September 23rd

and you know it. you know it damn well. why would you leave me? you know I didnt give a shit about them, you are my world and still are you fucking asshole. ARE YOU BLIND? why do you have to make me feel like shit and not look at me everytime I pass by you. why you gotta act like I dont even exist. did I mean that little to you? am I that easy to forget? …i love you. I cant fucking handle this.

(above) from a tumblr post that someone posted but expressed how i felt)

(and did you have to find another girl in a month. A FREAKING MONTH. Was i worth so little to you that you forgot me that quickly? You said you loved me. Obviously you lied. It only took you a month to meet another girl, talk to her, as her out. How is that even possible? Why did you freaking tell me the truth? Why didn't you freaking give me a better reason than "i'm tired of being in a relationship". Took you a month, probably less to get over that? And why did you get over it to be with another girl? You said you weren't tired of me, you were tired of the relationship. YOU LIED to me. How could you have loved me? How could this have happened when i saw you cry. You saw me cry. We shared everything. What is wrong with me that made you stop? Or did you even love me at all? Did you even care for me? Was it all a lie? Were you really cheating on me?? Why would you freaking leave me wondering? You aren't worth anything. You aren't worth anything and yet i still love you. My heart can't understand your lies. It just understands my feelings. My feelings for you were real. They were real and you threw them away. You threw them away to be with some other girl. Some other girl who is new and exciting. I hope you get tired of her too. Better yet, i hope that she gets freaking tired of you and hurts you like you hurt me so you would understand better. Understand what you made me feel. But i don't really wish that. Why would i wish my pain on someone that i love? Because i want you to feel what you are doing to me. Today would have been our 17th monthaversary. We lasted over 15 months. Over 15 months of me loving you and you blew it all away in a month. You freaking jerk. But i still love you....)

parenting?

What is up with dumb people who expect so much from their children? What is up with stupid, ignorant people who are saying hypocritical things every single freaking day? What is up with parents yelling at their kids so much that they cry? I read an article that said a girl started fires to try and kill her family. I totally understand that. Some people might be appealed, but with the freaking pressure that parents give their kids these days, it's so freaking understandable, at least to me. Ignorant parents who expect their children to do well are so stupid. So stupid. This pressure is what causes some teens to hurt themselves, to get away from the pressure. Those parents that expect so much, that force their kids into doing things are the parents that know NOTHING about their child. Knows nothing about what their child likes or interests. These parents raise kids that hate them, that want to kill their parents for all the stress that is thrust against them. Teens aren't strong. They break down. Stupid and ignorant parents don't understand that. They think their kids owe them something for raising them. They threaten to throw their children on the streets. Yea, try that. It's called child abuse and abandonment. Try it one day and the police will arrest them. Parents who uses threats such as violence or kicking them out should obviously not be a freaking parent. WHAT KIND OF DUMB PARENTS threaten their kids? People who should die, that's who. People who abuse their children should die a horrible death. Do they know that their abuse and pressure cause their children harm. These stupid and ignorant parents could be raising a serial killer. A baby is not a serial killer by fate ok? It's the dumb parents that make them that way. It's the parents that don't understand anything. That don't understand anything about their child. I freaking hate my parents. They have their good moments, but the bad always are horrible. The bad outweigh their good moments. They're bad parents. Maybe someday i'll be a serial killer. You never know. They're dumb and ignorant and expect way to much from me. I'm not their good little girl who will do every single thing they want. If they want that child, they should have bought a robot. I will go out when i want. They can't keep me in my room forever. Find, kick me out. I'll go straight to the police and tell them all the things, all the emotional abuse that my parents put me through. Things that probably damaged my mind. It's all their fault. All their fault i would rather run away than live with them sometimes. The only reason i'm still here is because of my future. I will go to college. Move away and never see their faces again. I will not allow my children to see their grandmother because she ruined my life. Ruined my life. I don't give a crap that she raised me. How did she raise me? She didn't freaking raise me. My grandmother did. Once my grandmother dies, i'll be devastated. My grandmother is a way better mother than my mom. I learned this behavior from her. She should know that. She's a freaking rude ass person to my grandmother. I can't take it. I can't see her treating my grandmother like how she does. I don't even consider her my mother most of the time. She's a horrible parent. My father is ok, he's just never there. He does what my mom wants him to do. Mom is a hypocrite. A hypocrite who is dumb and ignorant.



