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I'm not fat. I'm not fat. I'm not fat. I'm not fat. I'm not fat. I'm not fat. I'm not fat. I'm not fat. I'm not fat. I'm not fat. I'm not fat. I'm not fat. I'm not fat. I'm not fat. I'm not fat. I'm not fat. I'm not fat. I'm not fat. I'm not fat. I'm not fat. I'm not fat. I'm not fat. I'm not fat. I'm not fat. I'm not fat.


Maybe if I say it enough I'll believe it. Or maybe my mom will call me fat again and I'll die.

News report

One day, you're all going to see my name on the news. You may not know it was me, but you will cringe at all the horrible things that I did to people. You will probably sit there and wonder 'what kind of life mush she had to do those horrific acts to people' and then you'll come read this blog or remember about this blog and maybe then you'll understand, at least a little bit about me. About what drove me to hurt all the people that I did. That cause me to murder my whole family.

I am so angry right now. So angry that such evil little demons live in my house. So angry that I came VERY close to punching a giant hole in my wall, but I didn't. I don't want to pay for any fucking damage I do to this rotten hell hole of a house. Once my grandparents die, I'll basically have no family anymore. Dumb ass sister will be dead to me. Completely dead to me. There will be NO reason for me to come back to this stupid house.

Once my grandparents die, I'm on my own. None of these stupid people will come to my wedding. Hell, whoever I marry probably will think my parents died and that I only have one sister because frankly, everyone else is a fuckin bitch and doesn't need to be in my life. My children won't know they have 4 aunts and grandparents from my side of the family.

If I ever become like my mom or my sisters, I would probably kill myself. Sometimes, I hope that my sisters would go kill themselves or get into a bad accident or get murdered just so I don't have to kill them myself. Frankly, I think that if I have to deal with them for the rest of my life, I WILL end up murdering them.

Maybe I'm just messed up like that. Maybe I'm just some psychopath that needs to be locked up. As I said before, they would all be dead right now. But the problem is, I have a life. Sometimes, I don't want to live it and just end my suffering myself. But other times, I want to see what I can become. Killing myself is not the solution to my problem. If I died, nothing would change. What I want is to be famous. I want to be rich and successful and I want to drive by this house and this area and see this house in ruins. I want to be successful and see my sister begging for spare change. I want to see my other sister working her corner trying to get money for her and her three children with three different baby daddies. Most of all, I want to see my family suffer for all the pain they caused me. I am waiting for the day when karma bites their butts. I am waiting for the day when karma completely squishes their lives and make it nonexistent. That is one of the few reasons I'm still alive. So that I can have my good life and watch them live our their bleak existences.

Night time

"People are so vulnerable at night. They’re willing to spill out their souls to anyone willing to listen. They have desires to do things that never cross their mind when the sun is in the sky."

I found this on Tumblr. Ha, recently, I have gotten everything on Tumblr. That's because Tumblr is my addiction. If you want to know my tumblr..... then here is the link. Click here. YUP. That is my tumblr. It is filled with hot Korean men that I someday want to married... plus 4 Chinese members.... LOLZ (EXO-M)

Anyway, this quote is so freaking true. I am so vulnerable at night. Night time is when I release all my feelings into blog posts and other stuff. Night time is when I feel the most sad. It is the time when I am able to reflect on my day which leads to reflections about myself. This leads to so many disappointments. I am so disappointed in myself. Quite sad actually.

Also, I get really lonely at night. At night, I am so much more willing to tell you all my secrets than during the day. It's like I am a totally different person at night. I "happy" during the day and not so much at night.

All my courage also happens at night. I am much more willing to talk to people. I actually get ideas and plan out scenarios of telling people to date me or just walking up to a person and just kissing them because they just don't know I am here, that I exist.

I don't know what it is about the night time, but it brings out the real feelings that a person has. It brings out all the insecurities and the suffering and the sadness. Some people just handle it better than others.

I'm not good at dealing with my feelings.

2 years+

My very first blog post was on April 8th, 2010 at 6:50 PM PST. I've had this blog for more than two years. It's actually approaching 3 years. I've changed so much.

I've changed so so much since then. If you actually go back and read those posts, I am naive. I am innocent. I was not depressed and I was happy... or at least I thought I was happy.

Now read my blog posts. What are they? They're depressed and gross. Lots of things happened in these two years of having this blog. I've learned a lot. I've reflected a lot. It's just a lot.

All these changes...... can I say they were for the better? I guess we shall see. Can I say they were for the worse? Probably. I went from happy to depressed. Why is that not worse?

I don't know. I guess when I started this blog, I had a prince charming (or who I thought would have been my prince charming) but now, what am I doing?

I'm still waiting. I've suffered through the immeasurable pain of having your heart broken and I guess I am still picking up the pieces. Will I ever be whole again? I don't know. Will I ever find another Prince? Maybe. It's all unknown.

