guess I just need a really good cry to get every emotion out of my system, isn't that the girly thing to do?
What is even my life right now? I don't know what's going on. I don't know what to do. I just don't know. There are people giving me opinions and advice and it's not that I don't want to listen to it or that it's bad advice (because it's actually really logical and good advice). I am just not the type of girl that thinks about the future (and when I do, I get upset and I feel like puking. It's sort of like anxiety).
I know I am being kind of vague, but things were said that just brought up old emotions (old painful emotions) that I would just not like to think about or feel. I really just don't want to be hurt again but when my friends gave me advice, I felt like I was drowning and just digging myself a deeper hole. I am kind of over thinking things and letting my feelings get the best of me.
This all is just a jumbled mess, but I have to have somewhere to get it out and this is the place. I don't really know what I am going to do. I don't really know what I am going to say but I hope this all works out for the sake of everyone involved. I am just soooo stressed right now that I don't even want to think of anything but homework.
That's when you know you've got it bad. When you actually focus on homework in order to distract yourself from something. I just don't even know anymore. My friends are pressuring me into talking to him and it just stresses me out because I am not his girlfriend and what we have to talk about is sort of like defining the relationship even though we already told each other what we wanted.
Oh my goodness. I am just so stressing right now I practically feel like crying whenever I think of this. OMG. I could totally get friend zoned too. I am just scared out of my mind and nervous as to what will happen. Maybe I will speak more on this later.
Thursday, September 25, 2014
Sunday, September 7, 2014
It's time?
You know, it's been a really long time since I have liked a guy. I guess I have been attracted to many guys before. I have always claimed that I liked them, but it wasn't really like that. I have realized that I can't say I like a guy unless I really got to know him. With all the guys that I have said that I "liked" before, they were just attractions. I never actually got to know them.
With that being said, I have probably only REALLY liked probably 4 or 5 guys in all of my 19 years. I liked a guy that I will call X and Y in elementary school. These two guys, I actually talked to and played with. They were my little girl crushes. Then there was B and A(who many already know who A is, I don't think I talk about B often enough). I talked to B for like a good two weeks and I thought I liked him, but I let the opinions of others get in the way and he just sort of went away (or I sort of stopped communicating with him). Then there is A who I had my first real relationship with. He made me really happy and he also made me really sad.
Anyway, enough about that. My point is that I don't really know what to do when I like someone. It's been 4 years since I have been in a relationship, meaning it has been 4 years since I have liked someone. I am not even sure I know what to do anymore. I think I might like someone else now. I don't really know where I want this new development to go. I don't know if I really want a relationship right now. I know that I like hanging out with him, I think he's cute, and I think he's fun. What I worry about is kind of whether he is off limits or not (because he's good friends with my friend). I don't really know what to do. I kind of just want to have fun and do nice relationshippy things. I don't really want to be in a committed relationship.
I really just need someone else. Someone to clean the slate from the mess that was Alan. I need to experience a fun relationship, I don't think I need a completely serious relationship right now. I don't even know where this guy and I stand.
I mean I love hugging him and poking him and just sitting next to him while we watch tv or a movie. Yesterday he attempted to braid my hair and he was using my legs as a pillow while we watched a movie at like 4 in the morning. Just thinking about these relationship types things make me pretty happy. I mean he's just there and he's awesome and nice. I really like this aspect of relationships. I don't think I want someone to say good morning too and then talk for the rest of the day (because we don't do that). I don't need someone to tell all of my deepest darkest secrets to and see me at my most vulnerable. I really think all I need right now is fun.
Ugh, the thought of me actually liking another person makes me happy and yet it oddly stresses me out.
I am really at a loss here.
With that being said, I have probably only REALLY liked probably 4 or 5 guys in all of my 19 years. I liked a guy that I will call X and Y in elementary school. These two guys, I actually talked to and played with. They were my little girl crushes. Then there was B and A(who many already know who A is, I don't think I talk about B often enough). I talked to B for like a good two weeks and I thought I liked him, but I let the opinions of others get in the way and he just sort of went away (or I sort of stopped communicating with him). Then there is A who I had my first real relationship with. He made me really happy and he also made me really sad.
Anyway, enough about that. My point is that I don't really know what to do when I like someone. It's been 4 years since I have been in a relationship, meaning it has been 4 years since I have liked someone. I am not even sure I know what to do anymore. I think I might like someone else now. I don't really know where I want this new development to go. I don't know if I really want a relationship right now. I know that I like hanging out with him, I think he's cute, and I think he's fun. What I worry about is kind of whether he is off limits or not (because he's good friends with my friend). I don't really know what to do. I kind of just want to have fun and do nice relationshippy things. I don't really want to be in a committed relationship.
I really just need someone else. Someone to clean the slate from the mess that was Alan. I need to experience a fun relationship, I don't think I need a completely serious relationship right now. I don't even know where this guy and I stand.
I mean I love hugging him and poking him and just sitting next to him while we watch tv or a movie. Yesterday he attempted to braid my hair and he was using my legs as a pillow while we watched a movie at like 4 in the morning. Just thinking about these relationship types things make me pretty happy. I mean he's just there and he's awesome and nice. I really like this aspect of relationships. I don't think I want someone to say good morning too and then talk for the rest of the day (because we don't do that). I don't need someone to tell all of my deepest darkest secrets to and see me at my most vulnerable. I really think all I need right now is fun.
Ugh, the thought of me actually liking another person makes me happy and yet it oddly stresses me out.
I am really at a loss here.
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