Strict parents raise rebellious children.

Work

I'm beginning to regret taking on a job. I like work and all, but my scheduling is so irregular. I don't know what to do. I want to do tennis, but someone told me that practice was everyday afterschool. I also have to work Saturday. That's like a prime time! I don't want to work when it's super busy.... I'm so scared to actually work during a busy day. I can barely handle a semi busy day. Oh, plus another thing with tennis. If I do it, games are Tuesdays and Thursdays. Sometimes I work Thursdays.... Sometimes i work Tuesday's.... Well I only worked one Tuesday and it was pretty slow... But I'm scared to say I can't work because I'm going to be doing tennis. I don't like confrontation. I'm scared if the manager and boss. I think I'm working with the boss today (Thursday) and I'm so freaking scared that I'll get fired! So freaking scared!!! Ugh! Hate this. So much stress. But I can't quit after working for like 5 days...

Girls are simple..........

Sometimes. I have to agree with some people. Girls are complicated. GIRLS ARE SO COMPLICATED. but sometimes, girls are simple. Most girls just want to feel loved. That includes a lot of different things, but still. Not a lot of girls are hard to figure out. Just love her and don't hang out with other girls. Be romantic and make her feel special. That's basically it all summed up. If the girl isn't happy, the guy isn't going to be very happy either (Ain't that right sista? <---- failed gangsta attempt). Personally, I'm a lot more complicated than regular girls. That's my personal opinion. I'm pretty sure that my mind is like messed up. I can be bipolar sometimes. I'm also very childish, but i guess that can be cute sometimes? Yeah, or really annoying.

Well, with my personality, when i find someone who wants to be with me despite everything that i am (Crazy, hyper, sad, very depressed, happy, emotional, screamy, bitchy sometimes, blahy, everything) then i guess it'll be good (thought i had that, but guess not...) Someday, I'll learn to love again. I'll find someone else who will love every single part of me. Every single detail of my existence. Maybe i'm just not ready to find him yet. I mean, i'm still an extremely shy person. I don't interact with guys very much. I guess i need to learn how to break out of my shell and experience life. I experienced life with someone. Someone i miss dearly. Someone i miss, but doesn't miss me. Now that's not fair is it? But life isn't fair. It's pretty darn hard ok? Nothing is going to come all wrapped up in pretty pink wrapping paper with a pretty purple bow on top. You have to survive through it all. Maybe i'm meant to survive through this.... or maybe i'm meant to go running back to him at the first sign of when he wants me. I don't know. I don't know what to do. That's why girls are complicated. It's because they think WAY too much. maybe i should just let my heart guide me.... But right now, my heart is guiding me to him. I guess i'll just hold back. Hold back until he's ready to be mine. If it really isn't meant to be, he won't come back. He won't come back ever and maybe then i'll be ready to move on.... This reminds me of something. Something i said to him a while ago. Something i repeated. Right now, this sounds so stupid. This statement that i said, it makes me pathetic. In my heart, it's perfectly reasonable. I'm sure some people will shout at me when i post this post. This post or a future post about him. About missing him so much it hurts. Man, this post was not supposed to be related to him. This post wasn't supposed to make me cry. This post was supposed to be girls being complicated and simple all in one. WHY CAN'T I STAY ON TOPIC? (i guess that's another part of who i am). Well, i'm leaving now. I might post two posts some days because i write way too much just for one day. Like yesterday, i wrote two. Oh well, maybe i'll keep them in case i can't write one of the days. *sigh* so much frustration.

plans?

