Hello. It is currently 9:37 AM. I am really angry and frustrated and just really shaken up by a dream I just had. I am so upset that I even considered going to the gym to help relieve some of it but nope. I'm just not the gym going type so here I am venting to you again, my blog.
Ok, here I go. My dream was really really fucking sad. Like all the stuff that happened last night just blew it up so much. It was based on what D had said. Like I was snap chatting him, seeing if he would be down to hook up again last night. He said that I was drunk and he was not so it wasn't a good idea but I wasn't drunk and i really really really wanted to hook up. But he said no and I was really fucking sad and also fucking paranoid that he was just saying no so he could sleep with some other girl because M said he was with 3 girls last night when he told us he was with his friend. Also, he had dinner with people that we didn't know.
I'm not saying he isn't allowed to have friends outside of my little friend group and I am not saying that he isn't allowed to go to parties by himself and have fun... but what I don't like is how he has to like play around and lie and not tell us what he's doing. Like it was stupid. He invited us to go to a house party and yet he wouldn't tell us a clear address or anything. I was so fucking confused and it only made it seem like he was hiding stuff. I just want him to be truthful to me and to his friends. I don't fucking understand.
Which brings me to my time at the party. The whole time I was hoping he would come back. I was watching the door and then I was just like fuck it, he isn't coming back so I danced with another guy and made out with him and I never got his name because the cops came and busted it up. Ugh, not a very smart decision but D wasn't there and I wanted to dance and then when they turn me around, I always end up leaning in and kissing them. Like fuck me right? I am so stupid. I should really stop doing that but whatever. It happened and I was frustrated D wasn't there and wouldn't give us a straight answer and I just really fucking like grinding.
So then that brings me to the after and how I was acting like a stupid desperate bitch and trying to get him to let me come over so we could hook up. and then he said no and like I went over this already. But seriously, what is the whole point of being sex buddies if I can't have sex whenever I want? There really is no point to it then. My sexual libido is pretty high, like seriously. I am almost never satisfied when having sex with D. But maybe I am saying that because I am really frustrated right now.
That brings me to my dream. In my dream, it was kind of based on this whole things that just happened last night. D was being a huge douche and like not being clear with anything. I don't remember exactly but it was extremely upsetting and like I felt like he hooked up with another girl last night in my dream and he wouldn't give me a straight answer even though I asked him. Then after all of that frustration, in my mind it like panned to a flashback of his room last night and there was another girl in his bed and he was snap chatting me no and that was just the most devastating thing ever.
Seriously. I am just really fucking angry right now. I really really need to have a talk with him and actually talk because it really isn't getting any better for me. I am just holding all of my frustrations inside and now they are being released into my blog. Seriously, what did I expect from him? Not a lot but I expect him to be truthful. I don't know how to act around him. I don't know if he's ever genuine with his words because he could just be saying things to keep me happy or whatever so I would continue sleeping with him but I am not. I am not very happy. Never have I ever thought I would be in this kind of fucking situation where I am vying after the attention of some douche who doesn't even want me.
I am being played, hard core and I know it but I really fucking like him and I don't know how to deal with this right now. I am not happy. I am not okay. I really fucking need to have a talk with him where I actually say things that I need to say, concerns that I am feeling, and overall what he's doing to me. I don't think I am going to have sex with him again, but I really need our friendship to be okay because he would make a pretty nice friend. I just have all these confusing signals coming from them. They're probably not real because he was drunk for a lot of it but fuck it. I just need to sit down and have an actual conversation, not one where I am trying to talk to him and he's trying to take off my clothes.
I don't want a repeat of what happened Tuesday night when I just got an overwhelming wave of sadness come over me for absolutely no reason and then me having to be awkward and take a walk to stop myself from crying profusely. I don't want to do that again because it sucked feeling that way. Ugh. I think this rant it done. I hate guys. I hate people. I just want to live in solitude for forever and ever so I could avoid being hurt.
Would it be better to be extremely lonely or face all of this pain? I don't even know. I don't even know.
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