I'm just a senior in high school. I'm just waiting to be accepted into college (even though it is no question that I am accepted into the colleges that I applied to. Got a 30 on ACT).

Actually, I am just a girl who wants to be happy. I. Am. Just. A. Girl.

What?

So, I just saw this on tumblr. This is what it said......

"saying 'how can you be sad when people have it so much worse than you' is as ridiculous as 'how can you be happy when people have it so much better than you'"

I completely agree with this. In my opinion, I feel that this piece of speech speaks so many words. If you're asking me how can I be sad with all this "awesomeness" in my life is just like me asking you how you can be so happy with life if at least one person out in the world has it so much better than you?

This is exactly why people cannot question depression. It's basically saying that. I'm a fairly happy person, at least I try my hardest to radiate that opinion to other people. Deep down, I am basically hiding a depressed black hole. Isn't that kind of sad?

When I am in a particularly depressing state, there is no other person other than me. This may have just sounded really stupid and selfish, but that's how I feel. I feel that there is no one with it worse than me. Maybe sometimes it may be true, out of all the people I know I may be the saddest or the most depressed. There is no way I can know that.

All we ever know is the known. Out of everything I know, I am the most depressed. It may be that my friends are more depressed than me, but they don't share it with me, so then that isn't know. When I am depressed, I don't think of other people. I only think of my situation. I'm pretty sure a lot of people feel this way. When they're upset they think about themselves. It's just how human nature is, isn't it?

If you really think about it, there is nothing but ourselves. From the day we are born, to the day we die we're ALWAYS thinking about ourselves and how we can make our lives better.

Logically, I know that my situation is not the worse, but how about all you people that tell me to feel better or that people have it worse than me keep your positivism to yourselves. I don't want your positivism (i'm a pessimist anyway). I don't accept your positivism and if you think about it, why are you so happy? Why are you so happy when there is so much more you could do to be happier?

I know that the world would be a terrible terrible absolutely terrible place without all these positive people, but these positive people DO NOT need to push their positivism onto me. I am fine wallowing in my own depressing feelings. If you leave me alone, I will eventually be able to compose myself. Pushing your happiness onto me is NOT going to make me feel better. It's best to just leave me alone.

After all, I am a just a girl. A girl who feels extremely sad sometimes.

Rebound?

Well, I think I've come to the conclusion that no matter who I like next, they will be like a rebound. It's been over a year since my ex broke up with me and yet I just can't find the will power to forget about him.

I want another relationship so badly because I miss the feeling of having someone else there for me. I miss all the hugs and kisses, not necessarily from my ex because I am NEVER getting back together with him.

Today, I realized that (probably, I don't really know) the reason I went out with him was because he gave me attention, unlike every other guy that I have even had any interest in. The guys that I have ever been interested never talked to me or anything and I ended up pining after someone who would never give me a chance. I guess I'm re-evaluating everything and that is the conclusion that I've come to.

If the guy I liked actually gave me a chance then I would have never dated my ex and I wouldn't be so desperate for another relationship (because frankly, I am desperate to feel loved again). I'm really in the mood where I feel so alone and I will always be alone. Meh. I am such a complainer. I wish for things but I never have the guts to make them happen.

I guess that makes me a complete social defect. I never have the nerve to do anything. I am always too afraid to talk to that cute guy or to talk to the guy I like. I pine for them from afar and expect them to make the first move because for some reason I feel like they would never feel the same way and if they did then they would make the first move.

I'm just not happy with myself at the moment. I'm always tempted to go up to the person that I do like and just tell him how I feel, but nope. I never do. It's quite sad actually.

Victoria's Secret Fashion Show 2012

OH MY GOD, I AM SUCH A FAT COW. That is currently what i'm feeling like right now, after watching this fashion show. OMG, Candace is so freaking pretty. I can't even.

I was so not going to watch the show because the last year I watched it, I felt so horrible after. Sometimes, I think I can be a model but seriously, I can't. I am way too fat. I'm a size 4. I used to be a size 2. What happened? Fatness and laziness happened. WHY AM I SO LAZY? Ugh, these models are making me feel so bad. It's not their fault they are perfect in like almost every single way. Ugh, I can just cry right now.

I guess I have no one to blame but myself. I'm allowing me to become this cow but I don't have time to work out. It's either be fat and do all this homework or work out and fail school. I REFUSE to fail school. Those people who have time for everything are freaking awesome and ugh. I wish I was skinnier. Man, these girls are freaking pretty. I CAN NEVER BE THAT. UGH.

I'm just a shy girl who's getting fatter and fatter because she doesn't want to give up her grades or sleep in order to exercise. Man, I wish I could be them. UGH. UGH. UGH. SO MUCH SADNESS IN ME RIGHT NOW. And omg, Justin is like DROOLING over Rihanna. Dude, seriously that is SO hilarious. OMG, he must be salivating so much. Man, all the guys must be salivating.


and this is where I end my post. Talking about salivating guys and how much of a fat cow I am right now. DANG, ugh. filled with jealousy.