I'm not the type of person to make any plans about my future. For example, the only thing I know I want to do after high school is go to college. I don't have any idea what major I'll study or anything after that. It's pretty sad actually. I am so indecisive that it isn't even funny. It's actually quite annoying and can annoy my friends. I just hate making decisions in case I decided wrong or something. I'm always afraid of failing (shall be another post?). My future scares me. Especially now. Before, for the past year, I had a plan. A plan for my future after college. It was the one thing I thought would last (how many times can I talk about this subject? I'm sure I'm saying the same things over and over again but there isn't anything else that propells me to write. I only write when I have emotions. Well I'm chalked full of emotions right now. Bt anyway. For the past year I had plans. Even partial plans for college, relationship wise. I had plans to spend my life with someone I loved (and still do). I had plans, but now they are so very obsolete. I had plans with my friends, but it doesn't look like those will come true. Even with the plans that I had with my friends, I was skeptical. With him, it wasn't like that. I wasn't skeptical at all. It was so much fun to plan out our lives. How many children we'd have, how many pets, where we'll possibly live. It was so much fun! But now where are my plans? They're gone. Even if I find someone else, the plans won't be the same because the guy isn't the same. I know things don't always go out as planned, but I was so certain. So certain that we would end up together, that we would get through anything and everything. I guess he didn't feel the same way. Whatever the reason was that propelled me to hurt him (I will never know?$ must have been a good one (or a selfish, jerky one <---- hoping it was that so I can get over him easier). *sigh* <---- that wad a literal sigh. I just did it. I want some certainty in my life again. I want someone new. I want another guy, but how can I open myself to another guy if my heart doesn't want to? My heart doesn't want to trust, it doesn't want to love and be hurt again.

11:11

To people who know me. Should not read this. It's a total backwards step, like the whole backwards direction here. But i did not write this today, it was like a week ago maybe.... DISREGARD GOSH!

It's 11:11 (when i wrote this) and I wish for the same thing over and over again. It hurts to know he doesn't think about me at all. It hurts that he's happy with another girl after nit even a month after our break up. It freaking hurts like hell. When will I feel ok?? When will I learn to trust again? Why do these questions not have answers? It just hurts so much. I find relied in school... In school for crying out loud. When will someone ever say that school is good? Now. When I'm at school, it still hurts. It hurts but there are people there. I won't cry in front of people. I refuse to. School gives me an excuse to be strong. But once I'm on the bus, typing on my iPod, the tears come so close to flowing, even with people around, they come SO close to flowing. Then I get off the bus. I get off and I want to sit there and break down. But I can't. The tears stay put. I make them stay put until I'm safely in my room. When will this stop? When will I learn to hate him instead of loving him? When will all this ever happen? Will it even happen at all?? Maybe I'm hoping for a miracle that will never come. I can't say I hate him without meaning 'I still love you but you're hurting me'. My love for him will never turn to hate right? I just hate it. I hate how I'm laying here thinking about him every single night and he doesn't even care. He doesn't even realize that he's hurting me on such a big level. He doesn't feel guilty. He probably goes to sleep with a smile on his face because of his new girl. I go to sleep with tears in my eyes. Why is this so unfair? So unfair to me! I won't ever be the same thanks to him. I feel so pathetic. So evil. So sad. So.... Everything but happy (or any word related to happy). You know? He broke my heart into millions of pieces. Millions of pieces. That's not even all. Every single day, he breaks it more, into even smaller pieces. Will my heart ever heal?

Players

Yes, now i'm talking about players. Not the athletic kind of players, (although i may delve into the subject of football players) but the kind of players who play with a girl's heart. I vowed never to fall for a football player. I can't stand how they act and behave. Plus, i'm a really shy person, i wouldn't fit in with his crowd. Thank goodness i did not fall for a football player (although i can't say the same about my friend *shudder* what a mistake that was!). Too bad it was a tennis player that got me. That stole my heart, probably played with it, fed it lies that it believed, and smashed it into a million pieces. Anyway, players really bother me. Those guys (a girl player is a slut right?) that has a girlfriend, and yet they go around hugging other girls. They go around talking to other girls behind the girlfriend's back. I'm not saying that if a guy has a girlfriend, they don't get to have any other girl friends. I'm saying that if the guy is interacting with different girls, he should at least tell his girlfriend. I knew that my ex had a bunch of girls as his friends. I was fine with that, i totally was. But he should tell me if some girl (from like 5th grade) all of the sudden contacts him. That's something i should have known. If he told me, we could have avoided one fight.

An example? Ok, so in my class last year, there was a guy who had a girlfriend. A girlfriend that he liked a lot (i'm not going to say loved because i, personally, don't think that players can truly love a girl (Probably true for my ex) to the extent that she should be loved) and every single day, he would walk into class and hug 3 different girls. It's also obvious that he likes this other girl, who sits near him (I have to watch their freaking interactions (since i was like in the middle) and it was so sickening). Like really, he talks to her everyday. He asks why she doesn't answer the phone when he called her. It made me feel bad for the girlfriend. I hope she knew about this other girl.

Maybe it's just my opinion on people. It's sort of a stereotype for football players. But it's like the freaking truth. They're mostly jerks. BIG FAT JERKS. They're mostly players too. Seriously, major players. Like my friend dated a football player. He was a complete jerk, especially at the end. It was probably the worst mistake ever made. But now she's happy. I'm so glad that her new (ish since it's almost been a year for them) is so much better than the football player. ERG, football players (and players in general) annoy me so much. I know there are a few exceptions. Players can love too, but i'm talking in general here. Guys are jerks, i'm just going to put it as that.

AHHHH!!!!! I'm getting behind! I wasn't able to write any new posts today or yesterday! Need to get crackin on that.....

Side note

My blog posts are not posted the day i write them. So all of them are messed up. The one i just posted was about two days ago. The only one that is right is the first one, the one with the song lyrics.

I shouldn't care

I shouldn't care. I just shouldn't, but i do. I'm so hurt. I'm a horrible person for hoping that you don't last. I'm a horrible person for hoping, just hoping that you would take me back. I know i shouldn't think like this. Especially since everyone is saying he is a douche and doesn't deserve me. Other people say that, but i don't think that. Not right now. Not while i'm sitting here, trying to get my feelings into words while you're out gallivanting with another girl. I hope she makes you happy. I hope she doesn't. I want you to be happy, just happy with me. I hate this feeling. This feeling that I was not good enough for him. For that one guy who was a jerk to me. I'm just an insecure person. I wish i had the strength to not feel like this. My friends are so supportive. They actually think i have the strength to get through this. Why can't i have the same faith in me as my friends? Right now, i'm so weak. I cry so much because every single time i think about him, it hurts. It brings tears to my eyes. It just freaking sucks. But these blogs do help. It gives me a person to talk to. Especially since i don't have a lot of followers, and i know they don't read my posts. This is basically like a non-judgmental friend that is here for me to spill everything to. It's like a private diary. Plus, it's pretty anonymous for me. No one knows who the person behind NINJA INC. is. The only way to know is if they know me personally and know who mentions ninja inc a lot. It's like i'm revealing things to myself. Writing these posts give me a chance to release what i hold inside so that i don't explode in a rampage.

The thing is, I still care about him so much. I highly doubt there will be a day when i stop caring about him. He wasn't just a boyfriend. He was my best friend. Someone who knew almost everything about me (I am not going to reveal my habits, they are just really weird). But, at the time, he was my best friend. I was close to some of my other best friends, but i was the closest with him. One day he just took away that friendship. We went from talking every single day, every. single. day. and now we don't. I'm so pathetic (i'll just explain that on its own, it would take way to long for me to explain that in this post). I also want to explain "what ifs" (in another post). Ugh, i'm probably just depressed. I need another guy in my life. Another guy who will treat me right. But at the same time, i don't want any other guy besides him. He's different (yet another explanation in another post, i hope). He's always been different for me. I just don't want to lose him. I know that when he goes to college next year, i will lose him. I will lose him to those girls who are willing to do anything. It'll just break my heart all over again because i'm waiting for something that will never come. I'm waiting endlessly. I probably won't get over him in the next month. I'm probably NEVER going to be over him. He was my first relationship, my first love, my very first and it was so so special. I'll never stop caring for him. Maybe (hopefully) i will stop caring about him as a boyfriend, but i will never stop caring for him as a friend. It just seems that he stopped caring for me. He moved on. He's happy (I hope). It's just me. It's just me who is sitting here all depressed, talking to myself through my blog. It's so pathetic. I'm so pathetic. I even try to have fun, but it doesn't work. Everything reminds me of him. Am i just supposed to get rid of everything? I can't do that now can i? UGH! I'm so frustrated with myself. Why can't i move on? Why can't i be a different person?

Guys are princes...... PUH LEASE

Chivalry is not dead. I don't understand where all the princes are. You know? Those guys who actually care for a girl and treat her like a princess? Where are those guys who want more than just sex? Where are those guys who want to spend every single day with a girl because he loves her? WHERE ARE THEY?! Why are guys just players and manipulators? Why are guys liars? I don't mean for this to offend the male species, but this is just my experience with guys. I have not had the best experiences ok? I'm entitled to a lot of hate. I'm entitled to express my opinions. AND WHAT THE F*CK IS UP WITH GUYS WHO USE SHITTY EXCUSES TO BREAK UP WITH GIRLS? (please excuse my language. I hate to cuss. I only do it when i'm super mad or fired up about the subject). Ok guys, because you are tired of being in a relationship or sick of being tied down is not a good excuse. Look it up in Urbandictionary.com. It even says right there. If you type in tied down, it will say, and i copied and pasted. Look at the bottom for the direct quote. But anyway, back to what i was saying. If a guy says this then are a freaking jerk, ok? This is ESPECIALLY true if, at any time in the relationship, they told you they loved you. If he fucking loved is girlfriend, why would he be tired of her? That's horrible logic. The least a guy could do it to treat a girl right. She deserves to know the truth behind a break up. She deserves to know. Guys who say that are just looking for a really shitty excuse. They're being chicken, looking for any excuse. He'll be hurting the girl anyway, why not just tell her the freaking truth huh? Yeah, emphasizes the fact that guys who say that are freaking jerky chickens.

Guys are just stupid. I still mean to not offend. I just feel like that. I've felt like that my whole life. There was one exception, at least i though he was a fucking exception, until he did that. Saying that stupid phrase that left me guessing. When guys do that, all it's doing is hurting a girl's self confidence. She sits there an breaks herself down, analyzing herself to see what was wrong with HER. The girl doesn't deserve that. Especially when it was HIS freaking mistake of letting her go without an explaination. Someday, you'll love me but i will be over you. I hope that's true. I hope i break his heart. I hope i shatter it completely so that he'll know what a mistake he made. I just want him to go through the pain he put me through, the pain that i'm still going through. My brain and my heart are at war because of him. THEY ARE AT WAR and i can't do anything about it. People say that the heart can't feel pain, that heartbreak is all in the mind. If that's so true then why does my chest hurt every. single. time. i think about him? Why does it hurt so much i can barely breathe? why does it cause me to write these rampages almost every single day to try and release the pain? If heartbreak is only in the mind, then please explain that to me.

Back to the point though. It's not chivalry that is dead, because it still exists. It's the race of princes that are slowly becoming extinct. The guys who are completely devoted. Most guys aren't. Most guys are lying, cheating, heart breaking players. There will always be those exceptions. Those guys who are lucky enough to have found their soul mates. Found their soul mates who love them back. But what about those people who can't. Those girls (and guys) who can't trust. Who has had way too crappy of a life? Who let one guy (or girl) ruin any chance of happiness because she gave her whole heart out to some guy who chose to shatter it. Shatter it to a million little pieces. Who will put the pieces back together again. A million pieces. My heart won't be whole again (and if some miracle happened and my heart healed, would it be complete?). All thanks to a guy. One guy, who i still love.

a bullshit reason to dump someone "I'm leaving you because I don't want to be tied down."

I don't know anymore

I don't think I can move on from him unless I know the truth. I need to know the truth between our break up if I'm going to truly move on. Most of my thoughts of him revolve around asking myself what was wrong with me? Why did he stop loving my? I just want to know. If he truly broke up with me because he stopped loving me then he should have just said it. I have false hope every single freaking day. If he really did not love me at all throughout our whole relationship then that would probably make me cry. But it would probably make me move on faster. If I know the reason it'll make me have focused thinking. It could seriously help me get over him. That's what I think. What do you think? What is my problem? Why is this so freaking hard? Oh, I know already. I know why it is so hard. So freaking hard to give up on something, someone I absolutely loved with my WHOLE heart. That vent will be another post. Maybe I'll feel better after a venting post. I don't know. There is just a lot on my mind right now.

I'll put another one up, since this one was pretty short..... the other one will be quite long.....

future blog ideas?

*Note, this was actually the first out of the new blog posts that i've been doing every day, i just didn't want to post this first*


I dream too much. Believe the things I read. They don't happen. Most guys are not even close to being a prince(more in another post if I remember). All they do is make you cry and break your heart. Isn't that right? There are only those few exceptions who find their soulmate, but even so they break their girl's heart at least once(shall I elaborate in a future post?). Players are the worst (more in another post?). They make a girl fall in love and then they toy with her and end up breaking her heart. I wish I could say i've never loved. I wish I could say I never gave away my heart, that it is still whole and not broken into TINY pieces. I wish I could say I'll be fine. I wish for a lot of things don't I? But the one thing I really want, the one thing I wish for at 11:11, I can't have.... And that hurts all the more. I am not one to be optimistic, but I do have a side that is fun and happy and has a good outlook on life. That me is burried in a hole for now. Until I stop wishing for that one person. That one person I gave my heart to. The one person I told everything to. The one person who took my love, my heart, my soul, and shattered it.

I want to travel the world

I want to travel the world. If you think about it, the world is a lot smaller compared to the whole universe. To us humans, the world is a HUGE place. It is to me. I want to travel the world and get to know the planet I live on. I've always dreamed of living in a different country instead of America. If I had to chose, I would have loved to be born in hong kong. I speak Cantonese and I think it's a beautiful language. I would love to be more fluent. That's why o want to travel. So I can us my skills and learn new things. I want to experience life to the fullest. I don't want to have regrets of place I wish I could have gone to. I would love to visit china. I wish I could see china during the feudal era. There are probably historical sites, but do they have the people dressed up? I would have LOVED to be born during china's feudal era. And be like a martial arts fighter person. You know? Like in the shows with the people fighting? The girls look amazing with their clothes. I also want to visit Vietnam and see the places that my parents and grandparents went to when they were young. I want to go to Spain and a bunch of latino countries. There must be a reason to use Spanish outside of school. I mean I didn't go all the way to ap Spanish just to forget it all. I want to go to Korea. With all the dramas I watch, that one is obvious. I can even say a few things in Korean. I basically want to go everywhere. Hopefully I'll have a travel buddy. I had one. He broke my heart so.... Not going to work. But I'll meet someone who wants to travel as much as me..... Although I need to make lots of money so that I can actually afford to go to these places and do things in them. Oh well, that's a problem for future me.

Heart to Heart

Why can't two people to care about each other just talk it out? Why can't they reason with each other? Reveal their feelings to one another? Is it because one doesn't care for the other anymore? (probably in my case) is it because they've tried many time but nothing changes? What is wrong with guys and confrontation? Why don't they like feelings. They're there and talking when a girl flirts, but once the tears flow they shut up and run away. Is there any guy who understands how hard it is to be a girl. We analyze anything and everything. Me especially. I analyze everything, maybe because of my brain. I can't accept things for how they are. I especially don't trust people. Maybe that's why things don't work out. Am I meant to be alone because my brain is wired differently? Do I scare away guys with my split personality? When a girl feels bad, it's the guy's job to be there and make sure that she feels better (if you are in a relationship of course). It's not a guy's job to ignore her and basically run away from her. It is especially sad if the girl loved the guy. Loved him so much. But it turns out that he couldn't handle her. Couldn't handle how special each girl is. Ran away from it all. But maybe sometimes it's the girl's fault for thinking too much. Her fault for thinking what they had was true while he thought it was lies. or even better! He was lying from the beginning (sarcasm there if you didn't get it). How can someone, after s long term relationship, just ignore the girl and the leaves without an explanation?? (believe me, because a guy is tired of being single is not a valid excuse. It freaking sucks) is that a guy's way of saying you never meant anything to me in the first place?? You know what? Guys just suck. There are those few exceptions, but how can a girl with a broken heart ever trust another guy again? How can she when she already has trust issues? How can she when she trusted ONE guy, just one guy with things she didn't tell her friends and he goes and breaks her heart? How can she ever trust again????????

I wrote a poem

I used to be a poetry freak... ish? I went through a phase where i wrote a BUNCH of poems. I have them on my flash drive. A lot of them are so stupid, but some are really meaningful (At least to me). They reflect my life. This poem sucks........ Like really sucks.... I'm sorry for this poem. But i'll post it anyway.

Every girl wants to feel special
Every girl wants to feel loved
But how can that happen?
guys who are stupid,
Guys who play games,
Guys who cheat and lie
How can a girl find her one true prince?
When most guys refuse to think.
Every girl wants to feel special.
Every girl wants to be loved.
How, i ask HOW can that happen?

*No offense to those guys who don't cheat, lie, play games, break hearts. I'm sure you are all very nice. But my experience with guys haven't been perfect. These are my views*

*I'm done with my old ending. It's just going to end abruptly*

Bus Rides

What I don't understand is why people hate them. I happen to think that they could be very productive and inspiring. Sometimes they are pretty quiet and nice. I listen to my music. I personally thinks that this allows me to reflect only music and it's lyrics while I sit there and stare out the window. It's so soothing. Lately, bus ride have been pretty sad. I reflect on my life on bustiers and lately I've been thinking of something that has totally effected my life in every way possible. Sometime it makes me want to cry, in public, on a bus. If you know me, you would know I don't express my emotions freely. I mostly keep them inside. Writing this makes me sort of teary (may be a little weird for the guy sitting in front of me) but back to the point. Sitting on the bus and typing out my problems is sort of like therapy for me. It makes me realize that there is ALOT more to something than I first thought. Especially the subject that sorta makes me want to start to cry. I wish I had more time to write these.... But I don't. Most of the time I'm in school is spent listening to the teacher. I can't exactly take out my IPod and start typing on it while I'm sitting in front of the teacher. During my off hours I I do homework so I have less for when i get home. (I'll take about homework in another post). I'm using evermore on my iPod to do this, so there might be a few mistakes. Back to the point here. I can't say that I absolutely love bus rides, but they ate quite enjoyable, especially when you have a single seat to yourself.

Don't hate me..... LOVE ME, or you know, not

My mornings?

I hate mornings. They are especially horrible when I have school. I have weird eating habits. Sometimes, I feel like puking because I can't like eat. You know that feeling when you eat something, but then you get down to the last few bites and you're sorta sick of the food but you force yourself to eat it and feel like throwing up? That's how I feel in the mornings. Like right now (when I wrote this. Not actual height now) I made myself a turkey sandwich for breakfast. I only took one bite but I already feel.... Like I'm a little sick of it. It's really weird. The thing is, i have to eat breakfast. If I don't, my somach will make super loud gurgling noises at school. I also eat something (maybe 1/2 a granola bar size) so that my tummy doesn't run on empty. It is quite a lot of food (I sound like a piggy!!). Maybe it's soo early in the morning for me to eat. It's only 6:16 am at the moment. But it's necessary so my tummy does not growl. My snacking is also VERY important. Like once, last school year, we were taking a standardized test. I ate breakfast. But I didn't get to eat my lunch until like twelve (I usually eatat ten). And throughout the test, in the silent room, my stomach was gurgling and howling super loudly. It sucked because I couldn't feed it anything but water.... Well, yea. Now you see why I hate mornings.

These will now be my blog posts. I write things when i have time, like from school and such. I like writing and venting everything out. I use evernote and it's super easy to just sit there and type to my heart's content. They may be from the same day, but i don't like posting a whole bunch at the same time. I like these short little blurbs to you people :)

Don't hate me.... LOVE ME! :D

Wish you were here- Avril Lavigne

I can be tough
I can be strong
But with you, It's not like that at all
Theres a girl who gives a shit
Behind this wall
You just walk through it

[refrain]
And I remember all those crazy thing you said
You left them running through my head
You're always there, you're everywhere
But right now I wish you were here
All those crazy things we did
Didn't think about it just went with it
You're always there, you're everywhere
But right now I wish you were here

[chorus]
Damn, Damn, Damn,
What I'd do to have you
Here, Here, Here
I wish you were here (X2)

I love the way you are
It's who I am don't have to try hard
We always say, Say like it is
And the truth is that I really miss
All those crazy thing you said
You left them running through my head
You're always there, you're everywhere
But right now I wish you were here
All those crazy things we did
Didn't think about it just went with it
You're always there, you're everywhere
But right now I wish you were here

[chorus]
Damn, Damn, Damn,
What I'd do to have you
Here, Here, Here
I wish you were here (X2)


This song has been on repeat. I discovered it two days ago and it's already risen through my itunes to be in the top 5 most played songs. I love this song. It reminds me of so much. So so much. In the last two days, this song has really changed its meaning to me.

Don't hate me.... LOVE ME